Thursday, March 27, 2008

Construda Regional, Round 2: Cowboy Versus Viking -- WHO YA GOT?

This intriguing matchup places the generously-seeded #1 Viking against the #4 Cowboy. Winner will face the Chief in the next round, which has to motivate the Cowboy as he steps into the Octagon. Further hindering the morose Norseman: the realization that everything cool about Vikings -- horned helmets, skull cups, savage marauding, uncleanliness -- is all bullshit. Ouch. Drew didn't see that one coming.

Poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting will remain open until the end of the day.



Contestants

Cowboy___________________Viking


Headwear that lives on at frat parties

Cowboy hat______________Helmet with horns


Attire co-opted by gay community

Chaps___________________________Fur


Projectile Weapons

Pistols, rifle____________Maybe a bow and arrow? Some rocks?


Musical endeavor diminishing tough reputation

"Rhinestone Cowboy"_____________VikingKittens.com


Bastardized icon shaming the legacy

Toby Keith ___________________Techno Viking


Rode

Horses with saddle___________Rape victims bareback


Cause of decline

Homophobia___________Christianity, feudal system


Became pussified when

Jake Gyllenhaal showed up___________Re-enactors adopted them


Modern negative connotation

George Bush's "cowboy diplomacy"___Shawne Merriman's "viking date rape"


Finishing move

Blaze of glory, ride off into sunset____Set town ablaze, sail off edge of earth



27 comments:

make it snow said...

Real men burn villages.

/replays VikingKittens.com

quiet strength said...

A vote for Vikings is a vote for Leif Garrett.

Otto Man said...

Livestock stealers > livestock tenders

Vikings in a walk

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Gun powder, chewing to-bacc-ie, bourbon, gambling your last nickel, Syphilitic whores VS. being on a boat with other men for a long period of time.

How is this even close?

whowillsexmutombo? said...

(To be clear, that was not an endorsement of an alternative lifestyle. I'm voting cowboys.)

the great bambi said...

@ otto man

isn't cattle rustling livestock stealing?

Tracer Bullet said...

The Cowboys, I'm not sure about cowboys, are everything that is wrong with America. Vikings.

James said...

clint eastwood is rolling in his grave right now

zetternutz said...

The bullshit factor is bullshit.

The wikipedia article claiming that Vikings weren't really as savage as Charlemagne leaves out one important fact- namely, that the preferred form of torture/execution in Viking culture was the Blood Eagle, and if "Blood Eagle" isn't the baddest-ass name for torture, then what the hell is wrong with us?

For those too lazy to follow the link:

It was performed by cutting the ribs of the victim by the spine, breaking the ribs so they resembled blood-stained wings, and pulling the lungs out. Salt was sprinkled in the wounds.

Cowboys were too busy using salt to preserve beef. Vikings in a walk.

Pemulis said...

gotta go with the cowboys:

Buford "Mad Dog" Tannen: Then let's settle it, right now!
Buford's Gang Member #1: Uh, not now, Buford. Marshal's got our guns.
Buford "Mad Dog" Tannen: Like I said, we'll finish this tomorrow.
Buford's Gang Member #2: Tomorrow, we're robbing the Pine City Stage.
Buford "Mad Dog" Tannen: What about Monday? Are we doing anything Monday?
Buford's Gang Member #1: Uh, no, Monday would be fine. You can kill him on Monday.
Buford "Mad Dog" Tannen: I'll be back this way on Monday! We'll settle this then... right there... out in the street... in front of the Palace Saloon!
Marty McFly: Yeah, like when? High noon?
Buford "Mad Dog" Tannen: Noon? I do my killin' before breakfast! Seven o'clock!
Marty McFly: Eight o'clock. I do my killing after breakfast!

Caxide said...

this looks to be a barnburner.


The Cowboy can draw and unload a 6-shooter faster than a Viking can unsheath his...whatever.

ASmith said...

I'm not sure whether vikingkittens or techno viking made me do it, but I gave my vote to the Cowboy.

It's like Captain Caveman wanted the Viking to lose.

SlideShow Bob said...

Im voting for the cowboys, if for no other reason then i think they can take down th Juggernaut that is the Chief.

Cody said...

I don't care how mean you are or what kind of torture you preform, give me a six shooter and you're dead before the first groul comes out of your mouth. Cowboy in a landslide.

dick_gozinia said...

Cowboy has one shot to kill that Viking before he takes a broadaxe in the face.

\votes viking

zetternutz said...

Fistful of Dollars: the man with no name wins gunfight wearing makeshift bulletproof vest.

Bulletproof vest --> piece of metal slung over the chest

Piece of metal slung over the chest --> viking's armor

Thus, Viking's armor <--> Bulletproof vest

Viking wears bulletproof vest

Thus, Viking wins.

Miyamoto's Chin said...

The Cowboy is getting totally jobbed. There's no way the Viking is a 1 seed. Haven't you people seen the Indiana Jones movies?

/blatant homerism
//wv: maryaj, who's aj and why should I mary him?

Cody said...

One shot? Most quick gunslingers could get empty the gun before the viking could even raise that axe.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Guns jam. Axes don't.

Plus, fuck the (C)owboys, Always and forever.

SMP said...

Uh, yeah. . . guns seem to be pretty important

J said...

"There are two kinds of people in the world, men with guns and men who dig... you dig"

/Clint is badass, cowboy wins

jtp2106 said...

I'm thinking we're gonna have a viking funeral in this round, which is probably the greatest contribution that the vikings made to society. I plan on having one when I pass on. What's more badass than sending the dead off on a burning ship?

Clint wins this round.

dick_gozinia said...

@jtp2106 -
What's more badass than sending the dead off on a burning ship?

How about killing a cowboy?

Still rooting for a Viking-Bear finale.

/viking rules

Dave Brower said...

Cowboys = Bars, Poker, Brothels, Shooting Shit, Shotguns, those badass Sheriff Stars, Campfire Grilling, Clint Eastwood, the Marlboro Man

Vikings = Eating rotted shark carcass that has been preserved by cutting a hole in the ground and pissing on it.

Cowboys win.

The Pirate Sloth said...

How in the world are the Vikings winning this?

Simply looking at the image shows you who would win. How could anyone defeat The Man With No Name?

zetternutz said...

Sloth,

After looking at the image: you defeat TMWNN by leaping at him from the side with an axe while he's staring straight ahead lost in thought about how he looks like a badass.

Axe to the head. Never saw it coming

Dave Brower said...

Vikings don't jump...they haven't since Randy Moss went to Oakland