Tuesday, June 5, 2007

I'm Sorry, Paris Hilton

I am sorry that you went to jail, mainly because now someone else will have a chance to rape you, although that may be a misnomer since you really don't know the meaning of the word "no." I bet the food in jail is bad, Paris Hilton, but I hear their gym is pretty sweet.

I was thinking the other day about all the fun times we used to have; I was taking a shit and then realized that I didn't have any toilet paper. So I just sat on the bowl for, I think it was like an hour, and then my ass started to get numb, so I just lathered up my hand with two squirts of Dial and then scrubbed out my crack. But I had no way to rinse out my wares, so I just wiped out the suds with one of my towels. When I finally hopped off and flushed, I saw there was a brand new roll resting on the top of the toilet behind me. I'm never eating ziti after 8 o'clock again.

But anyway, Paris Hilton, I remember when we used to hit the town. You had these stupid little pointy shoes and you asked me what I thought of them. I told you I would rather drive the tips of those shoes through my eye sockets than be forced to bear witness to them for even another second. Then you got really pouty and quiet. And then when I asked what was wrong, you said, "Nothing." But I think if nothing was really wrong, you would have let me use the anal beads that night.

Remember, Paris Hilton, when we went out with the team to the Chicago Playboy Mansion and Tank wanted to lay money on how many handguns he could cram up your pussy? I really thought he was going to be more systematic with his insertion methods there. Plus I thought that he would have made sure that none of those guns were loaded, or at least had the safeties on. And I have no idea why I took the under, either. That whole thing was really my bad.

I bet jail is a lot like having a sleepover, Paris Hilton, except none of your friends show up and the guards search your asshole for contraband. I will try really hard to make the trip east to California and visit, so we can talk on those special phones, and you can mash your little titties up against the glass, like in that one movie, while I make moaning sounds and jerk off after I throw on a turbin and walk some laps around a pillar.

So, um, I guess I'll see you later. Tell Martha Stewart I said hey.

39 comments:

still drunk said...

<3

Proinsias Cassidy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Proinsias Cassidy said...

My girlfriend saw Matt Leinart for the first time yesterday...

'He's a good looking guy,' she coos.

'He lost his dick in Paris Hilton,' I reply.

'Hmmm, nevermind.'

Maybe she just likes guys who don't look me and have more money than they can spend. At least I have equipment...

I really enjoy the 'I didn't have the chance to rape you' statement. That makes rape (along with arson, murder, and rape) funny.

/My vf is: nyokrxjh- is that Serbian for something?

roger goodell's taint said...

He likes rape.

The Pirate Sloth said...

jeez punter, thats just wrong...

Signal to Noise said...

Everyone knows Paris probably smuggled coke in through her snatch, not guns!

smeos said...

I hope she gets disfigured in a shanking gone horribly wrong and then fades into the lonely obscurity that she truly deserves.

Unsilent Majority said...

I heard she had Tony Soprano's AR-15 jammed up there for a good week.

Shan said...

I would not be affected one bit if she was in jail for life, I hate that cunt.

Redhead said...

So much hostility here! Now if only it weren't so funny...

Shoopmonster said...

@smeos When it comes to her, there can be no shanking that goes horribly wrong.

Call it a hunch, but the "jeez punter that's just wrong tag" is going to get a lot of mileage out of it.

Wormfather said...

NY Daily News Headline this morning:

Paris in Jail, World Safer Place.

At first I pondered the rediculousness of the statement, but after a few seconds I realized that the VD clinics do in deed need a break.

Kurt said...

@ UM

I thought Tony went to sleep with a .308 last Sunday.

lieutenant winslow said...

this can only increase sales of the 'stupid spoiled whore: videotape kit'

lieutenant winslow said...

oh and just to clarify,

the AR-15 was a birthday gift to Tony from late, great Monopoly champion Bobby B

Burnsy said...

Sarah Silverman gave Paris a taste of prison at the MTV Movie Awards when she made Hilton her bitch.

BeaverFever said...

does anyone know someone that feels sorry for paris hilton ? i sure as hell don't. sad thing is after her release i'm sure she'll be back to her spoiled whorish ways.

Jason said...

There was a former assistant at my office who loved Paris Hilton, and thought she was the coolest thing ever.

Even though the assistant was stripper-hot, after I heard this she was dead to me.

Who knew my junk had standards?

Awful Chief said...

Nothing but eating, drinking, pooping, peeing, masturbating, and sometimes showering, in the comfort of her own cell in the 'special needs' section of the jail...

That's a bag of weed and a Playstation away from paradise.

David said...

Not to avoid the whole hating Paris thing, but I'd like to say that paragraph 2 is absolute gold. I have the flu, and I just laughed so hard it seriously hurt.

BeaverFever said...

paris hilton is a great example for girls everywhere.........on how not to live your life and treat people.

Otto Man said...

Everyone knows Paris probably smuggled coke in through her snatch, not guns!

I'm pretty sure she smuggled in Nicole Richie. It's the only explanation for her recent time on the Olsen Twins diet.

mmmm beefy said...

FIRE MILLEN

BeaverFever said...

why do i have a bad feeling that it is only a matter of time or maybe it is already happening that someone is making a bunch of money off of "free paris hilton" t-shirts.

Smello said...

One of my favorite episodes, lieutenant winslow.

I was wondering if there would be a Frog King in prison to guide Paris past the large intestines.

brad said...

@beaverfever:

I totally agree with all your posts so far. Paris Hilton doesn't get it, and she probably never will.

I anticipate some very interesting comments.

Otto Man said...

why do i have a bad feeling that it is only a matter of time or maybe it is already happening that someone is making a bunch of money off of "free paris hilton" t-shirts.

Actually, given the number of signatures on each of the pro- and anti-Paris petitions, the smart money is on a "Jail Paris Hilton" t-shirt.

dick_gozinia said...

My favorite Brian Urlacher story of all time is the time he tried to pick a fight with fighter Bas Rutten. Watch this clip from "BestDamn Sports Show" where he tells the story. Its fucking hysterical.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5QFOZc8AaM

Brother Joshua said...

beaverfever, i think twoeightynine already has some paris-in-jail-themed t-shirts up at his store.

Otto Man said...

That Bas Rutten story is terrific.

I'd normally be suspicious of the source, but if Urlacher was dumb enough to stick in it the human petri dish that we know as Paris Hilton, he's dumb enough to do anything.

Peter McSheisty said...

I'm pretty sure she smuggled in Nicole Richie. It's the only explanation for her recent time on the Olsen Twins diet.

Off subject, but did anyone else here that Mary Kate Olsen is going to play Silas' girlfriend on the new season of Weeds? Im convinced those chicks could be so hot if they put on about 20 lbs each and had sex with eachother.

BeaverFever said...

"i think twoeightynine already has some paris-in-jail-themed t-shirts up at his store."

capitalism is a beautiful thing

miamidiesel said...

So it turns out that the jail where Paris is staying has a rampant staph infection problem. Some might be concerned for the health of the inmates. Me? I'm more concerned about what happens when that staph bacteria in the prison commingles with the billions of bacteria in Paris' vagine. Is there a word for bacteria that are harder to kill than superbacteria? Because I have a feeling we might be facing some very soon...

Otto Man said...

Is there a word for bacteria that are harder to kill than superbacteria?

Bill O'Reilly.

Brother Joshua said...

@miamidiesel: i think the combination of staph with the diseases paris has would create a sort of vaginal super-acid which would allow her to melt the bars of her cell and thus walk freely to menace the streets, turned into a monster by circumstance and fate.

BeaverFever said...

off topic, but will mike vick hold a news conference on this site addressing this story about his house being burgaled ?

http://www.nypost.com/seven/06052007/sports/vick_dogfight_house_burgled_sports_.htm

Burnsy said...

There are Free Paris and Jail Paris t-shirts all over eBay.

devang said...

Hey Kim Kardashian, watch and learn!!

denvergodfather said...

Tank shoving guns in her cunt is pure literary gold.