Friday, March 9, 2007

Big Daddy Drew Answers All Of The Pussycat Dolls’ Questions


Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Honestly, none of you are all that attractive. Given how many good looking women live in the greater Los Angeles area, you’d think a group called the Pussycat Dolls would have greater amounts of pussy and dolls in it. You didn’t even have to know how to sing to make the group, so I don’t know why you consist of a low-rent Jessica Simpson, a low-rent Gwen Stefani, a low-rent Tori Amos (who is available at rent-controlled prices anyway), a low-rent Rose McGowan, and two low-rent Eva Longorias.

And where are the breasts? And why are you all wearing dark nail polish? Dark nail polish looks like dogshit. This whole thing is just depressing. The fucking Fantanas outclass you ladies. All of you are buried under so much foundation, for all I know you could look like Rocky Dennis when you get out of bed in the morning. So my firm answer is no.

Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

Eh, maybe. Being wild in bed is an attractive option. But I know damn well you only became a freak because your father ignored you and now you have so much emotional baggage and insecurity that even something as simple as choosing something off a Chinese restaurant menu probably gives you a nervous breakdown. So, even if you are willing to have sex while hanging from the rafters, I again say no.

Don’t cha?

Again, no.

Don’t cha?

Jesus, didn’t you hear me the first two times?

Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?

What does that even mean?

Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?

A woman who declares herself as "fun" never is.

Don’t cha?

Again, fuck and no.

Don’t cha?

God dammit, just leave me the fuck alone.

Listen, Cats, here are Denver Bronco cheerleaders April and Stephanie. They outclass you in every way. Maybe you can learn a thing or two from them. Ladies…

54 comments:

I rape red sox fans said...

raw = open sores

rdg said...

i'm sorry, but I thought the Fantanas were hot and I definitely wanna.

lieutenant winslow said...

uh, Drew...

I'd really appreciate it if you didn't talk about my harem of ladyfriends like that.

Otto Man said...

The Fantanas also have a less annoying song.

Christmas Ape said...

The Fantanas, though suggestive of field reporter Brian Fantana, are actually pushing a shitty citrus soda I wouldn't even take over Orangina. And I've never seen any the other flavor of Fanta anywhere, not that I have designs on buying them upon discovery.

Wanna Fanta?
No.
Don'cha wanna Fanta?
*sigh* No.
You wanna?
*sound of gun racking*

Captain Caveman said...

I love Orangina. Great for hangovers.

lieutenant winslow said...

maybe being wild in bed is an attractive option.

maybe? Drew, you know i freaking worship you & all...

but until you name a more enjoyable way to spend an evening that doing blow off one of those girls' ass cheeks while her friend waits for you to finish so that SHE can do blow off that girls' ass cheek, well... i am afraid i am going to have to respectfully disagree with you on this one.

The Intern said...

That redhead has to be a tranny.

Otto Man said...

I love Orangina. Great for hangovers.

I believe they like to be referred to as "redheads."

Unsilent Majority said...

vagina > orangina

but not by as much as you might think

Dat RoRo Kid said...

Drew, how can you be alternately prude and immorally lascivious from one day to the next...how?

NEVER trust a big butt and a smile.

Signal to Noise said...

That low-rent Gwen Stefani is more like cheap-squat Pink.

As for April and Stephanie: I'd like to see how hard they buck.

BeaverFever said...

BDD, i'm usually with you on all of your posts, but not this time. i dig these chicks for some reason. maybe it is all that trashy lingerie they usually wear.

and i agree with CC. orangina is the shit for hangovers. we had a soda machine in our frat house stocked with orangina and for $0.35 you could get one. plus, it ends in -gina like vagina.

Rob I said...

April and Stephanie are reclining on a giant stone coin from the South Pacific state of Yap.

"On the outer islands of Yap, Western clothing is banned and men and women are required to go shirtless at all times. On the main island, also called Yap, the entire population is required to go topless on certain days of the year to celebrate traditions."

April and Stephanie, Yap demands you go topless to celebrate tradition!

Burnsy said...

What happened to Baby Spice?

Otto Man said...

Believe it or not, but Baby Spice is now scorchingly hot.

The Navigator said...

The lead singer (the only one that sings as far as I know) is definitely hot and possesses a modest amount of vocal talent. In my book, this puts her on equal footing with the talent-less Eva Longoria.

Though I must say, Eva has a talented, talented ass.

Burnsy said...

God bless her soul. I guess you can call me Pedophile Spice.

Ryan said...

Whew...and I thought there weren't going to be any football references in this post.

WastingCompanyTime6 said...

There isn't a chick in that picture that I wouldn't be willing to crawl over broken glass to sleep with

Ruthless Gravity said...

I love Orangina. Great for hangovers

Add a lil vodka and its good for inducing them too.

Basshole said...

A woman who declares herself as "fun" never is.

Truer words have never been spoken.

Jamie Mottram said...

Rocky Dennis? Really? That's tremendous. Now all we need is a Gar reference and we're complete.

Billy said...

I love Orangina. Great for hangovers

Add a lil vodka and its good for inducing them too.


I say Vodka can go both ways on this front.

FenwayFaithful78 said...

THAT'S Babyspice?! Shit- there's hope for me yet.

The PCD are awful. Just plain awful. As a woman I'm insulted they get to invade my radio waves.

I vote for orange drink at McD's for hangovers. God bless what ever it's made of.

FenwayFaithful78 said...

Oh and I'm keepin an eye on you "I rape red sox fans"!!!

what the hell kind of name is that!?

Juan Salsa said...

hell- those aren't even close to the hottest Bronco cheerleaders.

Patrick said...

Borat introducing the Pussycat Dolls at the MTV European Video Music Awards last year:

"Please welcome the international singing prostitutes, Pussycat Dolls"

Sisto said...

Not to mention they dress like 5 little girls who got into their mom's closet while she wasn't looking. Or color-blind whores.

Mike said...

Believe it or not, but Baby Spice is now scorchingly hot.

Goddamn! How'd that happen?

Ruthless Gravity said...

A woman who declares herself as "fun" never is.

A woman who declares herself as [any positive adjective] never is.

Grimey said...

As for April and Stephanie: I'd like to see how hard they buck.

Those girls have names???

becky said...

Scattered ass Friday or not, fuck you very much Drew, for getting that horrific fucking song stuck in my fucking head, you fucking fuck. Fuck.

BigRicks said...

C'mon, you guys are telling me that you couldn't see Baby Spice being 5-alarm hot in ten years...ten years ago?

The "Don't force your hotness on me" tag is undoubtedly the least used tag in the history of the sports blogosphere.

Big Daddy Drew said...

You single gentleman don't seem to understand that us married men are allowed to be insanely picky when it comes to fantasizing about other women. That's all we have, so there's no reason not to aim for the tippy top.

It'll happen to YOU one day, too.

Mike said...

Preach on, Drew. These clowns think they'll be getting more pussy once they're married.

(Or that they'll even want more.)

BigRicks said...

BDD, your point is valid, but us poor engaged sons of bitches are straddling the line though. Therefore, we reserve the right to be both picky and willing to punish the next slam whore who walks through the saloon doors.

BeaverFever said...

i'm a married man , but still fanatsize like a 16 yr old.

Burnsy said...

As long as there are 18-year old sorority girls, I won't be getting married any time soon.

Otto Man said...

i'm a married man , but still fanatsize like a 16 yr old.

Don't we all? I had it written into my vows.

Awful Chief said...

So that's who the Pussycat Dolls are. They sing that crappy song.

Grimey said...

Wow... this thread just became eerily like Rules of Engagement. Cue David Spade in a god-awful shirt.

cinnamon girl said...

Billy - I agree with your take on vodka. It can go both ways. Nothin' like a little hair of the dog to pull you out of it.

And BDD: I resent the dark nail polish implication.

Bulger in My Pants said...

A woman who declares herself as "fun" never is.

Truer words have never been spoken.


Fuck you guys, I'm fun. And I've got big boobs, so I've got two things going for me. Well, three... technically.

Awful Chief said...

A woman who declares herself as "fun" never is.

A woman who declares herself as [any positive adjective] never is.


There is one kind of positive that I would always take her word on.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Big boobs are ALWAYS fun. Come here let me fondle them...

And what the hell is juice? Give me some DRINK maaan. I want grape...it's purple...

Smello said...

fenwayfaithful - you are so right. McDonald's Orange Hi-C is the elixir of the Gods. Well, at least it is after a night of drinking the real elixir of the Gods. That being beer.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Not only is it a crappy song, it was also used in a commercial for crappy beer. And now it's stuck in my head. Fuck you very much.

grungedave said...

On a more serious note... Drew and Caveman knocked some shit out of the park with today's postings. F'n awesome. Congrats, guys.

devang said...

I'm fun. And I've got big boobs

prove it

Signal to Noise said...

awful chief: +1

I wanted to see Baby and Ginger Spice in a double team back in the 90s. It's nice to know Baby Spice got even hotter (although Ginger probably sags like hell now.)

Donald said...

Well, omar, thanks so much for sharing your fucking spam with us.

Dipshit.

Grim Reaper said...

So, I got my "sex-cannon" t-shirt the other day. I proudly wear it out to the bar tonight. Giant hit. Everyone was asking me what Kissing Suzy Kolber was. Explained it was the best site on the net.

Walklett said...

raw = smells like tuna