Good fucking God. I go on vacation for one random week in March and I miss all sorts of crazy shit. Since I missed so much recently I decided to cover all of the fun off-topic goodness in one sprawling post. It's win-win for you, the reader, because it's stuff you never cared about to begin with and it's longer than Drew's old-man balls. Huzzah!
-Number One Threat to America: Bear Stearns
Yeah that's right, America's fucking broke. That's why I store all of my money inside of Nick Denton's large head-vault. Fortunately for the rest of you the government is sending out some stimulus checks. They really want you to boost the economy by spending the money as opposed to saving it, which is why they're making all of the banks collapse just in time. Personally, I plan on using my stimulus moneys to purchase illicit substances...from foreigners! Take that, Capitalism!
Speaking of nonsensical financial blather...
-TBL Came Out!
Some have said that this announcement came on the heels of FJM's revelation, but all of this started when I appeared on Blog Show. The important question remains, how can US Weekly possibly survive without JRM's editorial oversight?
-The Brothers Karamazov > The Brothers Marquez
That's right Drew, I'm talking about boxing and you can't do shit about it! A couple of weeks back Israel Vasquez barely beat Rafael Marquez and then on Saturday night Pac-Man barely beat Juan Manuel Marquez. Everybody got really bloody and had a good time. Seriously, you could see JMM's brain through the cut on his eye.
-Uranus Still Hates Atlantans
First these southerners bitch about a little drought and now they get some rain and they can't handle the wind that comes with it? No wonder they couldn't win a fucking civil war.
-Some Basketball Something Or Other
IT'S MARCH MOTHERFUCKING MADNESS!
Some of you might be aware that I'm rather fond of the sport of basketball (and the race of man that tends to excel at said sport) and I have a particular appreciation for the amateur variety. As the self-appointed basketball genius of the gay I'm taking it upon myself to give you our initial breakdown of all things bracket. What follows is a list of rules you have to abide by if you're going to participate in the springtime festivities.
Do: Know everything about college basketball.
Sure, we're the guys who lost a bracket challenge to the
WomynLadies. But remember, I won the individual title because I'm a testosterone-fueled genius who actually watches PAC 10 games.
Don't: Attempt to fill in your pathetically average knowledge with research.
If you can't pick the tournament blind then you're already fucked. Two kinds of people win these things, People who care way too much about basketball and people who pick Drake to make an Elite 8 run because they "love the Drake."
Don't: Read a stupid list of rules for filling out your bracket.
You're already failing at a second-grade level!
Do: Bitch about the diabolical snubbery of the selection committee.
"Waaaah! VCU, VT, and UVA* didn't get in, why does the NCAA hate the Commonwealth of Virginia?" Sound familiar? If so it's because you can't react to Selection Sunday without a bit of indignation.
Oh, and to answer your question, Virginia is the AIDS of states.
*Never actually had a chance
Yeah, I'm never leaving town again.