Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Homerism Regional: No. 5 Eagle Vs. No. 4 Raven. WHO YA GOT?

According to Miwok mythology (whatever the fuck that is), the Raven done stole the Sun from the Eagle. Oh snap! GRUDGE MATCH GRUDGE MATCH!

Voting is closed. The Eagle won with 71 percent of the vote.

Gray Eagle had a beautiful daughter, and Raven fell in love with her. He was a snow-white bird, and as a such, he pleased Gray Eagle's daughter. She invited him to her father's longhouse.

When Raven saw the Sun, Moon and stars, and fresh water hanging on the sides of Eagle's lodge, he knew what he should do. He watched for his chance to seize them when no one was looking. He stole all of them, and a brand of fire also, and flew out of the longhouse through the smoke hole. As soon as Raven got outside he hung the Sun up in the sky. It made so much light that he was able to fly far out to an island in the middle of the ocean. When the Sun set, he fastened the Moon up in the sky and hung the stars around in different places. By this new light he kept on flying, carrying with him the fresh water and the brand of fire he had stolen.

He flew back over the land. When he had reached the right place, he dropped all the water he had stolen. It fell to the ground and there became the source of all the fresh-water streams and lakes in the world. Then Raven flew on, holding the brand of fire in his bill. The smoke from the fire blew back over his white feathers and made them black. When his bill began to burn, he had to drop the firebrand. It struck rocks and hid itself within them. That is why, if you strike two stones together, sparks of fire will drop out.

Raven's feathers never became white again after they were blackened by the smoke from the firebrand. That is why Raven is now a black bird.





Bragging rights

Bald eagles no longer endangered____Possibly the smartest bird

Ugly past

Sold munitions to Basque separatists______Stabbed oriole

Champion in the arts

John Ashcroft_________Edgar Allen Poe

Annoying pop culture namebearer

Eagle Eye Cherry__________Brooding former WCW wrestler

Finishing move

Building aerie out of dollar bills___Feasting on dead flesh, plentiful in Baltimore


Upstate Underdog said...

America, fuck yeah! Eagle gets me vote.

Pemulis said...

this vote is tough in a 'who cares' kind of way, but i think i'll go with the raven, hoping that if the eagle loses, emo eagle will stay emo

Adam [Sparkling Wiggle] said...

Man, the emo eagles are comin out in droves today.

E-man said...

But the Raven endorses double murderers like Ray Ray.

Come to think of it, so does God.

Citizen 10Cane said...

Just another racist mythology where something white becomes black as punishment.

But still, I can't vote for a dahkie. Go Eagles.

shouldBworkin said...

I call shenan's. Miwok mythology my ass, more like Ewok retardology. Still a compelling story though. I'll go black and not go back.

Word veri. arzzfctq

Gay Mafia indeed

Wormfather said...

Its really unfair to have Conference Flight teams take eachother on in the first round.

Claude Balls said...

Let me see if I have this right. After gaining entrance to her father's place, Raven did not take the daughter upstairs, change back into a man and then beast fuck her on daddy's bed. Instead, he simply grabbed the sun, moon, stars, water and fire and escaped to bring them to the world.

Any creature whose priorities are that misplaced deserves the ass-kicking that is coming to him.

Caxide said...

well a raven is basically a crow, and brandon lee could probably karate chop the ever loving piss out of any ornothologist, so I'm going to have to side with the tried and true birds from the land of death.

dick_gozinia said...

Went to the Tower of London where they still keep Ravens on the grounds by order of King Charles II to protect the tower. They are bigger than you think and will bite you. The warning signs say so.

Once saw an eagle circle a lake and then fucking divebomb a fish from 50 feet up at (what felt like) 100 mph. Quite possibly the coolest thing I've ever seen in nature.

Advantage, eagle.

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

That's so Raven

quiet strength said...

Ok having to select between the two is totally gay, but getting to see these two birds fight to the death would...bum bum bum...fawking rawk!
guitar riff

Animal Mother said...

For every Eagle vote, one of Andy Reid's sons will smuggle another prescription drug shoved up his anus.

Although, after his current jail stint, he can probably carry an entire CVS up there.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

I like to think of this as one step away from Demetri Martin's Pillow Fight syllogism:

Chick vs. Chick = Awesome

Chick vs. Pillow = Crazy

Pillow vs. Pillow = Crazy Awesome

/waits for later round when same analogy fits and more bullshit wing-ed animal fight...

Otto Man said...

Did the Eagle bring his Death Metal?

MDT said...

yeah but how many eagles have gotten crucified on pay-per-view

TheStarterWife said...

Eagles can be trained to hunt in falconry.

Ravens just shit on your car when you park under a tree.

Since I cannot think of the last time am eagle shat on my car or seen a raven in a Renaissance portrait, advantage eagle.

Grimey said...

An eagle is better than Kanyon

Chip Fu said...

hotel california is a fucking depressing song.

vote raven.

J said...

"you will be a man of... business"

/Muppet Christmas Carol

romolovescock said...

eagle = america

raven = terrorists

love it or leave it, dont let the terrorists win

Chris said...

Pedro Martinez is so fucking conflicted on who he thinks would win this battle. I mean, what, no Roosters? If Petey knows anything, it's that a well trained Rooster would stomp the shit out of a Raven and an Eagle. Even if he fought them at the same time.

Kyle321N said...

I have to vote for Naptown Drew. Come on!

Plus every time I go to MGM Studios at Disney I go on the Muppets 3-D Adventure. And I own "The Muppets Show": Season One.

So what? Go Sam the Eagle!

"It's times like this I'm proud to be an American."

naptown drew said...


No fucking shit! Sorry I haven't had much to say on the greatest website (not just the greatest blog) in the world lately, but I've been going through some things.

Ape, am I hallucinating that you're begging me to post my overly frequent and unfunny comments again? If so, this is a call to arms, bitches.

Vote Eagles (and Colts) or have your asses pounded by the "Rock You Like An Iracane" douches of the sports blog world. And remember:

Just because a reach-around might feel good doesn't mean it's right.

Kyle321N said...

Naptown Drew: It might be time for us to start our campaign (or Cam-Pain... eh?) for why the mighty Colt should beat the Jaguar. I mean the Colt will make the Jaguar bite the curb and then skull stomp it's brains in.