Friday, March 2, 2007

KSK Off-Topic: Travels with Borat

Putatively in honor of the release of Borat on DVD on Tuesday, though more so because I don't feel like discussing the Steelers releasing J Peezy or having the league investigate one of their physicians, I feel like regaling our readers with my immaterial, rambling tale of briefly living with a perverted Kazak. It's a Friday during the off-season. Leave me be.

It was the spring of 2003. While Caveman was otherwise occupied risking his ass fighting in a war, I was engaged in that time-honored rite of passage for spoiled college students: the semester abroad. Mine was spent in Siena, a small town in Tuscany. Spare me the Under the Tuscan Sun jokes. The movie came out two months after I got back to the states and no, I didn't live in a villa and yes, I'd hit Diane Lane. Ever see Unfaithful?

I chose UMass-Amherst's program there mainly because it was taught in Italian and it was in a small town. I figured I'd get a more authentic experience than if I picked Florence or Rome, where I'd inevitably fall into the trap of hanging out with dozens of other spoiled, insular American college kids. Somehow I discounted that UMass' program would be filled with Massholes, who also never deviated from each other and always spoke English, even to the natives.

So I opted to live in an apartment with non-Americans who were still enrolled in the University of Siena for Foreigners - it was actually called that. There were three other guys: a friendly fat 40-ish Canadian guy who was trying to start a bike tour business in Tuscany, a Japanese guy who spoke no English but banged every Asian girl in town and Serik, the Kazak.

For people who assume that Sasha Baron Cohen has created a grossly inaccurate caricature of these people can have their fears allayed. It's uncanny, the likeness. Serik even sounded like Borat. I'd say the only true difference was the dearth of Anti-Semitism, but that's probably only because I didn't broach the subject of the Jews.

10 seconds into our introduction, he presses his forearm to his mouth and blows a fine approximation of flatus. I stand there stunned and he says to me "What is word for this sound?"

Me: "Uh, a fart?"

Serik: "Fort?"

Me: "Close, but with an A. Fuh. Art. Fort means something different."

Satisfied with the acquisition of this nugget of knowledge, he races into his bedroom and returns to present me with a ripped segment of notebook paper. It's a little cheat sheet of Kazak cuss words, which I've held onto because it's ineffably bizarre. It reads:

sheshen sigin - mother fucker
amshelek - pussy basket
kotak sor - suck my...
huy - penis
am - pussy

Almost four years later and I'm still not sure how to define a pussy basket. During the course of our living together, Serik spends a healthy chunk of time explaining his contempt of Russians, who, he says, during Soviet rule did everything they could to denigrate and suppress Kazak traditions and culture. I feign interest poorly, but eventually show him respect because he drinks me under the table at every opportunity. My Irish blood is no match for his seemingly limitless ability to inhale vodka.

Despite his constant declarations of hatred for the Russkies, he ends up hitting on or getting with a Russian devotchka every time we go out. He explains this away by noting that they, like him, speak Russian and he'd be handicapped otherwise. A principled stand, indeed.

Eventually, we have a falling out. We get into a fistfight because keeps moving the communal TV into his room. However, one of the last memories I have of the guy took place when he was sitting in the town square with a Japanese guy he had begun hanging out with (not the one we lived with. This one looked at least in his mid-40s).

They're sitting there admiring the various Italian women sunning themselves and discussing best modes of engagement with the opposite sex. I join them and listen to them for a few minutes. There's a pregnant pause, then Serik's friend turns to me. "You must strike," he says, dramatically cutting the air with a flattened hand. "...like ninja." I issue a long, uproarious laugh, which they meet with cold stares. Apparently there was no sarcasm intended in this statement. I hang around uneasily for a few minutes then make my leave.

That summer, I discover Da Ali G Show and though I find Borat funny, there's an awkward connection. Now, I just want to meet Cohen to know if he used the same guy to research the character. There's no other way.

Captain Caveman update: Prompted by a reader to do a Google Image Search of "pussy basket," I can assure you all that the result is a wide-ranging cornucopia of photos. For the record, here's the first image in the search:

48 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

horrorshow post droog

lauren said...

very nice.

/obvious

Christmas Ape said...

We're police now, Unsilent.

And don't call me Dim no more ehh-fer.

becky said...

wow we just got from borat to clockwork and tits in under 30 minutes.
color me impressed.

evan said...

Watching Ali G/Borat well before it was mainstream here in the states, were you a bit disappointed by the movie? It was fantastic, overall, but I felt like I knew what was coming in a lot of cases.

I have a question of weed ethics to pose...anyone willing to give an opinion on a very tough question?

Weed Against Speed said...

evan, Weed Against Speed is listening...

In Soviet Russia, car drives YOU.

Too easy?

Otto Man said...

Can you order a Pussy Basket from FTD Florists? If so, Father's Day just took on whole new levels of awesomeness.

Unsilent Majority said...

Nadsat rules!

Mike said...

I have my own weed ethics question to pose: with the increasing use of shameless cleavage shots from KSK's female fans (a trend that earns a big thumbs up), when will the bong-in-the-cleavage shot appear?

The bong-filled-with-beer-in-the-cleavage shot may be the Holy Grail. Ladies, you have your mission. Don't fail us.

Unsilent Majority said...

Mike, you're preaching to the choir.

lauren said...

Mike, I'm on it.

I have no shame.

mediapossum said...

Can you order a Pussy Basket from FTD Florists?

That is the funniest thing I have heard/read all day.

The Navigator said...

Mike: I believe you're looking for beaverbong.com (very NSFW).

That is, if vagina bong's are you thing.

Signal to Noise said...

Otto - what, you mean you've never seen it? It comes with a variety of flowers with particularly large buds in bloom and at least one Venus fly trap (to represent the crazy ones.)

Eventually a female reader will re-create the photo that UM gave us of the weed bikini.

Otto Man said...

That is, if vagina bong's are you thing.

If? Hey, he's no commie!

The Intern said...

I'm at work and trying my best to resist the urge to Google Images search "pussy basket" just to see what might turn up.

My Insignificant Life said...

From Sex Cannon to Pussy Basket - I love the continuity. This is a great example of universal balance.

BeaverFever said...

very disappointed in the pic of the pussy basket. any pics of a pussy picnic basket or maybe just a pussy picnic ?

Weed Against Speed said...

How about Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pussies?

Actually, that's just nasty, in an Ed Gein sort of way.

The Intern said...

When I finally searched "pussy basket," some guy on his motorcycle turned up. I can only assume he refers to his sidecar as The Pussy Basket.

Mike said...

That is, if vagina bong's are you thing. If? Hey, he's no commie!

Otto Man speak truth. "Vagina" and "bong": two great tastes that taste great together. Making them Reese's Penis Butter Cups I suppose.

Jeez, 3 hours til happy hour and already I need somebody to cut me off.

BeaverFever said...

Vagina: Less filling, tastes great !

Bulger in My Pants said...

Mike: I believe you're looking for beaverbong.com (very NSFW).

That is, if vagina bong's are you thing.


Add that to the list of things I wish I had never seen, just below someone getting a nail stuck in their eye.

On second thought, I wonder how much that gig pays - I have a credit card I need to pay off...

Big Daddy Drew said...

A tisket, a tasket... a little pussy basket...

The Disgruntled Chemist said...

yes, I'd hit Diane Lane. Ever see Unfaithful?

Ever see History of Violence?

Damn.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Mike, don't tell me you have a membership to beaverbong.com... if so, you better share it with UM as quickly as possible.

Weed Against Speed said...

chemist, that's Maria Bello in A History of Violence.

Maria Bello, nothing wrong with THAT.

devang said...

Lauren, nice. Since I don't do weed (yes I'm a commie) I would prefer what steagles has...the beer that is.

Bravo to both of you ladies

evan said...

Question time, like to hear it, here it goes.

I rock the ganj on the regular and I know from my older cousin that she has smoked with both of my folks (divorced). Dad is in town this weekend for my birthday and he is the epitome of the blue eyed soul movement from a few minutes back. I'm not sure if I want to cross the line and offer to chill with him. He would be cool and probably pleased that I asked, but I just don't know about crossing that barrier.

I've chiefed with cousins and an uncle, but with the immediate family, it feels like a good barrier to maintain.

Weed Against Speed said...

evan, since your dad doesn't live in the same town as you and you probably don't see him on a regular basis, you should definitely give it a shot. The thing I have learned is just be nonchalant and mention something about grass and see if he takes the bait. If he cracks a joke or at the very least does not act uncomfortable, you're golden. I have smoked with my old man and it's totally cool.

And instead of maintaining the barrier, it might be a better idea to bridge the gap between you and the old man. You're an adult, right?

Otto Man said...

How did this turn into an Ann Landers column?

Weed Against Speed said...

otto man, there is nothing wrong with any discussion regarding weed, in any capacity or any forum.

Or maybe that's just the weed talking.

evan said...

w.a.s. - Me and him see each other usually once a month since he lives about 2 hours away. We're very cool and the gap isn't there really as father and son can be. Also, I know that when he and my cousin were coming back from a "walk" that he looked goofy as hell.

I'll see how it's going because old folks are not used to the good that we cop these days. What we can get blunted to might put him down for the entire afternoon and there's too much shit to do this weekend.

You ever bring green with you on trips or in the car and then magically find little baggies with quality remnants weeks later? Usually me neither, but such a nice suprise looking my car's center console?

Unsilent Majority said...

what's becoming of us?

The Last Unitard said...

Yeah, but have you ever looked at beaverbong.com.... ON WEED?

evan said...

UM - You knew it had to happen.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Almost four years later and I'm still not sure how to define a pussy basket.

That sir is what I needed to read this Friday afternoon. Laughed out loud at my desk. You have now crossed into the Xander Zone...

And what's up with the advice column? If you're Dad's still puffin' on the green, then he's got to be cool with just about everything, except taking more than 2 pulls before passing.

Weed Against Speed said...

My sentiments exactly jackin'. And I apologize to everyone for my involvement in the advice column bit. Won't let it happen again...unless I'm stoned and forget this.

Bulger in My Pants said...

what's becoming of us?

You boys are getting pussified. Or should I say pussybasketified. Before you know it, you'll be crying at chick flicks and posting pictures of puppies frolicking in a field...

Big Daddy Drew said...

I'd rather have a rubber band shot at my nuts that smoke up with my dad, no matter his coolness. You can't control that situation, my friend. He slips loose that he likes the occasional vibrator up the ass, and BOOM you're scarred for life.

Jackin'4Beats said...

pussybasketified

HAHAHAHAHA. This just keeps getting better. Sounds like Justin T-Lake's next album title. Although that random 10 minute video was not too bad. Wait...who wrote that?

Again, BDD brings us all back to reality with that post. WOW.

The Intern said...

Pussy basket is my phrase of the weekend. It's so confusing that it could apply to almost anything.

Or it's just a basket full of pussies. That too.

Weed Against Speed said...

Good call, Drew. I never thought of it that way. All I can say is it worked out for me, since I already was scarred for life.

Mike said...

I believe a pussy basket is the place one puts his bag of dicks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMy6wVNdllI

Smello said...

Are you allowed to post pictures of cats without clothes?

doug_plank said...

So no wrestling with your Kasak friend when you caught him beating off to the TV?

J.L. White said...

Ape: "What in the hell is a pussy basket?"

Me: "Well, I could be wrong, but I believe, uh, a pussy basket is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era."

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