Tuesday, March 4, 2008

The Emo Eagles Will Be Fine Without You, Randy Moss

Song: "Song For the Dumped," Ben Folds Five
Mood: Jilted :(

Same as it ever was. You think you have so much to offer someone - emotional support, intellectual stimulation, consideration for their needs, a big contract with lots of guaranteed money - and yet they return to easy crutch of the familiar. People can be weak. Change can be a minefield.

I know this to be true, as do my cherished Eagles. Last summer, Samantha was dropping hints that she and Mathias might be on the outs. Now was my chance to show her what I had to offer. I took her to a couple movies she was dying to see. Even went shopping with her, y'know, to show her how much I enjoyed her company. I spent hours listening to her detail the various problems her relationship was undergoing. All the stuff Mathias wouldn't do for her. We didn't get physical. There's no way I could force her to cheat.

There was this one day in July, I was at a Phillies game and she had me on the phone the whole time. She was weeping, I mean, really bawling for hours on end. I don't even remember what happened in the game, so intense was my concentration with what she had to say. I guess Mathias had really screwed up big. Flirted with some other girl really obviously right in front of her. Even bragged a little about how hot this other girl was. What a dick.

So Samantha says she doesn't know why she kept falling for assholes like him and why she couldn't ever settle for a nice guy like me. Then came the bombshell: she had something important to tell me if I'd meet her the next day for lunch.

So I arrived at the Cosi the next day, hoping for the best. Soon enough though, noon turned to 1 o'clock and she hadn't shown. I called her cell a few times and it kept going straight to voicemail.

A few days went by and I hadn't heard anything but until I ran into her friend outside the Tower Records (God, I miss it). She told me Samantha was out of town at Mathias' family's beach house for the next two weeks. Apparently he told her he was just kidding around about the other girl. He also told her about the beach house.

That's when I knew I screwed up. If only I'd acted like I cared more during those calls, she'd've known I was the one. I mean, I did care. But I really should've poured it on. Whould it have killed me to shed a few tears myself?

I think the Eagles learned that lesson too.

25 comments:

westbrook is my anti-drug said...

That dick Mathias was taping other girls in the shower too.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

God I miss real football, also if he had been a real eagles fan he would have thrown some D batteries at her.

westbrook is my anti-drug said...

I seriously think we should just upgrade to 6V ones. We might not be able to carry as many, but they'll leave a much more lasting impact.

quiet strength said...

Conformist.

smurphette said...

Holy shit, Mathias is the perfect name for the other dude (and definitely has a spot on the name blacklist). Cosi was also a nice touch. I hate that place.

The Last Unitard said...

Matias could be caught masturbating furiously in view of two underage girls and that dumb bitch would still take him back.

Yeah. I've been hurt before.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

Mathias likes to hang out in highway rest area bathrooms at night so he can blow traveling businessmen.

But he shares his blow job tips with Samantha and that keeps them close.

Otto Man said...

So Samantha says she doesn't know why she kept falling for assholes like him and why she couldn't ever settle for a nice guy like me.

At some point in every man's life, he discovers that "a guy like you" not only doesn't mean "you," it means "every guy but you."

CrabblerK3 said...

The emo Eagles just kind of piss me off. Don't really know why.

Signal to Noise said...

Randy would have signed if Andy Reid had just introduced him to his sons -- could have used a stash or two, y'know?

Tobias' Jorts said...

Sad day in emo land.

Gary Gygax, who co-created the fantasy game Dungeons & Dragons and helped start the role-playing phenomenon, died Tuesday morning at his home in Lake Geneva. He was 69.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/03/04/obit.gygax.ap/index.html

Christmas Ape said...

Flubby [rolls dice] is really upset about that.

smurphette said...

So Samantha says she doesn't know why she kept falling for assholes like him and why she couldn't ever settle for a nice guy like me.

Did Drew help with this? Because Samantha sounds an awful lot like Meredith Grey.

drozz said...

what, Gary didn't have a +5resurrrection spell?

poser.

the great bambi said...

"I'm a paladin with eighteen charisma and ninety-seven hit points. I can use my Helm of Disintegration and do 1D4 damage as my Half-Elf Mage wields his +5 Holy Avenger."

"Paladins can't use the Helm of Disintegration!"

"Oh? Okay. Then I'm a black guy."

Grimey said...

Randy's hair is everywhere. Screaming infidelities.

Big Tex said...

i think i need to start a band with these guys.

Hooks Orpik said...

Big Tex, we can call it "Dying Since Birth"

miamidiesel said...

Same as it ever was. You think you have so much to offer someone - emotional support, intellectual stimulation, consideration for their needs, a big contract with lots of guaranteed money - and yet they return to easy crutch of the familiar. People can be weak. Change can be a minefield.

Holy fuck, other than the thing about the big contract, the emo Eagles fans captured this Giants' fan's feelings perfectly. It's even more eerie because I'm in Philly right now... goddamn bitch bartenders...

@otto man: sage advice my friend

JohnDewar said...

@Signal to Noise:

Randy Moss laughs at the weed the Reid sons get.

Weber said...

What's for breakfast at Cosi?

T.J. Donegan said...

heartbreak, apparently.

it's cool, Peter King will be there early.

Otto Man said...

What's for breakfast at Cosi?

"I don't know ... Is it, um, a bagel?"

"Naw, dude. Not at Cosi. Not a bagel, a squagel! Square bagels, motherfucker!

"Don't be oppressed by the tyranny of round!"

Leaking Geek said...

"Don't be oppressed by the tyranny of round!"

Otto, keep slingin' the wisdom!

Weber said...

Here's you old man, eating your bagel: mmm, drop, roll away, BOO HOO!