Wednesday, June 27, 2007

KSK Guide to American Football For Pussified Countries Of The International Arena: Italy!

Now that the NFL has decided to start playing games abroad in an attempt to extend their global fanbase, we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to begin a multi-part series schooling our international friends in all things NFL. Next up: Italy.

Saluti, gli italiani! I know you think we Americans are a slovenly, uncouth and boorish sort. We just don't seem to share your appreciation for the concepts of "La Bella Figura," "La Dolce Vita" and all that other shit with tons of vowels that just means looking good while being lazy.

As I've mentioned previously, I spent a semester in college in Siena, a small Tuscan town known for a horse race and people who pronounce C's as H's. As such, Coca Cola becomes Hoha Hola. It's amusing less than once.

American culture has a stranglehold on the population, but not in a eeriely interesting Japanese way. Italian rap is only to be listened to by the masochistic and the damned. This doesn't stop anti-Americanism from rearing its ugly, faux-hawked or greasy (depending on which variation of Italian pussybasket you're dealing with) head. I was accosted and almost jumped by five guys in Naples during the first week of the Iraq War. Praise be that I'm a total bitch and can run very fast. This should be no surprise; Naples is an utter shithole. I was clearly duped and I think it's because the Naples-as-shithole image has not been properly communicated to the prospective traveler. The only reason to go is to book it to the port to take a quick trip to Capri, whose sun is no more refreshing than any other. Naples is really the Baltimore of Europe, which means fewer ugly squat women with beehive haircuts but just as much crime.

Though American culture is rife in Italy, football doesn't seem like a natural fit for its countrymen, who typically prefer non-contact sports like smoking, bocce ball and living with their mothers until they're 40. Okay, they enjoy some contact.

There was, however, at least one incredibly grating sign that they're making an effort. My first month there, I had to watch the tape delay of the Steelers/Titans '02 divisional round playoff game -- y'know, the one where Dewayne Washington supposedly ran into Joe Nedney on the OT FG and forced me to kill again -- on the smallest bar TV in some Australian themed pub while a bunch of skeezy Sienese townies picked up the spoiled, slutty girls in my program (that's what I get for going with UMass-Amherst). Anyway, one fine ragazzo felt the need to inform me every few minutes throughout this nerve-wracking game that, "I like-ah dees game, dees football, but I no understand. Oooh, what was-ah that happensing?"

So, following that one guy's example, here's how the NFL will excite your pene. Remember: pene means penis and penne means pasta. Be sure to accentuate that second "N" for your waiter. You'll be glad that you did.

What You’ll Think Is Bello About The NFL:
-Roger Goodell may be evil, but he makes the trains run on time.
-Eric Mangini. Italian name, American waistline.
-League pleasantly devoid of Albanians or gypsys.
-Because of familiarity with vapid Italian television, Italians will actually find play-by-play announcers witty and urbane.
-NFL, like the Vatican, makes you feel guilty for everything you enjoy.
-Many small towns, including the one I stayed at, take siestas in the middle of the day. Residents of these towns will enjoy players like Plaxico Burress, who take large chunks of the season off.
-Kool-Aid Maroney's favorite drink a passable substitute for Chianti.
-Italian women are crazy for cheap sentiment, which is the NFL's stock in trade. Actually, Italian women are just crazy.

What You’ll Think Is Brutto About The NFL:
-Not enough communism.
-Far too little corruption for Italian standards.
-Stadiums don't play Paolo Conte.
-No team in Los Angeles, therefore Aria Giovanni doesn't attend games.
-Lots of moulies.
-Ravens style of play will remind Italians at first of catenaccio, but then they'll just realize it's only because their offense is dreadful.
-Women permitted to attend games, thus not at home cooking and rearing children.
-Italians refer to doggy-style as "alla pecorina" or, translated literally, sheep-style. This has nothing really to do with football, but only further serves to illustrate that Italians are ineffably odd.

44 comments:

Hustler of Culture said...

So, "Brady Quinn eats pene" is still correct then right?

My Hero Zero said...

The NFL and Italy seem to be a perfect match. The nation that gave us la Cosa Nostra can surely appreciate Pacman's posse.

SlickBomb said...

Italian euro-slobs vs. brain-dead mouth-breathing ZooMass degenerates? Whoever wins, we all lose.

Rob I said...

Too many finocch' quarterbacks.

Otto Man said...

I see the Good and the Bad, but no Ugly?

Eli Wallach's gonna be pissed.

BeaverFever said...

"Italian women are just crazy." this is not only exclusive to italian women

Burnsy said...

"And-a maybe-a Gino Torretta gets-a the chance-a to play? Awww, nobody loves-a the Gino."

Smello said...

Naples is indeed a shithole and it rained the entire time we were on Capri.

We got accosted by groups of men in almost every city we visited. They seemed convinced that American college girls were very similar to porn stars. Not sure where they got that idea...

Tracer Bullet said...

"looking good while being lazy." If anyone can appreciate this, it would be those of us who visit KSK.

I was going to be angry about the "moulies" line, then I remembered that I live in South Philadelphia. I can just go around kicking random Italians in the nutsack/box (as the case may be) until I feel better. Time to break out the steel toes!

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

I think they'd appreciate the Mannings' ability to look like whiny incredulous nancies when they get beaten.

"They didn't unite Italy, they divided Africa." I thought this was just typical Italian racism, and then I went to Naples.

It's like Baltimore, only replace the Inner Harbor with East St. Louis and the cross that with some of the nicer parts of the Gaza Strip.

Capri was nice though, surprisingly, no juice packs.

Awful Chief said...

Yeah, give me a large popcorn, some junior mints, some jujyfruits, and...Joey Porter's gonna pay for it.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Hey Salvatore, looka who's here! Mister Cucolobanza, and some a real ugly kid!!!!

Bloof said...

I wish I knew shit about other countries, this might be even funnier. But for right now, I'll use my 'Bob and Tom Show exaggerated laugh' so I feel like I'm one of the guys.

Except my assistant, she thinks I'm a retard now.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

I only consider you scum compared to Krusty.

Yeah, you see how you sucm.

Jarrett Carter said...

Despite the NFL giving in to Dr. Buss' pleas to bring games to Europe for Kobe to watch, he's still bent on being traded.

Grimey said...

"Let's go to the zoo and watch the monkeys DO IT!!!"

liquid_d said...

The only thing worse than real Italians are their douchebag american counterparts. So proud of being from the armpit of europe...

Mark said...

Many small towns, including the one I stayed at, take siestas in the middle of the day. Residents of these towns will enjoy players like Plaxico Burress, who take large chunks of the season off.

Its funny cause its true! I hate that sack of underachieving shit.

BeaverFever said...

liquid d, why not say the only thing worse than real africans are their american counterparts, or irish or whatever. considering all my grandparents and my in-laws were born in italy i take offense to being called a so called american counterpart. and as far as the armpit of europe goes i'll match the accomplishments of people that were born in italy against wherever your people are from.

Raskolnikov said...

Last year, every Italian was a Steelers fan. This year, they all became Colts fans.

Otto Man said...
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Mike Mullen said...

It's such bullshit how most people get hung up on Italian stereotypes from the Sopranos and Godfather.

Why can't they get a more realistic idea? Like Goodfellas.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Also a shithole? Genoa.

Grimey said...

beaverfever: You're screwed if liquid_d is Japanese

Burnsy said...

Hey Beaver, you know what IROC means, right?

It's the International Race of Champions, my fine Italian friend.

Burnsy said...

C'mon Mullen, I get mine from My Blue Heaven.

"You could melt all of dis stuff."

BeaverFever said...

correct burnsy, or italian retard out cruising. didn't mean to get all worked up , trust me i know plenty of douchbags that have italian last names.

denvergodfather said...

lots of moulies = lots of morning coffee on my monitor

liquid_d said...

ouch, looks like beaver should change his name to "madmoulie". Have a cannoli and relax. And as for the armpit of europe, I meant the unwashed ass crack of europe.

BeaverFever said...
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BeaverFever said...

o.k., i've calmed down and relaxed. all i need now is that canoli or a sfogiatelle.

J.L. White said...
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J.L. White said...

Hey, Beaverfever, I'm the head of the Italian-American Anti-defamation League.....and you're really burning my cannolis!

SlickBomb said...

Hey Beaver, the only kind of racism that is acceptable nowadays is the kind against white people. Italians fall in this group. So eat your pastrami, have a coke, and shut the fuck up.

BeaverFever said...
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BeaverFever said...
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BeaverFever said...

i'm pretty sure i said i've calmed down, i'll drink some wine instead of coke, and i'll shut the fuck up for a little while.

Awful Chief said...

What's wrong with being racey? Oh, racist. ist.

Jackin'4Beats said...

I thought Mickey Blue Eyes was a respectable representation of Italians as a whole. That Hugh Grant sure can act.

I'm partial to Zeppolis during the San Gennaro festival here in NYC myself.

Otto Man said...

What's wrong with being racey? Oh, racist. ist.

There's a difference, Nigel Tuftnel.

BeaverFever said...

great spinal tap reference, the same can be said for sexy, dammit i mean sexist.

rukrusher said...

The Soprannos already made the analogy that Naples sucks, instead of Naples is Baltimore it was Naples is Newark without the good indoor plumbing. I believe the episode was Il Commodori or something like that. But Tony dreaming of banging the Mafia wife while dressed as a roman general is pricelss TV.

Awful Chief said...

thanks, beaverfever.

"We say 'love your brother'. Well, we don't literally say it. We don't literally mean it either. But the message should be perfectly clear--we're anything but racists."

Patrick said...

League pleasantly devoid of Albanians or gypsys.

Ed Hoculi will penalize you 10 yards and a loss of down for not recognizing his Albanian-ness.