Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Brett Is Striving For a Cushier Career

Yesterday ESPN's Chris Mortensen reported (via voicemail) that Brett Favre is retiring due to his increasing mental fatigue.

"I know I can still play, but it's like I told my wife, I'm just tired mentally. I'm just tired,"

What Mort didn't go on to report is the subsequent conversation that took place when Mort got off of the shitter and checked his voicemail...

Hey Brett! Sorry I missed your call, I was knuckle deep in some serious mud butt.

Don't you have journalists to do that for you?

Sadly, no. But hey, you mentioned something about retiring because you're tired. What's up with that?

You know, I'm just tired. I'm tired of reading the playbook, I'm tired of scouting opponents, and I'm tired of not getting to play with Moss.

I hear ya, Brett. Like I've always said, football is a thinking man's game like chess. The pawns are the linemen, the rooks are the wideouts, the bishops are the tight ends, and the knights are the running backs. But the quarterback is like the king and the queen in one! The queen is your athletic side while the king is your brainy side. It must really have taken a toll over all these years.



What the fuck is chess?

It's like fancy checkers.

Chinese or domestic?

It doesn't matter, your brain has had enough strain.

Hey, that rhymes!

It certainly does, Brett. So what are you going to do now that you're retired?

I need a job that doesn't require so much thinking and preparation.

Heck, you could come work in Bristol any time!

Nah, Berman creeps me out.

He'll do that.

Hey, I know! Do you have Sean's phone number?

Nope, I deleted it a while back. There was some...unpleasantness.

Damn. I sure would like to hitch my wagon to that Salisbury Brand he's been talkin' about. It's like that guy gets paid to not think. What a great fuckin' country.

God bless it.

Hell yeah! And fuck the French!

Yeah, and the blacks too!




futuremrsrickankiel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tien said...

Just so, so brilliant. That's all I can say.

Illegal Immigrant said...

did yea check out Mortensen's goat on TV? Fucking gross. And his facial hair creeped me out too.

cian said...

ignorance and racism, nice!

the great bambi said...

couldn't the end also elicit a "pilfering lines from seinfeld"? c'mon maj, throw your fellow jew a bone

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

If Mort ever covers the NBA, Tony Parker better get ready for some serious hate.

J said...

"did yea check out Mortensen's goat on TV? Fucking gross. And his facial hair creeped me out too."

haha I had to actually had to cleanse myself after seeing that display.

Awkward Boner said...

you'd think brett would be down with the racisim. being from mississippi and all.

quiet strength said...

I need a job that doesn't require so much thinking and preparation.
McDonalds? Librarian? Political pundit? Hooker? Substitute teacher? Migrant worker? Manager of the Yankees? Congressman? Toll booth operator? Mall cop?

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Actually right now Mississippi is just cool with having the highest obesity rate, lowest literacy rate, and the highest teen pregnancy rate. God I miss Mississippi.

smurphette said...



Tracer Bullet said...

What about the past 17 years leads you to believe Farve ever "read a playbook" or "scouted opponents?

Five Pound Bag said...

Hell yeah! And fuck the French!

so "Favre" is what, Norwegian?

Unsilent Majority said...

so "Favre" is what, Norwegian?


Jackin'4Beats said...

That was about as funny as a Clinton Portis press conference. Good work Maj.

Cameron said...

Let us all bow our heads in a moment of silence for one Mr. John Madden.