Monday, March 12, 2007

Better Know a Draft Pick: Brady Quinn


Name: Brady Quinn -- he's like the anti-Reggie Cleveland! (you might remember him from Ron Borges' Reggie Cleveland All Stars)

Height: Taller than the average leprechaun
Weight: A bit light in the loafers

Urine Test: Trace amounts of diethylstilbestrol
Stool Sample: Semen swirled

Mainstream Comparison: Carson Palmer (neither could beat USC for different reasons)
KSK Comparison: Lance Bass

Who Wants Him: Unless the Lions or Browns reach big time the answer is...nobody. He'll get drafted by the team that says "Fuck, he's still here? I guess we have to take him."

Hobbies: Hair gel, 3-ways with his sister and AJ

Fav Movie: Roto Rooting Rudy Ruetigger (gay porn version of Rudy)

Fav Simpsons Ep/Nickname: Mr. Plow

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: Expect the full package...that gag reflex is normal

Immediate Impact: Even if he's not a great quarterback he's a lock to increase the league's "Abercrombie Quotient" by ten percent. That being said, he's no stranger to the league's up-and-coming Dipshit Consortium.

Down the Road: People like to think he could be the next Tom Brady--then again, I like to think I could be the next middleweight champion of the world. He could be the next Carson Palmer but he's probably the next Eli Manning.

37 comments:

911 said...

I'm fire bombing the berea compound if they draft him and pass on the half human half clydesdale: Calvin Johnson.
*Googles diethylstilbestrol*

Proinsias Cassidy said...

You're up early (late?), UM.

That stool sample shoold read: Santorum. Google it, if you are not readers of Savage Love. Almost as disgusting as the Peter King fantasy I posted last week...

This daylight-savings seems a bit too early.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Seeing that People cover always makes me laugh because I know someone who literally cried when she learned Lance Bass was gay. Uh, okay.

Brady's beard is a volleyball player. At Notre Dame. Cue the "uh, okay" again.

Real Men Eat Haggis said...

"Ron Borges' Reggie Cleveland All-Stars" - a Boston douchebag twin-killing.

Sweet

Hustler of Culture said...

Seriously, this has has Eric Crouch written all over him...

BeaverFever said...

just what the nfl needs, another gay quarterback.

goto11 said...

Seems like it would be easier for you to make a list of NFL players that you don't think are gay.

Burnsy said...

I'm pleased that we're going beyond the obvious "Medicine Woman" jokes.

David said...

UM what do you have against gay people......

save the steagles said...

He failed tolead the DCHS Shamrocks past the semi-finals his junior yeare and didn't even win a playoff game his senior year. The Rocks' one shot of glory and he couldn't take us to the promised land.

Redhead said...

How do you even know the name of the gay porn version of Rudy?

Monday Morning Punter said...

Steagles, maybe you should go cool your rocks at the Dublin Chiller.

FenwayFaithful78 said...

Tim Hardaway does not approve of this. No sir. Not one bit.

Ruthless Gravity said...

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat:

His sister is the favorite to win the Kentucky Derby?

Clutch247 said...

UM, I'm proud of u for not drawing comparisons to Ryan Leaf, because I could of swore after reading the first couple lines, a Ryan Leaf name drop was sure to come (although Eli Manning is bad enough) God Dam!

save the steagles said...

Oh Punter, you know I spent many a middle school night hanging at the Chiller. Friday Night Meltdown could ease all your worries back then.

Jordan Ginsberg said...

Oh, he'll be fine unless the NFL starts testing for amyl nitrate.

lieutenant winslow said...

Caveman was on the cover of People magazine? wait. what?

Weed Against Speed said...

lt. winslow: I don't think that's him. There is no way they would have used that white background for Caveman.

I kid, I kid.

Walklett said...

Haha.

Caveman = Lance Bass light

R2K said...

: )

Burnsy said...

What a slow day. Sad, really.

Ryan said...

Nothing to add except that my word verification was "suzckob".

BeaverFever said...

no one hits a homerun every time at bat. i think everyone still might be hungover from friday's posts

cinnamon girl said...

some of us are just still hungover from seven straight days of drinking - NOT GOOD. And by that I mean - GOOD!

MDT said...

Arseblog my arse, you guys got jobbed in the Bloggies.

Awful Chief said...

It's hard to think about football with the first legs of the CONCACAF Cup semis this week.

Unsilent Majority said...

the sad thing is that I can't tell if you're joking.

Clint said...

What a slow day. Sad, really.

You'll have that from a UM post. It'd be funny if we were in 7th grade again. His stuff is right there with laughing at fart sounds and playing the penis game.

Jordan Ginsberg said...

... and playing the penis game.

You're going to have to be way more specific than that.

Hrm. Actually, don't bother.

J.L. White said...

So, we have a guy who posts constantly on a blog he says he hates, and he plays "the penis game." I think that tells you everything you need to know about Clint.

lieutenant winslow said...

PEEEENISSSS!!

Awful Chief said...

UM, I was joking earlier but no more. I'll be honest, I'm going to include Fox Soccer Channel in my flipping Thursday night. If wanting to beat the shit out of the top Mexican team makes me a bad American, I don't want to be a good American.

Awful Chief said...

... and playing the penis game.

PEEEENISSSS!!

PEEEENISSSS!!

That was fucking sweet. I really missed out on a great game in 7th grade. And silly me just thought Clint was Catholic.

Rob I said...

PENIS MIGHTIER!!!!!!!

bleedjetgreen said...

When I see Brady Quinn, I think Rick Mirer more than Leaf or Eli. Leaf was a delightfully awful train wreck that constantly made headlines and Eli ... well, he's Eli...

Mirer just stunk like a stale fart. Nothing interesting about him at all.

David Carr, Ryan Leaf, Rick Mirer, Tim Coach, Akili Smith, Andre Ware.... Can we start a hall of fame for lame high first round pick QBs? I vote we call it the Todd Blackledge HOF. Who's with me?

Jackin'4Beats said...

I'm with you, but only if Gino Torretta can be #1 on that list. What a steaming pile of shit.