Thursday, March 20, 2008

Homerism Regional: No. 3 Falcon vs. #6 Seahawk – QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

Why did we pair two fairly similar types of birds against one another in the first round? And why did also match up jungle cats against horses so often, and pirates against Indians so many times? I’ll tell you why: Because we’re fucking retards, that’s why. Anyway, this matchup features the trusty falcon (he’s the stuff dreams are made of!) against the Seahawk, nee osprey. We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it's posted. Voting is closed. The Falcon won with 55 percent of the vote.


-Sharp talons!
-Can fly!
-Superior vision!
-Delicious regurgitate!

-Is it supposed to be pronounced FAWL-kun? Annoying.
-Sam Spade told me it’s a fake! A fake, I tells ya!
-Needs one of those adorable little leather bird helmets
-Not so tough if pitted against a smattering of buckshot
-Not particularly edible
-Possible relative of Footsteps Falco

Entrance Music:
“Rock Me Amadeus”


-Sharp talons!
-Can fly!
-Superior vision!
-Delicious regurgitate!
-Never pretended to know something about Matt Ufford because they saw a picture online! Also never asked him for money!

-Lamprey > Osprey
-Looks kinda arrogant up there, if you ask me
-Large hooked nose means he’s probably devious with money
-Get feathers ruffled if you ruffle his feathers
-Always out to sea, and you know what that means: gayer than a fire engine

Entrance Music:
“Overblown,” Mudhoney

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!


quiet strength said...

A falcon took my eyeball! A falcon took my eyeball!

Captain Caveman said...

Gotta go with the hometown mascot: osprey are bigger than falcons. Plus Mudhoney really tied together the "Singles" soundtrack.

the great bambi said...

a bigger bird just means a bigger target for a falcon going 200 mph

JAMMQ said...

A Mudhoney reference? WTF? Take that shit back to Abderdeen . . .

Anyway, I go with the Falcon.

Steve Largent worship hints at the Seahawks subconscious racism, while Jerry Glanville made the Falcons black on purpose! Go figure.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Are seahawks the same as osprey? If so, all the Falcon needs is a whopping dose of DDT and the match is his.

Too soon?

Grimey said...

That seahawk could use a tan

Armchair Strong Safety said...

"Despite these theoretical values, measurements of real stoops by using radar resulted in maximum diving speeds of only 140 km/h (87 mph)."

Osprey also dive, and are able to haul away fish up to 4 lbs from 3 feet deep.

ExecutedToday said...

Military namesakes:

F-16 Fighting Falcon, versatile jet that remains mainstay of multiple air forces.

V-22 Osprey, gimmicky tiltrotor death trap.

Grimey said...

Then again, Blue Falcon = buddy fucker

Captain Caveman said...

F-16 Fighting Falcon, outdated fighter jet in an age of no aerial combat.

SH-60 Seahawk, one of the world's most versatile helicopters.

John S. said...

Hmmm... F-16 v. SH-60 or V-22

Yeah... Falcon.

Wormfather said...

Large hooked nose means he’s probably devious with money

Best Jew joke of the month.

Bill Belichick said...

This is going to sound retarded, but I didn't start reading KSK until sometime after this foosteps falco person had left, so what the heck happened to the guy?

lanceoceanside said...

The entrance music on all of these has been perfect. Well done Sir.

Seamus Furr said...

I never saw no seahawk play fetch for a shriveled pale nerd at Ren Faire.

Seahawk for the win.

J.L. White said...

I'm sorry, but when an animal can be trained to rest on some guy's forearm on command, and sleep whenever a small hood is placed on it's head, then that means the Falcon is a total pussy. An osprey would rather suck out the sweet eye juices in your head than play around like that.

Yeah, I'm being a blatant homer right now, but is it my fault that there aren't any Atlanta homers....anywhere? Even in Atlanta?

Otto Man said...

Falcon or Seahawk? I haven't been this torn between two nearly identical candidates since the presidential contest between John Jackson and Jack Johnson.

smurphette said...

Do the falcons/seahawks have large talons?

My swim team growing up was the Ospreys, so I'm going with them.

dick_gozinia said...

This one is Seahawk all the way. Even though the military Osprey vehicle is a death trap, the pictured seahawk looks like he would enjoy fucking you up. And Mudhoney sealed it.

The Pirate Sloth said...

They call me Homer.

rukrusher said...

I go with the Gay Jew FTW

ExecutedToday said...

But seriously, crappy military hardware or no, this is an easy osprey. The falcon is the airborne show dog of the inbred aristocracy. It's like throwing a terrier in with a wolf.

dick_gozinia said...

Seahawk = Osprey.

Osprey will fuck your shit up. Vote Seahawk or vote stupid.

\total homer post

5 said...

i'm pretty sure falcons can beat pit bulls, but not seahawks. seahawks destroy all that is before them, as does mudhoney.

i shall name this one "kenny easley".