Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Better Know a Draft Pick: Joe Thomas

Welcome to the first latest installment of KSK's newest series, Better Know a Draft Pick. We'll lead up to April's draft by giving you all the pertinent info you'll need on the next generation of future salary cap casualties.

I'm coming for you Mr. Ham!


Name: Joe "Wonderbread" Thomas

Height: Somewhere between Alando Tucker and Brian Butch
Weight: When he got on the digital scale it started leaking battery acid

Urine Test: Velveeta
Stool Sample: Corn. Lots of corn.

Mainstream Comparison: Jonathan Ogden
KSK Comparison: Michael Lewis' recurring wet dream (not to be confused with his other recurring wet dream featuring a nude Tabitha Soren traipsing around the Oakland A's locker room).

Who Wants Him: David Carr's bruised ass
Who Will Take Him: Some shitty team that wants to bore their fans

Hobbies: Basting fat chicks in the tub
Favorite Food: Miracle Whip sandwiches and his salt lick
Favorite Expression: Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He once ate the corpse of his uncle Dave after defeating the Wendy's founder in a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger eating contest.

Immediate Impact: Seismic
Down the Road: Dementia pugilistica and robot legs...not a bad trade-off

45 comments:

Mike said...

Whoa. Based on that picture, the one category I want covered is "Age." How old is that fat fuck?

He looks older than Greg Oden, who's gotta be at least 43.

flubby said...

That linked picture looks like Arli$$ on HGH.

Unsilent Majority said...

jesus, that's a disturbing image

Smello said...

So are all of the installments going to be the first installment?

Bad Barbecue said...

That has got to be a huge belly-button.

Burnsy said...

I'm in shock over the Tabitha Soren reference. I'll have to share that with John Sencio when he's done cleaning my office shitter.

Unsilent Majority said...

So are all of the installments going to be the first installment?

copy and pasting is not as easy as the media would lead you to believe.

burnsy- tabitha soren is married to michael lewis.

Mike said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mike said...

tabitha soren is married to michael lewis.

If they ever divorce, we'll find out if Clinton hit it or not.

Moneyball, indeed.

Burnsy said...

I knew they were married, I just hadn't heard anyone mention her since I yelled at my mom for washing my Skidz with my Hypercolor.

Grimey said...

Just to let you know, John Sencio now hosts "Cash In The Attic" on HGTV.

We are all old.

devang said...

That linked picture looks like Arli$$ on HGH.

I think he 4looks more like Liev (sic) Schreiber

Otto Man said...

Joe Thomas only pawn in game of life.

Drew said...

One day we will all see Joe Thomas host "Cobwebs in the Attic - Living with Dementia pugilistica" on HGHTV

liquid_d said...

Or maybe we'll see Joe Thomas host the popular infomercial " Your Robot Legs and You, a robotastic team!"

Awful Chief said...

It kind of looks like he has both feet touching the ground. What's a good 40 yard powerwalk time these days?

J said...

Otto- any day that I see a "Blazing Saddles" reference is a better one.

"Joe Thomas like candy!"

Otto Man said...

"Awww, Joe Thomas straight!"

Otto Man said...

You're right, Awful Chief. That is some impressive mallwalking there. I'm surprised he isn't clutching an Orange Julius cup.

m8r said...

What percentage of draft picks are overweight guys that are funny to watch run, do the cones, etc? no wonder the combine is on tv

www.amblersports.blogspot.com

DrDoom said...

michael lewis wet dream... wow.

BeaverFever said...

i think he looks like baby huey.


http://home.att.net/~thft/huey.gif

Corey said...

Kubiak - Parker Lewis Can't Loose. Who's with me? Synchronize swatches.

Otto Man said...

Did his lumbering running style shake the "C" and "T" off that Colt 45 shirt he's wearing?

Walklett said...

Mmmm....salt licks

Burnsy:

Skidz? Hypercolor? Hilarious. You obviously shopped at Chess King too.

Mike said...

Did his lumbering running style shake the "C" and "T" off that Colt 45 shirt he's wearing?

No. But it did knock the "0" off the shirt-front weight report.

Unsilent Majority said...

not a problem

Burnsy said...

County Seat, Walk. Chess King was where I picked up my Cavaricci's.

devang said...

Hey burnsy, I'm trying to forget that Cavaricci and black high top Reebok era. The 80s were a BAAAAD fashion decade

Awful Chief said...

"Holding, number 45, offense, ten yard penalty, repeat third down."

I can totally see him as a Lion.

Otto Man said...

Someone out there currently has photos of me in an Ocean Pacific t-shirt and obscenely-colored Jams short shorts.

I'm not proud. But I was young and I needed the money.

BeaverFever said...

this is coming close to spiraling into a bad late 80's/early 90's fashion post. btw, does anyone remember when girls would wear black stockings with knee high jeans ? God I loved that look for some reason. maybe that was just a Northeast/New England look

God Hates Raiders Fans said...

Yeah taking offensive linemen high in the draft is a great idea I mean look at my raiders we got Gallery and look at how good our o-line is....sigh....I'm gonna gonna go find a corner and softly cry myself to sleep.

devang said...

@beaverfever. Don't forget the gum popping frizzy hairspray helmet hooker look.

maybe it was just in Jersey

fallex said...

He's hauling ass because somebody stole:
_o
J^e's Lunch

BeaverFever said...

devang, jersey girls rocked the most hairspray along with the hooker look. no doubt to show their love for home state hero jon bon jovi.

devang said...

no doubt to show their love for home state hero jon bon jovi.

Sigh!!...everyone forgets Bruce.

Awful Chief said...

beaverfever, knee high jeans sound a lot like jean shorts to me. If there is a link to a photo that would clear things up, i would appreciate it.

ghrf, I feel your pain. In the past 11 drafts the Lions have taken four offensive linemen in the 1st round:
Jeff Backus - mediocre
Stockar McDougle - shitty
Aaron Gibson - shitty, fattest player in NFL history, largest head in NFL history
Jeff Hartings - 2x pro bowler after leaving the Lions

Otto Man said...

Listen, mister. Jeff Backus was brilliant as Thurston Howell, and I'll be damned if I'll just sit here and let you badmouth him.

Mike said...

And Mr. Magoo. Don't be forgetting Mr. Magoo.

Jason said...

Come on people. No tight rolling of jeans comments yet?

Proinsias Cassidy said...

No body suits mentioned!??! And the trashy trollops who wore them? I think I miss all the sex I wasn't having in HS.

I'm still trying to purge the "fashion" of the '80s. The only thing good about that decade is that white people still dance like they're in a John Hughes movie.

Otto Man said...

Speaking of childhood, that photo of Thomas looks like the Kool-Aid pitcher breaking down a living room wall. "Oh, yeah!"

swing4 said...

Nice work, UM.

BeaverFever said...

awful chief, to clarify they are jean shorts. i thought knee high jeans was more appropriate because they looked more like jeans than shorts. either way the only example i could find was in the video from letters to cleo for "here and now". check out the link, she is cute and wearing cut off jean shorts with stockings. i think this song came out in '93.


http://youtube.com/watch?v=whr5g88bSAA