Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Yapcunt Regional, Round 2: Giant vs. Brown – QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?!

It’s a seemingly lopsided 2-6 matchup. Could the very large Giant be looking past the relatively diminutive Coach Paul Brown? I think so, because Brown is short enough to be out of range of the Giant’s vision. Yes, this absolutely screams TRAP IMAGINARY FIGHT to me. But I, alas, am not the ultimate arbiter of this confrontation. YOU, fickle America, will be the one to decide! We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it's posted.

GIANT


Strengths:
-Big
-Strong
-Jolly
-Hung like a redwood
-Deep green complexion may indicate that he’s powered by photosynthesis
-Could totally beat the fuck out of that old Bird’s Eye dude
-Convenient frozen mixed vegetables make for a lovely stir-fry when you’re in a pinch
-Keeps body well-toned using vigorous, population-crushing core exercises
-Deep friendship with half-brother Hagrid
-Adept at throwing castles
-If you need to reach the flour on the top shelf, he's your man
-Can grow entire civilization inside footprint

Weaknesses:
-Jack
-Angry villagers with lots of rope and a good idea of when he may be napping in a valley
-HO HO HO is Santa’s line, you fucking dick
-Vision potentially obscured by low-hanging cloud
-Takes YEARS to put on sunscreen
-Can never find a private setting to evacuate bowels
-Driving? Forget about it.
-Leafy toga minidress makes me feel sexually uncomfortable
-Kinda gay
-Too large to be able to surf
-No blue ox?
-Pretty darn clumsy, if you believe the average Grimm fairy tale

Entrance Music:
“Big Me,” Foo Fighters

BROWN


Strengths:
-7-time world champion
-4-time Coach of the Year
-Cool hat
-Handsome profile
-Possibly made of stone
-Wily
-Crusty
-Savvy
-Constantly demanding excellence from players who just want some goddamn water

Weaknesses:
-Old
-Ohioan
-Not a Giant
-Unarmed
-Trenchcoat a touch constrictive
-Unwilling to loosen tie
-Very rigid, which means he could break easily

Entrance Music:
“Discipline,” Slayer

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

16 comments:

Chip Fu said...

Paul Brown, in masterful bit of strategy, lures Giant into chasing him across Cuyahoga River. Throws lit match into river while Giant is halfway across.

Boil for about 24 hours, chop, cover with Velveeta, serve. City of Cleveland feasts for a month on a decidely mid-western dish.

Vote = Brown

Otto Man said...

As long as he doesn't try that trick outside Cincinnati. They'd fuck it up by adding noodles.

Jason said...

A vote for the giant is a bit of a move towards being a frontrunner considering they are the world champs. Let's be honest, this will be your last time to vote for the Browns and not be a front runner since they have super bowl winer written all over them.

wrecking_ball said...

I'm glad someone else realizes "Ohioan" = liability.

Tracer Bullet said...

Otto, don't forget the shitty chili.

Gotta go with the Brownies. With my Eagles out of it, I empathize with the Browns decades of pain and must, by law, loathe and despise the Giants. Plus, how can anyone vote against a guy in a trenchcoat and snappy fedora?

J.L. White said...

Somehow, the old man who has been dead for years escaped round 1. Unless....he was reanimated, and became ZOMBIE PAUL BROWN!!!!!

You know what? I'm still voting for the Giant. C'mon, he's like, um, really really big, and junk.

smurphette said...

I was gonna go with Brown, but once I saw Fe Fi Fo-Shizzle, my decision was made for me. I vote Giant.

Pepster said...

I don't think that Paul Brown is as wiry and crafty as he used to be, like, when he was alive.

Otto Man said...

Otto, don't forget the shitty chili.

Yeah, that's what I meant.

Noodles in chili? Go back to Russia!

Jackin'4Beats said...

Brown: you also forgot to mention that he's gritty, gutty and cerebral, cause you know, he's white and stuff.

My vote is for the team that killed the beast while it was wounded.

GIANTS. Oh yeah and fuck the redskins...don't remember if I mentioned that already.

smurphette said...

@otto man: Don't hate on the Cincinnati chili. The Hard Times version is the tits and I can't wait to have it in our new baseball stadium.

Kyle321N said...

Noodles in chili is a terrible idea, but the end result taste good. And it fills my stomach.

Oh and I voted Paul Brown.

H Cuz said...

Holy fuck, the site banner just scared the shit out of me... how long has that been animated?

cw said...

you fucking tea-bags, Slayer never had a song named "Discipline". the song is called "Disciple". fuckin ass-ponies

Otto Man said...

I welcome a wide variety of chili -- firehouse, steak, pork, white bean, chicken, and hell, I'll even eat turkey chili if it's done right. But keep the goddamn
noodles out of it.

But to each, his or Smurphette's own. You people have at it.

As long as you're not across the table from me.

C-Money said...

"HO HO HO is Santa’s line, you fucking dick"
I was always confused by why he would say that...