It’s NCAA tournament time, which means that, in addition to filling out your actual bracket, you will now be deluged with hundreds upon hundreds of phony “mock” brackets designed specifically to waste your time: Hottest Chick Brackets, World’s Awesomest Drummer Brackets, Favorite Whole Grain Brackets, etc. The king of these phony brackets is, of course, the outstanding Name Of The Year. But there’s no reason we at KSK can’t get in on the gimmickry. We were BORN to do something this trivial and idiotic.
And so we have devised quite possibly the dumbest mock bracket of all: Yes, it's the The KSK Real NFL Mascot Kill Kill Kill Invitational Tournament!
That's right, you whores: it's a 32-entrant Battle Royale to determine which actualized individual NFL team mascot would emerge champion in a series of head-to-head matchups. Can a REAL Redskin beat a REAL Cowboy? I think history has already proven the answer to that question (WHITE PEOPLE RULE!). Ah, but what about a REAL Bear versus a REAL Viking, with a frothing mouth and two-sided battle axe? Aw, yeah. Now we’re fucking talking.
Click on the bracket to enlarge it, then print it out, and fill out your choices. I suggest you fill out this bracket only after smoking a very large bowl, for these sorts of arguments make far more sense when you're higher than fucking Redman. All week, we’ll be polling the first round matchups, all the way through to the championship three weeks from now. But first, an explanation of seeding from the Selection Committee. We had to think hard about this. And thinking hard is hard!
That's why we abandoned our deliberations early and arranged the bracket in a completely arbitrary fashion. Which is how the Giant ended up only a 2-seed and what not. But fuck it, that'll just make for more pointless arguin'. Seedings aside, here are my overall rankings of the field, in accordance with the real-life inspiration for each team’s nickname.
VERY FUCKING LARGE HUMAN BEINGS AND AIRPLANES
THINGS THAT WOULD EAT TIMOTHY TREADWELL
RAPERS/PILLAGERS/HOMOSEXUALS BY NECESSITY
10. Raider (These would be armed pirates, like in the movies. Yes, they're bloodthirsty, ruthless bands of scallywaggers, but they're still kinda swishy)
11. Viking (NOTE: The Viking was made a 1-seed due to my disgusting and blatant homerism)
Flubby: How can the Raider be ranked behind the team that stole their gimmick (the Bucs)?
Ape: Only a true pirate can steal pirate gimmicks from another pirate.
It's also worth noting that the Buccaneer has TWO eyes, while Raider has only one.
13. Texan (Punter: “I'm thinking of Texan as an inhabitant of the Republic of Texas, which existed from 1836 to 1845.”)
14. Patriot (Let's assume it's revolutionary guy who looks like the dude on the Samuel Adams bottle. I can't remember what that dude's name is. I think it's Miles Standish.)
INDIANS (FEATHER DIVISION)
Punter: Do Redskins and Chiefs both own casinos? They could finance some fine armaments if they did.
Me: No, they live in a teepee and have only blowguns and tomahawks to defend themselves. This draft will be done according to most basic stereotype.
PREDATORY BIRDS (BUT STILL, JUST FUCKING BIRDS)
MEN OF RANDOM OCCUPATIONS
22. Bill (Buffalo Bill Cody, when he was alive)
23. Brown (Paul Brown, when he was alive)
Ape: At first I was upset that the prospector was above the steelworker, but then he does have that fucking pickax
FUCKING LAMEASS HORSES
27. Charger (I did NOT know a Charger was a kind of horse before “researching” for this)
Things Fondled By Jack Hanna
29. Raven (Ape: “It has a terrifying literary tradition, sure, but any human could make short work of one.”)
Punter: A Dolphin could kick Paul Brown’s ass. Dolphins are vicious, Drew. Don't let their pretty bottle noses deceive you!
Me: You've watched Treehouse of Horror XI too many times. Dolphins are fucking homos.
Just As Weak And Helpless As The Team They Represent
These matchups will take place… IN AN OCTAGON!
Punter: How do you fit a fucking jet inside an Octagon?
Me: It’s a really big Octagon.
Also, our aquatic friend Flipper will be able to fight from inside a tank placed in the Octagon. And no vessels for the rapers and pillagers. They must get by on their own guile!
There’s also the issue of the jet. We argued about what kind of jet because there’s a difference between a French Concorde and a fucking fighter jet.
Ufford: Something to keep in mind about the Jets: a jet is simply an airplane with a turbine engine. You're not going to be getting an F/A-18 prepped for combat. But that engine is gone fuck any bird mascots. Could make for an interesting matchup.
Punter argued it should be a passenger jet on a kamikaze mission.
Ape: Wouldn't the Jet be disqualified after the first round, considering it has to destroy itself to beat an opponent?
This is why we came up with the rule that each mascot is fully healed by the next matchup.
Ape: What good is an unmanned jet? They aren't sentient beings, you know. Couldn't one of the human mascots crash it while parachuting out ahead of time?
Me: The Jet is manned! And it's a fucking Harrier Jet.
Ufford: (no doubt quoting from some military site he jerks off to) Harriers, AKA "Scariers" AKA "Widowmakers" have a notorious tendency to lose an engine during Vertical Takeoff/Landing (VTOL), resulting in the plane flipping upside down as it crashes into the ground/carrier deck. They also have short "time on station" due to limited fuel capacity and can only carry two 500-lb bomb -- half the payload of the average attack jet.
Me: Fucking Ufford with his military know-how. Paul Brown would kick your ass, sailor boy.
Let's just say the jet is a manned airplane with a turbine engine and no weaponry.
As you can see, laying the groundwork for seedings and rules proved an incredible challenge. No imaginary bracket for jackasses is perfect, but this is our best effort. And by best effort, I mean AN effort. Thankfully, the Maj was out of town, so he couldn’t find some retard way of shoehorning Ricardo Mayorga into this or something.
So get ready to vote. We’ll be posting individual matchups all month long, along with completely half-assed photoshops, detailed matchup analysis and tales of the tape, and video of each mascot in killing action when possible.
Let’s get killin’!