Monday, March 3, 2008

Brady Quinn Expects To Compete For Browns' Starting Job, Affection Of Other Men

When Quinn walked into the green room for the NFL Draft last April, he probably thought he was going to be a top ten pick, maybe even go number one. But he didn't, as you'll recall. He went 22nd.

When Charlie Frye shit the bed in Week One, Quinn thought he was probably going to get a huge bump in playing time, maybe even start a few games in his rookie season. But he didn't. Derek Anderson jumped in and set the NFL ablaze, jump-starting the Browns to a 10-win season, and probably saving Battletoad Crennel's job in the process.

And when Horse Balls finally got paid in free agency, with guaranteed money nearly double what Quinn is slated to earn, one would suspect that the Columbus, Ohio native had finally learned his place in the League.

Yeah, not so much. He's expecting an open competition in training camp.


“My whole goal is preparing myself and getting ready to try to take over the starting job and lead this team,” Quinn said Saturday during [sexual intercourse with two other men, three underage boys, and a dalmatian for] an appearance at an auto show.

Browns GM Phil Savage, who's like Ozzie Newsome, except he's white and never played in the league, and a lot younger, has Anderson locked in as the starter:


"When you sign a contract like we did with Derek, I don't think there's going to be an 'open [rest stop exit for homosexual athletes to engage in any sort of] competition'," Browns general manager Phil Savage said. "We go in with Derek as the lead horse. You don't sign a contract like that and say, 'hey, it's an open competition'."

However, Coach Crennel is insinuating that Brady Lite will get a look:


"You have to [have the occasional sphincter stretching if you expect to get better as a football team or they're gonna bring in some damn white boy to] compete for your job. That's the same at the quarterback spot [where we have a nice dichotomy between super-masculine and downright Nancified, and then a third guy who I don't know much about]. Both of those guys [and that one girl from Notre Dame] are going to compete and then we'll see who gives us the best chance. We've always done it that way and that's what we're going to do [right after I polish off this rack of ribs, some baked beans, slaw, brisket, pork tenderloin and extra-large Barqs root beer. Holy shit, I love root beer]."

I'll never understand coachspeak.

24 comments:

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Brady Quinn-bashing : FutureMrs :: Patriots-hating : everyone else on this site


As long as we're talking about QBs and people being gay (when are we not, really?), Peter King's SI article on how Matt Ryan managed to turn heads at the combine without really doing a damn this suggests he may be leaving Favre for a new trophy quarterback...

Mamula Blues said...

"We're going in with Derek as the lead horse[balls]."

futuremrsrickankiel said...

"damn this" = "damn thing"

Sorry.

Otto Man said...

I believe Bob Dylan said it best:

Nobody can get no sleep,
There's someone on ev'ryone's toes
But when Quinn the Eskimo gets here,
Ev'rybody's gonna wanna doze.

Come all without
Come all within,
You'll not see nothing
Like the mighty Quinn.

miamidiesel said...

I liked this quote from Savage in King's MMQB on the Anderson deal:

""The war that we won was the three-year deal,'' said Savage. "We didn't have to sign him for four or five years. And we still keep the Brady Quinn flame alive.''

The Brady Quinn flame? Flame on my friend, flame on...

Skye said...

@otto man:

You know some asshole journalist and the whole city of Cleveland is just waiting to use that reference and song.

I hope that day never comes.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

@Otto - I'm freaking out man.

My Insignificant Life said...

Nice to see that KSK can move so easliy from guns to gays and not skip a beat. Paradise, simply paradise.

the great bambi said...

@ chris

you are freaking out...man

smurphette said...

The Battletoad comparison always makes me giggle, without fail.

quiet strength said...

I always wonder what Romeo Crennel's parents envisioned their baby growing up looking like when they gave him his name...

Texas Adam said...

This is the greatest post in the history of blogs.

BEHM777 said...

@ quiet strength

THAT was cold. VERY cold.

Otto Man said...

QS, I'm assuming they thought he'd weigh as much as an Alfa Romeo.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

Brady is tired of having to compete for the love of another man.

SlideShow Bob said...

Barqs has bite

Dueling Couches said...

http://duelingcouches.blogspot.com/

up to min sports blog

larry b said...

Speaking of Horse Balls,

www.horseballs.com

Despite the URL, it's SFW and completely hilarious. Be sure to watch the videos. SFW. I swear.

Mongo said...

@larry b

Hilarious doesn't even start to describe it.

From the products page: BigBall(TM) and BiggerBall(TM) for training or recreation.

And the pictures of the 2 girls under Horseballs(R) accessories... file under Catherine the Great?


@no one in general but should keep the haterade flowing
And Randy Moss resigned with the Patriots for 3 years

frank said...

formarly Pain-therfan:

I'm working on something here. I need help. Some chick, or dude is trying to scam me off a dating website...I want to have some fun. I need myspace friends...I hate that fucking thing but this could be fun...She has put up a page specifically to help in the con, and I am going to flirt at her from all angles...poon hound is first, followed by unusually nice, almost gay guy then normal guy...any help would be great...thanks guys

progile:phranklydontgivadam

whopayschildsupport said...

I'm sure the second Subway saw Anderson's new contract they immediately contacted Quinn for another commercial... he sure loves the footlongs on white bread.

@futuremrsrickankiel-

Really, Rick Ankiel? Is it just you or are all Boston fans already looking for the next former Cardinal outfielder to grossly overpay?

TheNaturalMevs said...

I hope you don't have a nervous breakdown with Brady serves you a shitburger to eat and takes Andersons job.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Good luck treating the hemmorroids from riding the bench Brady. I hear the scout team is pretty damn competitive.

larry b said...

I hope thenaturalmevs is a big proofreads his aggressive comments before in the future submitting. Yay Brady!