Wednesday, March 7, 2007

All Old People Should Be Fired Like This

The Panthers cut QB Chris Weinke, arguably the most uninspiring two-sport athlete of our generation, on Tuesday. Yeah, hard to believe that drafting a 28-year-old quarterback didn't pay greater dividends for them.

Some highlights of Weinke's career:

- Played six years of minor league baseball, probably dusted off many a tired vagina on road trips during a mediocre career as a struggling third baseman, playing with many future stars such as Juan Marichal and Goose Gossage.

- Enrolled at Florida State to play football at Florida State, probably slipped Captain Weinke into some coeds over at FSU that were less than half his age plus seven.

- Became the first player to win the Heisman Trophy with erectile dysfunction.

- started 27 games in the NFL, all with the Panthers. Was eventually replaced by Rodney Peete, who was replaced by a celibate homeless guy at the Charlotte Bus Station, who was replaced by Jake Delhomme.

Weinke will probably spend time getting back to Jesus; they've lost touch since they went to elementary school together.

28 comments:

Danny G said...

Now there's a haircut you can set your watch to.

Unsilent Majority said...

that Arimathea Elementary School reunion is coming up!

KillBillWirtz said...

Cretin-Derham Hall represent!

lieutenant winslow said...

watching old footage of Dan Morgan picking Weinke on the 1 yard line in the Orange Bowl, still to this day, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.


wait. maybe thats just the oxycontin

Big Daddy Drew said...

No FSU player made Lee Corso's merkin stand up quite like Weinke. I'm convinced they were clandestine lovers at one point.

Weed Against Speed said...

Now Chris has time to catch up on episodes of Matlock and Murder She Wrote.

He's also going to haul ass to Lollapalooza.

And killbillwirtz - Randolph Avenue is in the house!

KillBillWirtz said...

Nah, I didn't go to CDH, but my best friend from college did. He bragged about how he helped Joe Mauer do some homework.

Weed Against Speed said...

I didn't go to CDH either. My parents weren't rich enough, nor was I talented enough athletically anyway.

Cretin Derham-Hall has produced some great athletes: Chris Weinke, Joe Mauer and Paul Molitor, to name a few.

Basshole said...

Weinke played in 27 games, but only started 19 of them. It's hard to believe he even started in that many...

Suss & The Family Stone said...

They didn't fire him. They just fixed the glitch.

BeaverFever said...

bottom line: the guy lasted six seasons in the nfl, will collect his nfl pension, and still should be able to walk and wake up every morning with out fake knees due to the wear and tear of playing qb. who is going to tell me America isn't the greatest country the world has ever seen ? btw, i apologize for there being nothing funny here.

Grimey said...

+1 suss

Jimmy said...

"Became the first player to win the Heisman Trophy with erectile dysfunction"

Are you saying Weinke's winky is stinky?

Bulger in My Pants said...

Cretin Derham-Hall has produced some great athletes: Chris Weinke, Joe Mauer and Paul Molitor, to name a few.

The only notable athlete my high school produced got cut from the Tampa Bay Bucs after a road rage incident and later became the leading receiver for one Mr. Tommy Maddox for the world champion XFL Los Angeles Xtreme, BABY!

save the steagles said...

I may or may not have had posters of Chris Weinke on my wall in middle school. He was pretty cute with his helmet on.

Howie Feltersnatch said...

I didn't know that Corky from Life Goes On played football

Jess said...

Oh, Chris Weinke. He hit on me at a party at the University of Minnesota. I got the "Do you know who I am?" line from him.

Clint said...

mmp, if you're really from cleveland you should be way better than you are. you're about as funny as finding out you have cancer.

Crazy Little Thing said...

Became the first player to win the Heisman Trophy with erectile dysfunction.

Wait, do you mean he was the first player to have erectile dysfunction and win the Heisman, or do you mean he was the first player to employ erectile dysfunction in winning the Heisman?

DMtShooter said...

The gamblers of America are crying a little more tonight. First Art Shell, now Chris Weinke. I just don't know who to bet against anymore...

fallex said...

As a GT fan, Weinke's FSU career will always haunt/baffle me.

What was worse? Watching him break his 17-game losing streak (spanning like 5 years) against your pathetic-ass-Falcons on XMas Eve this past year. That's what.

wv:clntblws (I swear!)

Jordi said...

Absolute best play I have ever seen live was Weinke's ball-fake and 98-yard pass to Snoop Minnis against Clemson back in 2000. Here is a link to Weinke's glory days. Oh how I mourn. Chris Rix may you burn in hell.

Baseball Bookshelf said...

I vote Quincy Carter over Weinke for Bad Two-Sport Star. A crappy Cub minor leaguer as well as his illustrious Cowboy career.

Kyle Whitney said...

I vote Drew Henson as a worse two-sport star than Weinke, as well. I was talking to an old pro baseball scout tonight that scouted both and he said that Weinke was much better at baseball than Henson ever was.

ben said...

This is the guy who, after six years of minor league bus-riding and a four-year "college degree", admitted he had never read a book.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

What's really sad that out of all the FS QBs Teinke Weinke actually had the most successful pro career.

Son of Brasky said...

Damn you Weinke and damn you George Seiffert. Bastards.

Things are looking up for Weinke though. I hear the Buccaneers are still looking to fill the 6th string quarterback void on their depth chart.

David said...

Look, don't knock Chris Weinke. Whoever wrote this is obviously a struggling writer begging for editorial attention. This was not that big of a stroy at the time, since Hellen Keller could have seen his demise in the dark following his first season in the nfl with double the amount of turnovers as compared to touchdowns. Also, the fact of the matter is that Chris Weinke will always be more succesful and wealthy than you (Monday Morning Punter). Why is it that you must publish on blogspot.com....talk about the ultimate low point...you have found it chief. Next, Chris Weinke won a heisman and destroyed every team during the late 90's and 2000 (hence the national championship*){*This team included the highly touted Mike Vick}. If you don't believe me, why don't you ask some of the prominent players of that era, namely any defense in the 90's. Others comments on this blog also labeled Chris Weinke as the one FSU quaterback who didn't pan out in the pros...well, get your FSU football straight and look up the name Charlie Ward and tell me his numbers in the NFL. That is right, they aren't there because after claiming his heisman trophy in 93 he decided to not play in the NFL and go elswhere with his career. While you spend much of your time trashig Chris Weinke's age you must realize that he was playing at the higest level of Minor League baseball and serving time for our country in the Military. So, next time you want to talk trash about his age you should think about thanking him for his time in the military. Your comments about ED and going to school with Jesus are wrong and horrible attempts at humor in a below-par story about a topic nobody is even intersted in. I am almost ashamed of spending my time writing a response to this blog post but my shame is overwhelmed by my good feelings of burying the ignorance of others. Good luck with your writing and work in the field of technology.