Thursday, March 22, 2007

The Offseason Adventures Of Michael Vick! Episode 3: Matt Schaub Is Traded


(phone rings)

Vick: (startles awake) What?! What the fuck is that?!

(phone rings)

Vick: Is that the phone, or am I still trapped in that dream with the cannibal mafia hitman?

(phone rings)

Vick: Okay, I think it’s the phone. Fuck, man.

(phone rings)

Vick: (takes bong hit) Hello?

Blank: Hello, Michael?

Vick: Maybe…


Blank: Michael, it’s Arthur Blank.

Vick: Man, I told you motherfuckers I don’t want that Fios hi-speed internet shit!

Blank: No, Michael, it’s Mr. Blank. From the Falcons!

Vick: What? Oh hey, Mr. Owner-man! The one with the mustache! How the fuck you doin’?

Blank: Listen Michael, I just wanted to let you know that we tra…

Vick: You the motherfucker that own Home Depot, right?

Blank: Yes.

Vick: Why can’t I ever find a motherfucker to help my ass in that goddamn store?

Blank: Well, we try and lay out the store so that it’s user-friendly.

Vick: Fuck that. And how come I need anchors when I screw shit in the drywall? I’m just trying to put in a shelf, and it turns into some 8-hour project and shit. My fishbowl keeps sliding off it now, man. Fuck.

Blank: Well, the anchors keep the drywall from coming loose.

Vick: Well, how come I don’t need an anchor for screwing into wood?

Blank: Because it’s stronger.

Vick: Then why don’t they just make the whole wall outta wood? Riddle me that!

Blank: Because it would warp. It’s just not a good idea.

Vick: (takes bong hit) That’s fucked up.

Blank: Anyway, Michael, I wanted to let you know that we traded Matt Schaub.

Vick: Who the fuck is that?

Blank: Our backup QB.

Vick: You mean the white boy?

Blank: Yes.

Vick: Damn. That motherfucker was good. Like really good.

Blank: Anyway, Michael, I thought you’d be pleased to hear the news. There’s no ambiguity about where you stand now.

Vick: Ambiguity? You calling me a fag?

Blank: No, I’m saying YOU ARE THE MAN NOW.

Vick: Yeah man, but white boy knew the motherfuckin’ playbook, man. He’s the one who watched film and went to meetings for me. He had good notes, man. Who the fuck am I gonna crib shit from now? What did you trade him for?

Blank: Two second rounders.

Vick: Two second rounders?! Motherfucker, you crazy? I just smoked a bowl laced with Liquid Plumr, and even I wouldn’t trade the bitch for that little. Why don’t you just trade him for a Slush Puppy while you’re at it?

Blank: I thought you’d be happy.

Vick: I just… I just don’t need this kinda pressure in my life right now, man. Everybody’s looking AT ME, man. Why can’t we all just slow the fuck down for a second and consider things like, tall wavy grass and shit?

Blank: Maybe this isn’t the best time to talk.

Vick: And how come they don’t serve burgers at the Home Depot? I’m moving lumber and shit. I get fucking hungry, man!

Blank: I think I’ll call back later.

Vick: It burns when you snort vodka. Wait… are you still on the line?

Blank: Yes.

Vick: Is this Marcus?

Blank: No Michael, it’s Arthur Blank.

Vick: Marcus, I think I just hallucinated. Schauby was in Texas and my chicken sandwich stood up on its hind legs.

(Mr. Blank hangs up.)

Vick: Hello? Fuck, Marcus, are you impersonating a dial tone again? Ha ha ha! Holy fuck, I am stoned. I’m not sure I can move. I feel like drinking an entire bottle of Caesar salad dressing. What’s that buzzing sound?!

Photo, as always, courtesy of the Onion. Oh, and nice job not trading for Matt Schaub, Minnesota Vikings. You fucking impotent assholes.

39 comments:

I rape red sox fans said...

[/stands up and applauds]

The Last Unitard said...

Don't worry, Drew. We're going to trade two first rounders for Carr and then everything will be fine.

janie said...

That was just brilliant. Thank you.

Unsilent Majority said...

my chicken sandwich stood up on its hind legs

I just think it bears repeating.

Ryan said...

You are doing the Lord's work, BDD.

And my word verification is "cuumatqo".

Redhead said...

That reminded me of every conversation I had with my boyfriend in college. Ah, memories. Thanks.

Signal to Noise said...

Drew, your Vikes better deal for Carr -- you have an offensive line, he could actually do well instead of fear for his life.

Two second rounders?! Motherfucker, you crazy? I just smoked a bowl laced with Liquid Plumr, and even I wouldn’t trade the bitch for that little. Why don’t you just trade him for a Slush Puppy while you’re at it?

This was the part that had me rolling. Well played, again.

man vs. train said...

That was the funniest shit I've ever read.

Pete Rose Colored Glasses said...

Thank you for making my afternoon!

BeaverFever said...

always use anchors in dry wall. not only a hilarious post , but a few around the house tips for good measure. excellent work as always.

devang said...

OH.MY.GOD.

FUCKINGLY BRILLIANT.

The chicken sandwich line was the best!!!

Burnsy said...

They serve hamburgers at my Home Depot. There's a nice Puerto Rican family that operates a stand outside the entrance. The daughter has a Stuart Scott eye so it looks like she's watching me walk up but also making sure Tony Stewart doesn't jump off the Coke machine and attack someone.

Walklett said...

Snorting Vodka a.k.a. "Chilly Willy"

grungedave said...

"dude, it's for you... I think it's the devil!"

and I still think the Texans got hosed in giving up 2 picks for a guy with just as many picks as TDs. But he's better than Garcia...

Mike said...

Wow I didn't know the Chilly Willy was a well-known thing. I would suggest Absolut Citron.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Also a definition for Chill Willy: To stick your hand in a bowl of ice and then masturbate.

Rick Majerus approves!

Mike said...

Bravo, Drew. That was great.

(Not the Chill Willy, the post.)

Grimey said...

That's all my penis needs: freezer burn.

Texas Gal said...

Poor, pretty David Carr. I hope he goes somewhere (anywhere) and thrives- and then the Texans look like chumps. Again.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Hilarious. That's just what I needed to jump start the rest of my day.

I guess it's safe to assume that chicken sandwich didn't come from the fine Mormons at Chick-Fil-A. That's what Ronny Mex gets by going to Ruby's Sugar Shack in Bankhead for a chicken sandwich.

DrDoom said...

thank you for this....

my chicken sandwich is applauding.

Chris said...

I with UM the chicken sandwich line was the best part.


Also in other news KSK's favorite NY QB is getting . Also I grew up with this girl so if anyone wants some unflattering middle school photos let me know.

fallex said...

There was a Home Depot here in the ATL that used to have a Fuddrucker's in it. I'll have to say the 1/2 pound hamburger with the 1/4-lb. hot dog doesn't go well with sawdust and paint fumes. That's why I only ate there twice a week.

Rickhouse said...

Vikes don't need Carr, they got TJ.

Claude Balls said...

Do we need an unflattering middle school photo? The adult photo you linked to would seem to be enough.

Bravo Drew.

Word verification: igodrv

Grimey said...

By the way, if Oakland picks up David Carr and drafts Calvin Johnson, I will throw up.

David said...

With Vick's offseason proving this fascinating, I almost (almost) don't want the season to start at all.

Cedrick said...

Drew,
that is just fucking brilliant, man.

BTO

BigRicks said...

BDD, thanks for the post, the anchors & dry wall bit was fantastic.

grungedave, thanks for the Grandma's Boy reference, saw it for the first time this past weekend. Fucking funny (after a few drinks).

Worth noting, at the Home Depot in Bridgeport, CT they sell Philly Steaks and Sausages, Vick would fucking love it.

Ted Valentine said...

Episode 3 is the best yet.

Question: Why does Mike sound like Eddie Murphy circa 'Raw' crossed with Tommy Chong on 'That 70s Show'?

Drizztdj said...

Oh, and nice job not trading for Matt Schaub, Minnesota Vikings. You fucking impotent assholes

TJ = Mike Vick Jr. that can't run as well

Sadly I think the axis of authority or whatever they're naming themselves are busy spanking it to a Brady Quinn poster in the back of a Dairy Queen. Looking to throwing my Viking brick at the TV even more this year.

Captain Caveman said...

Chris, email me those photos, good friend.

Scott said...

That's even funnier when you replace Vick's voice with Tracy Morgan's character on 30 Rock. Funny stuff.

J.L. White said...

I may be certifiable, but doesn't Aurther Blank look like the kind of guy who would wear a white fedora while wooing withered old retirees on a cruiseship? I can't think of any 82-year-old widows that would turn down those soft, mezmerizing eyes.

Unsilent Majority said...

jl, you're close. I've always thought of Arthur Blank as the NFL's answer to The Continental

Vin Forte said...

Only one word describes this post: scrumtrulesant.

Babydaddy said...

Outstanding.
And Tracy Morgan as Vick is inspired--in a movie, in real life, whatever.

Juancho said...

Next time you need some help at HD and you see a bunch of employees standing around, just go up to one of them and ask if you can pick him out from the "Pumpkin Patch".

He'll get the message.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Only one word describes this post: scrumtrulesant

I'm glad to see that X to the Z has made an appearance on the comment board.