Friday, March 23, 2007

KSK Mock Draft:
These Are Our Countries, Rd. 2

Each week leading up to the draft, we at KSK will be holding a mock draft of our own in the category of our choosing. This week, we are drafting countries, pre-divided parcels of LAND! It's the only thing they're not making more of, or some shit.

The rules here: Only currently existing nations may be selected (sorry, Austria-Hungary). The United States is off limits. Some elaborate description of how and why you would pillage that nation's resources/people/geopolitical characteristics is required.

The Order: Ape, UM, CC, Drew, flub, MMP.

Serpentine format, so MMP leads off for Round 2.

NOTE: There is one semi-NSFW image below. Scroll with caution.

You can read Round 1 here.

Round 2

MMP: 7. Sweden


Lots of skiing, hockey, and blonde women. That welfare state bullshit will have to be phased out and I'll probably have to off a few bankers before they embrace the euro, but we can worry about that after we assassinate Bjork.

CC: Iceland, Sweden. Potayto, potahto.

MMP: I know Bjork is from Iceland, Mr. 20th Amendment. That's why we're killing her.

That, and that dress.

flub: 8. Lesotho.

I'm picking Lesotho here. Not because I have any interest in ever setting foot there, but because I am convinced South Africa would pony up some serious Krugerrands (or maybe even Charlize Theron) to buy it from me.

I mean, what if there was some small independent country right in the middle of the continental US? It would piss us off big time.

UM: You mean texas?

Drew: 9. The United Kingdom.

An absolute steal. While the sun may now occasionally set on the
British Empire, I still get the British VI's as part of the deal. And
I can use the British Army to "reaffirm" ownership of Ireland and
Scotland, maybe rifle down a few rock-throwing protesters in the mix.

I'd get all the smoked salmon I could eat, all the Guiness and
Caffrey's I could drink, all the best golf courses in the universe,
and I could have Prince William murdered (preferably in a tower with
his brother in an homage to Richard III) and claim Kate Middleton for
myself. Grrrrr!!!!

http://img.timeinc.net/people/i/2006/stylechannel/blog/060911/kate_middleton_300x400.jpg

Oh, and I could shut down the Arseblog.

MMP: For your information, there is plenty of historic golfing in Sweden.

UM: I have a bad feeling that CC is about to scoop my pick.

CC: 10. Argentina.

Not my ideal second-round draft pick, but if I'm going to be owning countries, I'm damn sure going to need a bountiful source of Latinas, and Argentina has a nice combination of retaining the Latina sexiness while actually descending from Spaniards and Italians. HOTT!

(Colombia almost got the nod because of all the cocaine, but it's got that whole civil-strife / cartel violence / kidnapping of rich people thing I wouldn't want to be a part of.)

Anyway, lots of great things about owning Argentina: Lujan Fernandez; Buenos Aires; cheerleaders in tear-away skirts; lots of beaches and variegated geography and climate so I don't get bored; and the ability to wear the sweet Argentine soccer jersey and not be a poseur.

I could probably even have Manu Ginobili and his family killed. Oh, and Argentina has an undisputed land claim over Antarctica. Who wants penguin steak?

Also Argentine: Carolina Ardohain.

UM: 11. UAE

In one word: Dubai


I would bulldoze all of the other emirates (too cool for states?) and turn the land into desert golf resorts and synagogues. Dubai itself is too bountiful to pass up. Their government established free zones have resulted in an economic boom that makes oil money look passe. Of course the first thing to catch your eye is their ostentatious architecture, and who wouldn't want to play a game of rooftop tennis overlooking the Gulf of Oman. They've built their own fucking island in the likeness of a palm tree and now just look at what the Donald is about to build. Hey Trump, Georgia O'Keeffe thinks that's a bit on the nose.

CC: Any selection of any country in the Middle East for any other reason than turning it into a parking lot is a foolish pick.

UM: It's only Dubai I care about, the rest of place would be as good as gone.

flub: Once we kick our oil addiction, the UAE will disappear into the sand like the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

UM: I really just want to play tennis on the insane rooftop...oh and the golf is amazing.

Ape: Argentina is a great pick. And the only reason I got to go to Buenos
Aires last summer is because I was dating one of those Jewish
Argentine girls whose family, though resides in Florida (ugh), owns a
home in BA (yay!).

Ape: 12. Israel.



If we can't pick the U.S., I'll just pick the country that controls
the U.S. All of my citizens (subjects?) are potential troops and I
have a ton of firepower. Also, Israeli girls, though in my experience
fairly stuck-up, are reliably hot.

UM: You can take over Israel all you want, the UN will just keep giving it back to the chosen people.

Coming Up: Round 3

59 comments:

BeaverFever said...

BBD, you might also want to think about closing the "chunnel" that connects england and France in order to keep the French out of England.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I've been to France twice and enjoyed it immensely, so the Chunnel stays open.

Mike said...

The women in Buenos Aires are the hottest on earth.

Chris said...

I thought someone would have drafted France by now just so they annex all the French people to some remote island in the Pacific.

BeaverFever said...

if you say so BDD, it's your draft. I've never been to France my-self, but a few friends of mine have said it was their least favorite European country. Oh well, onto round 3. I'm still waiting to see who picks up Spain.

Big Daddy Drew said...

France has great food, great wine, and Laetitia Casta. That tends to offset its overall douchebaggery.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

The Netherlands is getting the Aaron Rodgers treatment.

Sh!tShow said...

two rounds and no netherlands? and someone throw a pity pick at Canada, they can fight with those hockey sticks, and have Montreal.

BeaverFever said...

let's not forget the fries, toast, bread, and dressing that France is also famous for. Oh, and the french tickler and maid outfits.

is laetitia casta, that hot news reporter ? if yes, she might be enough to offset everything that is wrong with France.

Mike said...

Netherlands, Spain, Germany, France all getting dissed. More weed, beer, wine & hot chicks in those places than you can count. Yet they remain undrafted.

Meanwhile Lesotho buys 16 Bentleys with its signing bonus. No. Justice.

cinnamon girl said...

@beaverfever: Not to get overly simplistic, but what about their kissing? I always liked that too.

Big Daddy Drew said...

This is Ms. Casta (NSFW)

Unsilent Majority said...

beaver, where's your creativity? It's not like I can't easily buy French wine and Belgian beer in Japan.

BeaverFever said...

@cinnamon girl

agreed on the kissing. i always seem to forget the obvious.

btw, thanks for the pic BDD

BeaverFever said...

@UM, you bring up very good points. you could buy those in japan. along with many other things i'm sure.

creativity is not my strong point. come to think of it i'm not sure if i have any strong points.

Josh said...

you boys lost me at killing Bjork. stick to sports...and models...and weapons...and overthrowing countries.

Signal to Noise said...

How Spain and the Netherlands are still undrafted perplexes me. I love the U.K. for beer, but the food and lax attitude to dentistry make them third rounders to me.

CC - not only Spanish and Italian descent in Argentina, but don't forget the German blood that mixed in when the Nazis escaped there. Triple hot.

Biggus Rickus said...

Germany would have been a second round steal. In fact, I'd have taken it first overall. You get an industrious and efficient populace with loose morals and a tradition of ass-kicking. While Hitler wasted these assets by being a dick and biting off more than he could chew, that doesn't mean you'd make the same mistake. Stay out of Russia, don't kill Jews and other unsavories and avoid the Brits (as the US would undoubtedly defend them) and you can have pretty much all of continental Europe within five years. Drafting Germany is like drafting 20 countries at once.

Joep Smeets said...

Couldnt agree more with you Mike. To think it wouldnt even have been that much of a stretch to draft the holy mediterrean trinity (Ok, so the north of france is poisoned by its concrete landscape and border to Belgium, but the south...)

Meanwhile we here in the Netherlands are starting to find out what it must be like to be Matt Leinart.

Awful Chief said...

If those swede women moved to the US, soccer would take fucking root.

BeaverFever said...

btw, melissa theuriau is the hot french newsacaster i was thinking of. not as hot as letitia casta , but hot none the less.

http://www.melissa-theuriau.fr/

Bad Barbecue said...

India would be a great 3rd round steal. The 2nd most populous place on earth. That is many, many people to do you your bidding. Yes there is unbelievable poverty but poor people can be killed with minimum sympathy. They have Bollywood. You can just have people say stuff and laugh for hours. They have that midget who dances. They have the damn Kama Sutra.

Burnsy said...

Paris kicks ass. I got hammered drunk there in high school, took a dump in a weird urinal thing they had going in one of the bars and then I passed out on the sidewalk.

Captain Caveman said...

Let' put a stop to this Netherlands talk RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

Have some imagination, people. We're going to OWN these countries. You think we wouldn't legalize pot and organize sex shows? You gotta start thinking like the Gay Mafia.

Sean said...

Normally I wouldn't nitpick, but you spelled my raison d'etre incorrectly -- Guinness, not Guiness

Unsilent Majority said...

did biggus just call jews unsavory?

Dan said...

Canadian plug - hockey is underrated, whiskey and beer is prime, Montreal has the hottest strippers and clubs, Vancouver has the best weed, skiing is top-notch and the women are bred for beauty (see: Sloan from Entourage). Now everyone can call me an inbred hoser eh?

janie said...

You must be crazy Drew - bad food, crappy weather, stupid sports, joyless bloody people etc.

Mind you, if you agree to get rid of the rest of the parasites along with Wills and Harry, you're welcome to the place - I'll even throw in the Isle of Wight.

The Chunnel HAS to close though, otherwise the surrender monkeys on the other side of it will bring Germany through with them while waving their white flags next time we have a jolly old war in Europe.

Big Daddy Drew said...

You make good points dan, except for the fact that Canada is FUCKING COLD.

devang said...

People, please don't annoy the pasty Marine with a semi-automatic rifle. He's right.

Unsilent Majority said...

whiskey and beer is prime

hahahahahaha! yeah, because when i want a tasty beverage all that comes to mind is canadian club and a moosehead.

prime my ass.

devang said...

You make good points dan, except for the fact that Canada is FUCKING COLD.

So's Sweden

BeaverFever said...

@UM, i read biggus' post the same way. does sound like he the calls the Jews unsavory. Jews are not unsavory, now the gypsies on the other hand.

@dan, don't underestimate the strip joints on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. very nice, we like to refer to it as "the Canadian Ballet"

Dan said...

UM and BDD, fine points. But we only export the shit liquor.

devang said...

What no Switzerland? I can understand that.

Combination of French snootiness, German humor, their army not having a fucking clue where to go, I can understand.

But they do have the untold billions of various dictators and despots of the world. Yay blood money!!

grungedave said...

I was born in Dubai... nice choice! Of course, I was born there before they had anything other than a lot of sand.

Jizzy McPoo said...

i know that Mexico is America's toilet, but you have access to all of the cocaine routes from Columbia plus lots and lots of weed. It's also legal to go to a pharmacy and purchase ketamine. Plus, i think it would be cool to be called El Presidente.

Biggus Rickus said...

I meant it in the good way.

Unsilent Majority said...

jesus christ commenters...WE CAN LEGALIZE DRUGS IF WE WANT TO!!! We don't have to go to some shithole to get some coke if we wanted it.

Rob I said...

Let me tell you about this great Lesothoan (Lesothoese?) porno I once saw...

Also, where's the love for the Netherlands?

devang said...

Rob, you're wandering into Clint territory

janie said...

Rob, you already put people off breakfast - please let them enjoy lunch at least!

Mike said...

CC - Amsterdam's about more than the legalized weed. The city is cooler than shit. I love walking around that place.

(Then again, I've never walked around Amsterdam without being stoned off my goard. So . . .)

devang said...

Janie,

How's Villa these days?

the chief said...

@bad barbeque: Right on. Really, no India yet? The ladies are hot, everything tastes like saffron*, and you can shit in the streets to your heart's and anus' content. Plus you've got nukes to aim at Pakistan (hider of terrorists) and plenty of peaceful buddhists to help you calibrate those warheads.

*Note: my only experience with anything called Saffron is a generous and friendly stripper with big cans, so this might not be what i think it is.

Unsilent Majority said...

Saffron is more of a Persian thing. Your likely to see tons of saffron dishes in Iran but India is typically known for curry and tamarind flavors.

as for the point that India is draft worthy. They still have the Plague!

Walklett said...

Penguin steaks sound mighty tasty.

janie said...

devang - Villa are just horrible as ever. 13th in the table and not enough points to be out of relegation danger. Sigh. Still no sign of Randy Lerner's cash either.

BeaverFever said...

Cuba would be a sleeper pick if it wasn't run by a communist dictator. back before Castro the place had hopping night clubs, casinos, and beaches. Cuban food is great, great cigars, nice warm weather, and once again the ladies are easy to look at. I'm a sucker for brunettes with a tan. not to mention how close it is to the U.S. Ton of potential down there. btw, this is not intended to be a plotical statement.

Rob I said...

If I owned Cuba, I'd ban smoking just to piss off all the Cubans. This also is not intended to be a plotical statement.

BeaverFever said...

i meant political. sometimes my keyboard doesn't work the way it should.

Unsilent Majority said...

Well if somebody drafted cuba it would mean they'd take over the country

no more castro

moinllieon said...

Why bother with drafting Lesotho to get South Africa's money and chicks? Why not just take South Africa?

FenwayFaithful78 said...

What about Tanzania-Zanzibar has bitchin beaches: http://www.tropicaltrails.com/images/zanzibar.gif

And you knows those women are just dying for KSK gay mafia to come and tell them to take off their hijabs.

FenwayFaithful78 said...

UM I don't think some "get" it yet. Be patient- the three martini lunch takes its toll.

BeaverFever said...

@UM, i think i'm a little slower than usual today. i forgot that after drafting the country you could make all the changes you wanted.

BeaverFever said...

@fenwayfaithful78, i wish i could blame it on the 3 martini lunch. i have no excuse and now feel shame.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Fuck that, CC. The Netherlands is frickin' sweet.

I mean, Flub's drafting Lesotho just so he can sell it? How is that any different?

quisqueya said...

what the fuck is this anti castro shit going on here. i guess comments only come from the red states, bunch of racist bitches. bolivia is the best country by far, coca leaves are part of the everyday meal like fucking potatoes.