Monday, March 19, 2007

Dear Peter King, Please Stop Baiting Us So Obviously

I stopped reading Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column not long after I posted a picture of his daughter on the Internet. After the Mary Beth fiasco, it just seemed wrong to keep up the annoying charade of paying attention to him.

And yet I have friends who email me all of his greatest hits. During this offseason he's panned The Departed for being needlessly violent and expressed surprise that Matt Damon plays the title character in Saving Private Ryan, which he waited nine years to see. Here are some gems from today's installment:

i. One of the best discoveries of midlife: St. Patrick's Day. Never thought I'd love Guinness, but it's pretty close to the perfect beer.

k. Just discovering the iPod, one of the great inventions of all time, and my one recent find was Norah Jones. What an incredible voice. Shows what a music dolt I am that I barely knew her.


It's times like this I really wish there were some sort of way to express in writing that I'm holding my face in my hands and shaking me head. Where does one even BEGIN to ridicule a jackass this clueless? He's doing this on purpose, right?

Anyway, let's avoid the obvious diatribe and standard ridicule. I hereby open up the polls for Things Peter King Might Think He Thinks About Non-Football Thoughts in the Future.

"Tried meatloaf the other night. Delicious."

"Got another email from Sergeant McCarthy in Iraq. He thinks the Rams have a chance this year. I met him once, so he's probably right."

"The other day I had trouble getting up the stairs."

"Finally saw The Godfather last weekend. Who knew Al Pacino was so good? I sure didn't expect to see Marlon Brando in the title role!"

"Turns out Bob Dylan has a son. Jakob Dylan plays for a band called 'the Wallflowers.' Must be an ironic name -- I can see them headlining some big concerts. I can't stop listening to 'One Headlight' on my iPod!"

"Have you seen Diane Keaton? What a looker!"

"Apparently the Red Sox spent a lot of money for this Jap fellow. Wait, I'm being told I'm not allowed to say 'Jap.' When did that happen? Crazy. Everyone's so sensitive these days. I blame video games and violence in movies for making things worse than they used to be."

"Just got off the phone with Jerome Bettis. He thinks Nate Clements is worth the money in San Francisco. Can't say I like San Francisco. Too many hills. I had some tremendous sodomy there, though."


I'd do more, but thinking about this clown makes my head hurt. I invite you to add your PK mental diarrhea in the comments.

79 comments:

goto11 said...

When did "bad" start meaning "good"? Kids these days...

Unsilent Majority said...

Water is a decidedly underrated beverage

mediapossum said...

I was recently in London and they had the Internet out there. Can you believe it? I guess that's why they call it the world wide web.

devang said...

CC you fucker. I'm not sure if my head's going to explode or I'm going to get fired.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

He's right though, the sodomy in San Fran IS tremendous

TattooedMess(iah) said...

Is it just me, or does the Flow-Bee give the perfect hair cut?

Got an e-mail from this Prince in Nigeria. He said he'd split his fortune with me if I sent him a check for $5,000. My friends said they'd heard of him before, so I figured "why not?".

Everyone seems to be raving about this "Microsoft" company, but I'll keep my IBM stock if it's all the same to you.

devang said...

Tom Brady sure is pretty

Sportszilla said...

I was stuck at JFK airport the other day because they were searching my luggage (apparently my exact replica of Brett Favre's dong looked like a bomb to the x-ray people) and I discovered this great new beverage...it's called coffee, I think, and you can put things like milk or sugar in it...or, if you're me, an entire chocolate cake.

PQ Crash said...

Kids today are fat, can I have another Venti Frappuchino with two dozen biscottis to go?

Jez said...

"The sodomy in San Fran is even better than this bread I tried there. I think it was called 'sourdough.'"

Mike said...

"So, after 23 years of marriage I found out about this 'pussy' thing. Battle-axe keeps it between her legs and, believe it or not, it feels pretty good to stick your thing in there.

I guess I'm getting old; I thought wives were only good for nagging, fixing the toilet when I clog it, and introducing me to cool leisure activities, like watching 'football' or drinking the occasional brewsky."

Big Daddy Drew said...

Five minutes with Walter Matthau is like 10 years in an Ivy League school!

Nope said...

"WE LANDED ON THE MOON!!!!"

My Insignificant Life said...

I heard that there is a basketball tourney going on - you know, I'm sticking with Duke winning it all -they always have a great team.

CP said...

I tried out this motorized carriage the other day. Apparently, the kids are calling it the "automobile!" Makes travelling much easier! What will they think of next??

becky said...

and the gay erotica starts in 5...4...3...2.......

Otto Man said...

Sounds like the gap between Peter King and Larry King is rapidly being reduced to nothing.

Jackin'4Beats said...

On my drive from Cherry Hill, NJ to Tampa the other day for Spring Training, I noticed that the speed limit was now 85mph on I-95. When the heck did they raise it from 55mph? I just thought all those kids were being mean for flipping me off as they sped around me.

Back in my day at Montclair State...

Big Scary Monster said...

They are apparently starting to call that big mysterious ball of fire in the sky "the Sun." And get this: its not going to fall on us at any second. Just goes to show how goofy I am when it comes to Science.

Redhead said...

BDD:

And Milton Berle is hung like an ox...as I learned in San Francisco.

My Insignificant Life said...

The earth is round? No f'n way - it's flat and if you sail to the edge, you may fall off!! Or get eaten by a sea monster while sailing.....

country blumpkin said...

"For my money, nothing helps me wake up in the morning like a cup of coffee and a long, hot shower. Miss either one and I'm not right for the rest of the day."

BeaverFever said...

President Kennedy was shot ? When did that happen ? And does anyone think the USA hockey team can upset the Soviets in Lake Placid ?

also, have you noticed that the sun feels really warm and that snow is cold ? Weird.

Bad Barbecue said...

I just realized you can make groups of words into "sentences" and thus into a "column" and someone will pay you for it regardless of the "column"'s relevance.

Mitch Kayak said...

Call me old fashioned, but I think we should worship the sun and moon as gods...and fear them.

goto11 said...

Where does Peter King end and Andy Rooney begin?

Communist Dan said...

Recently ran into this fellow named John Amaechi in Chicago who used to play in the NBA. He's such an articulate fellow, quite handsome, and a great dresser. Made me wonder how a gal hasn't snatched this guy up already.

ColeTrain said...

Wow, technology makes complicated things like photography a lot easier these days. I just bought my daughter one of those new "digital" cameras - and it is amazing how clear the pictures are. Good thing she only puts them on her computer, I wouldn't want too many people to see some of her more compromising shots.

Signal to Noise said...

This column I'm writing goes on something people are calling "the internet," and I'm telling you, it's great stuff. Seriously.

surt2k said...

Watching Tony Dungy walk through a busy Indiana Convention Center, I can't imagine Bono or K-Fed drawing a bigger crowd. Maybe Britney Spears. Maybe.*


*From an actual column.

Josh said...

Took a trip to NYC the other day, and dog my cats, those Twin Towers are GONE! Musta been a pretty exciting demolition, like when they levelled the Kingdome, but somehow nobody told me.

becky said...

mitch kayak-
great State reference. you now have my undying allegiance.

Big Jim Slade said...

Just got the entire first season of "Doogie Howser MD" on the new DVD format. Boy, when that Neil Patrick Harris grows up he'll be able to have any woman he wants.

Rob I said...

Stumbled across an interesting station while channel-surfing the other day. Food Network. Shows folks cooking and eating. Incredible what people will watch nowadays.

John said...

"Next time you get nostalgic for the Fourth of July, try this - ball your hands up into fists and rub them into your closed eyes. It's like your own private fireworks show."

J said...

I was going through my fridge in the basement and found some Crystal Pepsi - this stuff is great! I got to remember to pick some up next time I'm at the local food-mart.

devang said...

Recently discovered this pill that can make my penis work. Boy is Mrs. King happy

Burnsy said...

I feel like I'm watching a marathon of Norm MacDonald doing Larry King.

"If you only see one film the rest of your life it should be 'Mickey Blue Eyes'."

"Of all of the figures of the 20th Century one of the greatest has to be Robert Urich."

"The more I think about it, the more I appreciate the equator."

Mike said...

"I just tied an onion to my belt, which apparently is the style of the times."

J said...

burnsy:

"Does anybody remember baseball cards?"

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/99/99clarryking1.phtml

My Insignificant Life said...

There is nothing better than a $0.50 cup of coffee at my local diner. As much as I like coffee, I cannot ever imagine a coffee shop charging $5 for a cup of coffee. No one will ever pay that price. That’s like trying to sell water in a bottle – why pay for water when you can get it for free out of your sink?

Awful Chief said...

Either I'm getting bigger or these Ventis are getting smaller...god damn this key chain is big...if i ran Starbucks I'd open a special bathroom club for the wealthy...A big ball of frozen whipped butter on a waffle cone would just have to be good!...Tank Johnson is really missing out by not being in genpop.

Real Men Eat Haggis said...

"I was in LA last week and ducked into Starbucks for a vente half-cal frappuccino (my new favorite). Ran into this young man named Bill Simmons who told me he was a writer...quite a witty and engaging fellow, as well as an excellent sodomist. I hope he makes it big someday..."

GoreZombie said...

"Just received a wonderful bj from a young man in a powder blue Chargers jersey. Why they don't wear those for every game is beyond me."

smoothvanillapocketrocket said...

There's some guy in Iran or Iraq. Sodomy Hussein? Sounds like my kind of guy! I'll be keeping an eye on . . . what? We had him hanged?! Damn you Reagan!!!

Big Daddy Drew said...

Burnsy:

"Actor Kelsey Grammer, one class act!"

KillBillWirtz said...

Some website, Making Out With Someone or Other, apparently enjoys taking shots at me. Who knew I could be such a lynchpin for all that's wrong with the mainstream sports media? Well, at least ESPN isn't suffering the same problem.

josh said...

Turned on the talking box in the parlor and, by gum, there was a channel with sports on ALL DAY! Who were the ad wizards that came up with that one?

JMP said...

Turns out that when you cook your food instead of shoving it into your mouth raw, you don't have to spend the next 3 hours in the john counting tiles.

This is made possible by this wonderful invention called fire. I wonder if it has any other uses.

fallex said...

I just bought one of those Harry Connick laserdisc things, but when I put it on my hifi, it sounded like Nirvana.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Seems like someone over here at SI had this brilliant idea to...get this...stop writing about sports for an entire week to publish an ENTIRE ISSUE of women...in bikinis...posing provocatively. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!?!?!

I tell ya, somebody's head is gonna roll when the higher ups find out about these shenanigans.

fallex said...

My cat's breath smells like cat food.

Jackin'4Beats said...

fallex: your picture frightens me.

Otto Man said...

That might just be the greatest achievement in mulletry I've ever seen. And I grew up in the South.

rdg said...

My girlfriend's sleeping with another guy.

that's not me mocking Peter King, I'm pretty sure my girlfriend is sleeping with another guy.

that Larry King / Onion thing some girl who was smart enough to make her avatar who boobs because no one would care about her face posted up above was pretty damn funny.

MemphisRaines said...

"A friend just gave me a great tool for sticking things to the wall with spikes - it's like a club with a metal end. It works so much better than my forehead! Sadly, the brain damage I've already caused is irreversible."

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Just received word via "telegram" from young Sgt. Audie Murphy that this Mussolini guy might be worth keeping an eye on.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

RDG, you want to try that again in English?

fallex said...

rdg: I think BDD posted that. Focus.

j4b: thanks. it's what I like to picture your favorite racist commenter looks like.

otto: grew up in 'da souf,' too (sheltered within Atlanta's city limits however), and I was aghast when I saw it, thus I had to have it.

devang said...

From the Onion Larry King column: Kudos to the Jews and all the ways they entertain us

Kudos UM

becky said...

what fallex said.
and I'm pretty, dammit.
my mom says so.

Otto Man said...

I have a friend who works at CNN, and rumor has it that whenever "Larry King Live" goes to commercial break, Larry just sits there at the desk and makes loud old-man farts.

No apologies, no embarrassment. Just him letting them fly in front of Queen Noor or Angela Lansbury or whatever really important figure he has sitting across from him.

Bad Barbecue said...

"For what it's worth, I prefer the New Mexico over the original"

PANGER said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laser Rocket Arm said...

That Tony Romo has a really big penis. Sodomy is most excellent when Romo's behind your center, let me tell you.

J.L. White said...

You know, covering the professionall foot ball teams for my news rag teaches a fellow like myself a lot about this land. I use to assume, based on the amount of travel time it takes on the horseless carriage -- or "train" as the young-ins call it -- that these teams couldn't exsist beyond East Coast and cities like Chicago and St. Louis. But with this new-fangled "areoplane" doohickey, you can travel much farther. I was fascinated with this weird land called "See-at-el", as the natives call it, which is so wonderous and soggy. I tried to trade with the natives to obtain their mystical elixr they called "coffee" but they were to busy rooting for their very own foot ball team. Can you imagine that?

Babydaddy said...

One of the best discoveries of mid-morning: Guinness. Never thought I could write my column hammered at 10:04 am and nobody would notice the difference. Rocking "Free to Be You and Me" on my iPod Nano Nano. Whatever happened to that Mork kid? Hey, who peed my pants?

Ward said...

I recently bought this device where I can talk on the phone any where. It's called a "cellular telephone" and I think someday it could replace the car phone.

Communist Dan said...

Was supposed to have dinner with a ballplayer named Darryl Kile the other night, but he stood me up. Not the first time it's happened this past year. Kirby Puckett, Ken Caminiti, Harry Caray, and Walter Payton all were no shows too. Starting to think I need to hire a new secretary who's a bit more proficient with handling my appointments.

While on the subject of appointments, anybody else get annoyed when you make an appointment for the pediatrician and still end up having to wait twenty minutes before he can see you? In the end though, the lollipop and sticker make it worth the wait.

Robert said...

So I usually just defecate into a diaper and have the little lady clean up, but she was in Italy with her gal pals a while ago, and after a few nights I found this thing called a flush toliet. I'm probably way behind here, I'm sure most of you have heard of it, but let me tell you, it really controls the mess when all the shit that comes out of me either goes in the toliet or my column.

casserolemistake said...

I recently found out that women, if you can believe it, can vote in elections! What's next? The coloreds?

I went to a restaurant the other day and had what's called a "hamburger." It's a hot beef sandwich and it had catsup, onion, pickles and mustard on it. I don't know but the sign claims they've served over a billion of them! WOW!

Apparently the gays are having a little problem with something called GRID.

Elvis (Grbac?) is a musican and a pretty good one at that. Give a listen to "Hound Dog" and tell me what you think!

Well that's about all I'm going to get out of this Emerson No. 3 writing machine, take care folks!

peytonloveskenny said...

This Betamax thing is sure to catch on.

Foxxy Brown said...

Just found out "George Bush" has been President of the U.S. THREE times! I thought a guy only got to do it twice -- how'd this dude get away with this ?!

ruben398 said...

Actually, that was the least funny post Ive seen on KSK in awhile...

must be the offseason, isn't there some baskeball tournament going on???

Lol, who wants to be the first to call me a douche???

presidentdave said...

Douche

Jamie said...

I met with Drew Brees the other day... I am excited at the Saints secret tactic they plan to unveil. it may revilutionize the sport of Football, it is something known as the "Forward Pass".

Jess said...

"Thought Guinness was good? Well, I just discovered me some magical beverage called Zima. Never before did I feel more like a man."

Dsanchez said...

Saw this commercial last night for this great looking craftmatic adjustable bed. Man, that thing looks sweet

Visited the kids this weekend they had this crazy new Atari thing. I don't claim to know how to work it but it looks like fun.

Damian P. said...

"Some say these four scruffy guys from Liverpool, 'The Beetles,' are going to be huge. I don't buy it. Everyone knows guitar bands are on the way out."

"Anyone else agree that everything that could possibly be invented has already been invented?"

"A *Japanese* car? These sandal-wearing goldfish-herders? Posh! Blimshaw!"