Friday, March 14, 2008

2/3 KSK Mock Draft -- "Pick Your Plague"

WARNING: Some of the images in this post will offend your sensibilities. Don't complain about it in the comments, because we don't care. Hope you skipped breakfast this morning... -- MMP

The circumstances for this week's mock draft are a bit unique. We're not only missing The Maj, who is out in Colorado banging some other sports blogger (don't worry, it's not Chris Mottram), we're also missing El Flubbarino, who was detained for possession of an open container in front of a dentist's office early this morning.

So the four of us left over are going to draft infectious diseases. This edition might get the fewest comments in the history of this bit. Maj and Flub won't believe what they've missed! And to tell you more about is our Guest Draft Commissioner, former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop.

Good morning, Gay Mafia. As much as I am fundamentally against a malicious cadre of sports BLOGGERS whimsically selecting life-threatening diseases for the sake of your own amusement and that of others, this fine stack of T-shirts you've bequeathed to my foundation has put me in a most humble mood.

PUNTER: People will do anything for free T-shirts.

KOOP: Welcome to the Kissing Suzy Cobbler 2008 Disease Mock Draft. For each round, you will be asked to select one disease that will sweep the population of the earth, one disease for which no one will ever find a cure, vaccination, or remedy.

Also, no one will legally be allowed to raise money for treatment or research of this disease once it has been selected. You and your loved ones would enjoy immunity to this disease.

And any potential economic effects of the disease, depleted labor force, etc., would go unnoticed.

God is basically handing you the keys to the next plague and saying, "Pick something."

This draft shall proceed for three rounds. Mr. Ufford, you are on the clock.

1. CAPTAIN CAVEMAN - Zombie virus.

If you haven't read World War Z, then I'm not really sure we can be friends. That's the kind of apocalypse I'm looking for: I wouldn't get enough enjoyment merely knowing that the homeless and bitchy blog commenters all over the world were suffering the horrifying death of being eaten by zombies; I also want the responsibility of caving in their skulls before we move on to repopulate the earth.

DREW: That's not a real disease, dammit.

UFF: But it's so COOL.

APE: I say okay on zombie virus

DR. KOOP: I'm allowing it, because I've read the book and it is awesome.

UFF: SCORE! Best draft commissioner EVAR.


I really want to know what would happen to things like fashion and beauty if everyone was horrifyingly ugly. Of course for me, this would mean a lifetime of being raped by ugly people, but that would be my contribution to science.

3. CHRISTMAS APE - Glaucoma.

I will lead the kingdom of the blind. Also, this will cause marijuana to be instantly legalized.

DR. KOOP: So, Mr. Ape. Why is it that you are a Christmas Ape, and not, say a Thanksgiving Ape?

APE: /shrugs

4. BIG DADDY DREW - Alcoholism.

I want the world to go down partying hard. Everyone'll be buying slices at 4AM and administering sloppy oral sex to one another before aspirating to death. Apocalypse? More like a Shiner Bockalypse!

PUNTER: Mmmm, Shiner Bock.

UFF: Excellent pick, Drew.

DR. KOOP: A very creative first round, gentlemen. Mr. Drew, you have the first selection for Round 2.

5. BIG DADDY DREW - Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD!)

That way, we all die drunk AND skinny!

6. CHRISTMAS APE - Alzheimer's Disease.

What? Who took your car? Fuck if I know. I'm just the guy you owe $1,000 to.

7. MONDAY MORNING PUNTER - Penis grows on Stomach.

I couldn't risk Ufford taking it.

UFF: Not to quibble, but how is that deadly? Seems more like a pleasant mutation.

DR. KOOP: I can assure you, having genetalia located directly on your abdomen is not pleasant.

PUNTER: Doesn't have to be deadly...does it?

DR. KOOP: That's not specified in the rules.

UFF: Doesn't have to be deadly? Hardly the words I expect from a Republican. I would only expect that kind of pussified attitude from Drew.

DREW: Hey, I picked deadly diseases. They just also happen to be awesome.

PUNTER: I suppose I was thinking more scientific than apocalyptic. I'm going to change my pick.


Because this (red) campaign just bugs the shit out of me. You really think I want to spend an extra $20 on a cell phone because of AIDS? Why does my phone have to care about AIDS? My phone shouldn't care about shit. How ironic that I want everyone clamoring about AIDS to go fuck themselves and die.

APE: I was considering SARS just to validate all the bullshit I had to hear about it.

UFF: Interesting pick. I was considering AIDS, but then I realized that no girl would have sex without a condom once the pandemic started, and I want none of that.

PUNTER: I would shelter "potential girls with whom I could be fornicating" under the "loved ones" provision.

UFF: Oh, well played. You'd get crazy ass just from chicks who hate condoms. And, uh, that other subset of women who don't want to die of AIDS.


Before SARS and Asian Bird Flu were supposed to destroy us all, ebola was the super-contagious African virus that made everybody shit their pants. And it wasn't no bullshit respiratory ailment or deadly flu-like symptoms: ebola fucking MELTED YOUR GUTS and you died vomiting and shitting your melted guts and crying blood. Fuck yeah! Take that, everyone I hate... um, and billions of people I don't know.

DR. KOOP: Mr. Ufford, you also hold the first selection for our third and final round.


"Ooh, ow, I've got this really bad headache." Well, that's because a tapeworm's in your brain. You will now die.

PUNTER: I didn't realize Ufford's war room was a video store in 1988.

APE: That trailer for The Ruins with all those worms is fucking creepy.


Where are you fucking nets now, Rick Reilly?

UFF: Hey, your card says "moleria" on it. Is that the mosquito-borne disease in which infected people turn into moles?

DR. KOOP: Who's Rick Reilly?

11. CHRISTMAS APE - Hemophilia.

I've already got the populace blind and forgetful, but there's the outside chance for people to get on my nerves. Therefore I could make them susceptible to death with even the slightest injury.

12. BIG DADDY DREW - Nymphomania.

Drunken, skinny, horny people.

PUNTER: Once again, I had the worst draft of the lot.

UFF: I think I may have been a little too vindictive in my selections.That's so unlike me.

DR. KOOP: This concludes the 2008 Disease Draft.

PUNTER: Well, no shit.


Big Daddy Drew said...

I'll get you for that brainworm pic, you bastard.

Rob I said...

Anal fissures.

Let the stool of the world run forever red!!!!

N.J.G said...

ill take erectile dysfunction just to mess up all bdds picks.

limboman said...

“Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.”

DougOLis said...

that brainworms picture was absolutely vile. there goes my breakfast. fuck you CC.

My first pick: The first and greatest plague of all - rivers turn to blood

Tracer Bullet said...

Excellent call on nymphomania.

Bubonic plauge, bitches! The Original Black Death. How did that last this long?

QueeferSuthrland said...

Punter, not just sure, you're HIV positive.

John S. said...

Captain Trips Superflu.

Couple of days, almost everyone is gone, and I can start ruling the world.

Smello said...

Yeah, the brainworms picture is making my oatmeal slightly less appetizing.

My pick - vampirism.

Murderface said...

What, no love for Fatal Familial Insomnia? You get to middle age. One night, you can't get to sleep. This condition persists for 7 to 36 months until you go batshit insane, then catatonic, then die.

Fuck that.

swing4 said...

Paper cuts.

My Catholic guilt prevents me from wishing actual death upon you... but constant, low-grade irritation, that's another story.

Peter King Crowned My Ass said...

MMP would probably settle for "Penis Grows Anywhere" disease.

John S. said...

Oh... and if it has to be a REAL disease, I am going with Klinefelter's syndrome. You know... XXY disease. This way, the world will be populated with a bunch of girly sterile men (except myself) and it will be up to me to keep the human race alive.

Yeah... sure, alot like living in San Francisco, but, without the patchouli chicks

Skye said...

Spanish Flu, Great Pandemic of the 20th Century...its coming back to kill all our asses!

And if that isn't satisfactory then cholera.

E. Jason said...

I'm going with dengue fever.

Also known as "breakbone fever". Shit doesn't tickle.

devang said...

Lou Gehrig's Disease.

I especially wish it upon that Napoleonic douchefuck Bob Costas. I used to like him, but I now have to kill him.

To wit: ''I understand with newspapers struggling and hoping to hold on to, or possibly expand their audiences, I understand why they do what they do,'' Costas said. 'But it's one thing if somebody just sets up a blog from their mother's basement in Albuquerque and they are who they are, and they're a pathetic get-a-life loser, but now that pathetic get-a-life loser can piggyback onto someone who actually has some level of professional accountability and they can be comment No. 17 on Dan Le Batard's column or Bernie Miklasz' column in St. Louis. That, in most cases, grants a forum to somebody who has no particular insight or responsibility. Most of it is a combination of ignorance or invective.''

Please just die.

DougOLis said...

"A plague a' both your houses! I am sped."

Whatever the plague Mercutio wishes upon our houses.

JAMMQ said...


quiet strength said...

Syphilis. Or as it's referred to in the Lifetime original movie "She's Too Young," The Big S.

Tracer Bullet said...

Hanta Virus. Choke to death on your own lungs.

Otto Man said...

You were right -- the pictures kept me from reading the post.

If you're going to show a full frontal picture of C. Everett Koop's Amish beard, you better put up a NSFW warning first.

smurphette said...

Everyone'll be buying slices at 4AM

Nothing like a little jumbo slice after closing down Dan's Cafe. Which is exactly what I will be doing tonight.

I pick Amoebic Dysentery.

Armchair Strong Safety said...

I was always getting that shit in Oregon Trail.

Otto Man said...

Has Disco Fever been taken?

Citizen 10Cane said...

I just bought World War Z last week and I'm only halfway through it. Can I be your half-friend??

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Ooh, Smello, GOOD CALL on the vampirism. Steal of the draft right there.

I'm going to draft cholera. That way, I can at least have a passionate love affair while I'm dying.

quiet strength said...

But Future Mrs. you would be immune, which just lead to 100 years of solitude.

Leaking Geek said...

Septicemic Plague - All the great symptoms of the flu, with bleeding into the skin and organs as a Monty Python "Bring-Out-Your-Dead" bonus.

PS: Brain Worms - make great pets.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Quiet Strength, you get a hug -- or, as we say in the old country, "un abrazo".

Joe K said...

world war z is awesome.

zombie virus ftw

Upstate Underdog said...

Radiation poisoning/sickness would not be a lot of fun.

Tracer Bullet said...


Colts and Hoosiers Fan said...

Chlamydia. Just because it sounds cool.

Wally said...

Are you kidding me? Nobody has taken cancer yet? Amazing draft steal...

Otto Man said...

Tourette's Syndrome.

Cursing and violence, 24/7.

RexyBack said...

The same people bitching and moaning about tubgirl back in the "Website to crash" draft are posting shock value pics of brainworms. Unreal!

becky said...


Biting? Fuck yes.
Water? Fuck no.

Works for me.

quiet strength said...

Thank you - in keeping with Gabriel Garcia Marquez, I'll take a plague of five straight years of rain.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I bitched about that. And I hate Punter for putting up that pic.

Spud Randall said...

My only regret... is that I have... bonitis...

futuremrsrickankiel said...

GOD how did I forget about Bonitis?!

I'll jump on the Futurama bandwagon, and draft the Obedience Virus that Bender gets in the movie.

Slothrop said...

I'm taking SIDS because I hate children.

ASmith said...

I'll take hypertrichosis, please.

That's the "wolfman" disease as seen here:

I thought it would be funny if everyone was Teen Wolf.

devang said...

Necrotizing fasciitis or fasciitis necroticans, commonly known as “flesh-eating bacteria." Mark Mangino can finally slim down.

'Nuff said.

Oh, and futuremrs, that picture of yours looks a little like a brunette Britney Spears.

DougOLis said...

Yellow Fever - Everybody loves Asians!

Kenneth Griggs said...


And me and the Mighty Quinn are out.

Grimey said...

@quiet strength and futuremrs: This entire thread is practically a chronicle of a death foretold

DougOLis said...

@Devang - that's just mean

Tracer Bullet said...

Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. From the CDC: "CJD is characterized by rapidly progressive dementia. Initially, patients experience problems with muscular coordination; personality changes, including impaired memory, judgment, and thinking; and impaired vision. People with the disease also may experience insomnia, depression, or unusual sensations. CJD does not cause a fever or other flu-like symptoms. As the illness progresses, the patients’ mental impairment becomes severe. They often develop involuntary muscle jerks called myoclonus, and they may go blind. They eventually lose the ability to move and speak and enter a coma. Pneumonia and other infections often occur in these patients and can lead to death."

Much as I'd miss the screams of the dying, I can't resist the opportunity to go "people tipping."

devang said...

No meanness on my part, just an observation. She's cool.

Any Princeton grad is who can throw dow beers is ok in my book

droz said...

Fan death is a South Korean urban legend which states that an electric fan, if left running overnight in a closed room, can result in the death (by suffocation, poisoning, or hypothermia) of those inside. This belief also extends to air conditioners. Fans manufactured and sold in Korea are equipped with a timer switch that turns them off after a set number of minutes, which users are frequently urged to set when going to sleep with a fan on.

i found this on wiki's disease list, so it counts, right?

smurphette said...


JohnDewar said...

Has anyone taken priapism?

Bill Belichick said...

Tetanus is my pick. Lockjaw=never having to hear the people you hate talk again. Bonus: people have to be impaled by rusty metal. Score!

grungedave said...

Alcoholism is a disease!

No, cancer is a disease. Drew just needs to drink less!

/seemingly necessary South Park joke.

Pepster said...

Piggybackying on dougolis, I say ...

"Jungle Fever".

My Insignificant Life said...


/ regressing back to childhood

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

I'm surprised nobody from Bahston took Sickle Cell Anemia.

J.L. White said...

This is a football blog, right? Well, since I want nothing more than a Seahawks championship, I'd invariably count them amongst my "loved ones", then I'd wish Osteoporosis on everyone else. The Seahawks would cruise to a 19-0 record as every opposing player will break a bone within 20 minutes.

Just imagine if Trent Green somehow lasted until the Seahawks game, and Patrick Kearney sacked him, leaving nothing behind but a pile of dust!

quiet strength said...

Psychosis. That'll provide plenty of entertainment.

Comicbook Guy said...

Explosive diarrhea

Welcome back my friends to the crap that never ends

Animal Mother said...

@ comicbook guy

An ELP Brain Salad Surgery reference, nice.

J said...

Drew your in uhhh, prime playing shape there buddy?

I'm not sure why someone ever felt the need to make a cute and friendly stuffed version of the ebola virus but that's ok we'll run with it...

LewDog said...

Shit yeah World War Z. Lil shout out to the Claremont Colleges for winning the war. Yeah I know you've never heard of em but FUCK YOU!

Kyle321N said...

I'm taking dwarfism.

Fuck and yes!

A bunch of Warwick Davis-es running around.

BEHM777 said...

Pulmonary Hypertension.

@lewdog...I used to live in Claremont, on West Bonita Ave. A buddy of mine still teaches at Claremont McKenna college.

Pale Writer said...

I need to get this off my chest:

World War Z was an excellent idea but poorly written. I've been holding that in for so long. I wanted to love it, like really love it. It's just...he sucks at dialogue. People do not talk like that. Ever. I loved the idea and look forward to the movie where, hopefully, a screenwriter will fix that shit.

And I'll take yellow fever.

/looks at Michelle Kwan. Pities her.