Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Coach Cowher Always Enjoys Some Goddamn Nachos Whenever He Plays Mini-Golf With His Wife

Some fucking date night this turned out to be. If I knew you weren't gonna show up today, if I KNEW YOU WEREN'T GONNA COMPETE TODAY, THEN WE COULD HAVE JUST STAYED HOME. Now I didn't come all the way out here to Frankie's Fun Park to get embarrassed like this. You're lucky we're playing two rounds today, because that course OWNED YOUR ASS in the first half, and YOU BETTER FIND A WAY TO GET IT TOGETHER before we go back out there.

Did you even READ THE SCOUTING REPORT this week? You tried to hit it under the hippo on 13 when I'VE TOLD YOU ALL FUCKING WEEK THAT HIS TUMMY REACHES THE TURF! Get your HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS. And three times you went in the water because you didn't take care of the ball. You need to take what the course gives you this second half, because this time you're pulling YOUR OWN FUCKING BALL out of the water. I don't care if your hand does get wet.

[Juts out chin. Chin pokes 9-year-old kid in the eye]

What the hell was that kid doing within 3 feet of my chin? Yeah, why don't you cry about it, you little shit. What kind of mental approach to life is that? Chins are going to come at you from all angles later in life, kid. It's best you learn to overcome adversity while you're young and develop a pattern for success. Show some composure. ACT LIKE YOU'VE BEEN POKED WITH A CHIN BEFORE!

Enough of this shit. If I don't get some goddamn nachos my fucking head is gonna blow off. I always get some goddamn nachos when I play mini golf. And I better get more jalapeños than they have on that sorry poster.

And after I store some of these delicious nachos in my chin, we're going back out there and you're going to redeem yourself for that sorry first half. TAKE CARE OF THE GOLF BALL! This is our game! And we call our game mini-golf, not Putt-Putt. That's a proprietary trademark, and we don't let proprietary trademarks into our house...or, vocabulary!

NOW GET YOUR ASS OUT THERE AND HAVE A GOOD SECOND HALF! I believe you have honors.

18 comments:

Otto Man said...

What the hell was that kid doing within 3 feet of my chin? Yeah, why don't you cry about it, you little shit.

As always, the Onion saw it coming.

Beautifully played, Punter.

smeos said...

Ah, it's good to have the rants back.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I could totally take him in some mini-golf.

romolovescock said...

im glad coach cowher doesnt call it putt putt, thats really gay and stuff. its mini golf. i could go for some nachos right now

the great bambi said...

around the hippo, under the giraffe, and over the alligator, we went over this ALL WEEK!

Spatula said...

It's funny 'cause it's true.

Grimey said...

mmmm... nachos

naptown drew said...

...And how many times do I have to tell you to pick up the ball before it falls in the 18th hole? You're buying round two, bitch!

Comicbook Guy said...

Seperated at Birth:
Coach Cowher and Elliot Spitzer

/just sayin'

Five Pound Bag said...

I can't wait for next week's episode, Herm Edwards Plays Shuffleboard TO WIN THE GAME

Pemulis said...

I have to agree, that really isn't enough jalapenos for anyone

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Ah yes... THAT Eliot Spitzer.

Kyle321N said...

Kid had it coming. He was never looking up while walking down course.

/need more nacho tags

Miyamoto's Chin said...

Glad this is back. Please let it continue throughout the offseason.

/chin joke

Bobby Steels said...

So Bill Cowher is nacho friendly?

Drizztdj said...

I picked Cowher as more of a Cheese Curds type guy.

John John The Bastard said...

I don't know why the word "tummy" makes me giggle like a little school girl, but it does. However the idea of Cowher yelling "TUMMY" made me laugh out loud and the residents are looking at me like I am the crazy one.

ognihs said...

hines ward would not let the hippo's tummy touch the turf.