Monday, March 5, 2007

Terri Schiavo Looks At
Some Early Free Agent Signings


Hello? HELLO! Wow, hey, you can hear me! Sweet, because I'm getting sick of all these doctors just staring at me. Get them the fuck out of here. And before CNN comes back, could somebody give me a real haircut for fuck's sake? Something kinda mod, you know, understated. Like a Mariska Hargitay, maybe. Mmm, damn, she's hot. I'd eat walnuts out of that bitch's ass. That is, if the walnuts could fit through this fucking feeding tube.

So Adalius Thomas going to New England is a pretty big deal. That's just what they needed: a large, black man to help carry Bruschi off the field after his next stroke. It sounds like New England's also going to get Fire-Cracker Wes Welker signed to an offer sheet. Or maybe they're just going to implant fingers onto Reche Caldwell's eyeballs. Either one works for me, really.

It looks like Joey Porter--hey, will you get that fucking balloon out of my face? I'm trying to talk some fucking football, get it out--yeah, yeah, I see the fucking balloon. Get that shit outta here. Assholes. Anyway, a lot of teams will be making a run at everyone's favorite insane Negro, Joey Porter. My word, that is one scary man. And he's such an incredible physical specimen to boot. I once heard that his dick is so big, it has its own ACL. Heaven hopes he brings the KY Jelly if he finds his way into my room.

Nate Clements will be the first defensive Ten Million Dollar A Year Man in the NFL's history. Whatever. I doubt he'll reach the ass-end of that deal, but the bitches will hear "eighty million dollars" and be impressed. He's guaranteed $22 mil out of that. The only downside is that now he has to play for San Franciso. Shit's expensive there.

And what's the deal with Dre Bly and Dan Wilkinson. Seems like those guys switch teams every--

Wha-what are you doing? Hey, don't pull that tube out! My food comes in through that motherfucker! Put that tube back! FUCK! FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

You guys are gonna put that back, right?

26 comments:

Nope said...

What's really funny is that this is the most media coverage she's gotten in a while.

lieutenant winslow said...

I cannot even begin to tell how comforting & reassuring it is to me to know that I will not be spending eternity in the lake of fire all by my lonesome.

Communist Dan said...

Further proof that anybody with mashed potatoes and pudding for brains could very easily do the job of Michael Irvin, Phil Simms, and Shannon Sharpe combined.

Weed Against Speed said...

Terri Schaivo...wow.

Or, as she would put it, "ahhrrrhhhoaaaarrh".

I'll also be seeing you guys in hell, Lieutenant and Punter.

I rape red sox fans said...

Yum, pudding.

I assume the charter bus for hell is picking up all of us here?

Danny G said...

I'd hit it

Big Jim Slade said...

I'm sorry, but that is just wrong and uncalled for. No way Nate Clements is worth that much.

Cedrick said...

You guys are seriously going to hell for this.

What? No, I didn't find it funny - I was laughing at something else.

casserolemistake said...

who's next on the topical hitlist, baby jessica reporting live from the bottom of a well?

you could do a carlos mencia free agency update and copy and paste one of adam schefter's reports.

Grimey said...

The crew of the Challenger thinks that went too far.

Otto Man said...

you could do a carlos mencia free agency update and copy and paste one of adam schefter's reports.

Well played.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I smell a frame here. I bet MMP was put up to writing this by Drew or UM. Maybe Falco came back from the dead and forced MMP to do it.

BeaverFever said...

a post from the sting ray that killed steve irwin can't be that far behind this one.

Monday Morning Punter said...

That's it, Sloth. The one-armed man wrote this post. I'm totally innocent.

Robert said...

Too soon! Ah, who the fuck am I kidding? That was fucking hilarious. Plus, she makes a hell of an analyst: She can probably sympathize with Cleveland's offense, having been in a persistent vegatitive state for several years.

Chris said...

Sloth I think it's kinda like the SP episode where Cartman ate the remains of Kenny. I believe that MMP was force against his will by Falco to type that.

Robert said...

I snorted some coffee out my nose at the second "Hello"

J.L. White said...

Bill Frist is not surprised that Terry is so knowlegable about the ineer workings of the NFL. Seriously, get her out of that hospital bed, and mike her up for today's SportsCenter airing!

J said...

Too bad Anna Nicole isn't quite sharp enough to be Terri's Dan Fouts.

Hawkins said...

I'm getting the petition started to have Terry Schiavo's corpse replace Shannon Sharpe

Bulger in My Pants said...

I assume the charter bus for hell is picking up all of us here?

I think this is one of those special circumstances in which Satan himself comes to collect your filthy souls fresh from your still warm bodies and gives you a personal escort into the pit of fire.

steakumms said...

Hey, timely! Maybe next week you can do a Branch Davidian fantasy league or a Squeaky Fromme mock draft!

Oops Pow Surprise said...

That is an incredibly lucid and well-thought-out analysis, and I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I hope we hear from you for a long, long time.

--Dr. Frist

Shoopmonster said...

Why in the hell wasn't I supposed to make any jokes about James Dungy? I think this post makes that suggestion null and void.

Clint said...

I'd hit it

the butler said...

The Pats are going so crazy with their money because they know Welker can play nine positions. He won't be on the sideline one single time all year long.

He might have to join 'ol Terri after this season is over.