Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Better Know a Draft Pick: JaMarcus Russell

Welcome to the first installment of KSK's newest series, Better Know a Draft Pick. We'll lead up to April's draft by giving you all the pertinent info you'll need on the next generation of future salary cap casualties.


Name: Jamal + Marcus + Stupid Parents= JaMarcus
Height: Tall
Weight: Fat

Speed: Fuck No
Arm Strength: Mountain Eclipsing
Urine Test: Positive for clarified butter
Stool Sample: Brobdingnagian

Mainstream Comparison: Daunte Culpepper
KSK Comparison: Stay Puft Marshmallow Man on HGH (and you thought it would be a black guy...)

Who Wants Him: The Crypt Keeper and his Wonder Boy

Hobby: Collects things that are soft.
Fav Movie: Sling Blade, Of Mice and Men

Story that ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: Once housed Fats Domino and a dozen other Katrina refugees in his Baton Rouge apartment that was absolutely not paid for by a booster.

Immediate Impact: JaMarcus has all the skills he needs to be a success but considering his future surroundings (Oakland) he'll turn into another gunslinger with gaudy numbers and a handful wins. Hey, not everybody can be a Sex Cannon. If he were surrounded by "talent" and "NFL caliber coaching" he'd be a sensation... 'C'est la vie', say the old folks, it goes to show you never can tell...

Down the Road: Most quarterbacks age like wine and cheese. Well JaMarcus' ass is going to age like a tub of potato salad wedged between PK's legs on a mid-summer road trip.

70 comments:

Christmas Ape said...

Stool Sample: Brobdingnagian

But yet he doesn't like Gulliver's Travels. He's strange, this one.

Captain Caveman said...

A Swift reference in a feces joke. The ultimate highbrow-lowbrow combo.

Jamie Mottram said...

Nice work, UM. You even quoted Rod Stewart there towards the end.

Chris said...

Way to sneak in the Chuck Berry/Pulp Fiction reference.

Weed Against Speed said...

Story that ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat

Why did you have to go ahead and bring up Sean Salisbury? Hasn't the poor man been through enough?

Unsilent Majority said...

Chris- thanks for getting it right.

Chris said...

UM - Thats what I am here for, well that and the dick jokes.

mrmom61 said...

You had me at clarified butter.

McFad said...

Arm Strength: Mountain Eclipsing

So he has the arm strength of Uncle Rico?

Real Men Eat Haggis said...

His ass might age for like egg salad with some fromunda cheese for aroma

Mike said...

age like a tub of potato salad wedged between PK's legs on a mid-summer road trip

I can't decide if that's more or less revolting than the puddle of vomit it caused me to hurl onto my desk.

Ruthless Gravity said...

Collects things that are soft.

Apparently, he's going to collect a core of recievers that fit that description

Jackin'4Beats said...

Maybe he can demand a trade to the Giants so that Eli can fulfill his lifelong dream of playing professional squash in the Tiananmen Square Red Army under 40 league.

The Raiders would then be stuck with Andrew Walter as the next Daryl Lamonica...or not.

Otto Man said...

Name: Jamal + Marcus + Stupid Parents= JaMarcus

I heard they originally wanted to name him Algernon.

Jackin'4Beats said...

otto man: As funny as that is, I know a man named Algernon who's in his 50s.

Good ole Algie...

Clint said...

Good work UM. I like the fresh idea title incorporated with ebonics. lmao

Clint said...

I also must say when I look deep into that picture of Jamalcus, the look on his face just says to me: "I'm a dumb 'N' that's going #1 overall and I'm foolin' ya'll"

Otto Man said...

otto man: As funny as that is, I know a man named Algernon who's in his 50s.

Yikes. That book came out in the mid-60s, when your friend would've been hitting the awkward teenage years.

That must've sucked royally. Unless he really liked flowers. And incessant taunting.

Smello said...

He will take the Raiders to the Super Bowl.

I said it and I'll keep saying it. The Raiders are on their way to greatness.

I have no joke here. Been a tough day, trying to think happy thoughts.

DrDoom said...

alright who taught Al Davis to use a computer?

LButler36 said...

Blood Type: Mayo

DrDoom said...

vertical: none; absolute zero

non 'mainstream' comparison: jeff garcia.

save the steagles said...

I like a little junk in the trunk myself, but I'm still a Quinn girl at heart.

the butler said...

"I have no joke here"

You just made two.

Otto Man said...

He will take the Raiders to the Super Bowl.

You mean he'll drive them on a bus to watch the other teams play?

DrDoom said...

uhm no little dude otto man drives the bus. you off all people should know this.

Proinsias Cassidy said...

I think that "potato salad" is what PK gets for letting Foetus, Dreamboat, and Antonio Ramiro have sword-fights in his pie-hole(s). The road trip is taking place on the Bang Bus, of course.

I win?

DrDoom said...

uhm no we just all lose from that image. stop now!!!

DrDoom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unsilent Majority said...

I also must say when I look deep into that picture of Jamalcus, the look on his face just says to me: "I'm a dumb 'N' that's going #1 overall and I'm foolin' ya'll"

Hey Clint, that comment is why people think you're an ignorant shithead.

Weed Against Speed said...

Clint - you must be confused. This is ksk.com, not kkk.com.

Somehow you think that putting the 'N' in quotations you're fooling everyone.

Ain't my place to judge, just sayin'...

You can't spell clint without clit.

Mike said...

Hey man, don't be dissing the clit.

Clint said...

Oh I'm sorry, there's never any racist jokes made on here. I forgot it's KSK.com (it is?) not kkk.com

UM-people in the 'comment league' of the blog might think I'm an ignorant shithead, but at least they're not saying behind my back that I am riding on the coat tails of a guy with some talent that writes for the same blog. CC and BDD are the only ones really worth reading. W/ the rest of you it's like, jesus, what a tired act.

Clint said...

no worries, i'd be mad if I was a minority as well.

Clint said...

Unsilent Majority, I'm pretty sure you succeeded in making me angry. It's ok to make fun of someone who's mentally retarded, but it's then suddenly taboo to refer to a rich, dumb, black athlete as an "N" when in reality that's what he is? I change my mind, I'd rather be a an "N" than a shylock like you anyday! Jew breath!

Unsilent Majority said...

for someone who doesn't like me you sure spend a lot of time commenting on my posts.

Chris said...

Stay classy Clint

Shoopmonster said...

What do you expect from somebody out of Columbus, Ohio?

Weed Against Speed said...

Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.

Danny G said...

Good work UM. I like the fresh idea title incorporated with ebonics. lmao

at least they're not saying behind my back that I am riding on the coat tails of a guy with some talent that writes for the same blog.


Clint do you always contradict yourself like this? Must be easy to critique other's work and not add anything funny or relevant to the comments section. What a dueche.

Unsilent Majority said...

how do you talk behind somebody's back on the internet? regardless i don't need to be reminded that drew and ufford are the tits. i'm well aware of the fact.

Jamie Mottram said...

Regarding my earlier comment ... I'm not smart.

Also, that guy Clint is an asshole.

BeaverFever said...

un-mainstream comparison: Jared Lorenzen with a better arm

DrDoom said...

ok if they are the tits what is um?

Biggus Rickus said...

To take some of the heat off Clint, my friend's comment on the origin of "JaMarcus":

Mom: Marcus is a nice name.

Dad: Yeah, but we need to nigga it up a little bit.

Fire away.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Hey Clint, that comment is why people think you're an ignorant shithead

Thanks UM for making the point because ignorant asscracks from Columbus Ohio think it's OK to use that word or put it in quotes because its a funny think to do. Hey Clit, just because Eminem says it on the CDs you "burned" and you're trying to be down even though you live in Columbus, it's still not OK for you to use that word in public or on the Internets.

Oh yeah, get off of BDD and Ufford's nut sacks, they are tired of dragging you around. Everyone knows they are the bomb, we don't need you suckin' them off too.

Awful Chief said...

Clint,
You have to find the proper outlet for your racist thoughts. Fire a weapon at your television screen. Pick a fight with someone weaker than you. Or, write a threatening letter to a celebrity. So when you go to KSK, remember to leave your racist, witless comments where they belong--bottled up inside.

Clint said...

You need not all be so sensitive. When I've seen racist jokes in the form of posts before, no one got their panties in a bind.

I'm not down because I'm from Cbus, I'm "down" because I'm 24, could buy and sell your ass twice, and my humor is versatile enough that I can make fun of black people.

Big Daddy Drew said...

clint, calling someone the an "n" isn't a racist joke. It's, you know, just racist. So fuck off and don't come back until you have pubes in your pants and something useful to say.

Biggus Rickus said...

I'm not down because I'm from Cbus, I'm "down" because I'm 24, could buy and sell your ass twice, and my humor is versatile enough that I can make fun of black people.

HAHAHAHA

My humor is versatile enough to ironically enjoy the arrogance of anyone who uses the phrase "buy and sell your ass twice", particularly in relation to jokes about black people.

Weed Against Speed said...

I can't believe Clint came back.

While I was typing that, I think he bought and sold me twice. Fuck.

my humor is versatile enough that I can make fun of black people

Wow.

Clint said...

Ok Drew, you got it. Speaking of no pubes in the pants yet....don't come crying to me when your little daughter comes home with Sambo. What shit does father know about that?

Clint said...

Unsilent MaJEWity

Chris said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Weed Against Speed said...

Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it...

And Unsilent's response (hopefully) in 3...2....1...

Or fuck it, this piece of shit ain't worth wasting your time.

Chris said...

http://bp3.blogger.com/_UYl4EeW8xVg/ReNVhPAiLKI/AAAAAAAAAeQ/DcIbpcxRMTU/s320/quinn.jpg

the great white/pale hype clint

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Wow. The douchiness just rolls off of that guy.

Hey Clint, from white boy to another: Shut your fuckin' piehole.

Otto Man said...

I think we can all agree Clint's a horrible racist.

And by that, I mean he's not very good at it.

Jackin'4Beats said...

For a 24 year old, you really are a little piece of shit. Sounds more like a 16 year old who is anonymous and tries to act hard in front of company knowing he's really shitting his pants hoping that no one will call his bluff.

Why don't you leave that hard ass town - Columbus is it - and come east to NY to find out what the brothas would do to your little ass. I don't think they would be too impressed that you're reppin' CBUS.

And you couldn't buy yourself out of that ass kicking you'd have to absorb either you insolent little punk.

Brady Quinn = Heath Shuler

Think about that when he's face down in the turf next year. And stay out of Yankee Stadium - we don't like your kind out here.

Weed Against Speed said...

Through much research and effort, I managed to find a picture from Clint's wedding.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Now that's more like it!
HA

weed against speed +1

Clint said...

Jackin'4beats

I have been "east" much in my life. New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, etc.

Really a mean street in Columbus is just like a mean street there. It doesn't make you big and bad because you're from the east, or because you've got a posse that would wup my ass. I'm sure of that.

Hard to believe I'm saying it to a guy in a blog comment section, but believe it or not, mano y mano, I'm a 24 year old that would knock your pearly white teeth down your throat. No bluff about that.

Chris said...

Hard to believe I'm saying it to a guy in a blog comment section, but believe it or not, mano y mano, I'm a 24 year old that would knock your pearly white teeth down your throat. No bluff about that.

Clint = Ultimate trash talking blogger

Proinsias Cassidy said...

The mean streets of Columbus

Apparently, someone got a little jump in their giddy-up after watching the UFC PPV in Columbus.

Back under your bridge, troll.

Clint said...

suck me off bitch. I do what I want.

Chris said...

suck me off bitch. I do what I want.

You surely do Clint, that is unless your mom tells you to take out the trash or clean your room.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

"Oh yeah?! I roam with twelve gangs! And we only commit hate crimes! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!"

Jackin'4Beats said...

Clint - it's obvious to me and everyone else on this blog that you are got to be the biggest studio gangster posting. Not only do you talk more anonymous shit but you really think you can fight. OK, keep living the dream and juggling those nuts in your mouth, because no pussy from cbus has got anything for me or anyone else on this side. Bitch.

Let me put it in terms you might understand - if you an' yer kinfolk start shit in da big citay, then yu will probably end up in buried under a grain silo with your wife/sister.

Clint said...

what are you gonna do toby? steal my television? Don't go doing something that's going to put you in jail, cause you know what that'd make you? Another, typical "N"

Bwahahahahahaha! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! BWA BWA BWAAAAAHAAAAA!

Jackin'4Beats said...

I'll make your mom moan on my Black Snake you Imperial Wizard wannabe. Go do us all a favor and OD on some crystal meth and remove yourself from the gene pool.

It's too easy bitching you...you are a homo thug from Columbus. Tell your boys to keep it real...real gay.