Tuesday, March 13, 2007

“The dirt of gossip blows into my face and the dust of rumors covers me.”

In the off-season, idle talk spreads like wildfire. What, Gentle Reader, are you to believe? Once again, KSK helps sort the fact from fiction. Sadly, we can’t help with those rumors about you floating around your office. It's not our fault you got shit-faced at the Christmas party and then made out with that pig from Accounting.

Rumor: Shaun Alexander didn’t get laid until he got married at age 24.

Fact: We hoped this wasn’t true, but Shaun admits it in his autobiography. Pro football is nasty, brutish business and there are only two reasons to get involved: crazy scrilla and wild, naked tit-tays. Sounds like Shaun was leaving half the mammon on the table.


Would KSK recycle a joke? You bet your sweet ass we would.

Rumor: Peyton Manning made a cool $200,000 for going to a Sweet Sixteen party.

Fact: The jury is still out on this one. Peyton insists despite numerous claims to the contrary that it wasn’t a Sweet Sixteen. Why would he lie about it? Is he afraid America will think he is dorky? Too late, sunshine, that ship has sailed. However, we have confirmed that Eli Manning is available for birthdays and bat mitzvahs in his persona of Sparkles the Clown for $8.50 an hour. He will also appear as Eli, the NY Giant quarterback for $7.50 an hour, but we hear there aren’t many takers.


Rumor: Zygi Wilf wants the Vikings to lose so he can move them out of Minnesota.

Fact: Our first thought is to reject this notion out of hand. You can’t blame anyone for wanting the hell out of that desolate, depressing hinterland, but Wylf seems like an earnest guy. Then he went and gave Butterfingers Bobby Wade $15 million to try to catch the passes Taveres Jackson will be throwing at his feet. There may be something to this one.


Rumor: Lance Briggs is a dick.

Fact: Yeah, big time.


Rumor: Richie Anderson pays for pussy.

Fact: We went straight to the source on this. Richie says it is purely a case of mistaken identity. “There is this dude who looks just like me. I’m always getting blamed for shit he does. When I get my hands on that fucker, it will be on like Donkey Kong.” We were kind of skeptical until we saw the picture. Now we think Richie may have been framed.

Who would you rather do, Richie or Gazoo? Both at once? Ladies...?

Rumor: Some wuss soccer blog beat out KSK for the 2007 Best Sports Bloggie.

Fact: Sadly this is true, but they don’t have the witty raconteurs and exquisitely beracked commenters that we do. So those guys can go choke on a bagful of monkey-cock.

34 comments:

Rob I said...

Arseblog's for Clints.

Danny G said...

Shaun Alexander didn't get laid until 24? Even Brady Quinn thinks that's gay.

Catchy Nickname said...

Zygi Wilf must be a slick businessman if he's consulting the Rachel Phelps' Guide to Franchise Mismanagement. Maybe they can bring "Wild Thing" Vaughn in to play QB. I wonder if Brad Childress sells tires in the offseason, ala Lou Brown. They'll need plenty of tires for the moving vans.

What the hell is up with Richie Anderson's head? Should you even be required to wear a helmet if your dome is that big? He could give Dreamboat a run for his money when it comes to forehead acreage.

Jamie Mottram said...

Show of hands: who had heard and knew the meaning of the word "raconteur" before the band broke last year? I for one, had/did not.

The Last Unitard said...

Not cool.

I had a friend who died from choking on monkey cock.

lieutenant winslow said...

i'm sorry, i kinda zoned out after "wild naked tit-ays"

Rob I said...

I knew 'raconteur' because I took French in high school.

I'm not bragging. After all, who brags about taking French in high school?

Jackin'4Beats said...

crazy scrilla and wild, naked tit-tays

Fo sho'...fo sho'

Shaun, you sure missed out on a lot of sweet Woo-Tang my man. Although, I'm sure the crazy scrilla is coming in handy in sunny and warm Seattle.

No way he'll win the Shawn Kemp award for most illegitimate children now...

Mike said...

Raconteur is when a big-titted singer goes on the road, right?

Awful Chief said...

Tout le monde en veut! je me deteste.

Burnsy said...

Rumor: Rachel Nichols is 3-foot-2 and was born with both male and female genitalia.

Fact: Erin Andrews' snooch smells like fresh petunias.

becky said...

*sigh*
of course it falls to ME to be the token KSK ho.
fine...if I must...
Gazoo. obv. cuz he's clearly frickayyyy.
(note: it goes without saying that the proper response is neither.)

Captain Caveman said...

I, too, had heard of "raconteur" pre-Raconteurs. But that's because I'm one of those wordsmithing literati homos.

Otto Man said...

Is there any truth to the rumor that Zygi Wilf and Zack Wylde will be appearing this summer together on the Monsters of Consonants Tour?

The word verification thing sure hopes so: "wkmhjz!"

The Intern said...

I would say Richie Anderson looks a little more like Ken Griffey Jr. after drinking too much nerve tonic in the Simpsons company softball game episode. But that's just me.

Ruthless Gravity said...

Richie Anderson: Aborted Fetus
as
Payton Manning: Fetus

Bulger in My Pants said...

I would rather have my pussybasket ripped out than open my legs for Richie or Gazoo. Is Jeremy Shockey a choice? Because... yes, please.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Gazoo, because you know he uses those antennae to do some very freaky things.

mamacita said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Clutch247 said...

Intern, you took the words right out of my mouth.

"It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited."

Robert said...

I knew what raconteur meant because I took english in High School.

xtremextine said...

WOW 7.50 for eli manning! i get paid 8 an our. i can OWN HIM and have .50 cents left before taxes! And if i own him i'd get his salary. oh this sound like a good plan to me.

Bulger in My Pants said...

WOW 7.50 for eli manning! i get paid 8 an our. i can OWN HIM

Yeah, but then you'd have some dopey looking, karaoke singing, hick retard who pays for sex hanging around all the time. Worth it? I think not.

Clint said...

Some wuss soccer blog beat out KSK for the 2007 Best Sports Bloggie.

You guys are going down hill unfortunately. I don't know what it is lately, I can't put my finger on it. The 7th grade humor and sarcasm can only make one laugh so many times. Try more analysis.

Clint said...

Rob i- stop being such a little dick or I'll take away your comment invite privlidges, you queef.

Richard said...

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Arseblog rules! NFL is for wimps.

Mayor McRib said...

Soccer is a sport?

Jools said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jools said...

You bet your bottom, that soocer (or to give it its proper name FOOTBALL) is a sport.

Arseblog rules

Perhaps you pansies need to take your padding off and play a proper contact sport

Mike said...

A man named "jools" just used "proper" twice in a 5 line post.

(As well as betting his bottom and misspelling "soccer.")

I rest my case.

Mayor McRib said...

I did play soccer....when I was 5

Chamomiles Davis said...

If soccer's a sport, how come I've never heard of it?

Clint said...

All the soccer players I went to college with were no better than boy scouts--they all ended up in the woods or mountain somewhere pumping eachother in the ass.

And if you're a boy scout, sorry you're a fag too.

Becky said...

I just love seeing my little Alexander/Hamburger comparison illustrated, and I'd be happy to see it 18 times a year.

Everybody wants some, I want some too...