Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Oh F--k, We’re Not Gonna Have Any Players Left


Let’s see. Pacman Jones. Chris Henry. Tank Johnson. Odell Thurman. Michael Vick…

Oh, man. Fuck me.

We’re not gonna have any players left.

I really should have thought this through. If I’m consistent in suspending all these retards equally, we’re gonna be fresh out of players by October. I’m gonna have to suspend all of them. Fuck!

Jesus, one bachelor party could wipe out an entire team. It’s okay. It’s okay, Rog. The whole point of this thing was to send a message out to all the players. It’s a deterrent. Yeah, that’s it. If I suspend them for being idiots, then they’ll top being idiots, right?

Right?

Secretary: Mr. Commissioner, it’s Ben Roethlisberger on Line 1. He said he set fire to a middle school by accident and that he’s really sorry.

Oh, fuck.

Secretary: Mr. Commissioner, it’s Terrence Kiel on Line 2. He said he beat his wife to death with a tire iron and wanted to know what to do with the body.

Tell him to hold!

Secretary: I also got a message from Ray Lewis. All he said was, “It happened again. But Jesus still loves me.”

Oh God, this is not happening.

Okay, okay. It’s time to plan. Just make a plan, Rog. I’m sure we can get some highly qualified replacements for those guys. If you put XFL players in an NFL uniform, that makes them legitimate! It could work! It has to work.

Secretary: Sir, Shawne Merriman is on Line 3. He said he’s been injecting cougar semen directly into his urethra and wanted to know if that was bad.

Tell him it’s bad. Everything is bad.

I really, really should have given this more careful consideration. Maybe I’ll quit and become commissioner of the Junior League. Those bitches seem well behaved.

40 comments:

Matt said...

Commisioner, Tom Brady on line 3, he said he impregnated your wife.

Ask him if she was over 18?

Commisioner, it's your wife.

Ohh ya, tell him I said thank you.

the butler said...

Ladies and gents...the real Roger Goodell.

SlickBomb said...

"I guess Tank Johnson will be the face of this league after all."

C-lo said...

Soon the NFL is going to be like The Replacements..."Starting at QB for the Atlanta Falcons, Keanu Reeves!"

David said...

Is ingesting cougar semen really against the rules? If so, does performing oral on Paris after she's left a party mean a 4-game suspension?

liquid_d said...

Just out of curiosity, where does one get cougar semen? Is there a season for it or can you get it year round?

Redhead said...

Hey Rog, I know a guy who might have a solution for you. According to Gary Sheffield, there's a whole race of people out there who are easy to control.

larry burns said...

@liquid d

it comes in vitamins and somehow it got injected into shawne merriman, hes looking into what supplements he took that tianted there product. hes also wondering whether he was in a coma during the injection.

becky said...

It's a good thing Gene Upshaw has his priorities straight...there's definitely nothing he should have to say about this at all...nope, nothing at all...

larry burns said...

becky watch your neck, gene upshaw willl kill a snitch.

Jason said...

+1 redhead.

Viva el Footbal Americano!

liquid_d said...

@ larry burns
Thanks for the heads up. I guess it's off to GNC during lunch, but i'm guessing that shawne merriman gets his the old fashined way; milking the cougar.

Awful Chief said...

OH HAI ROG, ISS BRAYDEEKWN. IZ OWSIDE BAF HOWS IN TEH CASTRO IM REEL DIRTY! U SAY CAN HAS SHOWER WIF FRENZ?

Burnsy said...

By the time Rog is done, Scoop Jackson and Jemele Hill will have told us all how evil white people are 6.3 trillion times.

Michael said...

Commissioner, Bill Belichick is on the phone for you. Oh wait, this call is for me, nevermind...

BeaverFever said...

at this rate the UFL might actually have a legit chance to compete with the NFL.

Wormfather said...

Fuck! Rog just suspended Mangini for his cameo in the Soprano's. Something or other about promoting violonce.

Sonny's DWI said...

Rog clearly ain't seen your basic junior league jello mold contest.

Not pretty.

BeaverFever said...

any thoughts on the first rookie that will get in trouble with the law ? i'm just hoping it is none of buffalo's rookies.

miamidiesel said...

What'll be really interesting is when Rog has to suspend Jon Kitna and the entire Seattle Seahawks team for sexually abusing alter boys... I'm wondering if Rog will decide to break from precedent and "reassign" them to other cities instead...

Matt said...

Beaverfever

My vote has to go to Brandon Meriwether...i feel that one was a no-brainer

Otto Man said...

Secretary: Sir, there's a FedEx package here for you from a "Big Daddy Drew." It appears to be Tupperware.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Shawne Merriman is on Line 3. He said he’s been injecting cougar semen directly into his urethra and wanted to know if that was bad

Where do you come up with this stuff? Trying not to laugh too hard while at work.

BeaverFever said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jackin'4Beats said...

Commissioner, there are some queer unicorns on line 3. They're inquiring about the open mascot position for the Denver Broncos.

Wormfather said...

@Otto Is it a towel? Is it? C'mon, the suspense is killing me.

BeaverFever said...

@matt, i guess smart money would be on any rookie from the u to get in trouble with the law.

devang said...

Sir, Eli Manning on line 1. He said he just became a man.

He came on a man??? Ah, shit.

No, no, no, BECAME a Man.

About fucking time.

Otto Man said...

@Otto Is it a towel? Is it? C'mon, the suspense is killing me.

Sorry, I forgot not everyone was here last year when we learned about the dark side of Tupperware.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

@C-lo

His name is Shane Falco, or Johnny Utah if you're and Ohio State fan, but he can't get the sounds of those footsteps out of is head.


[Chanting] His name is Footsteps Falco

Awful Chief said...

@miamidiesel:
Kitna, the greatest Lions qb since Charlie Batch, is entering his second season in Detroit. And now has a shiny new Big Johnson to play with.

Signal to Noise said...

beaver: I would still worry. Marshawn Lynch is even odds to screw up, although, like someone mentioned before, when in doubt, bet on an U alum to screw up first.

Wormfather said...

@Otto Fuck you!

yes I did remember, I was here, and now you and you retrospection have thrown out six god damned months of theropy and about 1400 doses of Represital.

Thanks alot.

Wormfather said...

oh and

/sarcasim

BeaverFever said...

@signal to noise, i didn't want to jinx the bills by mentioning marshawn lynch, but yes he might be a prime candidate to get in trouble with the law in his rookie season. and it was me that a miami grad is always in the running to get caught up in trouble.

Otto Man said...

Hey, if I still have that memory, then everyone needs to have that memory.

Black n Gold said...

@Burnsy

I hate Jemele Hill, but you already knew that. How did Ben Roethlisberger get pulled into this? Couldn't we have said, "Odell Thurman is on 4. He just finished assaulting the last person on his list. Apparently, he 'had beef' with every single person in America. Had beef? I don't get it, sir. Is he a vegetarian or something?"

Oh, This is for the Rapture said...

Odell Thurman is taking serious aim at Lawrence Phillips speed record for league bannishment/diverse crimes.

He's going to be the new standard when its all said and done.

TheNaturalMevs said...

I also got a message from Ray Lewis. All he said was, “It happened again. But Jesus still loves me.”

ROFLMFAO at work.

Punch Rockgroin said...

Al Davis on Line 5... something about his precious?