Wednesday, March 7, 2007

The Offseason Adventures Of Michael Vick! Episode 2: The Mall


Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Oh my God, I am fucking STONED. What? Where are we? What? Oh man, look at the store directory! All the stores on the first concourse are green, man! They’re fucking green! And all the stores on the second concourse are red! That’s fucked up, man. Where are we? Nordstrom’s? What is that? That smells like old people, man. I can smell the old people from here.

Wait, wait. Never mind. That’s grandma. She’s standing right there. Sorry, grandma. I just so fucking stoned right now. The walls are getting all jiggly!

Where’s the food court? Nah, man. I want some Panda Express. They serve you everything in one bigass bowl. I love that. All food should come in a single bowl. It’s like family style. For one. I am my own family. So true, man. So fucking true.

Is that a Chico’s? I don’t fucking get it, bro. There’s a Chico’s in every fucking mall, and no one’s ever in it. Where is Chico getting all the money? I bet he’s dealing. I bet Chico can get some nasty, fucked up shit that makes the horizon all jagged and shit.

It’s so bright in here, man. Where’s the fucking Sunglass Hut? What? It’s a kiosk and not a hut? That’s fucked up.

Man, there are eight million jewelers in here. Who keeps buying girls all these diamonds? How many tennis bracelets do you need?

Wait, wait, wait. Ha ha HA! I am fucking STONED, grandma. This must be the same feeling you get when you sit on your porch and drink Country Time. It is NICE. You know what I do when I’m really, really fucked up? I go to Bath & Body Works and I smell all the candles. They have a S’Mores candle, and I swear to God it smells EXACTLY like S’Mores. One time I took a bite out of one. It did NOT taste like S’Mores. But look how shiny my teeth are!

I think I have to throw up.

You ever just, like, sit in a Pottery Barn? It’s so tranquil. Oh, oh! You know what I like to do! I like to go to Brooks Brothers, and then have them fit me for a suit. They take you in the back, and they put you on this little pedestal, and then they, like measure you and shit. And it’s those old Italian fuckers that do it. Not fake Italians, like that fuck Tony Danza. Real little Italian men. Like they were just flown in. It’s so fucking classy.

I don’t get it. Sometimes, B. Dalton has porn and sometimes it doesn’t. Holy shit, I’m losing my balance. I think this weed had pesticide on it. There’s no way someone paid $15 million to Daniel fucking Graham. Everyone’s fucked up!

Gap, man. What the fuck? Who needs that much khaki? It’s khaki overload, bro. Even Peyton Manning doesn’t need that much. Dude, Brookstone and Sharper Image are the same goddamn store. And why is that Suncoast pictures still around? Is there any fucking point to that store?

Whoa, I am locked in on that strobe light. I am locked in on it and am now orbiting it. It’s totally sucked me in. You guys go on without me. This may be a while. I am totally in its grasp.

Whoa. That was amazing. I am FUCKED UP. Let’s go to Williams Sonoma. I want to buy a tin of peppermint bark for $40. Did you know you can return anything to LL Bean and they’ll just take it back? I returned a box of wine there once, and I didn’t even get it there! Amazing.

Why does Marcus want to go to Urban Outfitters? Pfft. Ain’t nothing urban about that store. Champs Sports, now THAT is fucking urban, man. White people stay away from that place in droves.

(small angelic choir begins singing in Vick’s head)

Holy shit, the FOOD COURT! Nice. I’mma have a Mrs. Fields cookie before I do anything. They got a cookie pizza! Oh my God, I want a slice. Semi-sweet WITH motherfuckin’ nuts. Let’s go to Taco Bell and drink Fire Sauce right from the packet. And get a small drink. Not a large. They give you free fucking refills, man. A small IS a large. They’re the same. I just blew my own mind. I want Sbarro AND Steak Escape. Is that allowed?

God, this food tastes so fucking good. I’m gonna sleep here.

Photo, as always, courtesy of The Onion.

81 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

golf clap

Danny G said...

What stoner doesn't go in Spencer's Gifts and look at the adult section?

Big Daddy Drew said...

Shit. You're right. Glaring omission.

BeaverFever said...

no mention of the infamous water bottle. also, i would be willing to bet that a stoned mike vick would be stopping into to victoria's secrets because we all know he is totally not gay.

Unsilent Majority said...

i've always been confused by the piano store at montgomery mall (i assume it's still there). i've never seen a soul in the place.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

I was hoping and praying that you would mention Vick going back and forth, over and over again to the free cajun chicken samples on toothpicks at the food court. No diggity DOUBT that nigz would be ON THAT SHIT.

umm..like flies on shit?

save the steagles said...

Fantastic Drew, who knew Michael and me had a love for Panda Express in common?

Signal to Noise said...

I love Panda Express, however, one Panda Bowl is not big enough to satiate the munchies.

Michael's probably getting a couple of three-entree plates.

Jamie Mottram said...

I think the Suncoast Video mention was my favorite. Excellent post, man. And was Vick in Tyson's Corner, or is Tyson's Corner just like every other mall?

Grimey said...

Sbarro... where Michael Scott goes for authentic New York cuisine.

Clint said...

If at first you don't succeed at being funny; just make fun of a space ship exploding or Terry Schiavo!!!!

*cue the cumstain followers w/o jobs taking the defense

Jackin'4Beats said...

Holy shit, I’m losing my balance

Holy shit, I just sprayed my computer screen with soda. So does the peppermint candle make your breath all nice and fresh like Orbit gum?

Benjamin said...

I think the champs sports line was the money line here. Made it all worthwhile.

Big Daddy Drew said...

The latter, Mottram.

BeaverFever said...

the $40 tin of peppermint bark at williams-sonoma is classic. i hate that store. i think you would need to be on crack or crystal meth, not weed to spend money on that over priced shit.

also, is it me or do most malls have way to many places to get your haircut ?

Danny G said...

"I'm a dumb 'N' that's stoned and got money and I'm foolin' ya'll"

[/clint]

Monday Morning Punter said...

Spaceship is one word, Clit.

And why are you waiting a year and three months to get married? Is that when she turns 15?

Howie Feltersnatch said...

Terry Schivo isn't funny. However the whole media circus & numerous court appeals surrounding that non-event was.

Thank God there is nothing like that going on at CNN right now...

Unsilent Majority said...

2 comments from the blogfather in 2 days!

Captain Caveman said...

2 comments from the blogfather in 2 days!

They hired somebody else to watch over the FanHouse and Sports Bloggers Live is no more. Jamie's got a lot of free time now.

Bulger in My Pants said...

is Tyson's Corner just like every other mall?

It is, unless he's in Tyson's II, in which case he would have been arrested upon entry. Uppity bastards.

Brian said...

Clint, I think your tampon is in sideways.

Weed Against Speed said...

You guys do the pot post when I'm on lunch break? No fair!

At least Clit is keeping it real.

Grimey said...

My mall has no Tyson's Corner. We still have Taco Casa, though.

Weed Against Speed said...

Have you ever read Diamond Hoggers...on weed?

Yeah, it still sucks.

Clint said...

Yeah, cause your blog is so much better weed against speed.

btw, I still get more pussy than you, so file your comment in the I don't give a fuck category.

nathan said...

that was clearly pentagon city and he absolutely would have visited johnny rockets for a double cheesburger then go hit on the jewish girls from GW getting soup at the ABP.

becky said...

I kinda figured the strobe light was coming from Spencers.

Also, I bet Marcus would hang around Hot Topic and beat those kids up on their way out.

My mall has a ferris wheel in the food court...I bet Mikey woulda liked that....

Weed Against Speed said...

How does Clit know so much about everyone? It's like he knows all and sees all - it's almost like he's a blogging deity!

Not only does he claim he can kick every person's ass on this site (without knowing one thing about them), he also gets more pussy than everyone. I got some news for you fucktard, the Sunrise Adams Pocket Pussy isn't actually "pussy".

And what kind of insecure douche has a countdown to his wedding day on his sports "blog"? I'm sure your sister is a nice girl so good luck to you both.

And with that, I'm done wasting my time on such a pathetic, bigoted loser.

Clint said...

hahaha "+1" to quote you nutsack pampering fag fucks that hang in the comment box, alll, dayyyy long

Rob I said...

There's no more little towns - it's all malls! And they're all the same! The mall in St. Louis is the same mall in Detroit.. it's got the same Gap, Banana Republic, Chess King, Sunglasses Hut, all the same crap! And every town's got tow malls! They've got the white mall, and the mall white people used to go to. 'Cause they're ain't nothing in the black mall! Nothing but sneakers and baby clothes!

Rob I said...

Hey Clint, want a commenting invite at Deadspin?

Lemme know.

Not really.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Hey hey hey...everyone take it easy.

Clint has just got a little sand in his vagina as the wedding day approaches. He's all nerves and racism.

And yes, I am sure his sister is a nice girl. priceless!

Clint said...

Aw, I can't join your little party either? Well fuck you too Rob Roy.

Ruthless Gravity said...

Nathan- is that before or after they put on the freshman 25?

Can somebody get a body on that Anne Coulter impersonator?

Jackin'4Beats said...

I still get more pussy than you

Translation: I get no pussy at all and my dick is raw from my sandpaper hands.

I don't think Clit learned that real playas don't need to talk about their exploits. That's what happens when you're 16.

Clint said...

How does one become a Comment Inviter? That's really something to throw your power around with. That's like being head of the boy scouts and now allowing in little johnny.

I wish I got an internship inviting people to comment on an internet site. Imagine how well things will go when I get a real job.

BeaverFever said...

Clit, you talk pretty tough for a guy that has "Oh The Places You Will Go" by Dr. Seuss under favorite books on you blog profile. Wow, that is as gay as it gets. Are you sure your fiance's name is stepanhie and not stephan ?

Ben said...

I get almost all of my t-shirts and polos from Champs Sports. But it IS urban central - I'm only a half-Rican, and I never see any white dudes in there, ever. But they have ultra long t-shirts, all the alternate NBA unis, and their sizes go up to XXXXL. They always have like 40 of those XXXXL shirts for every L, and I always wonder what they do with those when they don't sell. I'm guessing they give them to homeless guys on the mall to make tents.

Danny G said...

Clint mocks people for "hanging in the comment box" then responds to every comment about him within minutes.

Can we all ignore this deuche and get back to the dick jokes?

Burnsy said...

I'd like to think that Vick would let the Asian kids jumping around on Dance Dance Revolution distract him for at least an hour. Then he'd go to pilates and yoga with Ricky Williams.

Clint said...

Ok, I'm out. I promise I won't come back until UM or MMP post another "Chat dialogue."

Now if that wasn't homo, I don't know what is. Peace

nathan said...

Ruthless Gravity - everybody knows the blowjobs are better AFTER the freshman 25.

Weed Against Speed said...

I envision Vick hanging out in the Select Comfort store. After waking up from his nap, he would discover that his Sleep Number is 40.

Thomas said...

It's just like, it's just like, a mini-mall

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ3oHpup-pk

Chris said...

I really thought Micheal would have gone to the pet store and played with all the puppies.

Ruthless Gravity said...

Nathan- GW girls after the freshman 25 are a prime example of a situation that calls for a double bagger

tonyhawk said...

danny g - I thought clint was the dick joke.

Kurt said...

at least clint doesn't rip off anyone's ideas in his blog or anything ...

BeaverFever said...

nathan is right. bj's are better after the freshman 25. most fat chicks know they have to work harder if they want to get some dick !

Burnsy said...

Did Ron Borges help them come up with the idea for that?

nathan said...

WOW! this is HILARIOUS:

"Joel Zumaya has a very powerful arm, yielding fastballs of 98 mph + at times. You think he throws hard, you should see how fast he can beat off."

Ba-Zing!

"After a bad start last year on the road, Kenny Rogers returned home to Detroit and beat the fuck out of his Labrador. His wife threw him out of the house for a few weeks and he promised he'd never do it again. After she let him back in the house, he then tied the family cat to the railroad tracks and mocked it until it was ran over and died....some guys never learn."

WOOOOAHHHH! BEST WRITING EVER!

Weed Against Speed said...

nathan - by writing about him, you're only making Clint more famous. Or is that Jay Mariotti?

Eh. It doesn't matter - they're both fucking losers.

Dat RoRo Kid said...

you guys DO know that Clint is STILL checking this comments thread every 28 seconds right? Dude's just hitting F5.

He's still lurking.....

Pete Rose Colored Glasses said...

It takes a real douchebag to be banned from the BengalsInsider.com message boards, but somehow that turd Clint managed to pull it off. Oh yeah- he was stupid enough to be banned four times:

forums.scout.com/mb.aspx?S=117&F=1756&T=92296

Awful Chief said...

Mike would not be able to resist Chick-Fil-A. Their chicken is laced with the best fucking chemicals. If you stare deep into the crystals in the breading while really high, I'm sure you can see god.

Chris said...

Awful Chief - I was thinking the same thing. Just make sure its not on a Sunday or Mike would be shit out of luck.

Awful Chief said...

Good point, Chris. In-n-out and Chick-Fil-A have ruined many a Sunday. Wow, are there any other fast food chains with two hyphens that shut down for some Christ worshiping?

BeaverFever said...

also, the chikin breakfast biscuits and waffle fries also kick ass at chik-fil-a. living in ny i have to wait until i travel somewhere that has chik-fil-a. i'll give them a pass for loving the lord.

also, whataburger in texas great.

Weed Against Speed said...

This conversation begins and ends with White Castle.

Clint said...

at least clint doesn't rip off anyone's ideas in his blog or anything ...

Except for the fact that I come up with everything myself, and this is a football blog and mine is about baseball. Yeah, other than that it's exactly alike, ass.

fallex said...

I see a promise from Clint is just as good as a comment from Clint.

Jackin'4Beats said...

In and out burger...mmmm
White Castle...mmmm...mmmm

And I don't even have the munchies right now.

Quick everyone, got to clint's blog and bitch him out. It's really fun and all his readers are doing it!!!

Signal to Noise said...

beaverfever - Williams-Sonoma is in the same category as Pier 1 of buying overpriced shit when strung out.

As for haircuts, having a Fantastic Sam's and a Supercuts in the same mall is definitely overdoing it.

tonyhawk said...

He's baaack....

Unsilent Majority said...

let's just move on.

DrDoom said...

is there a way to block people on this, cause you know that would be like smart.

By the way you left out the part where he drops of marcus at a mcdonalds with a pack of condoms.

McFad said...

also, is it me or do most malls have way to many places to get your haircut ?

We only have one here.

No stop at the Vietnamese nail salon for Mikey to get some fumes. That'd make him puke.

Completely agree that there are too many jewelers seems like one out of 4 stores is a jewelry store

devang said...

let's just move on.

thanks UM. whores are pathetic, but attention whores are even more pathetic.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Is it the ghetto mall where it's all sneaker and baby clothes stores with a food court and maybe a Sam Goody?

Weed Against Speed said...

Annnnnd...scene.

T. said...

the mall the white people used to go to...

wrecking_ball said...

"Yo, grandma, I think we lost Marcus when we passed Limited Too."

Clutch247 said...

lol by far one of the most entertaining comment pages everrrr. It kinda reminded me of the part in Billy Madison where Billy's friend (Weed against speed) is spraying the kid (Clint in this case) with the hose and he's just begging for mercy but Billy's friend won't stop and just keeps on laughing...ya it's actually exaclty like that. Props to BBD for making this all possible.

anyway,

weed against speed- we have contests about who we're going to see in White Catle @ like 4am. I usually call for a transexual, 3 hookers, a guy or couple guys with no shoes/feet, and there's usually a family of 10 eating dinner or breakfast, i'm not quite sure. Either way it's absolutely pricesless dude.

BeaverFever said...

signal to noise: we also forgot pottery barn. talk about a place full of over priced shit and don't get me started on pottery barn for kids.

the mall up here in albany has 4 places to get your done. wow !

Weed Against Speed said...

clutch247 - thanks for the compliment. I do feel a little guilty taking advantage of a mental midget.

"Words are like bullets."

tonyhawk said...

words are like bullets - they go right through me

Jackin'4Beats said...

I think Ron Mexico's pissed at us for calling him a stoner...

The Onion

Or maybe he just found out that Joe Horn's gonna be a teammate and that he'll be expected to throw the ball more.

Signal to Noise said...

beaverfever - Pottery Barn is a money pit for morons.

I can't imagine why anyone goes into a store with the word "barn" in the name. I remember ex-girlfriends who'd go to the Dress Barn, and I kept wondering if you would actually admit in public company that you shopped at a place with that name.

Dexter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DexterManleysCokeSpoon said...

I picture Vick sitting in the massage chair at Brookstone as he downs like 20 Happy Meals.