Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Construda Regional: No. 3 Raider vs. #6 Chief – QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

We can’t seem to get a real nail-biter in these matchups so far. Perhaps this contest, the first of two Pirate-Indian tangos in Round 1, will offer a bit of swashbuckling excitement. In one corner stands the always-dangerous Raider, who is unafraid of both confrontation and taking little Jimmy Hawkins under the poop deck for a hearty meat swabbin’. In the other, the proud Chief: expert in guerilla warfare and knowing the best time of night for stealing white women. We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it's posted. Voting is closed. The Chief won with 59 percent of the vote.

RAIDER


Strengths:
-Armed
-Eyepatch lets you know he’s tough!
-Spent years building up immunity to iocaine powder
-Skilled at barging into places, things, women
-Shiny jewelry has ability to reflect sun’s bright rays, distract opponent
-Does a fabulous rendition of “Pour O Pour the Pirate Sherry!”
-Detachable pegleg useful for plugging an opponent’s “bilge pump”, if you get my drift
-Can map out accurate punches strictly by observing the movement of Cassiopeia in the southern sky
-Will steal all your rum and not give a what!
-Bowlegged stance helps with leverage

Weaknesses:
-One eye
-ARRRRRRR! THESE JOKES BE GETTIN’ OLD, SAYS I!!!
-Parrot perched atop shoulder may inadvertently give away fight plan prior to matchup in a comical bit of unintended mimicry
-Extremely reliant on casting. Are we talking a Bill Nighy sort of Raider? Then he’d be pretty tough. But Orlando Bloom or Matthew Modine? Fuck that limp asshole.
-Skull and crossbones flag might be a bit more imposing if it weren’t named “Jolly Roger”, which sounds like a kind of hard candy
-Superiority versus ninja still undetermined
-Enjoys singing of sea shanties
-Wouldn't last three seconds in Oakland proper looking like that
-Not as badass when 50% of all kids dress like you for Halloween

Entrance Music:
“Rime Of The Ancient Mariner,” Iron Maiden

CHIEF


Strengths:
-Savage
-Bitter
-Ability to be confused with pretty much any other race
-Handy with a bow
-Handy with a blowgun
-Handy with a tomahawk
-Handy with a pillow for smothering
-Handy with throwing a water fountain through a window
-Handy with sorghum crops
-War paint > pirate eyeliner
-When the Grey Hair is dead, Magua will eat his heart. Before he dies, Magua will put his children under the knife, so the Grey Hair will know his seed is wiped out forever.
-Did you read that last quote? Jesus. This fucker means business.

Weaknesses:
-Booze
-Influenza
-Games of chance
-Heavily reliant on timely welfare check
-Never remembers to consult lawyer prior to signing large land deals
-Red skin makes him noticeably visible outside woodland environment
-Possibly high on stewed coyote poop
-All-pemmican diet prompts frequent mid-fight bathroom breaks

Entrance Music:
“YMCA,” Village People

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

38 comments:

Grimey said...

Interesting fact: I have karaoke'd neither of those songs

Rocco said...

Any Native American from Last of the Mohicans = badass. Unless of course this Raider is one of the undead from Pirates of the Caribbean. Fuck! Ground rules please.

Big Daddy Drew said...

AT LAST, WE HAVE A REAL BATTLE!

Pemulis said...

I'm voting chief, in part because this song has been stuck in my head for like a week and i might kill myself. fucking noggin.

Upstate Underdog said...

If the Chiefs entrance music was "Run to the Hills", also by Iron Maiden I'd be torn. But I have to go with the Raiders on entrance music as the tie breaker, \m/.

@pemulis, I refuse to let my 3 year old watch Lazy Town. It's even creepier than Yo Gabba Gabba

dick_gozinia said...

@uu - I was just about to type that. We should totally change the music to even up the matchup and "butch up" that indian a little.

brick said...

Any self respecting Pirate has a few blankets laced with smallpox hanging around. Easy win.

Les Savy Ferd said...

i love how the only reference to the proliferation of Indian casinos and crippling dependence on reservation gambling is subtly implied by the weakness: 'games of chance'

Upstate Underdog said...

@dick, "Indians" by Anthrax would also suffice. I'm bringing the rock today.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Hm4ohAcGJWg

Miyamoto's Chin said...

No "little bit racist" tag?

Oh, shit, never mind. You voted for Obama.

Pale Writer said...

God. A Princess Bride reference and TWO Cuckoo's Nest references. I love you guys.

Rocco said...

@les savy ferd:

Point taken, but if this is a Seminole cheif, he gets like $20 million a year from casino revenue, hence able to buy an Uzi or some shit and really fuck up a Raider.

J.L. White said...

This is the best matchup so far, because the weaponry used by both the Raider and the Chief cancel each other out. Sure the pirate has a pistol, but it's one of those 18th century ones that take forever to load. An arrow may not travel as fast as a bullet, but a bow is a lot quicker to load.

So, these competitors will fight it out hand to hand inside the 8-sided ring. The Chief will fight bravely and with honor, and have the early advantage, but the dirty, scumbag pirate will land a low blow, and choke the ever-lovin' shit out of the native. There is no room for honor in the octogon, you know.

NORB!! said...

Wahoo McDaniel FTW!!!

I'm in a Frat said...

I voted raider because I want a close match.

However, we need to make one thing clear... a ninja beats a pirate every time.

Derrick said...

I'd like to bet heavily on the next NFL franchise to be awarded......the Omaha Werewolves with Chainsaw Dicks.
(yeah- I stole that from EDSBS- wanna fight about it?)

JAMMQ said...

So who are Gilbert & Sullivan supporting, the Raider or the Buccaneer?

Animal Mother said...

That's a great match up, but who are the CHEFS?

raping the white women > raping the cabin boy

Plus, the injuns smoke weed and take peyote which is part of a nutritious breakfast.

RexyBack said...

The Chief couldn't even stand up against a panel of crotchety old university administrators in Illinois. What kind of hope would he have against an armed, blood thirsty swashbuckler?

/is actually quite glad the Chief is retired

CrabblerK3 said...

I've been picking mostly favorites thus far (a testament to keen seeding), but I'm going to break the trend here. The raider pictured has no eye patch and no telling who's bilge pump he was plugging when he left it there. Long live the chief.

I'm sure Al Davis would fuck up his side somehow...

Brother Mouzone said...

Is that Wahoo McDaniel? I thought it was Chief Jay Strongbow.

Otto Man said...

The Chief wins this one in a walk.

First of all, he'd have home field advantage, as the Raider plays all his games away and the Chief owns his home turf.

Second, that little musket-ball gun is accurate only within three feet of an opponent, while the Chief could use the longbow, rifle, and/or tomahawk chop to slay his opponent from far away.

Third, Al Davis would find some way to saddle the Raider with 40-year-old fellow raiders and have him led by a 30-year-old Doogie Houser coach.

Q.E.D., bitches.

quiet strength said...

@otto - can you imagine how confused Herm Edwards would leave those indians before sending them out to battle on the octagon?

J said...

magua still lost to the white man

Otto Man said...

In this scenario, the Chiefs' coach would either be Hank "Matriculating" Stram or Marty "There's a Gleam, Gentlemen" Schottenheimer. So they'd be even more confused than if it were Herm giving the pep talk.

But if 1960s TV westerns taught me anything, it's that confused injuns is angry injuns.

quiet strength said...

Who ended up winning in those westerns?

Otto Man said...

Who ended up winning in those westerns?

Definitely not a flamboyantly gay pirate.

Armchair Strong Safety said...

Apache Chief - "Inyuk-chuk"

Flattend pirate. End of fight.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/6/6d/Apachechief.jpg

Rocco said...

I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexual pirates flaming.

/Am I allowed to take creative license like that?

quiet strength said...

Touché. This doesn't bode well for the 2-7 match up: an even gayer pirate vs. an even fiercer injun.

Shane said...

the gilbert & sullivan reference pushes this one solidly in favor of the raider. gotta love it.

Caxide said...

Even if the Chief, a lower seed, had home field advantage, he'd give it up for one of those shiny pirate beads in a heartbeat.

In either the octagon or football field the Chief loses his essential skill of surprise since there's nowhere to sneak up from. Not only that, but since pirates are most certainly all stricken with syphilis and because of the Chief's natural -20 weakness to disease, the pirate wins this one with a delicate strategy of all out biological/rape warfare.

NORB!! said...

Brother Mouzone said...Is that Wahoo McDaniel? I thought it was Chief Jay Strongbow.

Hell, they all look the same to me.

/oh yes, I went there

deafjeff said...

the obvious fellas, the raider kindly gives the Chief a swig of rum, and the whole tribe is drunk. Easy pickins from there. Still going to vote Chief though, I'm going to try and work for a casino in a year.

Punch Rockgroin said...

I think it's pretty obvious which way I'm voting... but it seems hopeless at this point.

This feels familiar.

Ken Dynamo said...

A constellation bit, sorghum, pemmican, Last of the Mohicans... all pretty good but I think you can go nerdier next time, drew.

Get Him A Body Bag, Yeah! said...

Tatanka d. Jean Pierre Lafitte via the "Tomahawk Chop and a Papoose To Go."

Nash said...

The One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest reference was pretty solid.