Putting One Over On Jess

Int. Jessica Simpson's living room.

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Nick: Yo, Tony, it's Lachey!

Tony: Hey man, how've you been.

Nick: Same old shit. But hey, Mayer and I are in town and we had such a good time at the Cosmo awards we wanted to know if you could come out tonight?

Tony: Oh, I don't know. Jess and I have dinner reservations, and then I'm penciled in for a solid hour of cuddle time.

Nick: Fuck that man, let's go get some whores.

Tony: Damn, it has been awhile since I've had a good dirty fuck.

Nick: Jessica still thinks it's gross?

Tony: You know it.

[unintelligible murmuring]

John: Tony, it's Mayer.

Tony: Mayday!

John: Yeah, I have a way for you to get out of there. It worked for me once when I was supposed to go to one of Ashley's concerts.

Tony: Oh yeah? But won't Jess notice I'm gone.

John: Well that's just it, you need a stand-in.

Tony: But I don't have one.

John: Are you at Jessica's place?

Tony: Yeah.

John: Perfect. One time I took Jessica to Six Flags and I won her a big stuffed doll. Whenever I needed to get away I'd just put it on the couch and slip away very slowly.

Tony: Where is it?

John: Check the back of the hall closet, I'll hold on.

Tony: I don't know, it certainly isn't very lifelike.

John: Trust me, she'll never even notice. She just needs something cute on her arm at all times. If anything, she'll just think your cuddlier than usual.

Tony: OK, I'm doing it. I'll meet you at the end of the block in five minutes... this better work.

John: Don't worry about it.

Later that evening...





Image via WWTDD

Cosmo Said It, So It Must Be True!

Sure this is old news and it's already been covered pretty extensively in the sports blogosphere and even by the occasional leather fetishists, but it's never too late to make fun of douchebags. Unless they got cancer, then the window would probably have closed. But I digress...

Tony Romo joined John Mayer and the Original Cocksucker of Comedy, Dane Cook, as this year's winner of Cosmo's coveted Fun, Fearless Male award. I have no idea why anyone would consider these douches to be at the apex of fun and fearlessness. Before the event I would have assumed things broke down thusly...


Of course that was before I was aware that Dane and John have both gone spelunking inside of Jessica Simpson's velvet cave. Not only that, but last year's winner was Simpson's ex-reality show co-star/latch-key husband Nick Lachey.

All of this can only mean one thing...

Jessica Simpson's fuckhole is filled with treacherous booby traps.

That's what I said, BOOTY TRAPS!

Of course I'm just mad because I was overlooked for yet another year. Apparently juggling newborn babies and AIDS infected needles isn't quite fun and fearless enough for those frilly magazine writing philistines.

Football Fans > Baseball Fans

Last night I accidentally saw a few minutes of Baseball Tonight (extended viewing of John Kruk has been known to cause hemorrhoids in test subjects). If you didn't see it you probably missed the single greatest baseball highlight we're likely to see all year (unless Manny Ramirez finally just takes a piss on the warning track). On first glance it looked like a routine foul ball, but there was so much more.

While the Baseball Tonight recap was everything I could have expected ("I would have eaten that!" -Kruk) it was the game's live broadcast on NESN that provided the best analysis. Now watch as this noble football fan shows a pussy baseball fan how they roll in Foxboro.



I'm not sure what Mystic Pizza is about but I'd like to think it involves Julia Roberts on the other end of a sloppy slice like that one.

I can't decide which reaction is my favorite, there's a bounty of greatness to choose from. You have to love the Oliver Stone inspired analysis conducted by the Jerry Remy, but my favorite is the reaction of the victim's friend. In a short period of time he goes through the full gamut of emotions; joy when the foul ball is headed his way, sadness when he spills his beer, anger when he sees what's been done to his friend, horror when he sees the wasted pizza, and finally happiness when he realizes that his dumb ass is going to be all over television.

We salute you random Patriots fan. You waited for the perfect moment before you stuck it to the northeast liberal elite baseball-istas for the world to see.

Dear Peter King, Please Stop Baiting Us So Obviously

I stopped reading Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column not long after I posted a picture of his daughter on the Internet. After the Mary Beth fiasco, it just seemed wrong to keep up the annoying charade of paying attention to him.

And yet I have friends who email me all of his greatest hits. During this offseason he's panned The Departed for being needlessly violent and expressed surprise that Matt Damon plays the title character in Saving Private Ryan, which he waited nine years to see. Here are some gems from today's installment:

i. One of the best discoveries of midlife: St. Patrick's Day. Never thought I'd love Guinness, but it's pretty close to the perfect beer.

k. Just discovering the iPod, one of the great inventions of all time, and my one recent find was Norah Jones. What an incredible voice. Shows what a music dolt I am that I barely knew her.

It's times like this I really wish there were some sort of way to express in writing that I'm holding my face in my hands and shaking me head. Where does one even BEGIN to ridicule a jackass this clueless? He's doing this on purpose, right?

Anyway, let's avoid the obvious diatribe and standard ridicule. I hereby open up the polls for Things Peter King Might Think He Thinks About Non-Football Thoughts in the Future.

"Tried meatloaf the other night. Delicious."

"Got another email from Sergeant McCarthy in Iraq. He thinks the Rams have a chance this year. I met him once, so he's probably right."

"The other day I had trouble getting up the stairs."

"Finally saw The Godfather last weekend. Who knew Al Pacino was so good? I sure didn't expect to see Marlon Brando in the title role!"

"Turns out Bob Dylan has a son. Jakob Dylan plays for a band called 'the Wallflowers.' Must be an ironic name -- I can see them headlining some big concerts. I can't stop listening to 'One Headlight' on my iPod!"

"Have you seen Diane Keaton? What a looker!"

"Apparently the Red Sox spent a lot of money for this Jap fellow. Wait, I'm being told I'm not allowed to say 'Jap.' When did that happen? Crazy. Everyone's so sensitive these days. I blame video games and violence in movies for making things worse than they used to be."

"Just got off the phone with Jerome Bettis. He thinks Nate Clements is worth the money in San Francisco. Can't say I like San Francisco. Too many hills. I had some tremendous sodomy there, though."

I'd do more, but thinking about this clown makes my head hurt. I invite you to add your PK mental diarrhea in the comments.

KSK Off-Topic: A Quick Note To All The Old, White (and occasionally Jewish) People In The National Sports Media

Just shut up about students storming the court already, Old, White (and occasionally Jewish) People.

We get it, you don't like it when fans storm the court or field after what you would not consider a "big win." I heard one of you on the radio today refer to it as "disgusting," which is a shameful overstatement, but I'll get back to that. You guys pull shit like this all the time whenever you see fans doing something you don't like, just like when people are booing your favorite athletes, like your favorite White Person, Derek Jeter:

Derek Jeter's getting booed! Nobody should be booing my Derek! He's earned the right to play at a mediocre level without reprisal from the populace! Whaaaaaaah!

You don't fucking get it, Old, White (and occasionally Jewish) People. We'll boo whomever the fuck we want. And we don't require a blessing from the national media to do so. It's not like you assholes are paying to get into these games.

Same rules apply with storming the field or court. It's not like students are storming the court after they lose. When your team wins an important conference game at home, you might as well get out there, because who knows when you'll win another one. If the practice allows a few on-campus couches to live another hour or so, how is that a bad thing?

Storming the court is special, sure, but its scope isn't limited to the world of sports. It's part of the college experience. Remember when you went to college, Old, White (and occasionally Jewish) People?

So, Old, White (and occasionally Jewish) People, maybe your time would be better spent by going back to traditional "sports talk," that is, your cryptic whining about how much you hate it that there are 25-year-old black kids out there making more money than you. That's where you Old, White People seem to excel. Dipshits.