Friday, March 23, 2007

KSK Mock Draft:
These Are Our Countries, Rd. 1


Each week leading up to the draft, we at KSK will be holding a mock draft of our own in the category of our choosing. This week, we are drafting countries, pre-divided parcels of LAND! It's the only thing they're not making more of, or some shit.

The rules here: Only currently existing nations may be selected (sorry, Austria-Hungary). The United States is off limits. Some elaborate description of how and why you would pillage that nation's resources/people/geopolitical characteristics is required.

The Order: Ape, UM, CC, Drew, flub, MMP. Serpentine format.

Round 1

CC: Oh boy oh boy oh boy! So nervous! Want to get best countries!

Drew: See, this is tough: do you pick a country you want to enjoy, or one you want to ruin?

MMP: A little from Column A, a little from Column B.

Ape: 1. Brazil.



Militarily and economically, they're no great shakes. But I'll control a clear majority of the world's hot women. It's South America, so the weather is always nice and the country is accustomed to corruption. People won't nuke me because I have the Amazon. Bonus: Blanka as a personal body guard (or some Amazonians). And maybe someone there can teach me how to dance.

CC: There goes Oden. Let's see if UM picks Durant.

UM: I don't get it, a country we want to rule for whatever reason?

Ape: Now you're on the trolley.

UM: 2. Japan.



Sexy subservient women and nobody calling me short. Did I do that right or have I already lost?

Ape: You fool! Japan is full of Japs!

CC: 3. Australia.


The Durant to Brazil's Oden. They speak English, but with a sexy accent. Lots of hot women, surfing, and a culture that makes cold beer a priority.

UM: Aussies are stupid and their boot-related traditions are archaic.

Drew: 4. Italy.



I need a low maintenance country, and Italy hasn't had a functional
government for ages and still does just fine. Plus this scores huge
bonus points with the ladies. Lots of good wine, pasta, and sexy
Italian eye candy.

You get brunettes in the South, blondes in the
North. Plus, I can pass a law that decrees that any grown Italian man
still living with his mother is a pussy. Oh, and I'd have all the
priests castrated.

UM: Germany for the first round Axis sweep?

Ape: Don't put it past Punter. He likes those schiesse films [I have no idea what that word means --Ed.].

UM: I take it we're limiting this to current countries, so I can't go and draft the Roman Empire? What about pricipalities?

Drew: Only current nations. If by principalities, you mean the Vatican or
something, I think that's still okay.

UM: So now it's a race to take Minerva!

Ape: I can't believe Unsilent passed on the Nation of Domination.

Drew: There's a picture of Paris Hilton blowing Cee Lo on wwtdd.com. Crazy? Possibly.

UM: Is it legit? My work computer has something against wwtdd.

Drew: Looked pretty legit to me.

flub: "Only thing that could bring it back alive, woman. Is some good, good head"- Cee-Lo

flub: 5. St. Maarten



has everything I will ever need. Gorgeous beaches (some nude), casinos and French restaurants. The only true duty free ports in the Western Hemisphere means tons of cheap shit especially designer clothes (for chicks and Ufford), booze (for me), and jewelry (for Unsilent Bling Majority).

When you're in the Caribbean (at least outside the squalor of the DR or Haiti) it's hard to get to worked up over anything. They drink this stuff called Guavaberry down there. I don't know much about it except that it is the bomb.com with Orangina and lots of ice. If had "fuck you" money I would move down there in an instant. They even have WGN down there, I can watch the Cubs. Come to think of it, why am I not there right now?

UM: First act as new leader of St. Maarten...do something about that spelling.

Ape: St. JaMaarten.

flub: As a matter of principal, I eschew the frog spelling of the island.

Ape: Lazarus Hilton?

UM: St. JaMaarten! +1,000; Lazarus Hilton? -999

Ape: I'm still in the black.

UM: PUUUUUN-TEEEEEEEEEEEER!

MMP: The first of my two selections:

MMP: 6. China



They have Wal-Mart, yet they are still communist. They are a rising economic power. They have nukes. They eat dogs and cats. They have over a billion people. They name their years after animals. And if you don't have the money to fly, you can always dig there.

UM: Yeah, but the sideways vaginas still weird me out.

Coming Up: Round 2

53 comments:

Joep Smeets said...

Isn't St. Maarten's the Hurricane Capital of the world, though? I don't know Flubby, but it looks like a bit of a Jets pick to me. I mean...St Maarten over the Netherlands? Sure we got horrible weather and an ever increasing amount of political assasinations over here, but we do have plenty of other redeeming qualities.

Rob I said...

China? MMP must have a craving for ox penis and rooster feet.

wv: zbeusjew

Mike said...

Gotta give it to Ape & Drew so far. Plus, with Brazil & Italy they're better equipped to handle any future British Soccer invasions at KSK.

Joep Smeets said...

Mike: you could pick Northern Ireland to handle British football. I don't think it has any other upsides, but at least they own the English National team. Macedonia would do, too.

Dave said...

I gotta give it to CC - Australia has been described to me as "America in the 50's" - meaning people still know how to have fun (drinking, whoring, drinking, gambling, pesky women know their place...)

Italy is over-rated
China is scary
St. Maartens is nice, but you'll get tired of the 'island time' real quick.
Japan??? dude, they speak Japanese there.

I'll give you Brazil, it's great.

Rob I said...

UM loves hentai tentacle porn. Can you blame him?

devang said...

New Zealand. Australia's red headed stepchild. Why? Same morals as Australia except they have skiing and some killer rapids is one gets tired of all the sun and the beach. Plus at any given time you could watch some Hollywood assholes filming and throw rocks at them.

Plus the Maoris are bad asses.

devang said...

UM must really be into bukkake, and looking up women's skirts.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I choose Tahiti: Calm waters, beautiful beaches, women love coming here, absolutely no care in the world or whats going on in it.

Unsilent Majority said...

They've got schoolgirls, amazing game shows, I heard Madden 2010 just came out over there.

FenwayFaithful78 said...

The DR- You live in the lap of luxury for like a buck a day and you can just sit and watch kids play baseball. Then sell them to MLB for mad money.

Scotland- so I could quote Braveheart all day long to annoy the locals.They sort of speak English so I wouldn't have to learn an entirely new language- Plus I'm a sucker for a kilt and a big bag pipe.

Unsilent Majority said...

Tahiti- nice, but not a country

Rob I said...

I once saw a Japanese porno clip where a gentleman scrambled three eggs in a bowl, sucked them up into a giant syringe, and then 'injected' them up a girl's ass.

She then squatted over a frying pan and shat out an egg-and-shit mixture. The gentleman fried up an omelet and ate it.

Yep, these are UM's new countrymen.

Unsilent Majority said...

jesus rob. too early for that story.

Rob I said...

What? It's breakfast time.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Another bonus to Italy: Aria Giovanni. Not that I'd know anything about that.

And Rob, never tell a story like that again.

scumdog0331 said...

I'm going with Caveman...made three trips to Australia when I was in the Marines, we would have someone go UA and not come back everytime. It was almost me...twice. If I ever grow up, that is where I want to live.

rdg said...

f'n <3 St Maarten. Best steak I ever had was at Cherry's.

Big Jim Slade said...

Rob, remind me never to order the Eastern omelette at Dennyhannah's...

BeaverFever said...

BDD, with the steal of the first round. Where are you going to eat and drink beter than in Italy. Plus, the ass over there and from there is top notch. Also, if you are into redheads the North or Italy has a good number of those to.

My second round pick would be Spain, nice warm weather, good food, and those Spanish girls are also hot.

scumdog0331 said...

Bad Rob...Bad, Bad Rob

Awful Chief said...

Watch out for the hairy monsters in Japan, UM.

scumdog0331 said...

If we're going purely on the hot chick quotient, Australia is still the choice, and if you disagree, you obviously have never been there. (belive it or not, I thinkRussia would be a close second)

Rob I said...

Drew certainly has the lead. The Italians are possibly the only Western Europeans who don't hate Americans...yet.

Plus, you can't beat the Renaissance-master-per-square-kilometer quotient.

devang said...

Next up German scheisse (sic) porn

Kyle said...

fenwayfaithful78 - quoting braveheart all day wouldn't annoy us too much since that is pretty much what we do anyway between drinking whiskey and sitting about in our castles. Just don't do it in a shitty accent.

I would definitely be looking to pick up a Scandinavian country in the second round, those places have some outstanding females.

devang said...

UM, I'm surprised you didn't pick Holland for the obvious reasons.

devang said...

I once saw a Japanese porno clip where a gentleman scrambled three eggs in a bowl, sucked them up into a giant syringe, and then 'injected' them up a girl's ass.

She then squatted over a frying pan and shat out an egg-and-shit mixture. The gentleman fried up an omelet and ate it.

This post has been removed by the author.

Gentlemen, please use your powers when warranted.

janie said...

What? You've never eaten shit before?

Obviously never eaten English food.

devang said...

+10 Janie.

Hester Blumenthal does not appreciate your comment.

Unsilent Majority said...

when i'm running japan weed will be legal...and delicious.

Chris said...

I am surprised that UM didn't go with the Netherlands. Good smoke, women, and waffles. What more could you ask for?

janie said...

devang - snail porridge anyone?

I'm surprised nobody's picked England yet, if only to control the invading hooligans on KSK.

Jackin'4Beats said...

I vote Brazil the winner of round 1. Where else can you go where a standard two-piece bikini is considered too constricting by just about every hot woman? Oh and with the currency exchange rate - tossing 1 Real to a stripper is like giving her a quarter. You could be there all night and never run out of money.

St. JaMaarten is the patron saint of QBs from LSU.

That omelet story has got to be the worst visual. Damn you for telling that story!!!

josh said...

China and the Netherlands should have gone higher in the draft by far. Brazil does have several shaking-assloads of resources to exploit though. "Those Brazil nuts is tasty as hell too," says Michael Vick.

Joep Smeets said...

Cris, hate to bring this to you...but we Dutch don't have any waffles. That would be the Third World country to our immediate south.

Don't any of you dare to draft Belgium before the Netherlands go.

FenwayFaithful78 said...

Scumdog, there is a difference between hot and skanky- Russian chicks cross that line. I think it's that russian red in a bottle hair color that pushes them over the line. Now move a little to the west and invade Latvia or Lithuania (Christ, everyone else has). Women are tall,busty, leggy, blond and love their herb and vodka. Plus historically they have been known to be able to pull a plow. The countryside is beautiful- you have an all night schmogeshborg (sp) ferry to Sweden to watch hockey and Riga is currently the hot spot for all European stag parties. I think it's the increasing number of strip clubs that's drawing them in. Just beware of Boris at the door- he's almost most defiantely Russian mob.

And for us ladies the men are hunky as hell and quite naive. Shit, I can't wait to get back there!

MDT said...

If CC takes New Zealand and the Phillipines next he'll get three extra armies at the start of every turn

Mike said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mike said...

Sweden is gaining some Draft Sleeper traction among the pundits.

6 foot tall blond chicks with hot bodies and blue eyes but no sexual hangups, no internation bullshit to get embroiled in, meatballs, kick-ass jet fighters, plus you can drink outside in broad daylight at 10:00 pm in the summer.

Garthmeister J. said...

UM, I am surprised and disgusted at your anti-Australian bias... clearly this a case of sour grapes because you didn't pick my homeland.

What do you mean "so why aren't I still living there?"

Shut up.

Chris said...

I stand corrected Joep.

They have this other little pastry thing which kinda looks like a pizza which is very tasty though.

Awful Chief said...

mike, after reading rob i's story, i think we can all agree that some sexual hangups are definitely a good thing.

Mike said...

Rob's story still "exists"? I've spent the last 2 hours trying to make it disappear from the annals of history. I want it annihilated for all time.

Rob I said...

Hey, what can I say? I'm a colorful person. If I was *really* cruel, I'd find the video and link to it.

Unsilent Majority said...

I love Australia, but the fact remains, you people can't tell the difference between a knife and spoon.

besides, chop sticks rule.

Signal to Noise said...

UM's call isn't as bad as you think, because chopsticks do rule.

However, Drew is ahead with Italy -- nice combination of hot women and awesome food. My first pick would have been Spain, just because I've spent more time there and it has the same qualities as Italy.

I'm not surprised that England has gone undrafted yet. Native food makes countries in the U.K. automatic third-rounders in my book.

Mike said...

Chopsticks rule until you develop Calpar Tunner Syndlome, and then your hand turns into a claw.

I know of what I speak, being married to a lady of the mysterious orient. I love her food, but it's a fork for me at this point.

Rob I said...

Mike, buddy, where you been?
The term is Asian-American!

Evelyone's a ritter bit lacist.

Unsilent Majority said...

ahahahaha

devang said...

Evelyone's a ritter bit lacist.

+20 Rob. I wish I could mimic an Indian accent in type form.

Lou Pickney said...

Does the St. Maarten vote count for both the French *and* Dutch portions of the island?

quisqueya said...

is this some racist shit or what? now all the hot women live in europe and fucking australia. give me some hot african ass over them no-lips, no-ass, fake tits, anorexic white bitches.