Thursday, March 6, 2008

I’m Gonna Miss This Game, But I Think I’ll Miss Your Pathetic Asskissing Most Of All


You know I was on a plane comin’ up here today. And I was tryin’ to think of a way to let y’all here know that I was finished with football. And it was just so hard, because it brought back all these memories for me. There was the time we won the Super Bowl back in ’96. And all the great games we had this year on the way to the NFC title game. I thought about all that. And it’s just so hard to let that go. I’m gonna miss this game.

(chokes up)

But more than that, I’m gonna miss all the incredibly pathetic asskissing most of all.

I’m gonna miss the way all y’all used to hang on my nuts like they were a set of monkey bars. I’m gonna miss all the relentless verbal fellatio and paeans to my greatness that verged on being some kind of written rimjob. I loved that. THAT’S WHY I PLAYED FOOTBALL, MAN!

Hey, Peter! Man, you remember when I had that one autograph-seeking girl join us for dinner, and she was real excited? And then you almost came in your pants at my casual, aw-shucks way of including everyone?

(fights back tears)

I’m gonna miss that.

And Cris Collinsworth! Remember how you said just talking to me for a few minutes could help make anyone a better person? Jesus, am I gonna miss that kind of blind sycophancy! It was like you was flossin’ with my ass hair! I could practically taste your Aveda hair gel on the back of my teeth!

(grabs tissues)

I’m sorry. I just… I just didn’t realize it would be this hard. This is harder than Madden’s cock after watching me throw an interception 40 yards down the field.

I know I can still play this game. I really do. But I am just not prepared mentally to get back into the grind. Even though y’all would probably love that angle. FAVRE’S DEVIL-MAY-CARE APPROACH TO TAPE STUDY JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK! I could see Wright Thompson writing a headline like that. But, in the end, I just can’t risk you guys potentially wising up to me next year and actually daring to criticize me.

(starts openly crying)

I just can’t play football like that. I can’t.

As they say, all good things must come to an end. And this was definitely a good thing. I’m not sure anyone in this game has had the kind of good fortune that I’ve had, to have a press corps so clearly willing to get on their knees and do a little ball-bobbin’ on ol’ Number 4. I can’t tell you how much I appreciated all you did to hide my flaws and work my shaft as vigorously as possible.

(dabs tears)

I’m sorry. I said I wouldn’t get emotional. But it’s just so hard when I know how well Chris Berman has jostled my testicles in his big, meaty hands all these years.

I’ve watched hundreds of players retire over the years, and I’ve always wondered what it would be like. I thought maybe King would show up completely stripped down, slathered in baby oil and riding some kind of Sybian machine. And he is! I thought I was prepared for that, but it’s just gonna be so dang hard to give up!

(cries)

Is this the right level of grief? I really want to come off as emotional as possible here so y'all'll immortalize this moment like I'm Lou fucking Gehrig. This is my last good chance to soak in the moment and let y'all drink deep the sweat off my taint. I can't believe this is the last time!

(cries more)

But this is the right time to go. I said I wanted to go out on top. And I am. I am going out on top. Of Brian Baldinger. With my cock plunged pubes-deep into his meatpie.

(sobs heavily)

God, I will miss this!

53 comments:

tecmo said...

Wow. Never pictured King on a sybian before. I'm horrified

Raskolnikov said...

Never pictured King on a sybian before.

That's the next Howard Stern episode.

Billy said...

Deanna had better have been working out to fill this void in her mealticket's life.

Billy said...

Working out = Bought a snorkle

reservewindyplacekickerholder said...

I kinda thought he might miss the Vicodin more.

1972DavidBowieFromTheZiggyStardustTour said...

Sweet Jesus that was amazing.

The best part was Collinsworth gelling his asshair.

This post was inspiriational.

Gern said...

Not his meatpie, his man-gina.

smurphette said...

hide my flaws and work my shaft as vigorously as possible.

Really, boys, that's all it takes? Now you tell me.

lanceoceanside said...

Chances are your teams QB's a big fucking pussy.

Love,

Wisconsin

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

In other news some fat guy for the Raiders retired today.

lanceoceanside said...

and now so is ours :(

#12?

the great bambi said...

no homerism tag with that vikings rule?

Moof! said...

I really really hope he gets charged with a DUI. I've had dreams of this magnificent day since I was 10 and became a Vikings fan. Scratch that, I hope he dies.

GO VIKINGS
TARVARIS JACKSON #1 WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
PURPLE JESUS SHITS ON FAVRE

SlickBomb said...

The saddest thing about Favre's retirement is it means there is no long an opportunity to belittle the ridiculous character that is Brett Favre.

Right?

john said...

"... and let y'all drink deep the sweat off my taint."


Fucking brilliant.

Dickens Cider said...

Hey Vikings fans. I wonder who will win a Super Bowl first, you or the Lions?

dpiddy022 said...

you've really gotta love a post that has sycophancy and taint in it

/Favre 4-ever

lanceoceanside said...

Moof

I hope you fucking die. Purple Jesus?? Thats fucking gay. Nice fucking dome. Nice fucking gay purple uniforms. The Vikings are the lamest team in the NFL. How many Super Bowl Trophys do the queens have? OH YEAH..... FUCKING NONE!

Go Tavaris Jackson!!

Love,

Morten Anderson & Nate Poole

UeckersEats said...

You know, Aaron ROdgers is going to be the first "rookie" to begin his career as a starter being the best QB in his division hands-down.

F*ckLions = God's QB
BearGoggles = Neckbeard/Sexcannon
BiKings = InAction Jackson

Yeah, I'd feel good about starting Rodgers too.

hi there mary said...

I blame Favre's teeth: They are getting too sensitive, and he IS afraid of a 300-pound linebacker.

Big Daddy Drew said...

That's Gary Andersen, you insensitive brute.

brick said...

I doubt that King, Madden or Collinsworth even made the press conference. They are all to busy getting in line to such brady's balls... right behind Simmons

http://brickinthebox.blogspot.com/2008/03/2008-brickinthebox-mock-draft-new.html

Andrew said...

It's ironic that Green Bay's radio announcers, Wayne Laravee and Larry McCarren, never came close to the Kings and Maddens of the business in their vocal dick suckery.

That being said, Favre retiring makes me want to commit suicide.

Or sepuku, after a tutoring from Hines Ward.

Marmatard said...

Dear lanceoceanside,

Shut up.

bfreakin3 said...

THERE'S NO CRYING IN GUNSLINGING!!!!

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

In the Vikings defense, the Packers never had a party, on land or sea, like the Vikings.

Eli scoffs at the NFC North.

ciarannh said...

lanceoceanside,

I can see that your emotional, Brett's finally got his druthers and hitched back to Kiln, but purple jesus is far from gay. Fuck you and anyone else who questions the velvet saint

lanceoceanside said...

Adrian "All Day" Peterson is pretty good. I'm not aware of any velvet saint.

J said...

this is an utter sham and I demand better accuracy from this site...Madden's cock has never ever been hard and you know it!

/thanks Drew immensely

dick_gozinia said...

Little know fact about this press conference...


Peter King was under the table fondling Favre's coin purse the entire time.

/seahawks fans hate favre too.

Shoopmonster said...

I forgot how big of fucking sunts cheeseheads can be.

Barney said...

I don't worry much about the fate of retired QB's who could sell their old shoes for my net worth - and as someone who grew up near Green Bay in the 1960's and who has sat in the bars and steakhouses of a lot of the guys who played in Super Bowl 1 (and SB "zero") I've taken a VERY "my turn in the barrel, this to shall pass" attitude. Until "Moof" and "Lanceoceanside" sucked all the fun out of the ball juggling and taint sniffing with their death wish weak-tea hatorade. Comments like that make me wish you'd both find Ray Nitschke sized steaming dumps on your desks, like the ones you've left on my favorite sports site.

Go Pack and Go Cheeseheads (though I thankfully pre-date that gayness) - EXCEPT for you two.

- Barney Dannelke

Oil Can Boyd said...

The only reason Favre retired is because Peter Kings out of the country...you've got to pick your spots. Theres a rumor that Favre nearly retired back in 98 when he heard of a Peter King vacation to Malaysia.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Jesus H. Christ. Now I've got to worry about King down at Valley Ranch fellating his new gunslinger. God I hate that fucking term - what the fuck is this Tombstone?

Anyway, would it be too harsh to wish PK gets kidnapped by the Taliban this weekend?

Oil Can Boyd said...

Someone needs to spike PK's coffee with some heroin.

I dont know if Romo fits the "gunslinger" label. When I see Romo play I think frat guy at a Cancun foam party runnin around, madly grabbing every ass cheek insight. Whatever the word for that is.

LOV2H8 said...

I'd be pissed too if I was a Vikings fan. Pissed at my team's entire existence of NOT WINNING SHIT. Pissed that Purple Jesus will thrive, but the team will suck with a right handed and slower version of Michael Vick at QB and Gerald McRaney as the coach. I hate Peter King, like everyone else, and understand why people get sick of Favre, but some of you nancies need to step off.

Claude Balls said...

Hey Drew, your Lombardi envy is showing.

Word verification: vkngschok

Gern said...

There is absolutely no reason for anyone to kidnap Peter King. Think about it.

reckless said...

It's going to be real sad for you when Aaron Rodgers beats the Vikings, Drew.

whopayschildsupport said...

Even as a life long Bears fan it is sad to see the guy go... as many times as I've wished suffering on his family he's been great to watch.

Now im the NFC North we have, Rex Grossman, Aaron Rodgers, Jon Kitna, and Tavaris Jackson....

Kill me now please.

Otto Man said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Otto Man said...

Sweet Jesus, who knew the Packers' fans were as sensitive and whiny as the Patriots'?

Lighten up, lactards.

fallex said...

You seem like a class act, barney.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Barney said...

Otto Man - Just to be clear, you don't hear me bitching about FUCK YOU BRETT FAVRE tags, or any of the rest of it. In fact, the phrase "wooly-headed" and #04 are now, for better or worse, permanently linked in my head. I loved the gunslinger (although not in the prison shower way KSK would have it) and that press conference was STILL 7 hours too long. It was like waiting for Bush to diagram a sentence. Time went backwards.

No, as near as I can tell, if this site has a methodology, it would be "the tallest nail MUST be hammered down" - and that's fine by me.

- Barney Dannelke

Otto Man said...

Seriously, Barney, you might want to take your manners and civility and character and find a new place to visit aside from this syphilitic-ridden whorehouse.

Barney said...

Like this act is welcome anywhere - and besides, leaving didn't help Scott Joplin* so there's no hope for me.

'Sides, where else am I gonna get "lil bit lacist" and Peter King on a Sybian? I picture the WIDE gauge attachments and both dials jammed to the far right and an intern to throw switches on the breaker box for special moments.

- Barney Dannelke

*almost obligatory, in the tradition of KSK, obscure literary and/or historical tertiary reference.

Jez said...

Yeah, I'm tired of all the Favre coverage as well. Must be sad knowing that the Vikings will still lose both games to the Packers next season with or without Favre.

Otto Man said...

Alright, Barney. If FutureMrs. can be the exception to the "Pats fans are morons" rule, then you can be the exception to "Pack fans are lactards" rule.

Welcome aboard.

Drave said...

wow, props for mentioning the sybian

WuckFisconsin said...

I'm not sure what's funnier. . .the fact that anyone would be stupid enough to say that Minnesotans would be jealous of anything related to the state of Wisconsin, or that anyone would actually BELIEVE that Minnesotans would be jealous of anything related to the state of Wisconsin.

Honestly, if you were going to give the United States an enema, Wisconsin is where you'd stick the hose. All that fucking place is known for is cheese, and they're not even the best at that any more (California cheese FTW).

Throw in the fact that Packer fans make Yankee and Red Sox fans sound downright humble and grounded in reality by comparison and. . .well, what I'm really trying to say is "Fuck Wisconsin, because everything about it sucks."

And fuck Wisconsin again.

Barney said...

I'm sorry Mr. Anonymous poster, what was that you were saying? Didn't quite catch it through all that foam and spittle. Just because we gave this country two profoundly messed up and legendary serial killers and a VERY misguided Senator (I'm looking at you, ghost of Proxmire) doesn't preclude us having our share of nifty shit - like the Dells, the Mitchel Domes, some GREAT eating and drinking towns - not as great as Chi-town, but still great - some wonderful colleges and museums - and, oh, that Super Bowl Trophy, the one people like to kiss and fondle and rub up against like a dog in heat? I do believe they named it after someone who did some coaching in Wisconsin. And not Minnesota. But throw the sex our way if you must. We're pretty good at the fucking as well. See you in the fall.

Narts said...

Drew just wrote this post to find a new group of fans to make fun of. Packer fans, you've just become one of the cast of characters of KSK. Good for you.

For God's sake, it's cold in Wisconsin, you'd think these fans would have thicker skin. Instead, someone says a discouraging word about their football lord and savior and they go all bat-shit crazy like you bent their each of their mothers over the kitchen table and went to town on her during Easter dinner.

He's a football player. He doesn't know you personally. You are a speck in a sea of fans. You make a speck of the money he has. Put it in perspective, you're willing to make an ass out of yourself for a man who doesn't know you exist.

Narts said...

Oh yeah, and Bart Starr was a far better quarterback than Favre. Just thought I'd put that out there... The media and Green Bay fans give him too much leash. If any other QB screwed up as often as he has in the past 10 years in the playoffs, they wouldn't have a job...