Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Sudden Death: Best Recourse For Old People Inner-City Orphans NFL Overtime Games


I fucking love the NFL's overtime format. It's rigid and unforgiving, like my cock. It also rocks your face, but maybe you just don't know it yet, maybe because you're too busy thinking about the homeless. You're always thinking about the gaddamned homeless; can't you see that THEY WANT TO BE POOR!?!?

Some of you assholes act like winning the coin flip wins the game. Not fucking so, though I'd say if you can't correctly identify an outcome that has a 50 percent chance of happening, your ineptitude has no place in mock combat.

Anyway, even if you're in OT and you lose the toss, you still kick off and have a chance to pin the other team deep. You can still stop your opponents on defense. And even if you fuck that up, they still can block the candy-assed 27-yard field goal attempt that will win the game.

"But it would be MORE FAIR if both teams got the ball," you would mutter through your vagigi as you hang your Che Guevara out the window of your studio apartment to air dry.

Yeah, so those ten or twelve possessions your team had in regulation, wasn't that fair? What about not banishing the special teams units to the sideline to reprise the same pivotal role they played during regulation. Wouldn't that be fair?

Some of you are just in love with the Gay Circus Overtime they use in the college game, because each team gets a turn on the top AND the bottom. We saw a gay circus at the start of the Super Bowl, and most of us can safely agree what a colossal failure that was.

Your views and improvements for OT are welcome in the comments.

48 comments:

Drizztdj said...

Going to the college-styled OT would be un-american like grilling a good steak medium well

Awful Chief said...

If you want the ball in OT, you should have to start at your own 10 yard line. No kickoff. That way if your team happens to be led by Marty Mornhinweg there is no clear-cut decision he can fuck up if the win the coin flip.

The Intern said...

No field goals or punts. You play this like NFL Blitz on N64. All or nothing.

Pacifist Viking said...

I honestly think they should eliminate overtime in the regular season.

lieutenant winslow said...

...can't you see that THEY WANT TO BE DRUNK AND SMELL LIKE FECES!?!?

Fixed.

The Offensive Coordinator said...

Keep the sudden death, obviously. But instead of a fairy 'coin toss', you have the head coaches come out to midfield and the ref starts counting up from the 1 yard line. The coach who drops his challenge flag first gets the ball on that yard line. Let's see who's got bigger, brassier balls.

Weed Against Speed said...

Matt Hasselbeck belives you always should win the game if you win the coin toss.

Rob I said...

Instead of the coin toss, the referee should put the ball on the ground and let a player from each team scramble for it to determine who receives the kickoff in overtime.

In fact, my idea is so brilliant, I might start up my own rival league with this concept as the centerpiece.

devang said...

After the 1st 2 OTs, each field goal kicker gets 5 tries starting with a 35 yarder. 1dt one to miss gets thrown to Joey Porter or his dogs.

82 said...

have the head coaches come out to midfield and the ref starts counting up from the 1 yard line. The coach who drops his challenge flag first gets the ball on that yard line. Let's see who's got bigger, brassier balls.

I love this idea!

Boy Howdy said...

I think we should go one step further, and make the coin toss the final determination. You win the coin toss, and pow, you win.

Think how pissed Peter King would be.

Unsilent Majority said...

I can name that tune in fifteen yards.

Grimey said...

rob i: That would have worked if that one fucker hadn't torn his ACL.

Burnsy said...

XFL style - but it was a broken arm against my Orlando Rage. RAGE IN '08, SON!

Or put all of each teams' cheerleaders in bathroom stalls and let it roll from there. I don't have a suggestion to determine the winner, I just know that someone wins and it's likely us.

BeaverFever said...

i have to admit i like the college o.t. set up, but i don't own a che t-shirt. btw, anyone with a che t-shirt should read up on the guy. he was a mass murderer, not sure why people chose to glorify him.

o.k., i'm off the soap box. if push comes to shove why not rock, paper, scissors to determine the outcome of o.t.

Andrew (JUhS) said...

How about a rugby-style "line out" at the fifty yard line? The ref tosses the ball from the sideline. The linemen prop up a receiver or corner. Whoever gets control of the ball has to toss it to the QB (or any teammate on the field, really). Play commences.

That would be amazing.

Claude Balls said...

My view and suggestion for this post is that someone supply MMP with a proofreader. The man is obviously too busy to do it himself.

Yes, I am a dick about writing.

fallex said...

After the 1st 2 OTs, each field goal kicker gets 5 tries starting with a 35 yarder. 1dt one to miss gets thrown to Joey Porter or his dogs.

Isn't that what they do in soccer? Of course, replacing "Joey Porter or his dogs" with "homicidal hooligans"

Fuck that, and fuck any scenario that ends in a tie.

Otto Man said...

Burnsy and I had the same thought -- cheerleader catfight.

I rape red sox fans said...

Yes, I am a dick that likes Clint.

FYP

Unsilent Majority said...

he was a mass murderer, not sure why people chose to glorify him.

Stick it McCarthy!

BeaverFever said...

i'm no McCarthy by any means. Just don't get the whole Che thing. he was a bad guy. you know what, my fault for bringing politics up. Won't happen again. I'll stick to football, porn, and goofing on people.

Unsilent Majority said...

he was a bad guy

So was Al Capone.

Grimey said...

Why are all these kids wearing Tony Montana T-shirts?

janie said...

I realise that this is no place for a serious suggestion, but I'm going for it anyway - instead of a coin toss why don't they just look at total offensive yards? Call me a pinko liberal but that seems much fairer to me.

And El Che a mass murderer? What, like Bush?
Anyway, you can't make an omelette without cracking eggs...

BeaverFever said...

i will also make sure not to buy any t-shirts with al capone's face or pacman jones' face on it .

fallex said...

I actually had a Che shirt in college. In my defense, a friend bought it for me. But some jackass actually asked me "what is that supposed to be? The male version of the Les Mis. shirt?" It's no wonder his nickname was Cletus.

Awful Chief said...

Easy there, Janie. That would be like settling a tie in soccer by the number of touches a team has or time of possession. At the end of the game none of that shit matters. Unless you're Arsene Wenger.

janie said...

You know what awful chief - that day may not be far off in soccer. I hear that one of the next topics up for discussion with regard to the EPL is to find a way to do away with ties in league games. Maybe they could look at how many players on each team have taken a dive, how many fans from each team have invaded the pitch or thrown coins, which manager has the nicest suit etc. etc.

Burnsy said...

Otto, I wasn't suggesting a cat fight, but it sure does involve pussy. HEYOOOOOOOO!!!

BeaverFever said...

burnsy, thanks for bringing the focus back to the comments. more puss and cheerleader talk, less soccer and politics.

Burnsy said...

If we change the topic to soccer then we've really let the terrorists at arseblog win.

devang said...

Janie,

Nice of Villa to salvage a tie with the scousers

janie said...

devang

VERY nice - we need any points we can get. Shame it was a such a shitty match - still, as always, it looked a lot better through the bottom of a glass.

devang said...

Janie,

Jameson's I presume?

janie said...

God bless that nectar, devang, God bless it!

BTW, apologies for the soccer talk - I don't want to start another war like the one the other week. For once I wasn't responsible for bringing it up.

Quick, someone post a dick joke.

Vanilla said...

... The coach who drops his challenge flag first gets the ball on that yard line. Let's see who's got bigger, brassier balls.
I think this is a great idea, but make the QBs drop the flag because then you've got egos like Hasselbeck and The Sex Cannon dropping flags on "one". Everyone knows the Sex Cannon does it for the full 99 yards, baby.

devang said...

Quick, someone post a dick joke.

fixed.

janie said...

Yay!

God, I'm missing Rexy.

Robert said...

Hahahaha big props to vanilla for that, but honestly...the Cumslinger wouldn't wait for the ref to say "one". He would want to break the record with a 100-yard pass, and then cleverly comment to a nearby cheerleader that it isn't the only thing of his longer than Favre's.

devang said...

A 100 yard dash between the head coaches.

Imagine Andy Reid vs. Parcells? Who keels over 1st?

micah said...

Or put all of each teams' cheerleaders in bathroom stalls and let it roll from there. I don't have a suggestion to determine the winner, I just know that someone wins and it's likely us.

i like that idea a lot, but i think we could also replace the teams with bikini clad women and let them duke it out. once again, we all win.

God Hates Raiders Fans said...

Speaking of Rextasy I had this crazy dream last night. Al Davis traded Moss to chicago for Kyle Orton and drafted Calvin Johnson.

All I could think of was: Goddamn how many bombs would we see outa the sex cannon this year if that happend. It would be like the 1st Gulf War all over again.

Otto Man said...

I like the cut of your jib, Burnsy.

Uncle JR said...

In case of tie, the home team wins.

End of fucking discussion.

lauren said...

cli-che.

OT red rover.

red rover, red rover let joey porter's pitbulls come over.

Jackin'4Beats said...

I fucking love the NFL's overtime format. It's rigid and unforgiving, like my cock

Wow, didn't know you could read my mind like that.

Peter King and the pussy basket jerkoffs who think football is supposed to be fair can take a nice long slurp of my rigid, unforgiving cock...

This isn't elementary school soccer where evry kid gets a trophy no matter how bad they suck. These are grown men making really good money to score TDs in regulation. If they aren't complaining then why should we care what the hell a bowel loosener and his loyal hair lotion lovers really want?

robustyoungsoul said...

If college football overtime is a "Gay Circus", then I am the bearded lady.