Thursday, March 1, 2007

The 20 most influential people in online sports. Where the hell is the Diecast Dude?

Via the evil geniuses at the Postmen, we learned of Sports Business Journal's list of the twenty most influential people in online sports. Personally, I haven't eyeballed a Street & Smith publication since Walter Berry graced their college basketball preview sometime during the Pleistocene Era, so I can't vouch for accuracy of this list. But to the extent there are a few remaining people in sports media KSK hasn't libeled yet, allow us to break down the rankings.

Bob Bowman (President, CEO, MLB Advanced Media)

This dude gets rewarded with number one for fucking over baseball fans with impunity. "What's that, you say you can't get DirecTV? Have fun squinting at the Zapruder-quality games on MLB.com. " Thanks, prick.

John Kosner (Senior VP, GM, New Media, ESPN)

If the Sports Guy walks away, Kosner will find himself handing out paper towels in the men's room of an upscale Bristol chophouse.

Steve Snyder (COO, CBS Interactive)

Favorite movie: the Crying Game.
Favorite salad: egg.

Jeff Price (President, SI Digital)

This is total horseflop. Jeff Price's RPI is 79 and he has lost three of the last four at home. Yet he is still ranked fourth and will probably land a number one seed. Damned east-coast bias.

Brian Rolapp (VP, media strategy, NFL)

Spends most nights alone watching the DoodleBops in his underwear with the shades up and light on. Makes underlings call him "Billy Ocean."

Brian Grey (Senior VP, GM, FoxSports.com)

Nothing against this guy personally, but FoxSports.com is the turd in the punchbowl of internet sports resources.

Steve Grimes (Senior director, interactive services, NBA)

I promised myself when I started writing this post that I wouldn't clown on anyone's picture. That's cheap humor, plus I'm not exactly Troy Donahue myself. But Fred Flintstone here doesn't just have a five o'clock shadow, he has a five o'clock eclipse.

Dick Glover (VP, broadcasting, new media, NASCAR)

"Dick Glover." "Dick Glover" "Dick Glover." For the life of me I can't think of a joke for Dick Glover.

Brian Bedol (President, CEO, CSTV)

CSTV gave us college softball, wrestling and lacrosse. It could have been worse, they could have given us crabs too.

Neal Scarbrough (GM, Editor, AOL Sports)

Look out, Neal, another round of AOL Time-Warner layoffs are sneaking up behind you! Naw, we're just yanking your chain. But seriously, the Bobs want to meet with you in fifteen minutes.

Shannon Terry (CEO, Rivals.com)

We actually like this guy. Those Rivals message boards keep the dumb kids down in the shallow end of the pool. ("KETNUCKY WILDCATS R TEH SHIZZNIT!!!! FIRE TUBBY!!! JOANN KIM NOAH IS A PU$$Y") . Actually, they're right about Noah.

Bill Simmons (Columnist, ESPN.com)

My calendar says March has arrived. Which means it is now time for a venerable rite of spring: for the next month Simmons will pretend he follows college basketball.

Mark Cuban (Owner, Chicago Cubs, Dallas Mavericks)

We love Cubes, but BlogMaverick has long since turned into BitchAboutYouTubeIncessantly.com. His site has about as much to do with sports or the NBA as StuffOnMyCat.com.

Scott Bailey (VP, GM, business operations, Turner Sports New Media)

Has heard countless stories about a coked-up Ted Turner calling and demanding they bring back "Saturday night wrasslin' on the Superstation."

Paul Johnson (VP, new media, PGA Tour)

Asked for a raise, but they gave him a fancy title instead. Once saw Phil Mickelson changing in the gentlemen's locker room at Crooked Stick. Has been confused (and a little curious) ever since.

Dave Morgan (Executive editor, Yahoo! Sports)

Yahoo! Sports thinks someone, somewhere gives a rat's dick about who gave Reggie Bush what while he at USC. They don't.

Keith Ritter (President, NHL Interactive CyberEnterprises)

Nobody in the NHL is the one of the twenty most influential people in anything. The whole league is circling around the bowl. An Amish rake-fighting league would get better ratings.

Claude Ruibal (Chairman, CEO, WCSN)

Cries after sex. Bad tipper.

Peter King (Columnist, SI.com)

Never heard of him.

Will Leitch (Editor, Deadspin.com)

Apparently, Sports Business Journal couldn't find a picture of Will, so they just went with one of the guys from Panic! at the Disco. Lazy journalism at its most egregious.


[Note: some of these suits look a little litigious, so the KSK legal team advises us to make sure to tell everyone that this is a joke, dumbass. Except the part about the NHL, those assholes are on the way out.]

40 comments:

Mike said...

Favorite movie: the Crying Game.
Favorite salad: egg.


Now that's fucking funny.

Paul Teeple said...

An open letter to Sports Business Journal,

I have a hard time buying Simmons at 12 and Will at 20 when about a month ago Will's reader's completely hijacked the commenting on Simmons' Super Bowl article (generally one of his biggest every year). That's influence.

Also... dicks bukkakke and stuff.

Greg Schuler said...

Wow, I fit right into that demographic - white, somewhat clean shaven, early 30s to late 40s. Makes me wonder what I did with my life.

Oh, right, crank...

Suss & The Family Stone said...

I'm sick as a dog. Where am I on the list?

Oh, wait, I thought that said "most influenza."

Clutch247 said...

I think the sole reason they put Keith Ritter on that list was to shit (absolutley just shit) on every blog/website/writer that's better than his. Kinda like how Pulizer wouldn't lower the prices of his papes in the movie "newsies".

Or maybe they thought wen everyone read it, we would all kill ourselves. Isn't that genocide?

Unsilent Majority said...

Amish Rake Fighting is the undercard on May's Mayweather/De La Hoya fight

Sasha Undercover said...

boy there is some white dudeliness if I've ever seen it

Otto Man said...

Amish Rake Fighting is the undercard on May's Mayweather/De La Hoya fight

No way, English. Ask any good Amish man -- rakes are proud.

Phatty said...

#7: He prefers to be called Grimey.

GentleWhoadie9000 said...

Will Leitch is #1 in internet sports hair and #2 in internet sports emo...behind Dick Glover, who is, as they say, a dick glover.

Bill Simmons is #3 in internet sports S&M collections behind Christmas Ape and Peter King.

Hezekiah Stanislauss, Commissioner of the National Amish Rake Fighting Association (NARFA) is #21 on the most influential list but #1 on the internet sports ascetics list and #2 in hair.

Monday Morning Punter said...

Where da white women at?

Seriously, Will at # 20 is a joke. He should be at least in the top 5, if not # 1.

New Media? These fucks are about as new as Thomas Edison's turd.

Rob I said...

#21: anyone who posts hilarious football-to-the-groin videos at YouTube

Big Daddy Drew said...

Is anyone else having problems with gmail this morning?

Chris said...

BDD thats a negative.

Dick Glover...I got nothing. Hopefully Ottoman can step up with something inspiring.

Weed Against Speed said...

Who knew Will Leitch was also the lead singer of Superdrag, John Davis?

Tim said...

I predict Will will be mailing it in from now on.

I rape red sox fans said...

Will Will? Or won't will?

The Intern said...

If this were judged by neck fat, Paul Johnson would easily be in the top 5.

MDG said...

The Blogfather was robbed! And were is AJ Daulerio? Those two definitely have more influence then The PGA and NHL.

ghostsofwaynefontes said...

I want to fucking strangle Simmons for posting up every day on his College Hoops Blog. He has no clue what he is talking about.

Look Simmons, we totally understand you want Kevin Durant to sit on your face...sweet. We can read between the lines "Kevin, I'm down for some ATM(ass-to-mouth)action." Just stop already PLEASE!!!

Really, you think Kansas and Texas A&M are pretty good huh? Yeah, nobody had them pegged past the 2nd round...thanks for the groundbreaking info, prick.

One more comment on his misguided analysis of Brandan Wright and I am going to Fed Ex him a Pringles can with a fresh steamy fecal log garnished in Pubic Hair.

Clutch247 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Clutch247 said...

At least you guys at KSK say ur sticking to the NFL as told my Caveman. You guys aren't cheeseball enough to move over to a topic u think you know about like Simmons.

Reading his college ball article was like slowly roasting my nuts away on Rosie O Donnel's forehead while she has a fever.

Otto Man said...

Dick Glover (VP, broadcasting, new media, NASCAR),

I'm feeling influenzal myself this week, but since Chris asked, I'll give Dick Glover a try.

"Dick Glover? I guess the old NASCAR saying is true -- rubbers is racing!"

Get it? Because the NASCAR guys always say "rubbing's racing"?

No? Fine. The TheraFlu appreciates my redneck wit.

Unsilent Majority said...

DJ Augustin is teh best point guard evar!!!

Chamomiles Davis said...

Will looks like he just heard "Last Call!" the night CBGB's closed down.

BeaverFever said...

Dick Glover !? Why not just name your kid Mike if your last name is Hunt.

flubby said...

+1 chamomiles davis

bleedjetgreen said...

This is the most unoriginal list I've ever seen. Let's list every major sport league and every major sports news outlet and show the guy who runs their operation. Then, we'll sprinkle in Simmons, King and Leitch just to show we did something. zzzz...

The only good that came out of this list - Dick Glover is my new hero...

Draft Dodgers said...

Excerpt from SBJ's description of Ritter: 'a fan base widely deemed as the most technologically literate in professional sports'.
And Dexter Manley pens existentialist haiku.

Gern said...

Not enough white people on that list.

Pity Da Fool said...

Being No. 20 on this list is soooo emo...

Signal to Noise said...

#16 - not only does no one give a fuck about whom Reggie Bush took money from, but also, Yahoo's head thinks Mike Jarvis is insightful when it comes to college basketball.

lieutenant winslow said...

Has heard countless stories about a coked-up Ted Turner calling and demanding they bring back "Saturday night wrasslin' on the Superstation."

uh... that wasn't Ted Turner. that was me.

sorry. won't happen again

THE Chicago Jones said...

So is KSK the punch in the turdbowl of internet sports resources?

Craig said...

Welcome to the undergorund. No promotional headshots allowed.

Robert said...

That's all very interesting but hold on a sec, I have a question.

What the fuck is the NHL?

devang said...

Where the fuck is AJ? He is the balls!! Will you lousy piece of shit, if you are listening, please transcribe AJ's poem and post it in all its glory. I'm sure Gawker can spare nibbles for a few minutes to take care of this. Oh 289, I DEMAND a picture of a AJ's smoky tornado with the Spain Train.

SonDog said...

I see affirmative action is working well in the online sports world. Jesus. There was more old-white-guys in that list than the delagate list at the Republican National Convention.

Here was my commentary with each mug shot:

"Douchebag"

"Cheeze-dick"

"Douchebag"

"Cheeze-dick"

"Hey, it's a black guy! Who invited him?"

Jackin'4Beats said...

hey sondog you forgot:

"Pasty, sun deprived asshat"

Hey and where the hell was Bob Johnson the owner of BET, uh I mean the Charlotte Bobcats. Doesn't he count in this media circle-jerk? I mean he did create and fostered the single most ridiculous and home for hoodrat network in the history of mankind.

AND WHY THE HELL CAN'T I USE STRIKE AS AN HTML TAG WHEN POSTING?!?!?! Damn you aqua scum!!!! I mean gmail.

Peter said...

will is emo.
emo is will.