Friday, March 16, 2007

NFL Celebrity Final Four Picks!


During the NFL offseason, we’ll be asking various luminaries of the league establishment to join us in making picks for other prominent sporting events. It’s a day late, but here are the Final Four picks from of your favorite NFL players, coaches, broadcasters, and columnists. Their title picks are in bold.

Norv Turner:
Kansas
UNC
Ohio St.
Florida
NOTE: Turner’s bracket picked all 63 games to chalk.

Bill Simmons:
Texas A&M
Georgetown
Florida
Kansas
NOTE: Should these picks end up being erroneous, I already have an excerpt from Simmons’ next column about it: “When I look back, OF COURSE I should have taken UNC to win it all. In fact, I was ready to pick them. But, as usual, I outsmarted myself. Don’t you just hate when you’re too smart like I always am? Let me reanalyze the entire field in retrospect so that I look like even more of an arrogant prick.”

Najeh Davenport:
Duke
Duke
Duke
Duke

Peter King:
Colgate
Tufts
Ohio U.
Montclair’s Girl’s JV Teeball (“Such Good Kids.”)

Ted Johnson:
Trombone
Hat
Grandpa!
Toenail

Tom Brady:
Coat Hanger
Punch To The Abdomen
Push Down Flight Of Stairs
Crushed RU-486 In A Glass Of Cotes Du Rhone

Chris Berman:
Buffalo
San Francisco
Brown
Leather

Michael Irvin:
Glass Pipe With Tin Foil
Plastic Honey Bear Container
Corncob Pipe
Petrified, Hallowed-Out Human Finger

Tank Johnson:
In The Ass
In The Mouth
In A Stab Wound
In The Eye

Pacman Jones:
Gold Teeth
Criminal Record
Lean
Anything That Will Help Set Black People Back 125 Years

Sean Salisbury:
Via Email
In A Photo Booth
In A Public Park
In A Popcorn Box

Lawrence Phillips:
Rape
Murder
Arson
Rape (He Likes Rape)

John Madden:
Favre
Manning
Brady
”Does Frank Winters Still Play? Remember Him? Ol’ Frank Bag O Donuts?! I Like Donuts!”

Ray Lewis:
Knife
Dagger
Shiv
Awl

Wade Phillips:
Whipped Butter
Mortadella
Egg Yolks
“Bacon Paste”

I’m sure you’ve got some celebrity picks of your own. Tell us in the comments.

90 comments:

Weed Against Speed said...

"Bacon Paste"

Well played, sir.

lieutenant winslow said...

i'm calling shenanigans.

everyone knows the playmaker has "strippers" and "freebase" in his final four bracket

Boy Howdy said...

"i could do this all day"

Please do, these were fantastic.

Although I think that Peter King might have picked the barista working the early shift at the Starbucks in the St. Louis airport as his sleeper pick to go a few rounds deep into the tournament. Apparently the quintuple venti margarine mocha was superb.

Bad Barbecue said...

I like the comment baiting. It's like you really care. But I'm not commenting until I read "Hey Barbecue, what do you think?".

lieutenant winslow said...

fine, fine...


zac randolph's final four picks are listed below:

xanax
rohypnol
GHB
ketamine
roofies

Big Daddy Drew said...

Hey Barbecue, what do you think?

David said...

Clark Kellogg

Stanford
Patently Obvious Remarks
My Barely Concealed Contempt for Seth Davis
Team With the Most Points

Christmas Ape said...

Shannon Sharpe:
Gabba
Snorba
Greeba
Doobah

Chris said...

Points for the Blazing Saddles reference.

Christmas Ape said...

Sorry, he meant Greeba State.

My Insignificant Life said...

Rex Grossman

The chick in the blue thong
The chick in the pink thong
The chick in the red thong
The chick with no thong - The Winner

Kyle Orton

Johnny Walker Red
Johnny Walker Black
Jim Beam
Jack Daniels - The Winner

devang said...

Mike Golic

Notre Dame
Charlie Weis
Taser to the ass
Side of Beef

lieutenant winslow said...

captain caveman's final four picks

spf 25
spf 30
spf 45
spf 60

spf 60


(sorry caveman. i can't resist the low hanging fruit)

devang said...

Fred Smoot

Double sided dildo in the pussy
Double side dildo in the ass
Double sided dildo in the mouth
Double sided dildo in a blow up doll that looks like Mike Tice

jgperras said...

Pat Summerall:

Whiskey
Vodka
Rum
Jaeger

Jaeger in a nailbiter over Vodka.

The Intern said...

Terri Schiavo

Creamed corn
Mashed peas
Gravy
Protein shake

Danny G said...

Clint

This Blog stinks
You all ride Drew's coattails
All the commentors are gay
I'll still read and comment everyday

devang said...

John Amaechi

Tim Hardaway in assless leather chaps

Isaiah Washington in a nurses uniform

Jerry Sloan in a Mormon Bride's outfit

Bad Barbecue said...

Oh God, too much pressure. What have I done? Look away.

The Intern said...

Chris Henry

16 year olds
15 year olds
14 year olds
Drunk 14 year olds

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Brett Favre

Vicodin*
Lortab**
Percocet
Darvocet

*Vicodin and Jim Beam is Brett Favre's pick

**Lortab and Captain Morgan's is my pick

And that Tom Brady list was fucked up, man. Priceless.

Larry Bird Flu said...

Dick Cheney:

Syria
Iran
North Korea
Chest pains**

lieutenant winslow said...

i think larry bird flu just won

Bad Barbecue said...

Rick Majerus

-yankin' in shower
-yankin' in behind podium delivering a eulogy
-yankin' while slicing meat at the deli counter
-yankin' in confessional

Jackin' it in a confessional wins hands down. (pun intended and regretted). Yes, "sehxc" is the verification, that's a good omen.

mmmm beefy said...

Mark Cuban

bitching about the Olympics
bitching about David Stern
bitching about the refs in the finals last year
bitching about Belichick stealing his sweatshirt

My Insignificant Life said...

Peyton Manning

Liza
Cher
Elton John
Kenny Chesney - The Winner

DrDoom said...

peyton manning

kenny no check that daughtry no springstein wait audbile audible girls i like girls no kenny no springstein ble hamper raid men loving... oh shit play clocks at 4

kenny( winner)
16 old girl at her sweet 16
footballs
archie (incest jokes are always fun, and how do you think the mannings got to look like that)

DrDoom said...

holy shit, if i had not spent all that time audibling i would have posted first.

funny but wtf.

Larry Bird Flu said...

Kurt Cobain:

BANG!
BLAMMO!
BOOM!
BLAMMO STATE!**

(thanks Winslow...I'm gonna do this all day)

SteveJeltzFan said...

KSK Gay Mafia (Collective

Who Knew They Grew Funny In Minnesota?
Nothing Good Comes From Ohio
Jews Who Mistake Being a Religious Minority With Being Pseudo-African-American
Grown Men With Kitties (A startling upset!)

cinnamon girl said...

QOTSA:

Nicotine
Valium
Vicodin
Marijuana
Ecstasy
Alcohol
The Winner - COCAINE

Anybody?

Christmas Ape said...

Joey Porter's dogs

Shaq's police horse
Lt. Winslow
Dave Barry
Indiscriminate killing

Christmas Ape said...

Hey, I only have one cat, but I am zinged nonetheless.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Cinnamon girl, it's pronounced "c-c-c-c-c-cocaaaaaaine"

Jennifer said...

Sea Bass

Roofies
LSD
Vodka
35 Extra Pounds in the off-season**

lieutenant winslow said...

cinnamon girl,


you had me at cocaine

Pulp said...

Ann Coulter:

Faggot
N*gger
Kike
TV Coverage**

Danny G said...

Michael Vick

Chlamydia.
Genital herpes
Genital warts
Gonorrhea

DrDoom said...

marcus vick

sex behind mcdonalds for alchohal
stopping on elis dumervils leg
attempting to get into a strip club with mikes id
working at mcdonalds**

Weed Against Speed said...

Cinnamon Girl - have you been going through medicine cabinet?

Larry Bird Flu said...

Eli Manning:

Checkers
Stratego
Twister
Go Fish**

Weed Against Speed said...

My medicine cabinet, that is.

See what happens when coke gets brought up?

mediapossum said...

Jerramy Stevens

DUI
Marijuana Possession
DUI
League Minimum*

Otto Man said...

Carolina Panthers cheerleaders

Pillow fight
Bubble bath
Hef's Grotto
Bathroom stall**

Signal to Noise said...

Thumbs up, cinnamon girl.

Lance Briggs:

Money
Ego
Job Security
TV Appearances

Stuart Scott:

UNC
Another Played-Out Stereotypical Catch Phrase
Dead Eye
Booty Calling Behind The Wife's Back

liquid_d said...

Michael Vick

Ganja
Reefer
Acupulco Gold
Roman Red**

Though Mary Jane State was definitley a sleeper pick.

Larry Bird Flu said...

Tiger Woods:

Caucasian**
Black
Native American
Asian

Otto Man said...

Michael Strahan

The Grand Canyon
The Red Sea
Paris Hilton's Legs
The Gap**

Burnsy said...

Ape, I think Sharpe is changing his picks to hay and oats.

Clay Aiken

Dick
Glory Hole
Rimming
Bath house starfish

mediapossum said...

Nick Saban

Honesty
Commitment
Trust
Greed**

Signal to Noise said...

Matt Leinart:

Paris Hilton
Brynn Cameron
Lindsay Lohan
Anything With Two Legs and a Vagina

Bad Barbecue said...

my picks:

Tequila
Unattractive hookers
Slaw
Meth

Slaw and Hookers just went to overtime.

BeaverFever said...

Greg Easterbrook's Final 4

Obscure monthly magazine
Obscure science reference
Obscure literature/history reference
Obscure high school football story

thank God he is smarter than the rst of us

Otto Man said...

Mike Krzyzewski

The soft caress of Dick Vitale
A vowel
The fugliest cheerleaders in the world
A lover's fight with the refs

(Please note: Coach K refused to select a winner, insisting that basketball tournaments no longer continue after the first round.)

mediapossum said...

Pokey Chatman

Finger
Fist
Dildo
Strap-on

Dave said...

Sarah Spain:

Whore self out for Super Bowl Tickets
Whore self out for Cubs Tickets
Stringing along Captain Caveman
Anything to get attention

Biggus Rickus said...

Anna Nicole Smith:

Shriveled balls
Masturbating with rolls of $100 bills
Howard K. Stern
Decomposition

Otto Man said...

Christmas Ape's Shannon Sharpe is the winner.

It's like getting my Final Four picks directly from Mush Mouth!

Monday Morning Punter said...

Blondes
Brunettes
Redheads
Oxen

devang said...

Erin Andrews
Bonnie Bernstein
Suzy Kolber
Pam Ward (I don't have any standards)

John said...

barbaro:

shannon sharpe
BBBB
rebecca lobo
AFFIRMED

Larry Bird Flu said...

The Sports Gal:

Britney Spears
Jessica Simpson
Angelina Jolie
Shooting self in head at the next White Shadow reference**

Otto Man said...

Charlie Weis

The entire menu in a bucket
A half a dozen crates of brown ale
A wafer-thin mint
The lot**

devang said...

Charlie Weis

Eat
Shit
Search for Penis under massive Fupa
Tie shoelaces

country blumpkin said...

Jeremy Shockey:

Donkey Punch
Angry Dragon
Jelly Doughnut
Batching in a girl's eye

Turns out Jeremy's an old-fashioned guy

That's What She Said said...

Isaiah Washington

homosexuals
gays
queers
faggots - winner

Josh said...

Josh McRoberts:

VCU
Busts
Todd Fuller
Tears**

Grimey said...

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Bruce Gradkowski
Chris Simms
Jeff Garcia
Hollywood from Mannequin

Unsilent Majority said...

Ron Borges just stole my picks

Otto Man said...

UM just stole my Ron Borges joke.

cate said...

Devang: Golic used to have PB&J on there, but that went bad down the stretch.

Big Ben:

Bull-riding camp
Heli-skiing
Base-jumping
Defective gallbladder

Burnsy said...

Hollywood from Mannequin doesn't get nearly enough credit when it comes to gay jokes and references.

Robert said...

Cincinnati Bengals:
Suspension and Fine
DUI
Minimum Sentence
Underachieving and missing the playoffs***

Jackin'4Beats said...

Winners:

Shannon Sharpe
Tom Brady
Tank Johnson

Love the picks.

Marty Schottenheimer:

League Rushing Champ
Gigantosaur
Good Young QB
Still can't save my job

Phillip said...

Kobe:

-right eye
-left eye
-upper lip
-forhead

it's his thing, you know.

Ryan said...

Billy Packer:

Florida State
Syracuse
Kansas State
Anybody but a fucking mid-major

J.L. White said...

Brady Quinn:

On All Fours
Reverse-Cowgirl
Pressed up against the side of a bathroom stall
In the backseat of A.J. Hawk's car

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Ben Roethlisberger:

Motorcycle crash
Appendectomy
Concussion
Figured Out

Mike said...

Paris Hilton:

In my pussy
In my ass
In my mouth
In all three simultaneously

Martin Scorsese:

Taxi Driver
Raging Bull
GoodFellas
The Departed

Communist Dan said...

LeBron James:

Having kids out of wedlock
Mother kicking out window of police cruiser
Leaving Cleveland as soon as contract expires
Finding out Greg Oden is his father

Rip Slagcheek said...

Rhinos
Elephants
Immortals
Sparta

Slash said...

Jerry Jones:

- Cosmetic surgery
- Hiring coaches to try to find one as good as that guy with the hat
- Trying to keep track of who's on probation
- Getting taxpayers to shell out for my shit*

* The winner

Clint said...

Big Daddy Drew:

Posts about daughter.
Posts about 'Mrs. Drew'
Posts about being the man
Posts about whacking off

Clint said...

Jackin4beats:

KFC
Hamhocks N' Chitlunds
Grits
Being a TV Thief

Clint said...

KSK Crew:

Rag on ESPN
Make fun of Mental Retardation
Masturbation/7th Grade humor post
Suck off Deadspin

Nick said...

Clint:
Scarf
Belt
Plastic Bag
Shoelaces

Winner is ughhguughhahhh

Jackin'4Beats said...

Clint:

Marrying your sister
Getting your sister pregnant
Drinking moonshine at your wedding
Wearing a pink robe and hood*

*winner

You're still my bitch no matter how hard you try.

Sean said...

I'll bless you for the Tom Brady final four, 'cause god sure as hell won't

Brilliant

Lionel McClure said...

Tiki Barber:

NBC
CBS
ESPN
The Spice Channel*

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