Monday, June 18, 2007

We Want You
We Want You
We Want You As A New Recruit

If you think June is too early to be talking about fantasy football, then fuck you. It's never too early to get into the stats and trends. Although, May probably is too early. But, it's never too early to get your league together, just to make sure you get your group set and do all the admin bullsh so it doesn't interfere with your draft prep.

Some of you may already be wondering: is KSK starting a fantasy league this year?

Yes, we are.

A keeper league, no less. And we want one of you to join us. But if you want in, you've gotta try out. We're looking for a commenter that knows the roto** game, and will hold his or her own in a 14-team keeper league.

This is the group of 13 that we have so far. I think you'll agree that the list is long and distinguished, like my johnson:

Yours Truly

Big Daddy Drew

Christmas Ape

Unsilent "The Maj" Majority

Flubby

Will Leitch

Rob "Combudsman" Iracane

Dan Shanoff

Awful Announcing

Jamie Mottram

Dan "Steinz" Steinberg

J.E. Skeets

D.J. Gallo

We're still hashing out the rules** for the league, so don't ask. As for how you apply, the only rule is that there are no rules. You can submit an original pic, your shitty photoshop work, or even something you wrote. We don't care what you send in, provided that it's original and illustrates your badassery in some respectable manner.

Submit your artistry to kissingsuzykolber@gmail.com, and send as many entries as you want. The better entries will be posted here on our site. The best entry will get a team in our league. The shitty entries will earn you nothing but scorn.

So if you think you can hang with this cadre, get your entries into us by June 30.

**We ARE doing head-to-head scoring.

94 comments:

Big Daddy Drew said...

You people have no hope if Mandy decides to send topless photos of herself.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Also, league dues are $25. So no poor people, please.

Burnsy said...

This idea is intriguing.

thope said...

So subscribe to their newsletter


/obligatory

SportsGirl365 said...

A whole league of pussies and not one actual, well, pussy.

You guys need a female badass in there.

Grimey said...

That's a list of 12. I'm going to assume Caveman's in.

mandy said...

If you're referring to me BDD, I'm totally on it. Winning > dignity.

Unsilent Majority said...

tic toc

Chris said...

Interesting concept.

Side Note - I got dinner at Per Se sat night from my wife. I throughly enjoyed. All though she still thinks one if by land, two if by see is better.

Big Daddy Drew said...

As a married man with a kid, I probably should not have even jokingly solicited topless photos from readers. That would be creepy and what not.

But feel free to send them to UM, who will then forward them to me. It's much more innocent that way.

John S. said...

Let me get this straight... I have to "try out" to get into your fantasy league?

Uhhh... gonna pass on that one.

Rusty said...

Your exclusion of Rob Iracane is noted. He kicked our asses last year.

I will take my removal from the Deadspin/KSK FF pool with dignity and grace.

Motherfuckers.

BeaverFever said...

2 fanatsy football leagues is all this guy can handle. escpecially with one kid and another one due sept. 7th. let's hope she gets here after my drafts are over. hope all the dad's had a good father's day. BDD how close did you come to meeting your badass father's day intinerary ?

twoeightnine said...

I submit:
http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2007/04/did-someone-say-bukkake.html
http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2006/08/sifting-through-clarett-wreckage.html
http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2007/01/three-things-i-couldnt-stop-thinking.html
http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2006/11/where-in-world-is-suzy-kolber.html

and of course:
http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2007/04/bukkake-kickoff-ceci-nest-pas-une-pipe.html

I'll just take CC's place as the WL rep since Fantasy Football is gay.

Becky said...

This is an elaborate ruse for the KSK thong modeling championship round, I can feel it.

Though I have also been drafted into an all boy league before for my skills. Also, my team naming skills and how good I look in a thong. Just sayin'.

grungedave said...

Does the person/team with the #1 overall pick have to draft the Sex Cannon?

(I'm not even going to attempt to petition for entry into this league, as I do not have tits)

Unsilent Majority said...

Come on people. We want to see originality and/or sexy desperation

Big Daddy Drew said...

Yeah, quit sending us your oldass blog entries. Only we get to be that lazy.

The Kid said...

the only thing i could add to this league would be my intoxicated posts. they are usually awesome, but since i don't know any of you personally, there is no way for me to make fun of you for, say doing a fat chick or something.

Rob I said...

Rusty, to be fair, I ruled the regular season but Mr. Poon beat me in the playoffs.

Stupid McNabb.

Ghost of Carl Monday said...

i offer two things as my resume entry for this league:

1) tits (they're mantits, but tits nonetheless)

2) I will literally be win fodder for any team I play. I'll be the Mississippi St. to everyone else's [insert any other SEC team here]

roger goodell's taint said...

I don't remember reading it was roto, jez. Maybe you should take your Rosetta Stone software back for a refund, and then get back in the van that drove you in here from fucking Mexico and LEARN TO FUCKING READ OR STFU.

Wormfather said...

Smell that? It's vagina, vagina is the official scent of compitetion.

Well, seeing as how the most notable thing I've done in my life is not fucking any crack whores, I'm gonna have to do this political style and discredit my enimies.

Otto man is a pedeophile

Mandy is a man

Becky had a chance to sleep with the sex cannon but instead cried in a corner.

To be continued...

Weed Against Speed said...

What the fuck is fantasy football?

Otto Man said...

I don't remember reading it was roto, jez. ... LEARN TO FUCKING READ OR STFU.

"We're looking for a commenter that knows the roto game, and will hold his or her own in a 14-team keeper league."

Otto man is a pedeophile

Look, for the last time: I thought the kid was a prostitute.

In any case, I'm in almost the exact same situation as Beaverfever -- I'm already in two leagues, with a kid due midseason.

Still, very tempting.

rar288 said...

Fuck I really want to join this league. The pressure to send something original and funny in is taking it's toll on me. I'm getting as nervous as Angel Cabrera.

Aww screw you guys... I'm taking a smoke.

Monday Morning Punter said...

vagina is the official scent of compitetion.


Once again, I have no idea what Wormfather is talking about...

The league is head-to-head. There's no Roto. By "Roto game," I meant the fantasy sports genre, not that cumulative bologna.

And I'm Punting jez, only because I've never liked him.

Unsilent Majority said...

"I'm already in two leagues, with a kid due midseason."

Is it coming out of you?

Wormfather said...

I thought the kid was a prostitute

Touche my friend.

See it's working, I've forced to Otto to withdraw from the race for "family reasons".

And people wonder how republicans control the world.

Monday Morning Punter said...

From Wiki.

BeaverFever said...

ottoman, at least your kid is due well after any fantasy football drafts, and i'm willing to bet that your wife is delivering that maybe not yourself like UM asked.

Raskolnikov said...

Now I have a reason to record a Pacman Jones parody that doesn't suck.

Biggus Rickus said...

I would attempt this but for two things. 1) I'm not funny. 2) I suck at/have bad luck at drafting fantasy football teams. Inevitably, I will draft Priest Holmes as he's verging on the shitheap and Frank Gore the season before his breakout. My fliers all crash and my gamebreakers break legs.

BeaverFever said...

is this a salary cap league ? those are always a pain in the ass.

Otto Man said...

Is it coming out of you?

If it is, it smells horrible.

The ticking timebomb of the new baby isn't the big problem. It's the memory of the last time I tried to do three leagues at once. Every Sunday involved me hoping the entire league would succeed and fail at the same time. It was the FFL equivalent of dumping chips across every square of a roulette table. Wheee!

But contrary to Wormfather, I haven't conceded. In fact, I'm pretty sure that pedophilia would only make my stock go up with this group of chronic degenerates as judges.

I think 289 is the strongest competition, but Flubby will likely blackball him due to MS Paint Envy.

Unsilent Majority said...

"In fact, I'm pretty sure that pedophilia would only make my stock go up with this group of chronic degenerates as judges."

how old/hot are we talkin' here?

coach said...

I would love to try-out, except that the main body of work I could submit is from Harry Potter message boards and blogs.

Ah well, I guess I'll just stick to teaching the game in real life.

Otto Man said...

how old/hot are we talkin' here?

Macauley Culkin.

Not in his prime, though. This happened just last week.

coach said...

Oh, if it helps, I'm not poor, and I'm not expecting any children in the fall, and I'm not in any other leagues.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

I once wrote a KSK style dialogue wherein Chiefs' GM Carl Peterson demanded a lifesize replica of Daunte Culpepper made entirely of cocaine in exchange for some chicklets.

...and it's been suggested that Stephen Hawking stole his 'Brief History of Time' from my fourth grade paper.

I vote Mandy though.

Rickey Henderson said...

Rickey has no time for fantasy football cocksuckery.

BigRicks said...

If sending old blog posts is lazy, what if we send in blog posts from the future...

tits.

Wormfather said...

Macauley Culkin

That's not pedophelia, that's just wrong.

All though you have a point, when the Olsen twins hit 18 they lost half of their fuckability, which makes them still 10 times more fuckable than my (dont say fiance, dont say fiance, dont say fiance) fiance.

FUCK!

Burnsy said...

Bigricks just blew my mind.

mamacita said...

It's not a roto league, it's a George Foreman Grill league.
Ufford was disqualified, and Leitch is on probation, because it is strictly a B.Y.O.Beer Gut competition.

Incidentally, I don't know sheep shit from Shinola about football (and of course KSK has been no help on that front). I'm only here for the dick. I mean, dick jokes.

mamacita said...

N.B. to wormfather: If you are engaged to a woman (big if), you would call her a fiancee.

BeaverFever said...

fantasy football is a good time if kept in perspective. if you are in a league that awards a trophy or even worse a championship ring get out now. playing for cash is what grown men play for, not trophies.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

You know how I know you're gay?

You're in a fantasy football league with D.J. Gallo.


Seriously, did caveman get harold reynolds'd, or worse, falco'd?

Wormfather said...

@mamacita

Well if your going to be a Nazi about the situation...

Fiancée

There. And as an aside, I know I'm a douchebag, but some chicks dig that, ya know, Mamacita.

Hustler of Culture said...

okay so I'm a perfect fit.

I'm sarcastic and funny:
http://stupidangelos.blogspot.com/2007/01/first-ever-stupid-angelos-giant-douche.html

http://stupidangelos.blogspot.com/2007/02/todays-reason-why-espn-sucks.html

and I'm incredibly handsome:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/3/34/The_Simpsons-Disco_Stu.png/222px-The_Simpsons-Disco_Stu.png

And I have $25....

DustyMcK said...

shit, You already got a bengal fan, but i got 25 bucks and a keen ability to cut and paste

www.odellwhereartthou.blogspot.com

mamacita said...

@wormfather

I implied that you were gay, not that you were a douchebag. I'm sure you're the good kind of douchebag, just like I'm the good kind of cunt.

MoonshineMike said...

you can pick me as I won't play and you will have an easy whipping boy on a weekly basis. "Sure!I'll trade reggie bush for pac-man jones and three joints and a bottle of gin!"

Trevor said...

And the award for Trying Way Too Hard To Be Clever goes to...

wormfather! Congratulations, tard!

BeaverFever said...

mamcita gets my vote for referring to herself as a cunt. that has to be worth a couple of points.

wormfather, your response to trevor ?

devang said...

I can't, my life won't let me. Plus I don't know shit about FF. I am, however look forward to alcohol soaked and drug addled posts by the KSK crew at 4:20 AM on a Monday morning during football season.

Love it when women don't have a hangup about using the word cunt.

WV-uhdiep. Paris, how do you want to get fucked?

Burnsy said...

Such a feisty crowd today. We should all be like a bunch of medicated Elijah Dukes.

devang said...

*looking - dammit.

Wormfather said...

Sorry, I had to get some work dont, now that that's done.

@Mamacita

I'm to stylish to be gay.

If you're a good cunt and I'm a good douchebag, we should be perfect together.

@Trevor

I'm used to slightly veiled insults, congrats to you. However I do see some irony in your insulting me for allegedly trying to be cleaver with your blatant attempt (failed as it might be) at being clever.

Back to AA with ya kid, hit the batting cages and then we can talk.

Dont hate me, I cant help the fact that you were born the way you are. Then again, I guess I could have used a condom.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

I'm only funny when I'm sober so I'll have to wait and send you something after work.

devang said...

Threadjack

Another Motorcycle moron:

http://thebiglead.com/?p=2572

/end threadjacl

devang said...

*threadjack. Got some fat fingers today.

Awful Chief said...

fantasy football is a good time if kept in perspective. if you are in a league that awards a trophy or even worse a championship ring get out now. playing for cash is what grown men play for, not trophies.

I like the idea of a gold figurine sitting at a computer with terrible posture perched atop a trophy.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

On second thought I won't bother to bore the KSK Gay Mafia with a submission.

Between Mandy's chest, Becky's lips (hi!) and far, far funnier commentators I'll just step aside and watch (read) the inevitable cock swinging and Clint-like downward spiral of competition.

My Insignificant Life said...

For those of you wanting to draft the Sex Cannon, he may be available...if Tommie Harris had his way.....

Chicago Bears Updated:06/18/2007
According to the Chicago Tribune, Bears defensive lineman Tommie Harris had floated the idea of Donovan McNabb joining Chicago and ending their long Super Bowl championship hibernation. Harris was a guest of McNabb's at the quarterback's charity golf tournament and stated that the Bears would definitely win the Super Bowl with McNabb.

devang said...

Another Bengal arrested.

BeaverFever said...

"I like the idea of a gold figurine sitting at a computer with terrible posture perched atop a trophy."

awful chief, you just made me rethink my position on fantasy football trophies.

also, someone get wormfather his meds.

Otto Man said...

Every afternoon, these threads die a sudden death at about a quarter past four.

You people don't take 4:20 lightly, do you?

Burnsy said...

I'm falling asleep at work.

Wormfather said...

@Burnsy *poke*. It's time to go home man.

Laters

Hustler of Culture said...

Also, I too had a kid due mid-season.

It will not in any way interfere with ff. In fact, it may be motivation to spend MORE time doing it....

Chris said...

Normally I would not do this, but I figured I would let everyone know what they are in for. Behold

Becky has nothing on this.

Landru said...

Oops. I should've read the comments before sending in my oldass blog entries. Besides, 289 or someone with bigger tits should get in, anyway.

Awful Announcing- said...

Thank god I don't have to send in an entry....I don't think I'd hold a candle to some of these.

P.S.- I'll let the second place finisher name my team.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Hmm, maybe I should submit something...

Ah well. I'm lazy. I'll just send in some old blog posts.

Will said...

You can submit an orignial (sic) pic

If I text message you pictures of my junk, does that count?

Cedrick said...

My word verification is "finjhngr". I assume that means I automatically receive entry into the league.

Monday Morning Punter said...

You can submit an orignial (sic) pic

Most of us know I consider proofreading beneath me, but I did fix it since it was bothering you so much.

Otto Man said...

If I text message you pictures of my junk, does that count?

I'm not sure how exactly you can text message a picture of your junk, Li'l Sean.

Or do you text message people's reactions to your junk?

LOL! ROTFLMAO! :(

the butler said...

Can I pick Pacman Jones? For keeper purposes, really.

Robert said...

I refuse to play the "I'll be the doormat of the league" card. What kind of bullshit is that? If you want to be in this league, be in it to win it. If you want to talk about losing on purpose, go find Simmons and say the word "Celtics" to him.

If selected, I would take the leap from "perennial top-5 finisher" to "league champion" in a heartbeat. Why? I'm better looking than Leitch, use. more. periods. than. Shanoff, and I'm waiting until it's on the clearance table at Borders to buy Gallo's book.

Plus, I'll buy booze for the live draft.

Bloof said...

Baaahhh, you can all lick my balls.

the butler said...

bloof > God

Becky said...

You take it back. Becky made a panty tree at Christmas. I am a giver, dammit.

(And I also tried once to drunkenly send a shot of her ass to one of the esteemed founders of this site, but I probably shouldn't mention that.)

Becky said...

^ I also apparently forgot how to speak English when typing in parenthesis...

Swolestice said...

A man has no chance in a contest of this nature.

nation_of_islam_sportsblog said...

Sirs,

By now, you have received our assessment of this "situation".

We would like to arrange a meeting to discuss you providing assurance that your selection process will include more than "tolken" minority consideration.

We use the Atlanta Braves meeting with the Rainbow/PUSH as a model. The Braves sat down with reps and realized they had work to do rectify some glaring deficiencies in their organization. As a result, Hank Aaron is being brought aboard in a day to day capacity.

While we certainly appreciate any comparison to Hammerin' Hank (we are the all-time home run leaders in righteous blogging), we regretfully turn down any offer of day to day HR operation and monitoring of your blog. We hope you understand that our pursuit of righteousness is time consuming. The notion, tho, is flattering.

Now, and we don't mean this as a "threat"...back to your FF League...You have received our letter. We anticipate a positive response. But be assured. Buses are on call and carboard, paint and broomhandles are at the ready.

Swolestice said...

I have one very good reason that I should be selected, and I think you gents will be able to relate.


I lack couth.

Andrew said...

You stay out of this, Nation of Islam Sportsblog.

If you have taught me one thing, sirs, it is that one man can take down an entire nation.

And if you want the spot in the league, you shall have to wait until I die of my inevitable heart attack.

But until then, Oprah's Va Jay Jay will make an appearance in this league.

DustyMcK said...

(Florence)Y'all try to hard

Dave the Wave said...

the nation of islam shows up and the thread dies.

excellent!

HadesGigas said...

Finally, my old colonoscopy will see the light of day.

Robert A. said...

This thread does not smell of badassery. It just smells. Onlt the tits have redeemed it so far.

bloodyhandedgod said...

Smells like desperation. And tits redeem everything.