We had a tough time choosing this week’s KSK mock draft. I was a big fan of drafting fruit. Punter thought the idea of drafting fruit was retarded. Which is why I liked it to begin with. Then we considered last meals, only everyone ended up picking different cuts of steak (and UM insisted on including some froufrou wine). So that was out. Porn stars? YOU try finding images of porn stars that are SFW. It’s a bitch. Ice cream flavors? I would have stabbed anyone who took mint chocolate chip first.
Superheroes? Too nerdy.
People we’d want to write our autobiography? Too gay.
Hangover cures? Too obvious.
Movies that should be banned? Too played.
Deadspin commenters? Too meta.
Beers? Too broad.
Board Games We’d Choose If Death Awaited The Loser? Eh, okay. Why not.
Okay, so the rules are: you will play another random person at this board game. If you lose, you will fucking die. On the spot. Like a seal being eaten by a shark. The order: Punter, CC, UM, flubby, me, Ape. Serpentine draft. My… my… my serpenteeeeeeeen!
Round 1, Pick 1 – Punter – Stratego
“Military strategy game is a composite of chess, war (the card game), and capture-the-flag. You can set your pieces any way you choose, and then attack. An awesome board game in its day, and one that would be quite appropriate to play with one's life in the balance.”
I suck at this game. Needless to say, it was not on my draft board.
Round 1, Pick 2 – CC – Scrabble
“Hey, I'm playing for my fucking life. I'm going with the game where I'm undefeated for the last four years. As long as I'm not playing Stefan Fatsis I should be good to go.”
I would fucking murder Ufford at Scrabble. And I’d kick Bill Simmons’ ass, too. Even if he cheated, and there’s evidence he’s just that big of a douchebag. Plus, I have the advantage of knowing that “qi” and “za” were just added to the official word list. Winner: Drew
Round 1, Pick 3 – UM – Trivial Pursuit
“In a life and death situation I can always fall back on my encyclopedic knowledge of trivial bits of knowledge.”
I too am quite good at Trivial Pursuit, unless it’s one of those original sets from the 80’s where half the geography questions were about Canada and the “Entertainment” category asked only questions about films made prior to 1942. And whenever I landed on “Sports and Leisure”, I always end up getting a leisure question. How many pegs are on a cribbage board? Fuck you, that’s my answer.
Round 1, Pick 4 – flubby – Dominoes
“Dominoes. I can play the hell out of some dominoes. Plus, I can make an ASCII double-six domino. Check it out: [:::|:::]
Man, am I talented.”
Then flubby did a double one:
“[ · | · ] SKILLZ MOTHERFUCKER!!!!”
I’m pretty sure dominoes isn’t a board game, but I’ll let it pass.
Round 1, Pick 5 – Me – Monopoly
“But only if we put $500 in Free Parking and allow multiple hotel
building. And I get to be the dog. Then I can seize New York Avenue,
throw three hotels in there, and then squeal with delight as opponents
roll a 7, think they've hit Free Parking, only to realize they counted
spaces wrong and are now buttfucked. You just dealt with the dawg,
Punter vehemently objected to my house rules:
“THERE'S NO MONEY IN FREE PARKING IN THE REAL GAME THAT'S BULLSHIT!!”
Round 1, Pick 6 – Ape – Clue
“Like, Monopoly, you have to play with at least four people or it's too damn easy. Also, it has to be the Master Detective version. Fuck the purists. There's more stuff, meaning it's more difficult. And communism was just a red herring.”
The best ending to the “Clue” movie? The third one. The second one, where Mrs. Peacock killed them all, was bullshit.
Round 2, Pick 7 – Ape – Jenga
“I can utilize my surgical precision of motion without sticking my hand in some dude, as in Operation.”
God, I suck at Operation. Good call.
Round 2, Pick 8 – Me – Cranium
“Okay, so the drawing something with your eyes closed part is fucking
impossible, and I hate trying to sculpt shit out of that fucking clay,
but I can handle the rest of the game fairly well.”
Round 2, Pick 9 – flubby – Backgammon
“I just can’t think of anything interesting to say about backgammon.”
Is this a board game? I think it’s usually played inside a briefcase. Flubby continues to flirt with the rules. Anarchist.
Round 2, Pick 10 – UM – GO
“With my life hanging in the balance I like the idea of a zero-sum battle of the minds. Oh Jesus, I'm going to die.”
I’ve never heard of this game. It looks like Othello, only even more head-splitting.
Round 2, Pick 11 – CC – Risk
“Nobody has the stamina and patience to ever finish a damn game, which means it's highly unlikely that I'll lose. Plus this gives commenters the chance to re-heat the predictable and and not terribly funny "Ukraine strong!" joke from Seinfeld. Also, I love saying the word Kamchatka.”
Man, CC loves his readers.
Round 2, Pick 12 – Punter – The Dark Tower
“This game is pretty fucking sweet. The tower was computerized. You killed people, bought food, killed some more people, and then roamed some countryside and shit. Plus, Pegasus is in the game! I don't see no Pegasus in fucking Monopoly, that's for gaddam sure.
This was my favorite game as a kid, even though I only won one time. The fact that it is so obscure gives me a critical edge.”
It’s like World of Warcraft, only REAL! And plastic!
Round 3, Pick 13 – Punter – Scene It (Movie Version)
“Yes, there's a DVD in it, but there's also cards, and it is played on a board. Plus, the game is so damn easy. It's not uncommon for me to pull it out when a party dies down and ask, ‘How about me against everyone?'”
Punter also asks this question when he walks into sporting goods stores and Taco Bells.
Round 3, Pick 14 – CC – Pass The Pigs
“Okay, so there's no board, but nobody objected to dominoes, so this damn well better get a pass. Pass the Pigs is the absolute balls. I love this game, and I will absolutely lie and cheat to win. However, we'd have to play best-of-nine in order to make sure the best player (me) won. Otherwise a pair of cold pigs could cause my untimely death.”
I’ve never heard of this game. “Pass the Pigs” sounds like some kind of game baseball players play with slumpbusters.
Round 2, Pick 15 – UM – Knock Hockey
“I was going to go in a different direction but if Pass the motherfucking Pigs is a board game then the field opens up a bit. You can try to beat me in knock hockey, but you will undoubtably go home humbled.”
Round 2, Pick 16 – flubby – Yahtzee
“I used to play with my grandmother when I was a little kid. I think I still got the skills if my life depended on it.“
And flubby goes three rounds without picking an actual board game. You gotta love Kentuckians.
Round 2, Pick 17 – Me – Rail Baron
“Want to go from Miami to Seattle? Better pay my track fee, bitch. No
one rides for free when I own the Sante Fe AND the Union Pacific. Not
even the hoboes. They get shot first.”
Round 2, Pick 18 – Ape – Gnip Gnop
"Because I wanted to pick something really gnay. That and all the board games in which I'm even marginally skilled have been taken, I'd take one that totally haphazard. I'd pick Battleship if I wanted something cooler, but I always lose."
When you think about it, Battleship is just a more masculine version of Go Fish. But hey, everyone loves imitating the old ad when they’re battleship gets sunk. Also, everyone always chooses the red pegs. The white pegs are for homos. I liked the deluxe edition of Battleship that made actual sounds when your shit got hit. I only wish the horrible screams of sailors burning to death had also been included.
And there’s your draft. You’ll notice none of us picked chess. Says a lot about us as a group, and that is that we aren’t Asian. I’m sure we missed a few. Your picks in the comments. Next week’s draft promises to be a doozy.