Friday, March 7, 2008

KSK Mock Draft -- Your Ideal Vacation Destination


It seems someone forgot to disseminate the message that early March was the high blogger vacation season. So far we've already seen Drew hitting the vast unspoilt gun ranges of Vegas, Leitch stammering his drink orders at Turks and Caicos and now Ufford off overthrowing some Central American dictator somewhere for fun and profit.

The rest of us are left to dream of what may be until we can scam enough money off the government or get enough page views on that Deadspin weekend post (more sexy pics!)

The rules for this draft were far less clearly defined than those in the past. But then, this is vacay, no need to get hung up on particulars, right? It boils down to whatever place you'd like to while away some of that precious down time, as long as the place, you know, exists (no Black Man's Heaven for Maj, no Robot Hell for flubby).

Got it? Good.

Shoving off...

1. Drew -- Lake Como, Italy


Drew [So sure of himself, he offers nothing in the way of elaboration]

flubby: [Citing something accurate sounding] "Lake Como is too polluted to swim in, with colony-forming units of bacteria at 68 times the safe limit for bathing, with a real risk for bathers of contracting skin infections, dermatitis and even salmonella."

Drew: Well, shit

Ufford: BWAHAHAHAHA

Unsilent: Lake Como is the new Kwame Brown

2. Punter -- Sydney, Australia

"Awesome weather, awesome attractions, awesome accents. Plus it's a continent and a country! But if I catch myself saying "throw another shrimp on the barbie," I'll kick myself in the nuts."

This came as a immense shock to the rest of us. I mean, Jared Hess has never filmed a movie on location in Sydney.

3. Ape -- Dubai, United Arab Emirates

The city is shaping up to be Vegas on Arab oil steroids. I'll have to swipe the Maj's answer from the country draft last year.

"Their government established free zones have resulted in an economic boom that makes oil money look passe. Of course the first thing to catch your eye is their ostentatious architecture, and who wouldn't want to play a game of rooftop tennis overlooking the Gulf of Oman. They've built their own fucking island in the likeness of a palm tree and now just look at what the Donald is about to build. Hey Trump, Georgia O'Keeffe thinks that's a bit on the nose."

Drew: Have fun trying to buy a whore there, Romeo.

Unsilent: Ape is scrambling to fill out a job application for Halliburton.

4. flubby -- Ibiza


I can party with some Eurotrash.

(likely actual vacation spot: Gatlinburg or worse)

5. Maj -- Amsterdam



It's no Lake Como, but it does have the Van Gogh Museum and Anne Frank House. Sure it's not flashy, but...oh yeah, WEED AND HOOKERS!

Morons.

Might want to get there soon, Maj, as the Dutch are acting fast to make sure you won't ever want to go. But, yeah, I've been to the Anne Frank House. It's a blast and a half. Those floorboards are loud as fuck. I'm pretty sure I would've been found by the Nazis within minutes.

6. Ufford -- Brisbane, Australia.

I went to Sydney in July and it was fucking cold and filled with Brits. Brisbane is a little further north, has better surfing, and is referred to by Australians as "Bris Vegas." Score.

Bris Vegas sounds like some sort of massive mohel competition, but, sure, we'll all take turns taking Aussie towns. Melbourne might be a good value here.

7. Ufford -- Maui, Hawaii.

I wanted to pick an American destination in the event that my passport gets revoked; besides, I really appreciate it when I go somewhere and everyone speaks English. I've been to Oahu, and I thought it was amazing despite the tourist hellhole of Honolulu, so Maui can only be better.

Drew: Amsterdam? Maui? BOOOOORING.

Ufford: Hey, someone beat us to the best polluted lakes.

Drew: At least you can't book my vacation spot at Liberty Travel.

Ufford: Wait a second here. Is Drew presuming his choice is better because FEWER PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT IT? I am shocked. Absolutely shocked. Totally out of character.

Drew and Ufford at some point relocated their fight to the set of The View.

8. The Maj -- Kauai, HI

Princeville Resort is fucking incredible. I don't care if another Hawaiian island has been taken, or if it's boring in Drew's feeble eyes.

Hawaii and Australia are the big alma maters going in this draft. Penn State likely to drop very far.

9. flubby -- Anguilla.

It's NOT exactly the same as all the other Caribbean countries-- for example they wear BLUE cricket jerseys there.

10. Ape -- Canary Islands


Idyllic tropical paradise. And if some shit goes down, I'll know before anyone else!

Then, of course, Drew and Ufford got back to bickering.

Ufford: "Listen, if it takes fewer than two flight transfers and less than three hours of ground travel once I get there, it's not even worth going to."

Drew: I'm not ashamed to choose my vacations in the snobbiest way possible. /can't wait to pick Gatsby's mansion

11. Punter -- Gatsby's Mansion

Careful driving around West Egg, Punter.

12. Drew -- Mustique

Gorgeous, and reserved only for the filthy rich. Me and Keef can go climbing up coconut trees together.

Maj: Assuming either one of you is sober...and not fucking the other one in the ass.

Maj: Bristol, CT is falling like a rock!

There you have it. Our best vacation ideas ever and the attending best reasons never to go to them with each other. Now let us never speak of them again.

97 comments:

Tracer Bullet said...

Las Brisas Resort Ixtapa, Acapulco. I've wanted to go there ever since it was featured in the 25th anniversary Swimsuit Issue and I'm taking Kathy Ireland with me.

Greg Schuler said...

Bear Gryll's island.

quiet strength said...

Mar del Plata, Argentina. Hooray for hot latin women.

Otto Man said...

I can't believe UM took Kauai.

I guess I'll go with the Happiest Place on Earth -- Tijuana!

E. Jason said...

Necker island. I'm stealing Richard Branson's pad. And his money.

Unsilent Majority said...

Honorable mention: Piedmont, Italy

what's wrong with Kauai? Better than fucking Bruges.

E. Jason said...

the Maj gets a slow clap for the Bruges reference.

*slow clap*

Unsilent Majority said...

If I'd grown up on a farm and was retarded, Bruges might impress me, but I didn't, so it doesn't.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

I will take Monaco, and laugh at you all from my extremely large yacht parked in the bay.

JDA said...

The Maldives.

http://www3.nationalgeographic.com/places/images/photos/photo_lg_maldives.jpg

the great bambi said...

Santorini, Greece

if i'm lucky, i'll run into ron white

runningbyrd said...

Umm, tahiti.

I can't believe i get to take this.

Hotel rooms over the water, fucking amazing beaches. Amazing water.

http://www.tahiti-tourisme.com/

Tracer Bullet said...

Thailand. I foresee a debauched aristocrat-type of existance with scotch for breakfast, opium at lunch, four hours on the beach, a massage from my houseboy Ling , a dinner of scotch and steak, out to the clubs for more scotch and I wind up the evening with a pair of double-jointed 16-year-old twin sisters.

Also, I need a ruling. Is this restricted to the present because there are a lot of places I'd like to visit at a particular time.

DougOLis said...

Space - yep, that's right bitches, space. None of your all asses have been and I can laugh at how small and inconsequential you are when I'm up there.

Otto Man said...

what's wrong with Kauai?

Not a thing, Little Miss Sensitive. I meant I couldn't believe you took it and cockblocked me.

I spent my honeymoon there, including three glorious days at Princeville. When I die, I want to have a Viking funeral in that horizon pool with the bar in the middle.

But the whole island was amazing. Gorgeous beaches, Waimea Canyon, the surfing coast at Honalee, and consistently the best food I've ever had in my life.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

I will also take Panama - Bananas and Blow? Yes please.

Upstate Underdog said...

Bermuda: clean, everyone speaks english, golf courses, beaches and you can wear shorts to work.

John S. said...

Seychelles.

Look it up yourself.

quiet strength said...

Karimunjawa, Indonesia.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Rio during Carnivale.

YOINK

Permanent4 said...

Melbourne, Australia, on Grand Final Weekend.

Yes, I'm that big a football geek.

El Duffo O Muerte said...

Rand McNally. Where people wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people.

the great bambi said...

Dublin, Ireland

i had my warm retreat, time to go just get piss ass drunk with the experts, plus i can go to a castle or two

MicroscopicElvis said...

Drundridge Ranch, Squatter's Craw, Australia

Spud Randall said...

Sao Paulo cause Rio got yoink-ed

Smello said...

Maybe that's what hell is, an entire eternity spent in Bruges.

Kauai is awesome.

While I'm a big fan of the tropical vacation, I sunburn if I even think about going outside for more than 5 minutes, so I'm taking a ski in/ski out condo with it's own hot tub at Whistler Blackcomb in BC. Huge number of runs, variety of terrain, many different places to get beer, good food & good spas.

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

Boston

/ducks

J said...

Grand Cayman Islands - Too expensive to live on (poverty line is around 50k a year), but just expensive enough to go there and do some illegal banking and feel like the fucking man....

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Dubrovnik, Croatia

What Prague was before it EU pussification and US study abroad turned it into the real AbsintheDisney.

Everything's legal, and it has beaches and eurotrash, once you get past the K-Swiss jumpsuits Croatians are better than long islanders.

brad said...

San Juan, PR

denvergodfather said...

New Zealand South Island
Great trout fishing beautiful vistas

Greg Schuler said...

Grafenwoehr, Germany.

A delightful little town with a fine selection of hotels and restaurants. Don't forget to spend a day at Hohefehls - it's absolutely charming!

fallex said...

What part of your vacation makes you all become wealthy aristocrats?

I'll take Costa Rica. Never been, but I hear it's nice and cheap once you are there.

Jim U. said...

The Speyside region of Scotland. I'm just going to drown myself on the world's best whisky.

Spud Randall said...

Jamrock.

I want to pass the dutchie on the left hand side mon.

My Insignificant Life said...

Fiji....white sand beaches, scuba diving beyond compare, warm breezes, huts right on the ocean....middle of nowhere, no clocks, no bothers, nothing but peace and quiet.

devang said...

Goa, India. Look it up.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Paris. You got a bottle of cheap french wine and a fresh baguette, you got yourself a good day.

fallex said...

Also, going somewhere (Australia) in the middle of winter (July) and complaining about cold is fucking rich. Those wacky hemispheres!

Ben said...

Barcelona. Still sad I didn't go there while I was in Europe for 4 months.

the great bambi said...

@ devang

jason bourne may kill you there though


Madagascar


everyone's taking australia so i'll go somewhere else to see crazy animals

brad said...

Barbados

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

San Sebastian, Spain

/wipes dick on the curtains before exiting fancy georgetown party

Smello said...

Bora Bora

I'll need to relax after all that skiing.

quiet strength said...

Aitutaki.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Stockholm Sweden

Citizen 10Cane said...

Imagination Land!

Where you burp where you fart, and you fart where you burp!

Indeed, that's how it happens.

Tracer Bullet said...

The Swiss Alps. I don't give a shit about skiing, I just love chocolate and banging white chicks.

smurphette said...

I pick the Dominican Republic.

@Ape: In my office, Dubai is simply referred to as The Future.

Otto Man said...

Has the Land of Chocolate been taken?

runningbyrd said...

Um, smello, bora bora is off the board.

Smello said...

Huh - really? I didn't notice, but I'll just island hop & take Tahaa.

runningbyrd said...

ACtually, smello, all of tahiti is off the board, but i'll let you come visit, just so there's someone there to talk football with.

Smurftastic said...

Wow there has been a lot of Belgium hating. I spent a summer studying there, and though Bruges is subpar, the 13% alcoholic beer probably makes up for it. That said, I take Leuven, Belgium. Small town, near Brussels if I need big city stuff. College town, so always students to party with. Oh, and the longest outdoor bar in Belgium. 30 bars all connected, serving the finest beer the world has to offer. Plus pretty much everyone speaks English.

devang said...

St.Maarten (Dutch Side). Fucking. Awesome. Beaches.

the great bambi said...

North Pole

I'm finding Santa and getting an explanation for my lack of a Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifle BB gun with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time

Greg Schuler said...

Falkland Islands.

DougOLis said...

Bonaire- Best scuba diving in the world; not a lot to see on the top side (good parties though), but it's amazing in the water. Perfect waters, beautiful and exotic fish, and some of the best coral reefs.

Bamo

quiet strength said...

Jessica Alba's bed, thank you very much.

the great bambi said...

your winner? quiet strength

ASmith said...

I would have so liked to have been on that Mexico vacation with Jessica Simpson, Tony Romo, Jason Witten, and Joe Simpson.

Not awkward at all to go on a romantic vacation with your girlfriend's dad. Nope.

(Never go on vacation with girlfriend or wife's dad.)

naptown drew said...

I'll be smokin' trees in Belize when you find me.

Smello said...

runningbyrd - I always thought each island was its own entity. Thanks for letting me visit.

Smurftastic - I think it's less actual hating on our parts and more enjoyment of the movie that portrayed some quality hating.

My next pick is Shanghai.

Rusty Trombone said...

Jess Simpson's Velvet Caves, where only the most fun and fearless amongst us dare tread.

John John The Bastard said...

Vancouver, British Columbia.
Legal Coffee Shops? Check
More Potent Beer? Check
A bevvy of Asian and Aussie women? Check
Hockey? Check
Within Driving distance because I hate flying internationally? Check

quiet strength said...

Thank you bambi, I also thought Aitutaki was a solid pick. Oh, that's not what you were referring to?

mamacita said...

Punta del Este. I hate tan lines.

Bill Belichick said...

I'll take Jerusalem in Israel. I hear its tourism department is blowing up!

ASmith said...

I'm surprised no one has taken Las Vegas considering Drew's mammoth post on his trip to this little place http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2008/03/ksk-field-trip-las-vegas-gun-range-and.html

the great bambi said...

yeah it really is da bomb!

dick_gozinia said...

Edinburgh, Scotland.

Great beer. Great pubs. Hot ginger girls with accents I can't understand. I love that place.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Mar del Plata, Argentina. Hooray for hot latin women.

Thanks, quiet strength... that's actually where my family is from!

I'm a camping nut. I'll take a gorgeous backpacking trail in Alberta, my tent, and a pair of hiking boots over a beach where there's nothing to do any day. Plus, it's a scientifically proven fact that there's no beer quite as tasty as the one you crack open after a 15-mile hike up a cliff.

denvergodfather said...

First I am going with Mamacita if she will have me then I'll take Galapagos.

the great bambi said...

fine futuremrs. you take crappy canada, i'll go to Alaska and ANWR

Spud Randall said...

St. John, the most slept on Virgin

Mike said...

how is Tokyo not taken? bam!

dick_gozinia said...

Toronto.

I've just never had a bad time in Toronto. Many pitchers of Molson Canadian, many Cuban cigars (they're legal there!), and looks at many fit Canadian ladies. Good times, Toronto!

And they have hockey.

grungedave said...

Reykjavik, Iceland (only during summer months).

The Vikings were brilliant to call it "iceland" because it's actually green and has awesome landscapes. Plus, the only thing to do there is listen to music, drink a shitload and bang hot local women. Who love Americans. Score!

(oh, and Ape, I was born in Dubai - not an ideal vacation spot, unless "being beheaded" is an attraction for you)

the great bambi said...

@ dick_gozinia

labatt kicks molson's ass

futuremrsrickankiel said...

@dick_gozinia: Word. Canada is such an ideal and under-appreciated vacation spot.

In fact, I'm going to take coastal New Brunswick with my second pick.

dick_gozinia said...

@ bambi - ...but its way more to fun to order a "pitcher of canadian."

@ futuremrs - I loves me some Canadia. Aldo, if you go to the east coast, you can always try to find the Oak Island treasure. That's one of my life goals.

DougOLis said...

Ngorongoro Crater, The Serengeti, Tanzania - Where the "Kill Kill Kill" tag was invented

Smurftastic said...

Breckenridge, Colorado.

You can ski, booze and hot tub, but the people are less rich and uptight than Aspen or Vail. Plus I don't think they'd let me go to Aspen cause all I'd do was reference Aspen Extreme, which Wikipedia calls "Top Gun on the Ski Slopes." Wow.

Plus ski instructors? YUM.

John John The Bastard said...

I am gonna go to good old West Stockbridge, Mass. Hometown of, well, me?

Greg Schuler said...

Peleilu

Take your pick in this tropical Pacific paradise.

Smello said...

grungedave - I was considering Iceland. I have a small bottle of Reyka vodka on my desk (for emergencies) that the boss lady brought back for me. She said the trip was great.

My next pick - Martha's Vineyard. What can I say, I'm a New England girl. (But not a Pats fan...NEVER a Pats fan.)

DougOLis said...

One last place for me: Patagonia, Chile/Argentina. Do some hiking, horseback riding, and the best fishing in the world. $40 for a Chilean Sea Bass in the States? Fuck that, I'm pulling one straight out of the river with my bare hands.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

East St. Louis - Strip clubs, massage parlors, liquor stores, hotel rooms by the minute, prostitutes and drug dealers. Most fun I've ever had in one night.

I just wish I could remember more than just waking up in my truck at a stop light, truck still running, I'm asleep in the back seat and a cop is taping on my window to ask if I'm OK at 6:30 am while I try to hid the empty half gallon of Cuervo and wondering what happened to everyone else.

Barney said...

Whatever bars the Obama Press gang is drinking at on any given night. Yes, even if this means drinking in Wyoming. It would be worth not being anywhere near a decent single malt just for the gossip. Oh, and the cock blocking would be fierce, desperate and probably hilarious.

The Comish (sic) said...

Wow, barney. Desperately seeking out gossip and cock-blocking? Why do all that traveling when you can just watch a Designing Women marathon from your couch?

My choice: Banyan Tree, Phuket, Thailand. World class beaches, beautiful jungles, one of the best hotels in the world, supermodels, and a chance at "I'm Sorry Your Boyfriend Died In That Tidal Wave" sex.

Barney said...

I'm a political animal and I prefer women who speak English and look to be more than 9 years old - but YMMV. On the other hand, if political (or sports) gossip can be had in a bar on a great beach, well, that wins.

My PERFECT bar would be Al Swearengen's GEM during the week running up to the first territorial elections - but I'm not sure what the time and fictive constraints on this mock draft were.

As for DESIGNING WOMEN, shoulder pads on women are almost has horrifying as implants where you can see the stitching on the bags. Brrrr.

Jackin'4Beats said...

How can all of you forget about Jamaica. Not Kingston where you might get shot as you step off the plane.

But Montego Bay and Ocho Rios Jamaica. Land of sun, sand, weed and rum. Did I mention the island tang?

Keith said...

Capri kicks the ever-loving shit out of all of those options. And I can't believe that 92 posts have gone by, PLUS the Gay Mafia's draft, without Capri getting picked. You're all idiots.

Keith said...

Follow with Montreal, and I've got the best draft ever.

J said...

I'd like to vacation in Sienna Miller circa Layer Cake...

/isn't long winded

professor chaos said...

Brisbane???
Brisbane is Austrlia's capital of gayitude. You just took Sebastian Janikowski in the 2nd round.

Good choice on Sydney though.

I will take Burgundy (based in Beaunne - for the best red wines and french food).

Queenstown NZ... a constant party.

Sudipta Das said...

well there is no doubt that Italy is one of the best travel destination of this world, and it's always good to be there with friends & family. & now I am thinking about buying a Holiday villas there