Wednesday, March 5, 2008

I Just Gotta Give Some Faded Veteran a Six-Year Deal. I Just Gotta!


Oh man. Did you get a look at that contract that Al Davis gave Javon Walker? Six years for $55 million. Ooooh yeah, I bet that felt good. Those days are behind me though. I'm staying clean this year.

But, but, I can't be content with just hiking ticket prices, concession prices, parking prices and authentic official Redskins Sean Taylor grieving towel prices. I have to put the Snyder imprint on this off-season, with a blockbuster bank-breaking signing that will get woefully optimistic 'Skins fans expecting 13 wins next season.

[Hyperventilating]

Everybody says I have to be more disciplined this year. We don't have the cap room. I don't want the Thetans.

[Grabs newspaper]

Six years, $42 million for Shaun Rogers? With $20 million guaranteed? No fucking way. What are you trying to do to me? Jerry Porter for $30 million? Madieu Williams for $33 million?

BERNARD FUCKING BERRIAN FOR $42 MILLION POTOMAC TREE CHOPPING DOLLARS!?

Aaaahhhhhh ahhhhhh ahhhhhhh AAAAAAHHHHH AAAAAHHHH

I gotta do it. Get the jet. Get the checkbook. Get a couple bullshit Wizards tickets ready. We'll show them everything D.C. has to offer, even if means showing them around the National Harbor construction site!

[Hands trembles while reaching for phone]

[Snyder slaps hand]

NO! MUST BE PRUDENT THIS YEAR! MUST NOT SIGN ERIC MOULDS TO 8-YEAR, $52 MILLION DEAL!

Gotta argue that puppy down to $48 million. After all, I'm a changed man.

34 comments:

futuremrsrickankiel said...

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

the great bambi said...

so this is what it feels like to watch other teams blow ridiculous amounts of cash on washed up/never-that-great-to-begin-with players...it's quite amusing...don't blow this snyder

quiet strength said...

Hmm...I wonder if 5 years, $50 million would be enough to get Warren Sapp to un-retire...

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

@Mrs. Ankiel - I'm purposely gaining 61 pounds to get on disability!

dickey simpkins said...

You have selected...regicide. To name the King being murdered, press 1.

Illegal Immigrant said...

I have to say, this abnormally quiet offseason is getting unsettling. I feel like he's going to spring up and sign Chris Carter any day now.

yournamehere said...

"I wash myself with a rag on a stick."

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

Come on Snyder, you know you want to overpay for Larry Allen or Stacey Andrews. Stand up before the mic and announce how you've solved your offensive line woes.

Are you going to let the Jets grab all the free agent headlines? Don't let a few minor errors in judgement guide your course of action this year.

That's right, tie your belt around your upper arm, find a vein and let the check writing take you to heaven.

TurleyGirlie said...

Dan Snyder makes Tom Benson look rational.

Thanks, Danny.

Otto Man said...

We're only eight comments in, and you people have almost bled that Simpsons episode dry. Almost.

"Hee hee hee. I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas break honk. Gas break honk. Honk honk punch. Gas gas gas."

Otto Man said...

Ah, what the hell...

"I heard that guy's ass has its own congressman."

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Eat AROUND the banana, otto man. It's just empty vitamins.

God I love that episode.

quiet strength said...

I agree futuremrs. Impossible to bleed that episode dry.

"I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll just go with a muumuu."

Otto Man said...

Christ, I can't believe I forgot the Dr. Nick session.

"Now there are many options available for dangerously underweighted individuals like yourself. I recommend a slow steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology."

The things you learn at Hollywood Upstairs Medical College.

Otto Man said...

I almost went with the muumuu quote myself, QS.

And yes, I stand corrected. That episode is fat with quotes.

Robocats said...

Two Words for Danny Boy Snyder:

Warrick. Dunn.

Sure they have Portis, not to mention Betts but Dunn could always play receiver. Or...or....how about get him into camp and have him compete to be the #2 punter?

Christmas Ape said...

You fools! That pic is from the episode where Homer took over for Smithers.

"I know! I'll call Smithers. S...M...I...T...H...E...R...S Smithers."

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Ape, I know that -- the hand in that picture is not nearly fat enough. I just free-associated...

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Ha look how fucking indignant I got.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Oh, no! The corn. Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke. Curse you, popcorn manufacturers!

Not as good as flaming moe's episode, but quite good.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

"Welcome to New Hampshire"

Providing Cheap Liquor to Massachusetts Teens for 200 Years.

dickey simpkins said...

You have 10 minutes to move your car.
Your car has been compressed into a cube.
You have 10 minutes to move your cube.

miamidiesel said...

@dickey simpkins: Is it about my cube?

BEHM777 said...

Maybe ol' Danny Boy will behave himself this time. Maybe.

Gern said...

I believe it's "flaming meaux", but I could be mistaken. MMmmmmmm, mistaken.

mikehasgas said...

Fighting urge to give $102 million to Rothlisberger. Not even I'm that dumb.

Christmas Ape said...

What, a big contract to the Super Bowl winning 26-year-old QB with the NFL's no. 2 passer rating last year? So dumb!

Jeffrey said...

@Ape...and arr dat wit no tarr wide leceivel!!!

Jim said...

Tell me how my stocks did yesterday.

Uh... they all won!

What about my options?

Well, you could get up or go back to sleep.

I think I'll get up.

The Lazer said...

Different episode, same subject:
"Homer, it's not your cholesterol level I'm worried about. It's your gravy level."
"But Dr. Hibbard, you told me to drink 8 glasses of Gravy a day."

Otto Man said...

"Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part
of the stuff where you said all about the ... things? Uh... the things?"

quiet strength said...

Eh, the disability episode is better:

"Hey Miss Doesn't Find Me Attractive Sexually Anymore, I just tripled my productivity!"

MicroscopicElvis said...

Can I still make phone jokes?

"Gotta buy juicer! Drink juice...lose weight! Won't get chest pains from answering the phone anymore!!!"

Man Bear Pig said...

I just want to watch "Honk if your horny" in peace.