Thursday, March 8, 2007

KSK Off-Topic: Lashing Out at Our Readers Because We Hurt the Ones We Love

Back in February, several astute readers noted that I never chronicled my tales of debauchery at the Penthouse party. I did this on purpose, even though I was photographed with a scantily clad Penthouse Pet. You know why?

Because fuck you, that's why.

I'm cool with being lampooned, and I have the ability to laugh at myself, but the scrutiny of anonymous strangers was reaching preposterous levels. What's with his hair? I don't like his shirt. I can't believe he's wearing jeans with a blazer. I can't believe he's wearing a tee shirt with a blazer. And the overwhelming favorite for ridiculously obvious statement: some variation of He's so pale!

Fuck you twice. My blood is German, Scandinavian, and English. I apologize that my ancestry has no Mediterranean, eastern European, Jewish, African, or native American influences. I come from a long line of Aryan racists, you see.

I actually used to be tan. When was that? My memory's not so good. Oh yeah: when I was defending your freedom. I spent four months living outside in a desert, sleeping on top of a tank, occasionally getting shot at, and spending most of my down time waving flies away and trying to get sand out of my teeth. I was really tan then.

By the way: you're welcome, you lazy fucks.

And now I live in New York City. It was both a business and a lifestyle decision. After living on a Marine base in the middle of nowhere in the Mojave Desert for three years and three months (note: tan that entire time), I wanted the exact opposite of that experience. Also, as an aspiring writer, it made sense to live in the city that houses every major publishing house in the country.

But hey, guess what? Yesterday it was 13 degrees. You'll forgive me if I didn't make it to the tanning salon.

Anyway, this has all just been a long introduction to show you this sure-to-be-classic photo from yesterday's Varsity Letters reading. I'd like to offer my sincerest thanks to all the great people who packed the joint to listen to a couple sports bloggers read. This is me offering a serious discussion of bukkake while Will Leitch looks on in terror.


Don't like my shirt? Fuck off. You know, in case I didn't make that clear.

Clear, like my skin. Har fucking har.

122 comments:

flubby said...

Why can't you be as nice as that young man in Walter Reed?

Dat RoRo Kid said...

I was there. Good to meet you though you'd have no idea we did. Good readings all around...I especially liked Will's dictionary piece (Stu Scott DID ruin that otherwise pleasurable experience of flipping the pillow)...Shanoff was a treat, too. By the way, that Fresh Prince piece had me singing the theme song all morning while I took a shit before work. Thanks for that. Really.

Weed Against Speed said...

You tell 'em, CC!

The Navigator said...

At least you were tan once. My Irish ass only fluctuates from ghost white to lobster red. You could have it worse.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

i think i asked the question that you're answering here, actually. Will looks like he shit himself.

Big Daddy Drew said...

CC fought in Iraq? That's the first I've heard of it.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Caption contest!

"Now THIS is how you paw a breast."

flubby said...

careful Drew, if Casper here defended our country with half the zeal he defends his milky-white complexion then he earned the hell out of that medal

Happy Fun Miles said...

Sounds like somebody has a case of the Thursdays.

It also sounds like someone needs their ego stroked.

CC, thank you for taking my place as a bullet magnet in one of the most god-forsake places on the planet. I make no secret about being a colossal pussy boy and would shit my pants incessantly if shot at.

I hoist my PB sandwich in your honor, sir.

Burnsy said...

"White power... realllllllllllllly white power."

becky said...

"Words...are like bullets."

Yes, I was able to get completely shitfaced at HE last night and still see the ridiculous South Park anyway.

Well done, sirs.

You know, I was thinking...it really looks like Will has been working out pretty hardcore these days...those are some gunz.

Bulger in My Pants said...

CC, I believe I am at least as pale if not paler than you.

And striped shirts are hot. I'm finding it hard to contain myself.

Captain Caveman said...

Look at my striped shirt!

Rob I said...

Maybe the picture is deceiving but Leitch has a set of guns on him. Never would have known that under his many suit jackets.

Rob I said...

Dammit Becky, stop overshadowing my latent homosexuality.

Nastinchka said...

Absolutely, Maybe.

Weed Against Speed said...

Did Will get that shirt at Simon Cowell's Black V-Neck T-Shirt Warehouse?

Otto Man said...

CC fought in Iraq? That's the first I've heard of it.

I didn't have the balls to go there, but I'm glad BDD did.

Chamomiles Davis said...

"And to my left, you'll notice my bodyguard, who strongly disapproves of having his picture taken."

Bulger in My Pants said...

Look at my striped shirt!

Did you play Golden Tee, drink some Jager bombs, grind on girls' asses and call the valet "champ" whilst wearing it?

Unsilent Majority said...

See my vest?

Big Daddy Drew said...

I didn't have the balls to go there, but I'm glad BDD did.

Lotta irony in that statement. A whole lot.

Otto Man said...

I guess plunging necklines really are all the rage these days in New York.

Otto Man said...

Lotta irony in that statement. A whole lot.

Thanks. I was worried it was too subtle.

wrecking_ball said...

Tanning: not easy enough for a Caveman to do it.

(Disclaimer: Neither can I.)

Clutch247 said...

I'm so pissed i missed out on the discussions last nite. I'm glad I didn't get to experience Will shitting his pants or farting the alphabet as it looks like he's doin in that pic.


p.s. Dont worry CC, I respect you dude, except for the whole you telling me to go fuck myself and calling me a lazy fuck part.

lieutenant winslow said...

sounds like somebody is a little self conscious about their vitamin d deficiency

FenwayFaithful78 said...

Looked like a total sausage fest-

you sports bloggers are yummy and apparently so insecure about your pallor. It's cute in a pussy basket kind of way.

lieutenant winslow said...

oh yeah and...

niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice striped shirt

Otto Man said...

I'm waiting for The Big O to denounce you for being so overwhelmingly white.

Jordan Ginsberg said...

Hey, I'm Canadian -- I'm a lazy pacifist *and* I have a vitamin deficiency. Where's my parade?

Signal to Noise said...

I don't tan, I burn, so I get the response.

weed - Will is getting ready to tell various speakers that "it was the worst performance I've ever seen. Just leave."

lauren said...

I like pale and I like striped shirts. Hot.

Sanchez said...

I can't believe he's wearing a blazer.

Sorry. I can resist anything, except temptation.

Awful Chief said...

You are the Walter Sobchak of your generation.

Otto Man said...

Shomer fucking shabbos.

Draft Dodgers said...

Caption: 'Keep pushing PK's head down, as he tends to pull up too soon.'
Helps explain Will's emo expression?

Christmas Ape said...

I appreciate febwayfaithful carrying the torch of the pussy basket.

Writer Ufford should get on with composing "Ode on a Pussy Basket." Keats is dead. He won't care.

Smello said...

Perhaps if you wore the uniform & carried the gun around, there'd be less mocking & more thanking. I know it would certainly make me more inclined to be generous in my...thanks.

Oh, and because the boys always get to do it -- yes & yes.

Otto Man said...

Writer Ufford should get on with composing "Ode on a Pussy Basket."

Actually, "O.D. on a Pussy Basket" would be even better. Hunter S. Thompson's dead too.

mandy said...

Don't worry CC, I'm equally pale and I'd totally be willing to create the supreme Aryan race with you.

MDG said...

I made you batman damn it!

Dat RoRo Kid said...

ummm...? who let more hot girls onto this site??? WHO?!

becky said...

wow the cleavage shots on the avatars are getting out of control...I feel like I need to change mine to keep up w/ all the fabulous big-breastedness. but I won't, cuz I'm shy :)

stopmikelupica said...

You crackers crack me up, with your inability to stay tanned....

I, for one, thought CC's shirt was the hotness:
http://deadon.wordpress.com/2007/03/08/we-got-drunk-with-deadspin/

Dat RoRo Kid said...

Seriously...Mandy is bodacious. Nice rack, Mandzzzzzz. I mean that respectfully and shit.

devang said...

Oh, Oh I got one. Your complexion looks like the Crow character

Face it CC, you just put up your picture to pick up the female posters on this site.

"This is how big the Spain Train's tits were"

MDG said...

ok who's setting up the bracket for KSK/Deadspin Commenter Boobs

Dat RoRo Kid said...

I have to say, though, that at some point I realized I was TOTALLY SURROUNDED by dorks last night. I mean, the dork quotient was at around 98%, easily. If I had a time machine that would take me to the past and I was able to tell all of you dorks that this thing 'blogging' might actually get you some pussy one day....well, you all would have blown milk out of your nose.

Unsilent Majority said...

I'd totally be willing to create the supreme Aryan race with you.

I know when I'm not wanted.

Ian said...

So, when are you telling us about the penthouse party? And thanks for fighting for my right to buy cheap gas. Oh, you're white.

Jackin'4Beats said...

I come from a long line of Aryan racists, you see

I didn't know that C_ _ _ t and CC was the same person!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Ok, I'm over it. And I get more Pussy Basket than you do so take that you New Yorker!!

HA

CC - thanks for going to Iraq so that we didn't have to.

devang said...

I know when I'm not wanted.

I don't think jewfros are her thing

Christmas Ape said...

I don't think jewfros are her thing

You'd think fellow Steelers fans would be. Guuuhhhhh.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Is it me or does the Captain almost look like Foetus head in that picture?

Maybe I'm just stoned.

Walter said...

Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I'm coming home with some pussy tonight!

Grimey said...

Leitch looks like he's in pain. Maybe this will help.

Unsilent Majority said...

Maybe I'm just stoned.

I'll be there in ten minutes

swing4 said...

Well, I think that answers the "Did he get laid last night?" question.

Redhead said...

Actually, I thought you looked pretty good last night.

swing4 said...

Aaaaand, I think THAT answers the "Will he get laid tonight?" question.

Chamomiles Davis said...

j4b: Maybe I'm just stoned.

UM: I'll be there in ten minutes

Chamomiles Davis: Right behind you.

Ryan said...

There were a lot of guys there that night and I'm pretty sure there were no more than ten ladies in the room. And from what I could see, there were no more than 2 good looking woman. One was sitting in a booth drinking wine with her friend, and an Asian one who came in with Henry Abbott's wife.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

In the words of Omar, from 'The Wire': Indeed.

Yea, that Asian one was pretty hot. I was sitting with this cute Asian girl as well but she's on the tiny side and just a friend.

Definitely lots of softball player types there...Didn't see much talent from where I was sitting.

BigRicks said...

My leash was firmly tied to a dinner table at an italian restaraunt on the upper east side, wish I had made it.

becky said...

ahem!

becky said...

I am deeply offended in case you couldn't tell.

Signal to Noise said...

j4b: Maybe I'm just stoned.

UM: I'll be there in ten minutes

Chamomiles Davis: Right behind you.


Catching a cab now...anyone want pizza?

Lisa said...

Shoot, I do you.

But then my husband's been in Iraq for six months.

J.L. White said...

Us pale folks have it pretty good, CC. Don't listen to all the haters. Plus, we can shoot laser beams from our nipples. Trust me, it drives the ladies WILD.

KillBillWirtz said...

"Dave Foley does not approve of Matt Skiba's membership in the Church of Satan"

Dat RoRo Kid said...

sorry, becks...didn't see ya and all i know your pic by is a t-shirt that proclaims your self-admiration for being awesome!...(though that referee outfit pic you used to have up was tops, girl)

becky said...

no worries, I'm sorry I did not get to meet you though

Captain Caveman said...

+1 to killbill for KSK's first-ever Alkaline Trio reference.

Unsilent Majority said...

"Catching a cab now...anyone want pizza?"

That question better be rhetorical

Unsilent Majority said...

wait...there's a band that named themselves after Al Kaline?

That's amazing.

OkieRover said...

Captain Caveman,
I SALUTE YOU.
I too served, lived in the dirty place we lovingly refer to as 29 stumps.
What the fuck is up with some people?
Anyway. Thanks for serving.
I never got shot at, but it wasn't because I didn't try.
0811 2/14 Fox Battery
1982-88

Ryan said...

becky, where were you sitting?

Dat RoRo Kid said...

don't be sorry..check yr blog comments.

Chris said...

hold on, let me get some tissues.

Grimey said...

That would make Henry Abbott a slimmed down Dan Andriano.

The Last Unitard said...

j4b: Maybe I'm just stoned.

UM: I'll be there in ten minutes

Chamomiles Davis: Right behind you.

Catching a cab now...anyone want pizza?

Unitard: Oh... man... CC's shirt has so many colors it fucking blew my mind! Mr. T is colored, too. I love that guy, man. He's all jingle jangly and they always have to knock his ass out because he's scared to fly... Oh fuck, man... where's my wallet?! Fuck! Did I leave it at... Oh.. here it is in my pocket. Whoa.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

God, where's Clint when you need some total fucking ASSHOLE attitude on this comments thread?

tonyhawk said...

j4b: Maybe I'm just stoned.

UM: I'll be there in ten minutes

Chamomiles Davis: Right behind you.

STN: Catching a cab now...anyone want pizza?

Of course, it was rhetorical. The better question is, what kind? Oh wait... that's rhetorical too.

The Last Unitard said...

I've got a big fat fuckin' bone to pick with the IRS. Fuckers.

Jordan Ginsberg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
becky said...

end of the bar, ryan. it's ok though, you're not actually required to think I'm hot.

Nate said...

I think I may have an idea who Clint or "Clit" as he is affectionately known as, really is.
I'm pretty sure I went to high school with him. While in high school my good friend Dean (gay) informed me that Clint gave terrible blowjobs and the worst part about the whole experience was Clint forgot to cup the balls at the end.
I mean if my woman forgot to cup the balls....Wow.

JockNRoll said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JockNRoll said...

Defending our freedoms? In a war we started?

Why, gee. Thanks buddy!

Big Jim Slade said...

Apologies if it's already been sung (88 freakin' posts!) but:

It's not eaz-aaaay bein' whiiiite...

Signal to Noise said...

That question better be rhetorical

It is, about as much as the pizza, but the real question is whether I need to pick up Chinese too.

devang said...

Come on this is a humor site. Please take your fuckin' politics to the Kos or Fox.

Unsilent Majority said...

jock- i'm pretty sure they don't consult the soldiers on what war they fight. otherwise the navy would have invaded bermuda by now

Otto Man said...

Big Jim Slade is saying some things that whitey's just not ready to hear.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Won't...stop...posting...till we...reach...100...

Speaking of our favorite GIMP (aka Clit). Just realized that my post to his website last night solidifying my ownership of his sorry excuse for a soul was removed. So not only is he an asshole, he is a sore loser too.

Or maybe he's just got a sore asshole.

Hmmm...

tonyhawk said...

STN: Go ahead. I like beef with broccoli.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

98

Ruthless Gravity said...

Judging by Will's facial expression, I'd guess that Chris Berman was in the crowd.

Ryan said...

100?

devang said...

ding ding ding. Ryan's the winner!!

I think this post had more comments than BDD's skewering of Simmons

Bathroom Jones said...

Speaking of dongs, does anyone know a good term for an uncircumcised penis besides "pig in a blanket?"

Nick said...

Caption contest?

"Okay, now when I say, "Es ist Zeit für Rache!" you respond, "Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!"

save the steagles said...

it's green beer day here in oxford. all i have to say is "yes" and "yes". i love those who are fair and protect my freedom. and green beer. yay miami! yay freedom!

Nick said...

If you can suntan atop a tank, you can suntan anywhere.

whodat said...

go look up some blogs about tinsley mortimer. it always makes me feel better. gawker's is particularly good.

The Dude said...

Hey nice striped shirt!

DrDoom said...

Leitch clearly dissaproves of what you are saying... and just to clarify nice waxed hair under sexy striped shirt.

MemphisRaines said...

Love it! And as a fellow eggshell-tinted human, winter really blows. I can't wait to glow red during the 90 degree humidity.

Hawkins said...

what, no faux hawk?

Danny G said...

Pete Doherty and Simon Cowell?

Nacho Friendly said...

Caption Contest: "I will now demonstrate the proper use of a giant foam finger...ladies."

DougOLis said...

good lord that was bitter

Jackin'4Beats said...

Caption Contest:

"So you take your right hand and place it ever so softly on the top of her head and push down gently until she's assumed the proper position...what, uh nevermind."

Peralta said...

Too bad they didn't blow your legs off.

Peralta said...

j4b: Maybe I'm just stoned.

UM: I'll be there in ten minutes

Chamomiles Davis: Right behind you.

STN:Catching a cab now...anyone want pizza?

Unitard: Oh... man... CC's shirt has so many colors it fucking blew my mind! Mr. T is colored, too. I love that guy, man. He's all jingle jangly and they always have to knock his ass out because he's scared to fly... Oh fuck, man... where's my wallet?! Fuck! Did I leave it at... Oh.. here it is in my pocket. Whoa.

I got my bowl, can i have the roach?

Drew Brees' Birthmark said...

yeah well, as a latino, i am always tan and I live in Miami. dont get mad at me that you are whiter than bryant gumbel....

The Angry Rant said...

Top 5 other things Ufford could have been describing as this photo was taken:

5. "Throw me the ball! I'm open!"
4. "When collecting on a slapbet, proper wind-up is key. I will now demonstrate this on my assistant here."
3. "When we finished in Fallujah, the bodies were stacked this high."
2. "No, I've never seen a Filipino whore that tall."
1. "I have to raise my and AND look at you to get another drink?"

Bouj said...

Does Will shave his arms?

Lizzy said...

Didn't get a chance to drop you a note yesterday, Matt, but it was a pleasure putting a face with a writing style:)

PUBoiler78 said...

Does Will wax?

Walklett said...

Caption contest:

"I, Caveman, do solemnly swear, to only wear shirts with vertical stripe patterns, never horizontal, because they are not as slimming. I vow to always glow like a light bulb, and never remove this blazer."