Friday, March 7, 2008

Cosmo Said It, So It Must Be True!

Sure this is old news and it's already been covered pretty extensively in the sports blogosphere and even by the occasional leather fetishists, but it's never too late to make fun of douchebags. Unless they got cancer, then the window would probably have closed. But I digress...

Tony Romo joined John Mayer and the Original Cocksucker of Comedy, Dane Cook, as this year's winner of Cosmo's coveted Fun, Fearless Male award. I have no idea why anyone would consider these douches to be at the apex of fun and fearlessness. Before the event I would have assumed things broke down thusly...


Of course that was before I was aware that Dane and John have both gone spelunking inside of Jessica Simpson's velvet cave. Not only that, but last year's winner was Simpson's ex-reality show co-star/latch-key husband Nick Lachey.

All of this can only mean one thing...

Jessica Simpson's fuckhole is filled with treacherous booby traps.

That's what I said, BOOTY TRAPS!

Of course I'm just mad because I was overlooked for yet another year. Apparently juggling newborn babies and AIDS infected needles isn't quite fun and fearless enough for those frilly magazine writing philistines.

24 comments:

Dickens Cider said...

Original Cocksucker of Comedy, Dane Cook

classic

Big Daddy Drew said...

Hines Walled no rike scene whell Saroth rike Baby Looth.

Unsilent Majority said...

he rike ice cleam bettah?

Grimey said...

Tluffer Shuffer make me smirre

NeverNude said...

Locky Load

the great bambi said...

filled with treacherous booby traps?

fine i'll settle for a blow job and titty fuck

Pemulis said...

dubber oh negateeev

NeverNude said...

Drug Dealers wouldn't be caught dead in those Polyester Rags

Spud Randall said...

you elbowed his lip?

mamacita said...

I voted for you, Maj! Nothing says "fun and fearless" like "weed-smoking blogger."

NeverNude said...

@Spud... that's what you get when you look down Andi's sweater

Rocco said...

Douche? See
http://www.geocities.com/j00biethen00bie/douchebag.htm

Marmatard said...

Hahahaha you see one picture of Short Round and all of a sudden everybody is talking like Hines Ward.

Raskolnikov said...

How many men have died
In your dirty hoooooooooolllllllllle?


How many deadmen god (uh huh)

futuremrsrickankiel said...

God I hate Cosmo and all its crap. If I ever devolve into the type of girl that takes that glossy pile of garbage seriously, please take me out back and shoot me.

Phew! That was rant-y!

Marmatard said...

but i thought cosmo was useful for finding the g-spot

Lou Pickney said...

And to think, from the title I thought this article dwould be about Cosmo Kramer...

Burt Destruction said...

Okee dokey Doca Jones, hold on to your potatoes.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

"Jessica Simpson's fuckhole is filled with treacherous booby traps"

Next summer's blockbuster:

Indiana Jones and the Snatch of Doom

Barney said...

Marmatard - They often leave out step zero. Which is, "step away from the computer and find a room where there are people who HAVE G-spots."

Speaking of which...

smurphette said...

I subscribe to the Dave Chappelle view of Cosmo. There is no way that a woman who writes for that magazine has the inside scoop on how to please a man, and there certainly aren't more than 4 things on that list.

The Comish (sic) said...

Shouldn't the spot for Jesus be purple?

BEHM777 said...

Bravo futuremrs and smurphette for hating that vapid, vacuous and yeasty vagina rag Cosmo. I happen to think any woman that pays any real attention to that pulp should be drawn and quartered.

Slash said...

One look at Helen Gurley Brown should tell you all you need to know about Cosmo. That and the fact that they use the word "fearless" as a descriptor for both John Mayer and Dane Cook. "Fearless" isn't the first word that comes to mind when I see either of them.