Tuesday, March 13, 2007

KSK Off-Topic – Rick Majerus’ 10 Favorite Public Places To Masturbate


It’s tournament time, and thoughts of football are distant at best. But, if there’s one figure in basketball who perfectly embodies the football fan ethos, it is former Utah coach and ESPN analyst Rick Majerus. In a special KSK exclusive, Majerus offers you the fan some pointers about his favorite extracurricular activity.

I love basketball. Everyone knows that. But few people know that my true love is masturbating. There’s something so pure about masturbation, so self-contained. All you need is a hand, your cock, a couple free minutes, and an iron will. And, given a modicum of seclusion, you can do it anywhere! In fact, masturbating in public is easier than you think, and I’ll show you how! It’s so gratifying, and not just in a self-gratifying way. Having an orgasm in public makes you feel like you’re getting away with something, and you are! Plus, there’s always the possibility that someone is watching you, and man is that a turn-on. Here are some of my favorite public places to help myself to myself:

Public Bathroom: Okay, so this isn’t very creative. Everyone masturbates in the shitter at work. But there is some proper etiquette YOU need to be aware of. First, always jerk in the crippled stall. You get more room that way, and the crippled stall is usually farthest from the bathroom door, which gives you time should anyone walk in. If someone does walk in, you must STOP masturbating. It’s guy code. You can’t masturbate with another man present. That would make you queer. Unless you’re right at the end of your jerk, in which case feel free to have a disappointing, way-too-contained orgasm.

The Ocean: If you swim out far enough, you just look like another guy enjoying a leisurely dip in the water. But under the surface? Oh, it’s a whole different story! The trick is to find a sandbar. This way, you can masturbate without having to tread water. There’s no way I can do both! One bonus of masturbating in the ocean? No cleanup! Your seed disperses in a matter of minutes! I like watching it. I sort of feel like I'm giving back to the sea.

Car: Nothing breaks up a long road trip like busting a nut at Mile 200. But you can only masturbate on an open freeway. No traffic jam masturbating. That would be weird. And doing it in city traffic? Even weirder. No, you need a wide-open interstate if you’re gonna get the full roadie on. I like to play “Hot for Teacher” and think of the sexy video! Make sure you have tissues in the glove compartment. And please: automatic transmission drivers only!

Airplane Bathroom: “Occupado”? I’ll say! If I see a stewardess with a hemline that goes past mid-calf, I’m masturbating the second the Fasten Seat Belt sign blinks off. One problem: airplane bathrooms are small, and for big guys like me, that means maneuverability problems. Luckily, thanks to my basketball acumen, I know to keep a wide base. Beware turbulence! You may accidentally end up sticking your cock in the sanitary napkin disposal unit. And that's a turn-off.

Broadcast Booth: Tirico hates it when I do this. But sometimes you see Ashley Judd in the crowd and you do what you have to do. I managed to get Tirico to join in with me once, but that was about it. What a prude that guy is!

Department Store Fitting Room: The men’s fitting room at Bloomingdale’s is almost always barren. Plus you get the bonus of a full length mirror! I like to strip down naked, just me and “The Rick”. Again, bring tissues, or else you’ll have to use those Dockers you brought in to “try on”.

Public Park: There aren’t as many secluded woodland areas in a public park as you might think! My advice to avoid public parks and head straight for the woods. Leaning against a big tree gives you leverage, plus there are any number of leaves handy. Beware chipmunks. I learned the hard way!

Study Hall: You kids have it so easy. “Quiet time”? That’s prime jerking time! This stunt requires you to manipulate yourself through your trousers, which means you don’t ever get to touch your penis. Kinky! You really have to concentrate to make this work. Think real hard about Jenny Davenport two rows up, scoot real close to your desk, and stare at your textbook as hard you possibly can. You’ll have to fight through cramping, but it’s worth it. Also, you get no opportunity for cleanup here. So I hope you pre-masturbated before class. Otherwise, you risk the dreaded “wet spot”, plus potential “gluing” to the old Fruit of the Looms.

Health Club Steam Room: The steam gives you cover, plus the heat gets you worked up fast. If someone walks in, you can usually stop and hide your steam-on with little effort. But do be careful. I’ve passed out 5 times doing this. And there is no greater tragedy than an unfinished jerk.

On Stage At A Pep Rally: I don’t suggest this. Ralph Friedgen also tried it with poor results.

I'm sure Rick missed a few. (And I missed the Berea Public Library! Idiot!) Why not let him know in the comments after you've finished throwing up?

45 comments:

Happy Fun Miles said...

That's far and away the most disturbing, sick blog ya'all have posted yet.

VIVA!

So that's what the sticky stuff on Testudo is at Byrd Stadium... it's not Bird Poop, it's Ralph Friedgen's seed!

5150 said...

I jerked off in a commercial airliner during landing. Beat that!

FenwayFaithful78 said...

And I thought I knew a lot about men...this adds a whole new dimension.

Anyone feel like they needed to wash their hands after reading that post? icky...

The Intern said...

The key is the leg clench. If you're ever in a time pinch, the leg clench always hastens things.

Not that I would know...

Rob I said...

You could totally run a batch at one of them foam parties on Spring Break in Cancun. Four feet of foam provides excellent cover, unless you're seven foot tall. Or just get a handy from one of the 250 drunk and shameless sorority gals. Either/or.

BigRicks said...

the stewardess hem-line line was classic.

I don't suggest a bus bathroom, talk about a bumpy ride.

Burnsy said...

Perhaps another topic Pacman could have tackled.

Mike Stewart said...

Holy Shit! I thought I was the Jack Off Champion of the Universe! This dude has me "beat" by a mile! He sounds like a true "Master of Masturbation" and I salute him with my hand as well as my dong. God bless us all!

Dsanchez said...

I'm surprised Rick has seen "The Rick" in the last two decades.

Biggus Rickus said...

talk about a bumpy ride

Bumpy sends I nice tickle to the taint.

Weed Against Speed said...

Clint thinks this post is stupid.

I, on the other hand (no pun intended), think it's genius.

Bravo, BDD!!

Jackin'4Beats said...

You may accidentally end up sticking your cock in the sanitary napkin disposal unit. And that's a turn-off

Talk about a complete understatement...

I need to try and get those mental images out of my head now.

Thanks a lot Drew.

WV: sayzvamv. That's what she said.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

i can safely say i've done about 67% of these jerks.

my buddy once fired himself up on top of his roof, then jumped off and into the pool as he came. dude's a fuckin' genius.
spppprriittzer.

liquid_d said...

my suggestion would be on a rollercoaster, last seat only(or 1st if you like that kinda thing? Quite the rush.

Clutch247 said...

lol thats great dat roro

anyone ever choke it in a church confessional?.....what, someone had to throw it out there.

awsome post Drew, even though Majerus is a fucking awsome espn guy. Too bad i'll always assume he's beating off when he's calling a game, fuck.

Awful Chief said...

The lower level of the Verizon Center during a Mystics game is usually pretty empty, and that fundamentally sound womens' game really raises me to the rafters.

WastingCompanyTime6 said...

sick things go through your heads when there is no football. I'm disgusted.

yet I cannot look away...

The Navigator said...

liquid d: After you get off the rollercoaster, make sure to pick up your picture at the photo booth. I'm sure it'll be nothing short of hilarious.

Tim said...

Is this a checklist of "places we have wanked"?

count me in.

Iggy said...

Damn, pardon me while I go gouge out my mind's eye....

Happy Fun Miles said...

LiquidD

But what if you splooge as the Roller Coaster descends? Couldn't you get a big ol' load right in the face? Unappealing!

I wonder if any astronauts have ever attempted zero-gravity masturbation.

Signal to Noise said...

dsanchez beat me to it -- I'd be surprised if Majerus could even find his dick under all that mess.

Study hall wanking seems to require use of the Force.

mck35 said...

Oh come on, ive done most of those, except the fitting room at bloomingdales. Now ive got a new idea. By the way, what about a movie theatre? I guess Majerus can't fit his fat ass in the seat...

Chamomiles Davis said...

I prefer to do it in my own feces while reading Guns And Ammo. Usually I'll stop and think to myself, "Wow! It is amazing how fucking crazy I am!"

Tortfeasor said...

"anyone ever choke it in a church confessional?"

You mean besides 97% of all priests?

Whenever my old lady gets too bitchy for my taste, I rub one out in her conditioner bottle. Revenge is a dish best served cold...and sticky.

The Intern said...

The lower level of the Verizon Center during a Mystics game is usually pretty empty, and that fundamentally sound womens' game really raises me to the rafters.

Two questions:
1) Is nobody else is there, is it really in public?
2) Is it physically possible to get a boner when WNBAers are in the vicinity?

I say no and no.

liquid_d said...

Navigator: excellent call on the photo booth, i use my pics as my Christmas card.
Happy Fun: Timing is everything.

Walklett said...

Water parks are gold:

-log flume
-covered water slides
-the kiddie pool

Gavin said...

There is nothing better than picking a good shady corner at the dog pound and wacking it while they are putting puppies to sleep.

Redhead said...

tortfeasor:

On behalf of women everywhere - that's not funny.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I really have to stop opening the floodgates for commenters.

cinnamon girl said...

How about at a hair salon? You already have that big cape over you anyway. Just be sure to pick the right stylist for inspiration.

cinnamon girl said...

Like this:

http://www.maximonline.com/hotties/hottiesearch.aspx

keyword "hairstylist"

Billy said...

Q: What do you get when you hit a baby with a ball pean hammer?

A: A raging hard-on.

The Intern said...

I really have to stop opening the floodgates for commenters.

Pun intended?

devang said...

If you are sitting on the can jerking off and shit comes out, that's bad, right?

Mike said...

Outstanding work Drew. I mean Rick.

I've "hit" a few of the places Rick outlines, but not enough to earn a spot at his table. The Fat Man is still an artist with the Ricky Gun.

Anyway, kudos on the ocean-wank. While distracted to frustration by the lovely chicas on a family vacation to Puerto Rico when I was just a youngin, I swam out to the deep end of the lagoon. And if any Puerto Rican kid born in the mid-80s is unusually short, with Jewish features, my sincerest apologies.

Jordan Ginsberg said...

Not a public place, but the "Jim Abbott" is always a good test of hand-eye coordination. You tape up one hand, throw a baseball glove on it, jerk off with your good hand, and then just as you're about to finish, throw the ball glove on your jerk-off hand and try to catch the stream. Really good practice of the mechanics.

I guess you could do it in the bullpen, were you so inclined.

rar288 said...

Did the public bathroom, did the airplane bathroom, did the car, did the ocean, and pretty close to doing the health club steam room, for me it was in the sauna.

Sauna is fantastic because of the possibility of someone walking in and the possibility of passing out from dehydration. Sauna is best for a "quickie" cause if you stay there for too long there could be an unfinished jerk as BDD acknowledged.

BDD, genious when you said "giving back to the sea"

Ryan said...

jordan, David Cone has perfected that move without taping up one hand.

The Running of the Jews said...

Aren't we forgetting something?
A public library, perhaps?

micah said...

i sure hope carl monday doesn't get ahold of this...

cinnamon girl said...

the running of the jews:

too bad she isn't still working as a law librarian, huh?

eat it said...

I have always preferred to masturbate with a shaven cat, baby oil, and a copy of Oprah

Otto Man said...

And now, a rebuttal to Mr. Majerus.