Right Next Door to Hell/Why Don’t You Write A Letter To Me Yeah

Hey, remember Jerramy Stevens? Tight end for the Seahawks? Tall guy? Stone hands? Incredible fuckup? Looks like you also add “Nightmare Asshole Neighbor” to his list of accomplishments. Nicole Brodeur of the Seattle Times explains.

One resident woke to find his deck splattered with vomit. Another found used condoms. Others told of being awakened at 3 a.m. by loud fights, or were startled by strangers who partook of their patios…

He has set off illegal fireworks from his deck, showering other units with debris. He takes up two spaces in a lot reserved for the building's retail shops. He gives the building security code to friends, who walk in at all hours.

Well, the residents of the Astoria at Meydenbauer aren’t taking Stevens’ used condom rainfalls lying down. No, they’ve decided to go all out and send him a sternly worded letter!

Last month, the Astoria condominium board sent the former Seattle Seahawk tight end a letter, calling him to a meeting this week to discuss the complaints against him.

Let me tell you something, there’s no better way to get Jerramy Stevens to stop shooting off fireworks at your children than by having a meeting and hoping he shows up.

Let’s face it: if you live next door to an NFL player, you are fucked. I read an article an SI about Larry Johnson once. A neighbor who struck up a conversation with Larry Johnson found that Johnson the next day had let himself into the neighbor’s house and was hanging out in his basement with his kid. The neighbor seemed to think this was charming. I imagine he meant that in retrospect, because if I saw a moody bastard like Larry Johnson waltzing into my house uninvited, I’d go right for the 5-iron under my bed.

If you end up living next to an NFL player, here are some quick pointers for living a hassle-free existence.

-Offer your wife
-Get the Slomin’s Shield
-Get an awning to shield yourself from falling condoms
-Offer to dig holes for all the dead strippers
-Buy a vacation home and live in it year round
-Pick up a copy of Ugly Kid Joe’s “Neighbor” and listen to it daily for catharsis
-Strap steak to your child, ask Joey Porter to have his pit bulls spare you in exchange
-Shoot self in head

I think the latter option is really your best bet.