Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Construda Regional: No. 1 Viking vs. No. 8 49er – QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

It’s our first human vs. human matchup. In one corner stands the mighty Viking. In the other, Gus CHIGGGGINS! We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it's posted. Voting is closed on this contest. The Viking won with 79 percent of the vote.

VIKING


Strengths:
-Experienced in forcible entry
-Large axe makes cleaving limbs a relative snap
-Able to set multiple huts aflame with one torch
-Skilled navigator
-Able to get large groups of men to row in unison
-Odin tied with Asmodeus for highest rating in Dungeons and Dragons “Dieties and Demigods” Handbook
-Cool beard
-Crude outfit of baby seal and baby human pelts keeps body warm

Weaknesses:
-Once portrayed by Tim Robbins
-Poor cartographer
-Again with the fucking braids
-May be named Leif
-Representative of my favorite team, which means you will almost certainly vote against him just to piss me off
-That “Pathfinder” movie was total dogshit. Step it up, Karl Urban
-“Rainbow Road” to Valhalla kinda queer
-Travel to Scandanavia so terribly expensive these days

Entrance Music:
“Immigrant Song”

49ER



Strengths:
-Pickaxe
-Unstoppable when he knows gold be near. GOLD, I TELLS YA! GOOOOOOLD!!!!
-Grizzled
-Lived in Bay Area before it got all “gayed up”, likely has never had to befriend lesbian chef couple living next door
-Unafraid of losing two remaining teeth
-Able to transmit any number of then-fatal contagious gastrointestinal diseases to opponent, including smallpox
-Antecedent to the hobo, likely knows rudimentary “Hobo Magic”
-Draws energy from delicious pregame meal of raw wolverine innards with side of “branch stew”
-Feet exceedingly well calloused

Weaknesses:
-Under current US laws, only legally allowed to pan for gold at Knott’s Berry Farm
-Beard in dire need of trim
-Old; frail
-May have polio
-Excessive dry skin will crack and bleed at any kind of joint movement
-Can’t hear you. SPEAK UP, SONNY BOY!

Entrance Music:
Soundtrack from any Ken Burns Documentary

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

37 comments:

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

I stabbed a man with a trident.

Captain Caveman said...

Western pioneers owned guns.

Advantage: 49er.

Tracer Bullet said...

You should also mention that Thor is the star of his own comic book, an honor no 49er has ever earned and that Vikings really liked the raping and pillaging. Especially the rape. Entire Scandanavian villages were populated solely through Viking-rape.

Also, Viking funerals (body put to sea on a flaming longboat) are much cooler than 49er funerals (devoured by scavengers at the bottom of a ravine).

J said...

But vikings believed in a Norse heave where the two principle actions were boozing and fighting for all eternity = not afraid to die because how awesome is that

advantage: viking

J said...

*Norse heaven

digitaldan21 said...

Vikings, easy.

Animal Mother said...

Anyone who enters the Octagon to the Immigrant Song is a winner.

Plus, the Vikings can stop the run. The 49ers couldn't stop anyone from violating them, let alone the run.

Burrito Bros. Shits said...

Seeing someone that looks like Blue from Old School fight someone looks like that big German from Beerfest would be oddly entertaining. The Viking knows no fear. Because they're on shrooms. Hell and Yes.
http://www.botgard.ucla.edu/html/botanytextbooks/economicbotany/Mushrooms/index.html

LT Smash said...

Gold is over a thousand dollars an ounce right now. I' m sure he could by enough young women and drumsticks to satiate the viking (and then pick-axe him in the head when he was busy raping)

Number 2 said...

49er No doubt

http://flaminghomers.blogspot.com

Upstate Underdog said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Upstate Underdog said...

if they were nicknamed the 69ers they would get my vote.

Claude Balls said...

1. What, no one here watched Deadwood? The guy with the gold wins. Always.

2. As already pointed out, guns > axes. Sorry.

3. If he didn't want to do it himself, the 49er simply would hire the Pinkertons to quickly and efficiently dispose of the fur wearing, face-painting, ass-fucked Norwegian pussies.

4. Finally, I submit for your consideration the Best Fight Scene Ever on TV

Notice how my man did not need an axe or any fucking weapon to totally fuck up the Captain?

I rest my case.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

This post makes me want to drink mead. Anyone want to go get a mead with me?

Sean said...

I voted for Leeroy Jenkins.

the great bambi said...

@ futuremrs

i got to make mead for a class in college, shit tastes like absolute piss...so i'll pass

brad said...

"Anyone who enters the Octagon to the Immigrant Song is a winner."

Fuck and yes.

quiet strength said...

According to my Louis L'Amour and Zane Grey books, pistols weren't used out west until the 1860s. Advantage: Vikings.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Check out Wikipedia, though, Bambi:

Mulled mead is a popular winter holiday drink, where mead is flavored with spices (and sometimes various fruits) and warmed, traditionally by having a hot poker plunged into it.

Sounds both tasty and disturbingly erotic. Sign me up.

Les Savy Ferd said...

Ragnarok > Pyrite

J said...

@ futuremrs

You had me at "hot poker"... I'm in

deafjeff said...

When I try to vote, the stupid computer tells me, "Cannot process request". What the hell? It allows me to view results though.

smurphette said...

Experienced in forcible entry

So, the viking is basically just Jerramy Stevens with girly braids?

the great bambi said...

@ futuremrs.

no one mentioned hot pokers thrusting inwards...

@ smurphette

and a viking will make the catch over the middle to pick up the crucial first down against steely mcbeam

Seamus Furr said...

The 49er has no family, no love of anything. He forgets where he came from. He knows only the search for "the color." He bears only a rifle, some horribly communicable diseases, and a monstrous, violent fear of foreigners.

BOOM. Buckshot to the face. 49er wins.

Animal Mother said...

Vikings, rape, forcible entry, Jeremy Stevens, hot pokers and still no mention of Fred Smoot and the Vikings cruise?

Man Bear Pig said...

Even Hagar the Horrible could beat down some pansy prospector. Vikings.

El Duke said...

Odin tied with Asmodeus for highest ranking in Dungeons and Dragons "Deities and Demigods" handbook

Congrats on undoing all the work to dispell the "nerds in parent's basement" stereotype

@seamus "the color"? I thought we were doing the 49ers, not the Pats.

Chip Fu said...

consarnit im not gonna git hornswoggled in this one.

JA3 said...

Even assuming the '49er has a rifle, it's going to be a muzzle-loading musket, and there's no way he could kill a bloodthirsty armored viking in a single shot.

When the '49er stops to spend 90 seconds reloading, even an injured norseman will be able to cleave head from shoulders. Viking all the way.

romolovescock said...

awww gravy


awww peaches and cinnamon

fallex said...

He said, "the sheriff is near."

John said...

A lot of real 49ers were rich guys from the East. Wussies, all of them.

Ken Dynamo said...

wow drew, that was the nerdiest AD&D reference this side of Greyhawk. i'm impressed.

Pale Writer said...

I will give props to Drew for the old school SNL reference in the title.

And the viking totally kills the prospecter. Deadwood was great sure, but they threw one dude off a mountain. Fuckers couldn't even fly.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

@Tracer Bullet

Joe Montana had his own comic strip.

Also, purple belongs to the black man now, and I don't think those long boats were coming from Namibia.

Finally, Vikings couldn't take North America because of injuns, injuns got wiped out by the white man's dirty blankets and VD, 49er's had VD...

Gern said...

Hey futuremrs, yeah we can get that mead, but then you gotta put out.