Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Sweet Fancy Moses




via Bernie Miklasz's interview w/ Saint Louis Sports Magazine
HT: The prolific MDS of Fanhaus

OK, here's a Peter King story for you. From a long time ago. We were sitting around at an NFL meeting. We were talking about families. I was mentioning how I was trying to have a child with my wife. Peter asked if we were having problems conceiving. Honestly, we weren't, but that didn't stop him from trying to assist. He went onto to explain, in very serious and clinical detail, about how to position the woman in an ideal way to maximize the potential of the seed finding its designated target. It was incredibly impressive (and I'm not being a smart ass when I say that). He was like Vince Lombardi breaking down the power sweep. "You get a seal here, a seal here, and take it straight down the alley." Or something like that. But the scary thing is, the next time we made the attempt to conceive - well, hell, I won't go into detail, but let's just say that I was thinking of Peter King's advice.

Now, I doubt that an image of Peter King is what you want in your head at that particular moment, but believe it or not, his tips on conception apparently were effective. That's Peter: an absolute know it all. But that is also his charm. And now you are about to throw up, correct?





Aaaaaand....I'm sick

50 comments:

Burnsy said...

That's awful. And it's even worse if you're familiar with Bernie and get that image into your head. This post should not have been after lunch.

Otto Man said...

Goodbye boners!

Awful Announcing- said...

Certain things you can't unsee. Ugh.

Shan said...

bleach will be going in my eyes tonight

Unsilent Majority said...

bleaching your eyes will do nothing, it's in your brain.

Chopper Dave said...

I wonder if he gave Tom Brady the same advice.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

sexy!

devang said...

Hit that 65 Toss Power Trap one more time!

Big Daddy Drew said...

chopper dave is your winner

The Kid said...

i thought i had problems getting it up with a fifth of gin in me, i couldn't imagine what it would be like to have images of peter king in my head.

twoeightnine said...

LA LA LA LA LA PETER KING DOES NOT HAVE SEX LA LA LA LA LA LA OUT OF MY HEAD LA LA LA LA

Unsilent Majority said...

drew- we're all winners with this one.

Jackin'4Beats said...

OK, I've just died a little inside.

There's a lot of porn in my immediate future to replace those images of PK providing baby makin' advice.

Suss said...

That explains why his column used to be called Five Things I Conceive That I Conceive

Signal to Noise said...

PK should have been in the category of "people not allowed to breed."

There goes lunch.

Wormfather said...

Alright Flubby, er, UM you get your ass down here and get the vomit of my computer!

right now!

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! What the hell did we do to you, we entertained our selves for a week while you guys were doing fuck all, we dont report you to PETA for animal snuff porn, hell, we even came back after Planet Unicorn HEEEEEEEEYYYYYY. And this is how we're treated, I say to you, good day!

Oh, This is for the Rapture said...

UM, Nice scribble font used on the post-it... although the 'a' looks girly.

and not remotely surprised PK gave his two cents about conceiveing. No doubt he has a special coffee blend that he believes helps the process...

Chopper Dave said...

King's advice to Art Monk: Fuck her in the ear.

flubby said...

Majs??? We don't need no steenkin' majs!

Permanent4 said...

Is this the same Peter King who thought it was a *good* idea for the Steelers to sign Daunte Culpepper to back up Ben Roethlisberger?

And you'd take sexual advice from THAT guy. Horrible.

Jon said...

It's also the same guy who suggested having a milkshake with lunch and ice cream for desert in this week's MMQB.

Dairy products certainly seem to enhance one's fertility.

Grimey said...

PK's advice: "Have you tried vaginal intercourse?"

Awful Chief said...

very, very sad in pants

Awful Chief said...

PK's advice: "Have you tried vaginal intercourse?"

outstanding, grimey.

Wormfather said...

@Jon, since when is fagina dairy...(you finish the joke)

hollywood wags said...

This is so sweet and tender, and Bill Belechick could've done it as well, he just got off the phone with him.

That was Bernie's year, Peter predicted it.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Does it involve Mexican fire?

Bruce said...

Ah Christ... I shouldn't have been eating lunch when I read this. Not that I would normally do so, but King and Miklasz are the last people I want to have those images of. Pardon me while I go bleach my brain.

BigRicks said...

/this close to flagging this blog for ruining my afternoon

but not really

Sean said...

The new go-to guy in this field? Elijah Dukes. And he'll even come by your house. No bullshittin', dawg.

Bloof said...

PK: Have you tried vaginal intercourse?

BM: No.

PK: [Leaning forward] Would you like to?

J.L. White said...

Ewwww, I never thought Peter King actually had heterosexual sex to conceive his children. I just imagined he was milked by some unfortunate (Mexican) soul, while pictures of white QBs in their jock straps flashed by his eyes.


Frankly, either image makes me want to stab my brain with a pen.

The Kid said...

Peter King > Rex Grossman

Otto Man said...

Peter King > Rex Grossman

We're talking sheer tonnage, right?

Wormfather said...

@otto

We're talking sheer tonnage, right?

When I read that I really thought it said "sheer TONAGE"

You almost had me there.

Biggus Rickus said...

I see what you've done here. It looks like a mad jumble of disgusting words and images, but if you tilt your head just right and sort of not focus on anything you see Sarah Shahi performing cunnilingus on Salma Hayek. Impressive work UM.

What's that? My 3-D poster joke is about a decade late?

Unsilent Majority said...

it's a schooner

Otto Man said...

When I read that I really thought it said "sheer TONAGE"

I want to win you over, so help me out -- what's "tonage"?

Otto Man said...

it's a schooner

Nice work, Mr. Pitts.

Slash said...

K, I'm not a football fan, so pardon my ignorance, but I'm sensing a lot of dislike for this Peter King fellow. I Googled him (the regular way, no acrobatics involved) and here's his SI bio:

Peter King, a senior writer for Sports Illustrated, joined the magazine in 1989 after spending nearly a decade as an award-winning newspaper journalist. He is one of the country's premier pro football writers. With his lively "Monday Morning Quarterback" column, King is also a key contributor on the NFL beat for SI.com.

Born in Springfield, Mass., and raised in Enfield, Conn., King earned a Bachelor of Arts degree in journalism from Ohio University in 1979. From 1985 to 1989, he covered the NFL beat for Newsday and from 1980 to 1985, he covered college athletics and pro football for the Cincinnati Enquirer. Among the many awards King has are four Associated Press Sports Editors awards for excellence in sports journalism.

He has also written five books, the most recent of which are: Inside the Helmet: A Player's-Eye View of Pro Football, which discusses the inner lives and jobs of some of the NFL's biggest names, and Football: A History of the Professional Game, which profiles the teams, players and events of the NFL's first 75 years. He appears frequently as a commentator on radio and TV talk shows across the nation and served as a halftime analyst for ABC's Monday Night Football.

King lives in suburban New Jersey with his wife and two daughters.

It says he's one of the premier pro football writers, and if I've learned nothing so far, I've learned that if something appears on a website, you can believe it. It even says his column is "lively"!! So why all the hatin'?

Wormfather said...

Otto

Muscle Tone ----- tonage. Now you can see why it was confusing.

Oh and @Slash, you ever had a friend tell you that a girl was hot, nice, really cool and open to threesomes then you meet her and she's got zits, issues, cries alot and has warts. Well that's peter king, he's got jounalistic warts.

There is no cure, it must be destroyed.

Otto Man said...

Ah, gotcha. With so much tonnage, there's little tonage.

Jackin'4Beats said...

It says he's one of the premier pro football writers, and if I've learned nothing so far, I've learned that if something appears on a website, you can believe it. It even says his column is "lively"!! So why all the hatin'?

/sarcasm

There. Fixed.

Bloof said...

Slash, you have so much to learn.

Make sure you read his training camp reports when he makes his Fantastic Lardass NFL Preseason Tour. Only then you will begin to understand.

Smello said...

Holy Crap. I really, really thought UM made up that story.

The Horror. The Horror.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

I believe during the week that never happened it was established that BDD was Peter King all incognito (god knows that's a lot of breadwiches). But then, who pray tell is Slash?

My guess is Will Leitch.

Slash said...

K, duly noted. Peter King is a douchebag (? or is that too strong a term?). It would help to get some examples of said douchebaggery, besides the know-it-allness and the inappropriate questions about other people's efforts at reproduction.

No, not Will Leitch, whoever the hell that is. Just a DFW-area reader. And no, not a Cowboys fan.

Slash said...

Further Googling has revealed much hatred for Peter King on the Internets. I typed "Peter King sucks," and got many links to people who think he's a douchebag. A sampling:

Has there ever been a less informative, more self-promoting, or all around more ignorant sports writer than Peter King? This fat idiot hasn't written ANYTHING worth reading in as long as I have been reading SI, and perhaps the precipice of his stupidity is embodied EVERY SINGLE WEEK in his "Monday (and Tuesday) Morning Quarterback" piece...

I liked it when he spent the entire column trying to justify his vote for Tom Brady for MVP and Logan Mankins for Rookie of the Year.

Peter King's fat bloated ass gets on S.I. and lists 10 things to revive a boring league (Sports Illustrated December 6, 1993 Can The NFL Be Saved?: 10 Ways To Revive A Boring League - RX for the NFL by Peter King). I dont' have any of my SI's from 13 yrs ago but they were all lame. Dumb shit like limiting the # of substitutions for defense (so you can't have nickel coverages) and other crap like that. The entire tone was sanctimonious and, "if I don't write this... the NFL's doomed!"

There's also a Weekly Peter King Sucks Thread on a Bengals fan site message board.

So he appears to be the Joe Klein or David Brooks of sportswriters, in which case, I will join in the Peter King hate wherever I encounter it. I'll just add him to the already lengthy list of things I fucking hate.

Ed in Westchester said...

I shall never get hard again.

Good Christ, I wonder how PK will respond to htis little tidbit hitting the internets.

doug said...

Peter King sucks.. he went from OK to terrible! Hey peter, take the coffe enema out of your fat ass, and stop forcing this bullshit witchhunt of bellicheck. Cry me a river, fucking fat fuck