Wednesday, March 14, 2007

In Defense of Jerramy Stevens


I suppose that headline's a bit of misnomer. I'm actually pretty happy that clown drunk drove himself off the Seahawks and onto a new team where he'll get a nice little suspension and a league-minimum contract.

But I'm not here to call out our spoiled, self-entitled, idiot sports stars. I'm here to call out the hero-worshiping, holier-than-thou, dumbfuck sports fans.

Allow me to elaborate. Last season I posted an open letter to Jerramy Stevens that said, in essence, "I've tried really hard to cheer for you, but you're just too much of a goddam jackass." I wrote it in early November, after Stevens had a killer game against the Raiders in which he got flagged for a critical 15-yard unsportsmanlike penalty, dropped a possible TD pass, and instigated the Tyler Brayton knee-groin incident.

In January, a commenter identifying himself as "C.P." added this gem, directed at me and other commenters who happened to agree that Stevens was an immature boor whose play didn't make up for his attitude (I've taken the liberty of adding sics, because it's a nice easy way to make a person look even dumber):

What a bunch of jackasses...you all need to get out of your house [sic] more and get an actuall [sic] life!! So the guy made a few mistakes when he was younger!! Big F'n deal!! If we were all made to pay for mistakes we made while young and stupid even though we learned from them and no longer act iun [sic] that manner, where would we all be now. [sic] Give the guy a break. Maybe he needs to get his head on straight and start being a little more consistent, but he is big, stron [sic], athletic and when he is on he is one of the top players at his position!! I'm sickl [sic] of listening to asswipes like you beatin a guy down when it's obvious what he needs is HOME FAN support, not more negativity from some hack football fan who want's [sic] to lump his Jerramy's career into a microcosm like the Raider game. Big deal!! He was all we had against the Cowboys and you should be damn fortunate we had him!!

Oh shit. I had no idea it was my lack of faith that made him suck. Let's have a quick look at the mistakes Stevens made when he was young. And I guess 27 counts as young, because that's his age now.

1998: Breaks man's jaw with baseball bat.
2000: Accused of drugging and raping a 19-year-old girl at UW. Cleared of charges.
2001: Crashes car into retirement home, charged with hit-and-run.
2003: Charged with DUI after police find two half-empty champagne bottles in his car.
2006: $15,000 fine for instigating Bratton's knee.
2007: Charged with DUI.


Wow, I wish I could not be blamed for my youthful mistakes that span almost a decade into my late 20s. So... where you at now, C.P.? Is this one my fault, too?

This grand "fuck you" goes not just to C.P., but to ALL sports fans who think their favorite pro athletes' shit doesn't stink. You all can head over to the all-you-can-eat cock buffet. I believe the Ray Lewis fans are already there.

39 comments:

Billy said...

I think the Ray Lewis fans are being given a run for their money by a certain bunch of Cheeseheads who feel they deserve to be jerked around by a painfully declining Southern Boy who can make the Sex Cannon look like Phil Simms in SBXXI.

The Last Unitard said...

I really want to kick this dumbfuck when he's down, but I have a sinking feeling the Vikings are already on the horn to his agent/bailbondsman.

Even Koren Robinson thinks this guy has character issues.

becky said...

a lot of self-linking and angry profanity from the good Captain today...is there such thing as a hate wank?
Majerus...?
but yeah, fuck the commenters at the FanHaus, they're mostly inbred dyslexic penguins with an utter lacking of sense of humor and self awareness.
(note: becky's comments get worse when she's bitter that she's stuck at work on a nice day.)

Otto Man said...

In Jerramy's defense, I believe he did lead the league in red-zone dropped passes last season.

liquid_d said...

"inbred dyslexic pengiuns"?!.
Damn, someone get becky outside now.And honestly, who sticks up for a two R, mispelled Jeremy?Even Shockey can get it right.

Ruthless Gravity said...

inbred dyslexic penguins

Are there any other kind?

lieutenant winslow said...

i think you are overreacting just a tad.

-as far as crashing the car into an oldfolks home. come on caveman... old people fucking suck. anything that expedites their journey to the great beyond is a good thing.

-as far as raping that chick while she was passed out, zac randolph thinks you are making a mountain out of a molehill. after all, there is a time and a place for everything. its called college. duh.

-finally, as far as breaking that dude's jaw with a baseball bat. that occurred in 1998. he was not yet a member of the Seahawks and had not yet been taken under the wing of Ken Hamlin & taught that
stop signs make better weapons than baseball bats.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Why do these professional athletes never learn? ALWAYS get a member of your entourage to hold your weed! God!

The Last Unitard said...

Outside's not what it's cracked up to be. So I've heard, anyway.

mandy said...

CC, did Joey Porter hack your computer?

Ryan said...

I was going to write something witty, but mandy's breasts made me lose my train of thought.

cinnamon girl said...

chamomiles davis: Or your brother.

The Intern said...

+1 Lt. Winslow

Basshole said...

CC, did Joey Porter hack your computer?

That would probably be giving Mr. Porter a little too much credit. I doubt he could even type his name.

Awful Chief said...

Jerramy Stevens: bad
"View Full Size" links: good

word verification: tfake
eh, maybe. looking great though!

Signal to Noise said...

First Dominic Rhodes gets nailed for DUI and pisses his pants, now this.

At what point do these fuckers learn to call a cab or a limo? It's not like they're short on cash.

I'm not sure there was anyone who wasn't laughing at Stevens when he got kneed in the nuts by a Radier and said, "yeah, that fucker deserved it."

Signal to Noise said...

um, yeah, a Raider. Can't type today. I blame Mandy's picture.

KillBillWirtz said...

Ray Lewis is God's linebacker, which makes sense since He smote Sodom and Gomorrah for having a good time and the Egyptians for giving the Jews a nice home.

Otto Man said...

Racktacular.

Nope said...

I can't wait for the Michael Vick and Jerramy Stevens movie "Dude, where's my weed".

I'm going to start a business that advises athletes and celebrities how to break the law and not get caught. The league can't do it, they don't condone things like drunken boat gambling sex parties(...fags). I'm gonna be rich.

Who's comin with me?

Rufus said...

Jerramy [sic] Stevens is a fool. What? That is how he spells his name?

Otto Man said...

I'm with you, Nope.

I know a lot of these pro athletes constantly complain about women who seduce them and then get pregnant, leading to massive financial and psychological burdens.

Well, I've discovered a super-secret device called a "con-dom" that can actually prevent pregnancies and thereby keep these guys from suffering.

cinnamon girl said...

or they could just keep it in their pants... oh wait, I remember now that they can't.

Grimey said...

"Con-dom"... see how the limeys are already infecting the site....

Otto Man said...

The con-dom will also protect against limey infections. There's nothing it can't do!

Jackin'4Beats said...

Tell us more about this...this...con-dom...is that what you young people call it?

And it can magically stop pregnancies even? Wow, tell me how I can get one. $59.99 you say, well sir that is a pittance to pay for a good night's rest indeed.

And lots of wild fondling of Mandy's boobs.

Lt. Winslow - funny, funny stuff.

Burnsy said...

If only a certain poster's parents were familiar with this "con-dom."

J.L. White said...

Wow, a latex con-dom.....sure would like to live in one of those!

wv: pkpkhg. No matter how many times you ask, blogsport, I'm not hugging Peter King. He's a little....grabby, if you c my d.

janie said...

C'mon people - enough limey-hating... I'm developing a serious persecution complex here. And a little sympathy would be nice because as I speak, my team are losing to Arsenal.

By the way, Mandy - your boobs are awesome.

MDG said...

I love English women cause they're easy. I do however hate the welsh. Why? Cause they're welsh.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Englishmen are easy too. Then again when no one will come near you because you haven't brushed your teeth since Princess Diana was still alive that makes you kind of desperate.

janie said...

Welsh = sheep-shaggers and inbreds. The only virgins in Wales are the girls that can run faster than their fathers.

English girls easy though? Not sure about that...

Quite right laser rocket arm - English men are a real turn-off and don't know what the fuck they're doing either. That's why I married a Latino.

Proinsias Cassidy said...

Wow. There are a lot of boobies on this "fag" intertubes ebay.

Jez said...

Hey Billy -

Personally, I didn't think Brett Favre looked that bad last year. As far as Rex Grossman vs. Brett Favre goes, at least Favre was good at one time in his career.

Personally, I've always wanted to meet Ray Lewis and ask him just exactly how hard is it to clean blood out of an Escalade. Oh wait, I forgot, they DIDN'T clean the blood up...

Garth O'Brien said...

He is a total clown. He is a disgrace. He is Koren Robinson incarnate. I was with the Seattle Prosecutors Office when he drove his car into the retirement home. I will leave my comments to that.

Welcome Marcus Pollard. Later J Stevens.

DUI Blog

Communist Dan said...

The post should be titled "In defense of a slightly chocolate looking version of Dave Attell."

Joe said...

Hey Mandy, spectacular chest!

God Hates Raiders Fans said...

I have cursed Stevens ever since he couldn't remember where he left his hands in that super debacle that they held in detroit.

I still contend Pittsburg didn't win that game the refs helped Seattle lose it.

Dsanchez said...

Liberace, Lance Bass, and Elton John think Stevens is gay.