It seems someone forgot to disseminate the message that early March was the high blogger vacation season. So far we've already seen Drew hitting the vast unspoilt gun ranges of Vegas, Leitch stammering his drink orders at Turks and Caicos and now Ufford off overthrowing some Central American dictator somewhere for fun and profit.
The rest of us are left to dream of what may be until we can scam enough money off the government or get enough page views on that Deadspin weekend post (more sexy pics!)
The rules for this draft were far less clearly defined than those in the past. But then, this is vacay, no need to get hung up on particulars, right? It boils down to whatever place you'd like to while away some of that precious down time, as long as the place, you know, exists (no Black Man's Heaven for Maj, no Robot Hell for flubby).
Got it? Good.
1. Drew -- Lake Como, Italy
Drew [So sure of himself, he offers nothing in the way of elaboration]
flubby: [Citing something accurate sounding] "Lake Como is too polluted to swim in, with colony-forming units of bacteria at 68 times the safe limit for bathing, with a real risk for bathers of contracting skin infections, dermatitis and even salmonella."
Drew: Well, shit
Unsilent: Lake Como is the new Kwame Brown
2. Punter -- Sydney, Australia
"Awesome weather, awesome attractions, awesome accents. Plus it's a continent and a country! But if I catch myself saying "throw another shrimp on the barbie," I'll kick myself in the nuts."
This came as a immense shock to the rest of us. I mean, Jared Hess has never filmed a movie on location in Sydney.
3. Ape -- Dubai, United Arab Emirates
The city is shaping up to be Vegas on Arab oil steroids. I'll have to swipe the Maj's answer from the country draft last year.
"Their government established free zones have resulted in an economic boom that makes oil money look passe. Of course the first thing to catch your eye is their ostentatious architecture, and who wouldn't want to play a game of rooftop tennis overlooking the Gulf of Oman. They've built their own fucking island in the likeness of a palm tree and now just look at what the Donald is about to build. Hey Trump, Georgia O'Keeffe thinks that's a bit on the nose."
Drew: Have fun trying to buy a whore there, Romeo.
Unsilent: Ape is scrambling to fill out a job application for Halliburton.
4. flubby -- Ibiza
I can party with some Eurotrash.
(likely actual vacation spot: Gatlinburg or worse)
5. Maj -- Amsterdam
It's no Lake Como, but it does have the Van Gogh Museum and Anne Frank House. Sure it's not flashy, but...oh yeah, WEED AND HOOKERS!
Might want to get there soon, Maj, as the Dutch are acting fast to make sure you won't ever want to go. But, yeah, I've been to the Anne Frank House. It's a blast and a half. Those floorboards are loud as fuck. I'm pretty sure I would've been found by the Nazis within minutes.
6. Ufford -- Brisbane, Australia.
I went to Sydney in July and it was fucking cold and filled with Brits. Brisbane is a little further north, has better surfing, and is referred to by Australians as "Bris Vegas." Score.
Bris Vegas sounds like some sort of massive mohel competition, but, sure, we'll all take turns taking Aussie towns. Melbourne might be a good value here.
7. Ufford -- Maui, Hawaii.
I wanted to pick an American destination in the event that my passport gets revoked; besides, I really appreciate it when I go somewhere and everyone speaks English. I've been to Oahu, and I thought it was amazing despite the tourist hellhole of Honolulu, so Maui can only be better.
Drew: Amsterdam? Maui? BOOOOORING.
Ufford: Hey, someone beat us to the best polluted lakes.
Drew: At least you can't book my vacation spot at Liberty Travel.
Ufford: Wait a second here. Is Drew presuming his choice is better because FEWER PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT IT? I am shocked. Absolutely shocked. Totally out of character.
Drew and Ufford at some point relocated their fight to the set of The View.
8. The Maj -- Kauai, HI
Princeville Resort is fucking incredible. I don't care if another Hawaiian island has been taken, or if it's boring in Drew's feeble eyes.
Hawaii and Australia are the big alma maters going in this draft. Penn State likely to drop very far.
9. flubby -- Anguilla.
It's NOT exactly the same as all the other Caribbean countries-- for example they wear BLUE cricket jerseys there.
10. Ape -- Canary Islands
Idyllic tropical paradise. And if some shit goes down, I'll know before anyone else!
Then, of course, Drew and Ufford got back to bickering.
Ufford: "Listen, if it takes fewer than two flight transfers and less than three hours of ground travel once I get there, it's not even worth going to."
Drew: I'm not ashamed to choose my vacations in the snobbiest way possible. /can't wait to pick Gatsby's mansion
11. Punter -- Gatsby's Mansion
Careful driving around West Egg, Punter.
12. Drew -- Mustique
Gorgeous, and reserved only for the filthy rich. Me and Keef can go climbing up coconut trees together.
Maj: Assuming either one of you is sober...and not fucking the other one in the ass.
Maj: Bristol, CT is falling like a rock!
There you have it. Our best vacation ideas ever and the attending best reasons never to go to them with each other. Now let us never speak of them again.