Friday, March 2, 2007

The Science Of Objectifying Women

If I could just have all the guys listen up for a second.

Fellas, I'll be honest with you here. I feel like if I don't supply you with a picture that leaves you workin' the gerkin, I consider myself a failure. I realize that all of us are different. I realize that some of us out there are scoring regular ass, and that some of us are holding more sausage than a Meat Lovers' Pizza. And, some of us, the wily elite, are doing both.

I realize that for you awesomely sick fuckers out there in Groups 1 (or 3), this picture may make or break your weekend, as you certainly have no shot of being stimulated accordingly in the outside world.

Or so you may believe.

Fellas, I bring to you today a great innovation, an Equalizer, if you will, that could improve your chances of contact with a girl. I call it the Science of Objectifying Women. It was gonna go straight to paperback, but it's only about a page long, and so I present it here. Consider it your new scientific system for scoring sweet sensible snatch.

Observe The Woman. How you select the woman is up to you. Watch her walk around and stuff. Listen to her talk to her friends. Make note of her ass, tits, and boobs. Hide behind a large object if necessary, such as a tree, or lamp post if you are very skinny.

Describe The Woman To Your Friends. Review the mental details you have collected during your observation. One of your friends may know the woman already, and have additional insight to contribute. Be sure to mention the ass, tits, and boobs during your discussion. If you don't have any friends, store the information in a notebook or .txt file for easy retrieval.

Find The Woman And Introduce Yourself. If your introduction is successful, the woman will begin talking to you. You can remember what she says to you, but that's totally optional. You could also order her some Women's Wear from the KSK online apparel shop and bring it to her as a gift. This eases the progression to the next step.

Take Her Someplace For Sex. It doesn't have to be a bedroom. It doesn't even have to be a room. Cars, driveways, her roommate's closet, and behind swimming pools are great places for sex. The location should be kept secret until you are starting the Sexing process. She may complain at first. This is normal.

Interpret Data And Draw Conclusions That Serve As A Starting Point For Your Next Conquest. Some of your bullshit didn't go over so well there. Time to ditch those plays and come up with some fresh shit. At this point the woman may start visiting and/or telephoning you. If you have spent $200 or more on her before the Sexing, you are required to break it off in person. Otherwise, you don't even have to call her back. This is the Two Hundred Dollar Rule.

Publish Results. Use a manner of your choosing. Writing the data in a notebook works well, especially if it is small and black.

So that's it. Most of you were already having sex before you finished reading this. It's that awesome. And if that didn't work for you, well, we're still here for you:



See you next week.

17 comments:

Bulger in My Pants said...

You could also order her some Women's Wear from the KSK online apparel shop and bring it to her as a gift. This eases the progression to the next step.

WORD. I don't know about any other ladies, but whenever I see, smell, hear, taste, get squirted in the face with anything related to The Sex Cannon, my legs automatically open. It's uncontrollable.

The Intern said...

It's so simple!

J.L. White said...

Listen, I was just like you. A sad pathetic slob who was content in pleasuring myself to pictures of hot supermodels. But after trying the Monday Morning Punter System To Getting Laid for just a few minutes, now I'm hooking up with any big-breasted blonde chick within 50 yards of me. Thank you, MMP!

the butler said...

I knew Rhonda Byrne's new bullshit Secret book had to contain at least one form of practicality.

MemphisRaines said...

Cars, driveways, her roommate's closet, and behind swimming pools are great places for sex.

You forgot fast food bar bathrooms. Especially if she's an NFL cheerleader!

Otto Man said...

I think we might have finally found that photo for "pussy basket." Rrrroowww!!!

micah said...

if only i'd read this before going out to the bar tonight...

Becky said...

I'm having sex with all of you RIGHT NOW, it's that good.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Exactly what I've been hoping for Becky.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

It even works with us old married people! Now I'm sore and walking funny! Thanks, MMP!

mrmom61 said...

jerkin the gerkin. goodtimes.

David said...

The 'misogyny' tag has got to be used more often.

devang said...

I had sex AND jerked the gerk last night. Thanks MMP!!

devang said...

For those of you who need some jerkin' material.

http://www.withleather.com/post.phtml?pk=2258

USC cheerleaders who?

Courtesy of the one and only Captain Caveman.

FenwayFaithful78 said...

How very Tucker Max of you MMP.

My Insignificant Life said...

Don't forget tossing her on the table while eating lunch......or drinking a beer......

Signal to Noise said...

Frank T.J. Mackey lives.