Wednesday, March 26, 2008

J-Load Has His Own Stop-Loss



[Giants voluntary off-season workouts]



Trainer: Lorenzen! You've put on another 10 pounds. Jesus, son. The season ain't been over but a month and a half.

Lorenzen: [Entire chicken in mouth] Mmmpppharm aarrphumm eb fffajjmack

Eli Manning: Jared, I thought we agreed that you were gonna get more active this year. Y'know marking the 10th anniversary of the Subway Jared's dropping 245 pounds. Strahan even got the secret from him: eating Subway sandwiches while recuperating from gastric bypass surgery.

Lorenzen: Haarrfff faarrfff nnnarrfff

Manning: Okay, uh, please take the chicken out of your mouth.

[Removes chicken, then another behind it]

Lorenzen: But the founder of Popeyes just died! It's grief-related weight!

Manning: You do know the chain isn't going anywhere, right? It's a massive corporation with 1,800 locations in 20 countries. That guy probably wasn't even involved with it at the time of his death.

Lorenzen: It's not going away?

[Removes 12 biscuits from jacket and pants pockets, sheepishly places them on nearby table]

Manning: It can't keep going on like this. I know, with David Carr coming in, you've fallen to fourth on the depth chart. But after Carr and I declare our love with a white-gloved double-suicide, you'll be right behind Anthony Wright. You've got to be in game shape.

Lorenzen: Look: I'm incorporating extra movements into my daily routine like you said. I press at least three more buttons on the microwave than necessary. I took that flatscreen out of my fridge. I took the minifridge out of my nightstand. When I go to McDonald's with my lady, I make sure to eat at least three napkins for vitamins. Don't I, bacon bits?


Tamara Lorenzen: [mutters affirmative tone with chicken in mouth]

Lorenzen: I tried everything to deflect my mind from food. Really, I have.

Religion.


Art.


Even doting on our pets.


I tell you it don't work! I'm just destined to be fatty forever and ever. It's a curse I got to live with.

[Lorenzen sobs. Eli turns away in disgust, whereupon Lorenzen begins stuffing biscuits back in pocket]

13 comments:

smurphette said...

But after Carr and I declare our love with a white-gloved double-suicide, you'll be right behind Anthony Wright. You've got to be in game shape.

Haha, terrific.

Richard said...

Goddamn I love me some Popeye's...

Livingston said...

Tamara Lorenzen
Bridesmaid
Friend of Bride

http://www.bethandpatrick.com/attendants.asp

From Ky. But no Jared. Worried about the cake?

Otto Man said...

"The doctor says I swallow a lot of aggression. Along with a lot of pizzas!"

Shoopmonster said...

Your rebuttal to the Eli video, Drew?

Drew: Harrffff hhhrumphhh hhhyyummmm hommmmmmm hommmmmm hommmmmm.

[Two cornish game hens fly out of mouth]

quiet strength said...

Jared you're, uh, on the towel rack...

Leaking Geek said...

@Otto Man - Sweet Stripes reference.

Also, Jared misunderstands "The Aunt Jemima Treatment"

Animal Mother said...

J-Load may be 4th on the depth chart at QB, but he's only 2nd at both guard spots and right tackle. The fat fuck.

/mmmmmmmm Popeye's!

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Needs more assal horizontology.

SlideShow Bob said...

Thats the first thing i thought of Quiet Strength.

Otto Man said...

As long as I'm mining 70s comedy classics, that Hooters picture reminds me of D'Annunzio's line when he Lacy Underalls appears at the pool in Caddyshack.

westbrook is my anti-drug said...

Religion.

Sacrilicious

Even doting on pets.

I can has cheezburger?

westbrook is my anti-drug said...
This comment has been removed by the author.