Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Better Know a Draft Pick: Amobi Okoye



Name: Amobi Okoye-not a Jew...yet

Height: He'd offer you a ride in his limo, but he's got to stretch his shit out. He's a tall drink of water, don't want to wrinkle anything.
Weight: 21.5 Stones

Urine Sample: Excellence
Stool Sample: Smells like Calvin Klein's Obsession...for Teeth Ass

Mainstream Comparison: Adewale Ogunleye (real original guys!)
KSK Comparison: Harold Wormser

Who Wants Him: ME! I think I'm developing a new man-crush.
Who Will Take Him: If he doesn't come willingly I will take him by force.

Hobbies: The same as any red-blooded 19 year old... Going to R rated movies without a parent or guardian, drinking, voting, tobacco products, renting cars, military service, making sexy time with 17 year-olds, and jury duty.
Favorite Food: The Souls of Black Folk...or was that his favorite book? My notes are a bit messy but the book makes a bit more sense.
Favorite Expression: Cellar door

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He started high school at the age of twelve because he was so fucking smart after moving from Nigeria (suck on that you racist internet trolls!) Then he played every game as a 16 year-old frosh at Louisville while taking on a course load that would make a Wyatt Sexton go off the deep end. He graduated at the age of 19 after 3.5 years making him the smartest person in the history of Kentucky not named Flubby, Mrs. Flubby, Lil' Gusflub, or Colonel Sanders.

Immediate Impact: Dick Vermeil thinks he'll be great as soon as he loses the diapers.

Down the Road: Because he's starting his career at such a young age he's going to hit free agency at the age of 24. Most guys sign that contract when they're 26 or 27. As long as he puts together a good career he's looking at a rookie contract and three big time veteran contracts. Hey Amobi, you're going to need a damn good (read: Jewish) agent. So, uh...challah at a brother!

Update: It looks like Dan Snyder is once again driving me to the ledge. Instead of drafting my boy Okoye he wants to trade for Lance Briggs. So who would you rather have on your team, the gifted, brilliant, young lineman or the guy who keeps threatening to initiate Operation Shutdown? All of these great linebackers from the U of A and we have to go after this douche? Why didn't we just keep Antonio Pierce? FUCK!

27 comments:

Otto Man said...

So, uh...challah at a brother!

Hey, hey! Ix-nay on the Ew-jay!

Brian said...

Love the Made reference, Ricky Slade.

flubby said...

In 19 years, Gusflub could be another NFL wunderkind, as long as he doesn't have any of my DNA.

Mike said...

Is he related to Christian Okoye?

If he becomes Jewish he'll be Mel Gibson's Nigerian Nightmare.

Unsilent Majority said...

Okoye is like Smith over there.

grungedave said...

wow... a Donnie Darko reference... which I guess makes sense. An obscure reference for an obscure future first round draft pick.

The Navigator said...

grungedave: its actually a JRR Tolkien reference. In Donnie Darko, they are referencing the JRR Tolkien quote.

Senor Beavis said...

Yeah, who needs Antonio Pierce when you can have ... (slams head in cellar door).

They were saying on the radio here in Chicago last night that Briggs is probably a Tampa-2 scheme guy anyway. Like Archuleta. (slams head in cellar door again).

Unsilent Majority said...

Sure am glad the Skins traded up for Rocky McIntosh. They treat him like a leper.

grungedave said...

hey, navigator - since the LOTR series and most Tolkien stuff is Kevin Spacey gay, I'd prefer to still think of it as a Donnie Darko reference...

Unsilent Majority said...

LOTR is Jim Cunningham gay.

Grimey said...

Just because you have a kiddie porn dungeon does not make you gay.

BeaverFever said...

some of the battle scenes from LOTR kick ass. LOTR a little geeky sure, but not gay.

Unsilent Majority said...

you must have missed the deleted scene where those stupid tree guys started fucking each other

BeaverFever said...

wow, i did miss the tree on tree gay scene. in that case, LOTR is gay.

grungedave said...

I'll leave it to Randal Graves to dissect the inherent gayness of LOTR.

Otto Man said...

I can't believe people are arguing over which is gayer -- a movie about Jake Gyllenhal's weepy teen angst or a movie about elven princesses and homoerotic hobbits.

Sorry, folks. Both have buried the needle on the gaydar.

DrDoom said...

i have a friend who also started high school at 12 he is getting his licesnse when his is a soph in high school. His nickname is darkness.

The Pirate Sloth said...

How is everyone missing the Revenge of The Nerds reference?

Tri Lambs!!!

Otto Man said...

Actually, the best reference in there is the Calvin Klein Obsession for Teeth. One of the greatest Simpsons episodes ever.

"Lisa, why must you turn my office into a house of lies?!"

Grimey said...

... a movie about Jake Gyllenhal's weepy teen angst...

It's not weepy teen angst. He's a fucking superhero.

And yes, I watched the director's commentary.

Unsilent Majority said...

go back to china, bitch.

Grimey said...

CHUT UP!!!

CSG said...

His weight should actually be expressed as "21 stone 7" (half stone is 7 pounds).

Unsilent Majority said...

I'm sorry, I don't speak English.

TrickDaddy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Walker said...

I was on the fence in this debate... but:
Sean Smith: Beer and p*ssy. That's all I need.
Ronald Fisher: We gotta find ourselves a Smurfette.
Sean Smith: Smurfette?
Ronald Fisher: Yeah, not some tight-ass Middlesex chick, right? Like this cute little blonde that will get down and dirty with the guys. Like Smurfette does.
Donnie: Smurfette doesn't f*ck.
Ronald Fisher: That's bullsh*t. Smurfette f*cks all the other Smurfs. Why do you think Papa Smurf made her? Because all the other Smurfs were getting too horny.