Monday, March 19, 2007

Right Next Door to Hell/Why Don’t You Write A Letter To Me Yeah


Hey, remember Jerramy Stevens? Tight end for the Seahawks? Tall guy? Stone hands? Incredible fuckup? Looks like you also add “Nightmare Asshole Neighbor” to his list of accomplishments. Nicole Brodeur of the Seattle Times explains.

One resident woke to find his deck splattered with vomit. Another found used condoms. Others told of being awakened at 3 a.m. by loud fights, or were startled by strangers who partook of their patios…

He has set off illegal fireworks from his deck, showering other units with debris. He takes up two spaces in a lot reserved for the building's retail shops. He gives the building security code to friends, who walk in at all hours.


Well, the residents of the Astoria at Meydenbauer aren’t taking Stevens’ used condom rainfalls lying down. No, they’ve decided to go all out and send him a sternly worded letter!

Last month, the Astoria condominium board sent the former Seattle Seahawk tight end a letter, calling him to a meeting this week to discuss the complaints against him.

Let me tell you something, there’s no better way to get Jerramy Stevens to stop shooting off fireworks at your children than by having a meeting and hoping he shows up.

Let’s face it: if you live next door to an NFL player, you are fucked. I read an article an SI about Larry Johnson once. A neighbor who struck up a conversation with Larry Johnson found that Johnson the next day had let himself into the neighbor’s house and was hanging out in his basement with his kid. The neighbor seemed to think this was charming. I imagine he meant that in retrospect, because if I saw a moody bastard like Larry Johnson waltzing into my house uninvited, I’d go right for the 5-iron under my bed.

If you end up living next to an NFL player, here are some quick pointers for living a hassle-free existence.

-Offer your wife
-Get the Slomin’s Shield
-Get an awning to shield yourself from falling condoms
-Offer to dig holes for all the dead strippers
-Buy a vacation home and live in it year round
-Pick up a copy of Ugly Kid Joe’s “Neighbor” and listen to it daily for catharsis
-Strap steak to your child, ask Joey Porter to have his pit bulls spare you in exchange
-Shoot self in head

I think the latter option is really your best bet.

21 comments:

lieutenant winslow said...

...who partook on their patios

fixed.

Burnsy said...

Say what you want, I'd live next to Cecil Collins any day.

Bad Barbecue said...

You forgot one option.

So next door they're having sex, drinking, setting off fireworks, vomitting, fighting, having sex, and sexing...

JOIN THEM!

J said...

"...sternly worded letter."

Why do I have the sneaking suspicion that Stevens lives next to a bunch of WASPs?

lieutenant winslow said...

Jerramy Stephens: The Condo Board? Oh no! Oh, herro. Great to see you again, Condo Board!


Condo Board: Mr. Stephens, I was supposed to be allowed to inspect your condo today, but your posse won't let me enter certain areas.


Kim Jong Il: Guys, guys, guys! We've been frew this a dozen times. I don't have any hookers and coke inside my condo, ok?


Condo Board: Then let me look around, so I can ease the Condo Board's collective mind. I'm sorry, but the Condo Board must be firm with you. Let me in, or else.


Jerramy Stephens: Or else what?


Condo Board: Or else we will be very angry with you... and we will write you a letter, telling you how angry we are.

mamacita said...

Drew, I don't remember your taking the 5-iron in the draft. You keep it next to the machete, right?

Otto Man said...

I wouldn't be surprised if one day they find Jerramy down by the river, drowning a little blonde village girl like Frankenstein's monster, and wondering why she can't breathe under all the pretty water.

liquid_d said...

The only thing worse would be living next to Peyton Manning and hearing "its raining men" blasting out the windows all night.

ColeTrain said...

Well, I am just glad that Jerramy Stevens and his posse practice safe sex.

Vanilla said...

Could've been worse. It could have been Najeh Davenport letting himself into your house.

becky said...

oh man, Lt., you just killed me for the rest of the day...
INEBITIBOO

Proinsias Cassidy said...

vanilla-

Or Mark Chmura...

Referencing Guns N' Roses and Ugly Kid Joe; I have stepped into my '90s nightmare. Thank you.

Burnsy said...

Tom Brady's neighbors don't have to worry about condoms. Maybe fetuses.

Dat RoRo Kid said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dat RoRo Kid said...

dude, you had me at the UKJ reference...wow. I just had a flashback of the ending of the video for 'Everything About You'...the singer's face...uggghhh...the horror!

BeaverFever said...

living next to jerry porter hosting a black jack game also might be a bad idea.

Mike said...

Offer to dig holes for all the dead strippers

Dangerous. You know the real bad guys make their victims did their own graves.

Look what good this did Footsteps Falco.

Nicki said...

Check it out - hilarious song about Jerramy.

http://the-parallax-view.blogspot.com/2006/11/jerramy.html

Ryan said...

If you lived next to Matt Leinart and have a 17 year old daughter, I'd recommend sending her to boarding school or making sure your health insurance covers treating venereal disease.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

The only thing worse would be living next to Peyton Manning and hearing "its raining men" blasting out the windows all night.

I'd rather hear that than what he probably plays--"He Thinks My Tractor's Sexy."

God Hates Raiders Fans said...

Ok one of you ksk writers needs to post about a variety of NFL players and what some of thier neighbors have gone thru. I would start you off with something witty but I've been awake for oh 20 hours. Caffine is your friend.