Let’s see. Pacman Jones. Chris Henry. Tank Johnson. Odell Thurman. Michael Vick…
Oh, man. Fuck me.
We’re not gonna have any players left.
I really should have thought this through. If I’m consistent in suspending all these retards equally, we’re gonna be fresh out of players by October. I’m gonna have to suspend all of them. Fuck!
Jesus, one bachelor party could wipe out an entire team. It’s okay. It’s okay, Rog. The whole point of this thing was to send a message out to all the players. It’s a deterrent. Yeah, that’s it. If I suspend them for being idiots, then they’ll top being idiots, right?
Secretary: Mr. Commissioner, it’s Ben Roethlisberger on Line 1. He said he set fire to a middle school by accident and that he’s really sorry.
Secretary: Mr. Commissioner, it’s Terrence Kiel on Line 2. He said he beat his wife to death with a tire iron and wanted to know what to do with the body.
Tell him to hold!
Secretary: I also got a message from Ray Lewis. All he said was, “It happened again. But Jesus still loves me.”
Oh God, this is not happening.
Okay, okay. It’s time to plan. Just make a plan, Rog. I’m sure we can get some highly qualified replacements for those guys. If you put XFL players in an NFL uniform, that makes them legitimate! It could work! It has to work.
Secretary: Sir, Shawne Merriman is on Line 3. He said he’s been injecting cougar semen directly into his urethra and wanted to know if that was bad.
Tell him it’s bad. Everything is bad.
I really, really should have given this more careful consideration. Maybe I’ll quit and become commissioner of the Junior League. Those bitches seem well behaved.