Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Interview With A Box Of Kleenex


I guess the first question has to be, "How long have you been a box of Kleenex?"

All of my existence, I suppose. Being a box of Kleenex is all I've ever known. While some people might shy away from the occasional burst of snot, tears, or semen, those things bring out the best in what we do. It's what we live for. I couldn't imagine doing anything else.

Sounds like you take a lot of pride in your work.

We understand that we're part of a rich tradition that dates back to the original cellucotton days of the 1920s. If one of us isn't soft enough or absorbant enough, or even doesn't come out of the box properly, it reflects poorly on all of us.

There are lots of tissue brands out there today. If I were to play a little devil's advocate with you, and ask, "What makes Kleenex so special?" What would you say?

The disposable hankerchief market has been saturated with imitators for some time, so that's something to which we've grown accustomed. Even the Oxford dictionary refers to "kleenex" as any sort of facial tissue, regardless of brand. But we're confident that people realize that the only place they can find a quality tissue is in a Kleenex brand box.

Take us through the life of a box of Kleenex.

Once we leave the plant in Canada, each of us realizes that there will be some downtime in the retail sector before we see any action. Comes with the territory, it's really inevitable. Then one by one, we leave the market and wind up on some office desk or family living room until--

Until you get all used up.

And then our cardboard remains get tossed to the curb.

That's pretty shitty, dude.

It's just the nature of our craft. That's why we receive such extensive training. I know it sounds like a disagreeable existance, Punter, but it's a natural cycle of life. Some of us live on as pencil holders, hamster toys, or some other bullshit craft project, but I don't consider them the lucky ones.

What do you mean? Wouldn't it be better to live on in some way?

I guess what I'm saying is that it wouldn't be living for me. Most people don't know how long they have. I know that I have exactly 150 strands of three-ply goodness to make a difference while I'm here. And if I can't do it by then, I want to go. Just go. I don't want to be an empty shell sitting on somebody's desk.

Last question. One of your colleagues recently had the chance to meet legendary quarterback Brett Favre. Are you upset that it wasn't you?

Nah, that guy's a little bitch.

Box of Kleenex, thanks for taking time out of your day to talk to us.

My pleasure. Have a nice day.

Information from Wikipedia was used in this...whatever this was.

22 comments:

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Way to skirt the hard-hitting questions, Punter... What about asking where it stands on the sinister uprise of lotion-infused brands? The pervasive marginalization of pocket-sized packs of tissues? I want ANSWERS, dammit!

smurphette said...

I'm more concerned that this will be used as evidence in a future criminal trial on charges that Punter is in possession of controlled substances.

Josh said...

I always knew Punter was the Brick Tamlin of KSK. I INTERVIEW LAMP.

Otto Man said...

I see those guys from the Kimberly-Clark Corporation got to you, too, Punter.

quiet strength said...

I've always wanted to know if the pink Kleenex boxes are girl Kleenexes and if the blue ones are boy Kleenexes. Could you call him back and find out for me?

devang said...

What about asking where it stands on the sinister uprise of lotion-infused brands?

Easy, that's for the dregs of society, also know as chronic masturbators. Prevents chafing..um not that I would um..know anything about that..

the great bambi said...

infinitely better than anything TBL has ever done

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

I have become very well acquainted with the Klennex this week. Stupid flu.

Miyamoto's Chin said...

The comments made me laugh a lot more than the... whatever this was.

...still way better than anything TBL has ever done.

Brady's a douchebag said...

Jeez Punter, write something that's just wrong!!!

Pemulis said...

Puffs plus Lotion > Kleenex > anything TBL has ever done

Pepster said...

Not sure which line I like best. "I know it sounds like a disagreeable existence, Punter, but it's a natural cycle of life", or "Nah, that guy's a little bitch". I guess I'll go with Brett Favre being a little bitch.

devin hester's speech coach said...

Do you do drugs Danny?

Awful Chief said...

Back to the front!

devang said...

Back to the front!

You coward, you servant, you blind man!!... Back to the front..

(Does a bad air guitar riff)

Awful Chief said...

I was born for dying!

J said...

Sweet fancy Moses, I hope you guys never do an NCAA pool with TBL.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

Kleenex, is it true that the NFL and Roger Goodell want to speak to you regarding all the time you've spent in New England with the Patriots and their fans since SB 42?

5150 said...

More bullshit interview tags please.

J said...

@ quiet strength

Why? does this color change affect which box you use for looking at nudie photos?

/totally supports such differentiation if this is the case

Slash said...

I'm pretty disappointed you didn't ask the box of Kleenex brand tissue about the Eliot Spitzer thing. Apparently, everyone in America is supposed to be riveted by the shocking news that old, bald, rich guys like to fuck expensive hookers. I know I was shocked to hear that on CNN today.

Gern said...

Long live the snot rocket! Who needs gay-ass kleenex?