Thursday, March 8, 2007

A Wounded Veteran at Walter Reed on Further Free Agent Activity


I noticed a few days ago Terri Schiavo was here covering NFL free agent signings. Shit, what I wouldn't do to get that kind of medical attention. Until this past week, I hadn't seen a nurse since January. And even then, she only wanted change for a twenty before she ran out to one of the myriad liquor stores on Georgia Avenue outside the facility.

I used to have to rely on the few newspapers strewn about my room to obscure the various cracks on the wall and rodent feces on the floor. I was hard-pressed gleaning any new info from them, seeing as how they were all four years old and I wasn't sure which of the ones on the wall weren't load-bearing papers. In this place, you can't be too sure.

But now with all the media ruckus of late, some senator who ignored my pleas for help for months showed up to give me this laptop. Not sure why that required eight cameramen, but, what the fuck, I'll take it. I've missed football. Even though I got back from Iraq in November, I wasn't able to follow any of the games thereafter. Last time I saw a nurse walk past my doorway, I asked her how the Patriots were doing. She stopped, took a long drag on a cigarette (didn't think you could smoke in a medical center) and muttered, "Patriot Act is great. You served your country, defended our freedoms and shit. You're a hero. Now pipe down and go to sleep." That was it. Should've said something about changing my bed pan.

So, now, let's see.

Leonard Davis to Dallas. Hmm, he's a big fat guy, and thus key to the Wade Phillips system. Patrick Kerney to the Seahawks. What about Jimbo and Nelson? Napoleon Harris to the Chiefs, Tully Banta-Cain to the Niners, Brad Johnson to play Nick Nolte for Terrell Owens in upcoming Cowboys buddy comedy, Joey Porter's half-shirted pit bulls to Miami, Luke Petitgout to the Bucs and Daniel Graham to the Broncos for entirely too much money.

Hey, they also signed Travis Henry. Why shell out big money when anyone could run for 1,000 yards in that system? Hell, I have no legs and I could do it.

Speaking of which, The Pentagon told me my leglessness is a preexisting condition that dates back to my childhood. According to them, I was always going to lose my legs. It's in the genes, like going bald. War just expedited the whole process, so they can't compensate me from my injury.

But I got this laptop.

25 comments:

The Costanzo said...

That's such a lie, no way the pentagon gives any of those guys a laptop ... Then they could find things like information on the ebays.

Mike said...

I think they give the soldiers laptops. Unfortunately they don't contain hard drives, monitors or functioning keyboards.

But the cases are very sweet.

Howie Feltersnatch said...

Now he'll be making his living rolling up & down New York subways cars on a skateboard singing "I have no legs! I have no legs!"

Otto Man said...

Patrick Kerney to the Seahawks. What about Jimbo and Nelson?

Well played.

And hey, who knew I had a doppleganger? And that his name would be Howie?

Unsilent Majority said...

No comment
-Tony Snow

Rob I said...

Be careful, Marcus Williams is prowling the halls of Walter Reed.

lieutenant winslow said...

sheets? a comforter? a window? 2 lamps!!!

uh, that pic AIN'T from Walter Reed guys.

Bulger in My Pants said...

Pfft, like Walter Reed has internet access.

Bulger in My Pants said...

sheets? a comforter? a window? 2 lamps!!!

uh, that pic AIN'T from Walter Reed guys.


And he clearly doesn't need the laptop, he's got a perfectly good desktop on his desk. With a flat panel monitor no less. Even I don't have that! Those limbless soldiers get all the breaks.

Happy Fun Miles said...

He'd be an upgrade at RB in Baltimore over Jamal Lewis.

Must be some awfully good blow in Cleveland.

Otto Man said...

Must be some awfully good blow in Cleveland.

I think they showed Lewis a photo of Cleveland after the last snowstorm, and let him jump to his own conclusions.

Burnsy said...

If I had no legs I would use my nubs to pleasure women.

Rob I said...

Still no Ricky Manning Jr jokes? Fuckers.

The Last Unitard said...

Rub some rat feces on them stumps and see if they don't grow right back.

Jackin'4Beats said...

That G.I.'s so damn ungrateful...I mean we gave him load bearing papers for Christ's sake. He better pipe down before a shotgun magically goes off and he loses his arms too. Let's see him use that new laptop with no arms.

- Dick Cheney

wv: oduttys: Sounds like an Irish-Jamaican dance or something.

wrecking_ball said...

Sometimes, you go to rehab with the hospital you have, not the hospital you want.

Lousy fucks.

Chamomiles Davis said...

So, let's see... our leaders can rally us into invading a country under one of several reasons of questionable accuracy, but the poor bastards who have to actually go and get the job done can't get decent treatment from these same leaders when they get back?

Every car I see with a "Bush/Cheney" sticker gets keyed from this point forward, no exceptions.

Signal to Noise said...

chamomiles - Please pick up your membership card and extra large key at the desk.

Chris said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chris said...

Joey Porter and I have atleast one thing in common. We both own vicious pitbulls.

http://i98.photobucket.com/albums/l250/marlboroman82/rox.jpg

twoeightnine said...

What good is a laptop if you don't have a lap?

save the steagles said...

Christmas Ape makes me want to read the newspaper beyond just the Life and Sports section. I demand more Christmas Ape. Yay green beer! Ysay steelers!

save the steagles said...

seriously christmas apse is my reason for living. you are wonderful and taletned. i am porboably shoudldn't be riting this drubk. yay chritsmas ape!

Son of Brasky said...

Gents, please leave the politics to the hacks OUTSIDE of the sports blogosphere. I've already got sports illustrated trying to convince me that sports as we know it will now end because of this global warming bullshit. I'd much prefer reporting on Tom Brady and his mutant seed.

Walklett said...

Twoeightnine beat me to the lap joke.

Stumptop?