KSK Off-Topic: Lashing Out at Our Readers Because We Hurt the Ones We Love
Back in February, several astute readers noted that I never chronicled my tales of debauchery at the Penthouse party. I did this on purpose, even though I was photographed with a scantily clad Penthouse Pet. You know why?
Because fuck you, that's why.
I'm cool with being lampooned, and I have the ability to laugh at myself, but the scrutiny of anonymous strangers was reaching preposterous levels. What's with his hair? I don't like his shirt. I can't believe he's wearing jeans with a blazer. I can't believe he's wearing a tee shirt with a blazer. And the overwhelming favorite for ridiculously obvious statement: some variation of He's so pale!
Fuck you twice. My blood is German, Scandinavian, and English. I apologize that my ancestry has no Mediterranean, eastern European, Jewish, African, or native American influences. I come from a long line of Aryan racists, you see.
I actually used to be tan. When was that? My memory's not so good. Oh yeah: when I was defending your freedom. I spent four months living outside in a desert, sleeping on top of a tank, occasionally getting shot at, and spending most of my down time waving flies away and trying to get sand out of my teeth. I was really tan then.
By the way: you're welcome, you lazy fucks.
And now I live in New York City. It was both a business and a lifestyle decision. After living on a Marine base in the middle of nowhere in the Mojave Desert for three years and three months (note: tan that entire time), I wanted the exact opposite of that experience. Also, as an aspiring writer, it made sense to live in the city that houses every major publishing house in the country.
But hey, guess what? Yesterday it was 13 degrees. You'll forgive me if I didn't make it to the tanning salon.
Anyway, this has all just been a long introduction to show you this sure-to-be-classic photo from yesterday's Varsity Letters reading. I'd like to offer my sincerest thanks to all the great people who packed the joint to listen to a couple sports bloggers read. This is me offering a serious discussion of bukkake while Will Leitch looks on in terror.
Don't like my shirt? Fuck off. You know, in case I didn't make that clear.
Clear, like my skin. Har fucking har.
116 comments:
Why can't you be as nice as that young man in Walter Reed?
I was there. Good to meet you though you'd have no idea we did. Good readings all around...I especially liked Will's dictionary piece (Stu Scott DID ruin that otherwise pleasurable experience of flipping the pillow)...Shanoff was a treat, too. By the way, that Fresh Prince piece had me singing the theme song all morning while I took a shit before work. Thanks for that. Really.
You tell 'em, CC!
At least you were tan once. My Irish ass only fluctuates from ghost white to lobster red. You could have it worse.
i think i asked the question that you're answering here, actually. Will looks like he shit himself.
CC fought in Iraq? That's the first I've heard of it.
Caption contest!
"Now THIS is how you paw a breast."
careful Drew, if Casper here defended our country with half the zeal he defends his milky-white complexion then he earned the hell out of that medal
Sounds like somebody has a case of the Thursdays.
It also sounds like someone needs their ego stroked.
CC, thank you for taking my place as a bullet magnet in one of the most god-forsake places on the planet. I make no secret about being a colossal pussy boy and would shit my pants incessantly if shot at.
I hoist my PB sandwich in your honor, sir.
"White power... realllllllllllllly white power."
"Words...are like bullets."
Yes, I was able to get completely shitfaced at HE last night and still see the ridiculous South Park anyway.
Well done, sirs.
You know, I was thinking...it really looks like Will has been working out pretty hardcore these days...those are some gunz.
CC, I believe I am at least as pale if not paler than you.
And striped shirts are hot. I'm finding it hard to contain myself.
Look at my striped shirt!
Maybe the picture is deceiving but Leitch has a set of guns on him. Never would have known that under his many suit jackets.
Dammit Becky, stop overshadowing my latent homosexuality.
Absolutely, Maybe.
Did Will get that shirt at Simon Cowell's Black V-Neck T-Shirt Warehouse?
CC fought in Iraq? That's the first I've heard of it.
I didn't have the balls to go there, but I'm glad BDD did.
"And to my left, you'll notice my bodyguard, who strongly disapproves of having his picture taken."
Look at my striped shirt!
Did you play Golden Tee, drink some Jager bombs, grind on girls' asses and call the valet "champ" whilst wearing it?
See my vest?
I didn't have the balls to go there, but I'm glad BDD did.
Lotta irony in that statement. A whole lot.
I guess plunging necklines really are all the rage these days in New York.
Lotta irony in that statement. A whole lot.
Thanks. I was worried it was too subtle.
Tanning: not easy enough for a Caveman to do it.
(Disclaimer: Neither can I.)
I'm so pissed i missed out on the discussions last nite. I'm glad I didn't get to experience Will shitting his pants or farting the alphabet as it looks like he's doin in that pic.
p.s. Dont worry CC, I respect you dude, except for the whole you telling me to go fuck myself and calling me a lazy fuck part.
sounds like somebody is a little self conscious about their vitamin d deficiency
oh yeah and...
niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice striped shirt
I'm waiting for The Big O to denounce you for being so overwhelmingly white.
Hey, I'm Canadian -- I'm a lazy pacifist *and* I have a vitamin deficiency. Where's my parade?
I don't tan, I burn, so I get the response.
weed - Will is getting ready to tell various speakers that "it was the worst performance I've ever seen. Just leave."
I like pale and I like striped shirts. Hot.
I can't believe he's wearing a blazer.
Sorry. I can resist anything, except temptation.
You are the Walter Sobchak of your generation.
Shomer fucking shabbos.
I appreciate febwayfaithful carrying the torch of the pussy basket.
Writer Ufford should get on with composing "Ode on a Pussy Basket." Keats is dead. He won't care.
Perhaps if you wore the uniform & carried the gun around, there'd be less mocking & more thanking. I know it would certainly make me more inclined to be generous in my...thanks.
Oh, and because the boys always get to do it -- yes & yes.
Writer Ufford should get on with composing "Ode on a Pussy Basket."
Actually, "O.D. on a Pussy Basket" would be even better. Hunter S. Thompson's dead too.
Don't worry CC, I'm equally pale and I'd totally be willing to create the supreme Aryan race with you.
I made you batman damn it!
ummm...? who let more hot girls onto this site??? WHO?!
wow the cleavage shots on the avatars are getting out of control...I feel like I need to change mine to keep up w/ all the fabulous big-breastedness. but I won't, cuz I'm shy :)
You crackers crack me up, with your inability to stay tanned....
I, for one, thought CC's shirt was the hotness:
http://deadon.wordpress.com/2007/03/08/we-got-drunk-with-deadspin/
Seriously...Mandy is bodacious. Nice rack, Mandzzzzzz. I mean that respectfully and shit.
Oh, Oh I got one. Your complexion looks like the Crow character
Face it CC, you just put up your picture to pick up the female posters on this site.
"This is how big the Spain Train's tits were"
ok who's setting up the bracket for KSK/Deadspin Commenter Boobs
I have to say, though, that at some point I realized I was TOTALLY SURROUNDED by dorks last night. I mean, the dork quotient was at around 98%, easily. If I had a time machine that would take me to the past and I was able to tell all of you dorks that this thing 'blogging' might actually get you some pussy one day....well, you all would have blown milk out of your nose.
I'd totally be willing to create the supreme Aryan race with you.
I know when I'm not wanted.
So, when are you telling us about the penthouse party? And thanks for fighting for my right to buy cheap gas. Oh, you're white.
I come from a long line of Aryan racists, you see
I didn't know that C_ _ _ t and CC was the same person!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Ok, I'm over it. And I get more Pussy Basket than you do so take that you New Yorker!!
HA
CC - thanks for going to Iraq so that we didn't have to.
I know when I'm not wanted.
I don't think jewfros are her thing
I don't think jewfros are her thing
You'd think fellow Steelers fans would be. Guuuhhhhh.
Is it me or does the Captain almost look like Foetus head in that picture?
Maybe I'm just stoned.
Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I'm coming home with some pussy tonight!
Leitch looks like he's in pain. Maybe this will help.
Maybe I'm just stoned.
I'll be there in ten minutes
Well, I think that answers the "Did he get laid last night?" question.
Actually, I thought you looked pretty good last night.
Aaaaand, I think THAT answers the "Will he get laid tonight?" question.
j4b: Maybe I'm just stoned.
UM: I'll be there in ten minutes
Chamomiles Davis: Right behind you.
There were a lot of guys there that night and I'm pretty sure there were no more than ten ladies in the room. And from what I could see, there were no more than 2 good looking woman. One was sitting in a booth drinking wine with her friend, and an Asian one who came in with Henry Abbott's wife.
In the words of Omar, from 'The Wire': Indeed.
Yea, that Asian one was pretty hot. I was sitting with this cute Asian girl as well but she's on the tiny side and just a friend.
Definitely lots of softball player types there...Didn't see much talent from where I was sitting.
ahem!
I am deeply offended in case you couldn't tell.
j4b: Maybe I'm just stoned.
UM: I'll be there in ten minutes
Chamomiles Davis: Right behind you.
Catching a cab now...anyone want pizza?
Shoot, I do you.
But then my husband's been in Iraq for six months.
"Dave Foley does not approve of Matt Skiba's membership in the Church of Satan"
sorry, becks...didn't see ya and all i know your pic by is a t-shirt that proclaims your self-admiration for being awesome!...(though that referee outfit pic you used to have up was tops, girl)
no worries, I'm sorry I did not get to meet you though
+1 to killbill for KSK's first-ever Alkaline Trio reference.
"Catching a cab now...anyone want pizza?"
That question better be rhetorical
wait...there's a band that named themselves after Al Kaline?
That's amazing.
Captain Caveman,
I SALUTE YOU.
I too served, lived in the dirty place we lovingly refer to as 29 stumps.
What the fuck is up with some people?
Anyway. Thanks for serving.
I never got shot at, but it wasn't because I didn't try.
0811 2/14 Fox Battery
1982-88
becky, where were you sitting?
don't be sorry..check yr blog comments.
hold on, let me get some tissues.
That would make Henry Abbott a slimmed down Dan Andriano.
j4b: Maybe I'm just stoned.
UM: I'll be there in ten minutes
Chamomiles Davis: Right behind you.
Catching a cab now...anyone want pizza?
Unitard: Oh... man... CC's shirt has so many colors it fucking blew my mind! Mr. T is colored, too. I love that guy, man. He's all jingle jangly and they always have to knock his ass out because he's scared to fly... Oh fuck, man... where's my wallet?! Fuck! Did I leave it at... Oh.. here it is in my pocket. Whoa.
God, where's Clint when you need some total fucking ASSHOLE attitude on this comments thread?
j4b: Maybe I'm just stoned.
UM: I'll be there in ten minutes
Chamomiles Davis: Right behind you.
STN: Catching a cab now...anyone want pizza?
Of course, it was rhetorical. The better question is, what kind? Oh wait... that's rhetorical too.
I've got a big fat fuckin' bone to pick with the IRS. Fuckers.
end of the bar, ryan. it's ok though, you're not actually required to think I'm hot.
I think I may have an idea who Clint or "Clit" as he is affectionately known as, really is.
I'm pretty sure I went to high school with him. While in high school my good friend Dean (gay) informed me that Clint gave terrible blowjobs and the worst part about the whole experience was Clint forgot to cup the balls at the end.
I mean if my woman forgot to cup the balls....Wow.
Defending our freedoms? In a war we started?
Why, gee. Thanks buddy!
Apologies if it's already been sung (88 freakin' posts!) but:
It's not eaz-aaaay bein' whiiiite...
That question better be rhetorical
It is, about as much as the pizza, but the real question is whether I need to pick up Chinese too.
Come on this is a humor site. Please take your fuckin' politics to the Kos or Fox.
jock- i'm pretty sure they don't consult the soldiers on what war they fight. otherwise the navy would have invaded bermuda by now
Big Jim Slade is saying some things that whitey's just not ready to hear.
Won't...stop...posting...till we...reach...100...
Speaking of our favorite GIMP (aka Clit). Just realized that my post to his website last night solidifying my ownership of his sorry excuse for a soul was removed. So not only is he an asshole, he is a sore loser too.
Or maybe he's just got a sore asshole.
Hmmm...
STN: Go ahead. I like beef with broccoli.
98
Judging by Will's facial expression, I'd guess that Chris Berman was in the crowd.
100?
ding ding ding. Ryan's the winner!!
I think this post had more comments than BDD's skewering of Simmons
Speaking of dongs, does anyone know a good term for an uncircumcised penis besides "pig in a blanket?"
Caption contest?
"Okay, now when I say, "Es ist Zeit für Rache!" you respond, "Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!"
it's green beer day here in oxford. all i have to say is "yes" and "yes". i love those who are fair and protect my freedom. and green beer. yay miami! yay freedom!
If you can suntan atop a tank, you can suntan anywhere.
go look up some blogs about tinsley mortimer. it always makes me feel better. gawker's is particularly good.
Hey nice striped shirt!
Leitch clearly dissaproves of what you are saying... and just to clarify nice waxed hair under sexy striped shirt.
Love it! And as a fellow eggshell-tinted human, winter really blows. I can't wait to glow red during the 90 degree humidity.
Pete Doherty and Simon Cowell?
Caption Contest: "I will now demonstrate the proper use of a giant foam finger...ladies."
good lord that was bitter
Caption Contest:
"So you take your right hand and place it ever so softly on the top of her head and push down gently until she's assumed the proper position...what, uh nevermind."
Too bad they didn't blow your legs off.
j4b: Maybe I'm just stoned.
UM: I'll be there in ten minutes
Chamomiles Davis: Right behind you.
STN:Catching a cab now...anyone want pizza?
Unitard: Oh... man... CC's shirt has so many colors it fucking blew my mind! Mr. T is colored, too. I love that guy, man. He's all jingle jangly and they always have to knock his ass out because he's scared to fly... Oh fuck, man... where's my wallet?! Fuck! Did I leave it at... Oh.. here it is in my pocket. Whoa.
I got my bowl, can i have the roach?
Top 5 other things Ufford could have been describing as this photo was taken:
5. "Throw me the ball! I'm open!"
4. "When collecting on a slapbet, proper wind-up is key. I will now demonstrate this on my assistant here."
3. "When we finished in Fallujah, the bodies were stacked this high."
2. "No, I've never seen a Filipino whore that tall."
1. "I have to raise my and AND look at you to get another drink?"
Does Will shave his arms?
Didn't get a chance to drop you a note yesterday, Matt, but it was a pleasure putting a face with a writing style:)
Does Will wax?
Caption contest:
"I, Caveman, do solemnly swear, to only wear shirts with vertical stripe patterns, never horizontal, because they are not as slimming. I vow to always glow like a light bulb, and never remove this blazer."
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