Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Cancer/Countercancer: NFL Free Agency

This week saw the announcement that two somewhat prominent political figures - one the unattractive harpy wife of the king of the trial lawyers and alsoran presidential candidates, the other a soulless repository of glib untruths -
are struggling with cancer. Elizabeth Edwards' breast cancer has returned and Tony Snow may have to put off the colon rollin' for a spell.


Oftentimes, KSK writers enjoy a delightfully inappropriate tweaking of current events, but, in general, we'd sooner delve into Andy Reid's urethra than the realm of politics, therefore we declined our initial impulse to chat up Snow and Edwards about chemo and dealing with personal tragedy in the public eye while still furthering the message of stupid people. And, naturally, football, the unflagging focus of our humble site.

No, we'd rather talk with the cancer, knowing full well how eager the supposed "disease" would be to cut through ther vast anti-polyp bias in the mainstream media.

Christmas Ape: Welcome, cancers.

Edwards' cancer: Glad to be here.

Snow's cancer: Hey buddy.

CA: Now, Edwards' cancer, as breast cancer, how equipped are you to discuss-

EC: Football? Plenty. Remember, breast cancer does affect men. Sure, it's fewer than one percent of all diagnosed cases, yet I dare you to explain away the fact that 50 percent of NFC East coaches are afflicted.

CA: I can't. Staggering. Point well made. Let's begin with a discussion of recent free agent activity. Okay, Chris Cooper to the Cardinals...

EC: Excellent in Breach.

SC: Masterful in Adaptation. Mediocre defensive lineman, however. And totally healthy, insofar as we know. Next.

CA: Marshall Faulk announced his retirement...

EC: Hope he starts smoking.

SC: Or standing in front of a radar gun.

CA: Thoughts on Pacman Jones?

EC: Sorry, we only have insight on actual, not clubhouse, cancer. His marked determination in spreading other forms of disease is admirable, however.

CA: Okay. Moving along. Ken Hamlin to the Cowboys...

SC: Is it irradiated ham? If so, superb signing.

CA: Not sure. Jason Fabini to the Redskins...

EC: The fundamental problem with big fat guys is, even though they're susceptible to contracting one of us, they're just as likely to keel over with heart failure.

SC: You go through all the trouble to get your pseudopod in the door and you're not even a direct cause of death. Very demoralizing.

CA: Still no cure, though.

SC: Yeah, that is nice, let me tell ya. But you never know when that cure might be coming down the pike. I'm just trying to kill as many humans as I can before that happens, then maybe settle down and kill a cat or something.

EC: That tainted pet food is a godsend, by the way.

CA: Alright, I think we've reached the end of our time here. Appreciate your taking your time out during this hectic period for you two.

EC: Always a pleasure, Ape. Be sure to always sit real close to your monitor when you're doing your blog thing. And carry your cell phone in your pants pockets at all times. Maybe play with some plutonium and drink lots of tap water.

CA: Uh, thanks.

32 comments:

Clutch247 said...

Haha, you really did it this time Ape...it's nice to see they view bone smuggling P.M. Jones as their role model.

Ruthless Gravity said...

Next week: Michael Vick's cocktail of STDs sit on the hot seat?

josh said...

take the question mark off of "in poor taste?" it is. and this site was built on bad taste. and rock n' roll.

Billy said...

I wish I could say this crossed a line, but I likely smeared it when I fell out of my chair laughing.

In that case, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

DrDoom said...

folowed by pacman jones' mental deamons.

Michael said...

Good interview, but I am eagerly waiting the interview with Charlie Weiss' stomach staple.


Or Bill Parcell's/Andy Reid's FUPAs

DrDoom said...

cahrlie weis stomach staple is not availible as it is swamped in work.

oh and how bout an interview with corey simons knee and its misterious ailment which is apparently a knee virus.

Michael said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michael said...

Very true about Weiss' staple.

Maybe KSK can get the interview rights to Joe Thiesman's inner monologue when he was told he was being replaced on MNF by Ron Jaworski.


Nahhh, stike that. That interview = dryer than a saltine

Burnsy said...

HPV can cause cervical cancer in women, but it does nothing to men. It's the coolest disease out there. Except for maybe feline AIDS.

devang said...

Sorry folks, this hits a little close to home, so I can't really say much.

I do look forward to other forms of depravity on KSK.

Unsilent Majority said...

My wife has feline AIDS!

Barry.Petchesky said...

This is the first post tagged with 'in poor taste?' Really?

BeaverFever said...

btw, if you can't get your hands on any plutonium you can always use some radium, thorium, or uranium.

BeaverFever said...

LCD screens do not emit any radiation. sit as close as you want.

Matty Blue said...

well, that did it. g'bye!

janie said...

I'm with you on this devang, for the same reason. Not cool guys.

Mike said...

Wow. A 14 week old blood sausage left in the sun all day would be in better taste than this post.

(Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

fallex said...

Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer, and I am the... the, uh... [aside] What cures cancer?
-Wiggum

Captain Caveman said...

Sorry folks, this hits a little close to home, so I can't really say much.

well, that did it. g'bye!

I'm with you on this devang, for the same reason. Not cool guys.

Oh, Christ. We ALL know somebody who died from cancer. Lighten up, Francis. It's just a deadly disease.

Unsilent Majority said...

you know what else is totally uncool?

cancer

Awful Chief said...

Chiggity check yourself.

Awful Chief said...

If we're not allowed to laugh, the cancer has already won.

devang said...

How about a Rudy Galindo or Magic Johnson HIV conversation?

Yes, I just pulled out my list of athletes with HIV and these 2 were the 11st 2 names on the list

devang said...

Lighten up, Francis

Call me Francis, I'll kill ya...

mamacita said...

@burnsy-- Yeah, but remember that time your pee burned? 'Cause I didn't feel a thing. Hahahaha

Burnsy said...

Touche. Well-played, Mamacita.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Ya know I have a real problem with this post and here is why: You can't "contract" cancer.

the butler said...

I heard that if your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer.

Oh, wait...I can't smack any of you from where I'm sitting.

Christmas Ape said...

I'm shocked no one quoted that Terrence and Philip gem:

"I wish you CANCER...of the head!"

Clutch247 said...

any of you touch my stuff, and i'll kill ya

Delayed said...

Check the address below for more information about cancer:

http://www.loranbase.com/idx/21/0/Cancer.html